by Sara Hubbard
“I am,” I say. “I just wonder. It's hard to let myself be happy sometimes.”
“I know.”
“Do me a favor? If this doesn't work, don't let me shut the door on you again. I didn't realize how big a mistake I made until I saw you again. You’re a part of me. I need you to be whole.”
“I promise.”
“So come give me a kiss good-bye,” I say. “A good one.”
And he does. But this is not good-bye. It’s see you soon. That kind of good-bye I can handle.
21
ETHAN
Before going back to the hotel, I stop by the hospital. I need to see Manny one last time before I go, if only to ask him to reconsider coming with me. I know the answer before I open my mouth, but I have to try. Otherwise, I’ll regret it and I fucking hate regrets.
“When do you leave?” Manny asks. He sits by the window, dressed in his regular clothes. His hair is combed and he’s mostly shaved but for the soul patch underneath his bottom lip.
“Seven-thirty. Chartered a plane, so there's more than enough room for you to tag along...”
“I think we both know I'm not going anywhere.”
“I kind of figured.” I take a seat on his bed, holding my brother's gaze. Pleading wouldn't make a difference, so I don't bother. My brother is as stubborn as I am. “At least let me help set you up. You can't go back with Dad, not like he is.”
Manny shrugs me off. “He keeps out of my way and I stay out of his.”
“I want more for you.”
“Well, I'm not taking any more of your handouts. I'll find my own way; I always do.”
“What about school? I could help with that.”
He scoffs at me. “I barely made it through high school. I'm not smart, Ethan. I'm strong and I'm a hard worker, but that's all I got going for me.”
“You're selling yourself short.”
“Maybe, but it's my life.”
“You know, I’m working on something, maybe you can help me out with it?”
“Is that the building you’re renovating?”
I tip my head, curious how he knew about that, but then I imagine he heard it from Annie. “I’m hoping to have a rink up and running by the fall. I don’t have anyone here that I trust, so maybe you could do that for me?”
He shrugs. “Yeah, I could do that.”
“I’ll need a coach, someone to look after the building, set up programs and stuff.”
“Yeah, that sounds all right.” He shifts in his seat and fidgets for a moment. “I’m thinking I might start playing music again, too. Maybe look for some places to play in the city on the weekends.”
“Really? That sounds awesome.” Manny had this garage band in high school and he was good. Like real good. Dad used to scream at him for playing his guitar too loud. It wasn’t long before Manny started using an old dilapidated barn out back of the house to strum his chords. When his buddies came by to jam, I could hear them through my cracked bedroom window, their music so quiet it was like a whisper.
“Is Annie going to Philly with you?”
“For a little while.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means she's going to come for a few weeks and then we'll see.”
“Pull her into your web and hope she gets stuck?”
I chuckle. “Something like that.”
“Good luck, brother.”
“Thanks,” I say. I might need it.
The door opens and Dr. Dreamy walks in, making me sit up a little straighter. He meets my eyes first, with a stare that would cut through glass. I merely smile back, happy to know he's done. I wish I could shove it in his face that his girl has moved on—in record time. But I won't. Because Annie would rip my nuts off. Slowly.
“Still here,” he says, not bothering to hide his disappointment.
“Don't worry, Doc. I'll be gone tonight.”
“Sorry to hear.”
“I'll bet.”
“So, Emmanuel, everything looks good. You are free to go. No more fighting in bars, okay?”
“Can't make any promises,” Manny says.
“You should follow up with your family doctor in a couple weeks to have your stitches removed.”
“Sure thing.”
“Good luck, Emmanuel.” He turns and heads for the door giving me a smile on the way out. Smug bastard.
“He fucking hates you, man. That quiet rage. Almost reminds me of you.”
“Well, he can rage on. The girl is with me, not him.”
“I'm not sure he's going to let her go quietly.”
“It's already done,” I say.
“We'll see, brother. We'll see.”
22
ANNIE
Ethan stops by my house on his way to the airport. As he stands in my open doorway, I glance over his shoulder to see a smiling Richard in the front seat of his rental car. He waves at me and I flash him the finger.
Ethan chuckles. “Some things never change, huh?”
“He’s an ass,” I say.
“No argument here. I still got some issues with him myself. But he’s loyal.” He runs a hand through his hair. His face is pale and he shivers. I invite him in. When the door closes behind him, he picks me up and carries me to the wall, propping me up as his hands wander the length of my body. I shiver, and not from the cold. His touch electrifies me and I have to remind myself again why I’m not going with him. Work. That’s right. Work.
“Change your mind,” he begs, before capturing my lips between his. “Just grab a bag and come with me.”
“Ethan...I can’t just leave. I have work. We talked about this.”
He lowers me to the ground and his breath is shaky. I could push him on the floor and have him right now and from the size of his erection pressing against my leggings, I know he wants the same thing.
“I’ll be back,” he promises.
I nod. He means it and I want him to. “I’ll be here.”
“One day at a time,” he says. “Keep an eye on Manny for me?”
“Of course.”
We kiss like it’s our last, a slow, tender kiss that leaves me weak and when he pulls away, I need to reach out for the wall to steady myself. As he walks away, I stare at his back, bracing for the ache that comes when I can’t see him.
“Wait!” I call out.
I turn and hurry up the stairs, taking them two at a time. Hesitating at my Nan’s door, I take a breath, turn the knob, and push it open. Everything is just as she left it. Her bed still made with the last afghan blanket she crocheted draped over her bed. In the closet, I reach up for the old floral box on her top shelf. I pull it down and cradle it in my lap.
The floorboards creak and I snap my head in the direction of the noise, to see Ethan standing in the doorjamb.
“You took off so quickly, I was worried something was wrong.”
“No, not wrong.” I sit on the bed and run my hand over the soft fabric. The room smells just like she did. I can’t even place the smell. Warm? Comforting. Can something smell like that? I don’t know, but that’s what it smells like. I lift the lid off the box and the bed waves as Ethan sits on the other side.
“I forgot all about the letter Nan left for you.”
“A letter?” He leans forward to look into the box as I search through some old photos and knick-knacks. He stops my hand and pulls a picture out, stares at it for a moment. “You look just like she did when she was younger.”
“You think?” Nan sure was beautiful. But I’m not sure I’m her double. She had long golden hair and a sweet smile. I guess we have the same eyes and maybe the same high cheekbones, but the similarity stops there. I sure appreciate the comparison, though.
Ethan reaches out and wraps his arm around my shoulder and presses a single kiss to my cheek.
I pull out a letter and hand it to him.
“This is what she left me?”
I nod. “Aren’t you going to read it?” I ask when he hesitates. When her
will was read after the funeral, her lawyer handed it to me and asked that I pass it on to Ethan. He could have contacted him and given it to him, himself, but I know why Nan wanted me to pass it on. She wanted me to reach out to him. She told me so before she died. Pure stubbornness prevented me, no matter if Nan asked me for it moments before she died.
Ethan slides his finger under the flap on the back of the off-white envelope just as a horn blares outside, long and hard.
I roll my eyes. How could I forget about Richard in the car?
Ethan stops opening the letter. “I have an idea. Read it to me. The next time I see you.”
“Why not read it now?”
“Because this way you have to see me again.”
“Ethan,” I say with a sigh. “You’re going to see me again.”
“I know. But this way you can’t push me away. I’m not giving you a choice.”
“You don’t trust me?” I say, trying not to be hurt.
“Nope,” he says with a smile. “And...I don’t know. I’m not really sure I’m ready to read it yet. I want to read it with you, when Richard isn’t outside rushing us.”
“That’s fair.”
He presses another sweet kiss to my forehead. “I’ll see you soon, Annie.”
“Yeah, you will.”
“Good.”
He stands and takes my hand, giving that a kiss too before walking out Nan’s door. After a few moments I hear the door shut downstairs and I lean back in bed, sighing, already missing him, if that’s even possible.
Why couldn’t I just say ‘screw it’ and get in the car with him? It’s what I want, if I’m being honest. I feel as if not doing this now is bad. Like if I don’t do it now, I never will. God, I hope that’s not true. I want this to work. I just have to have faith. Problem is that faith doesn’t come easy for me. It’s almost as scary as my feelings for Ethan.
Holding the open envelope in my hand, I stare at Nan’s writing.
Ethan. Written in her cursory writing with his name underlined. I want to know what’s in this letter. I open the top and peek inside. Just a small handwritten note on a piece of clear writing paper. Don’t do it. You can’t read it. You just can’t.
But I don’t think I can stop myself.
I pull it out, calling myself an awful person several times. I can’t unread it. I’ll have to tell him I did it if I do. I won’t be able to lie. Aw, screw it. He won’t be upset. I’m sure of it and he knows me well enough to know I’m probably reading it this very second.
My Dear Ethan,
It took me a long time to decide if I should write this or not. Annie has made it clear she wants you to move on and although she’s tried to make me believe it, I know her well enough to know she’s not only lying to me, but she’s lying to herself. Truth be told, she needs you and you need her. I’ve spent much of my life alone and I can tell you it’s not easy. Don’t give up on love and don’t give up on her. She loves you, my boy, no matter if she protests or not.
I am getting sicker and I accept that. What I can’t accept is that my sweet Annie will be alone in this world. I can’t live with that worry, so I ask you to watch over her, to love her and protect her as only you can. There is no one I trust with her life and her heart more than you.
Don’t be sad for me. I know you will be even if you won’t let others see it. You are just as soft as she can be and that is why I love you as if you were my own. I will see both again one day—together.
All my love,
Nana Ellis
Tears roll down my cheeks and I bat them away. Finally, after all this time, I can shed them without fear of crumbling into a pile of ash. Why couldn’t she tell me she felt this way? Why couldn’t she challenge me? But I know the answer. She gave me my way, as she always did. Even if it wasn’t good for me.
I shake my head at my foolishness. Nan trusted Ethan—of course she did. And she wanted me to be with him. I guess I knew this too. Now I see it in front of me I realize how foolish I’ve been. My damn insecurities have left me miserable and alone. I should have gone with Ethan. Gone and never looked back. And when this realization hits it’s like a weight lifts from my shoulders.
‘All I ever wanted was a family,’ I said to him when we first talked. And he’s right. He is my family. He’d give up everything for me and I know now I would do the same. Staying here isn’t an option. I need to be with him and it doesn’t matter what that looks like. Because everything else will just be noise.
I get dressed, intent on talking to my boss and giving notice, and not just the vacation kind. As I’m heading out the door, Manny calls and asks for a ride home. Of course, I say yes.
I head out to my car, drop inside, and pull out of the driveway. The drive is quick and I do it with the windows down. The sun is out and the temperature is just above freezing. The cool air bites at me, keeps me on my toes, keeps my mind sharp. It also helps me focus on the ride and not the ideas spinning through my mind in a perpetual loop.
At the hospital, I stop at my manager's office. I give a little knock on her half-opened door and she looks up from her computer to wave me in. “What's up, Annie?”
“Do you have a minute?”
“Of course.”
I take a seat, look around the room. Her certificates and her degree hang on the wall. She's older than dirt and a few years away from retirement, but the woman is strong and shrewd. If people mess with her nurses, she pushes back. She’s the kind of manager everyone is happy to work for.
“Is there something wrong?”
“No. For the first time in a long time, there is nothing wrong.”
She purses her lips and rests her chin on her folded hands.
“I need to resign.”
“I see. How soon?”
“The sooner the better.”
I don't let her into my business, but after telling her I'm considering a move and the way I dance around her questions about my relationship, she has to know the reason why. “I've heard you're involved with one your patients’ brother.”
“I've known him a long time.”
“Mm hmm. Okay, Annie. Three weeks would be best, if you can manage.”
“Certainly.”
“We’ll be sad to see you go. You’re one of our most promising new graduates.”
“That means a lot to me. Perhaps I can use you for a reference?”
“I would be happy to do that.”
I thank her for her time and head up the stairwell to Manny's room. I meet up with Charlie on the stairs and I'm shocked when I see his face is bruised and he has stitches above his brow.
“Oh my God,” I say, reaching out to his face. “What happened?”
He hesitates. “It’s nothing.”
“No, it’s not. Who did this to you?”
“Do you really want to know?”
“Of course I do.”
“I know you care for him, but...he’s not who you think he is.”
“Um...Ethan did this?” I weigh the idea in my mind.
He sighs and hangs his head. “I wasn't going to tell you, but it's kind of obvious with my face looking like this.”
“No. He wouldn't. When?”
“Today. When he came to say good-bye to his brother. He found my office on his way out. We exchanged some words. I made the mistake of telling him to be careful with you, telling him I couldn't see you hurt. He said it was none of my business. When I told him I still love you, he just snapped. He trashed my office and when I tried to call security he just started hitting me.”
I take a step back and slump against the wall. His face. I thought Ethan had reined it in. That he'd only lashed out after I ended things because he was wounded, but this... He had me. I told him I was his, and he still had to make his point.
“It's okay. I'll be fine, and I’m not pressing charges. He said he was leaving the country tonight anyway. Hopefully we won't ever see him again.”
“Thanks for telling me, Charlie.”
&nb
sp; “He's not good for you, Annie. What if he lost his temper and turned on you?” He reaches out to touch me, but I pull back. Confusion crosses his face and then it’s followed by a scowl. As if he’s angry with me.
“He would never touch me,” I say.
“Rage does strange things to men. Never say never when a man like that is concerned. I looked into Manny's chart and there's a history of abuse in his home. You know those cycles continue. Take a step back now, Annie, before it's too late.”
I turn from him, pushing through the stairwell entrance and I climb the stairs as he calls my name. The rest of his words are jumbled. I'm so angry right now, I want to scream. How could he? I asked him to be nice, asked him not to react. Can't I trust him to keep his cool? And he did this here, at my work?
Heat fills me, travels through my veins with a slow burn. Manny must see it in my face when I enter his room.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I shrug.
“You look like you're ready to kill someone.”
That's because I am. “Are you ready to go?”
“Sure,” he says, cautious. He slings his bag over his shoulder.
I turn on my heel and he follows me into the hall. We walk in step, toward the elevator. “You want to talk about it?” he asks after I press the button.
“Nope.”
Charlie finds us and he stops beside me. He huffs out a breath like he’s just been running. He can't take his eyes off of Manny. “Can we talk a moment, Annie?”
“Not right now, Charlie.”
“Later,” he asks. “I could stop by?”
“I can't really do this right now.”
The elevator dings and the doors slide open. Manny is silent until the doors close on Charlie. “What the hell happened to his face?” he asks, with a single raised eyebrow.
“Ask your brother.”
“What? No. Ethan didn't do that.”
I shrug.
“No, seriously. He didn't do that. He came into my room earlier and his face was fine. Ethan was cool.”
