by Miasha
“So, are you nervous?” my mom asked.
“A little bit.”
“I can’t believe my baby is going to have a baby.”
“I know. I can’t believe it either.”
“Did you plan it?”
I looked at my mom like she was crazy, and she explained herself, “What? Some girls your age be wanting to get pregnant. They be going through that little phase where they feel like they want somebody to love them and all that crap.”
“Naw. Not me,” I told her.
“So, do Jamal know? Why he ain’t down here with you?”
“I told you I ain’t talk to him in a while. I didn’t even tell him yet.”
“Well, girl, what you waitin’ on?”
“I’ ma tell him today if he home. I wanted to see how far I was and make sure everything was all right first.”
“Oh, I heard you came by the shelter.” My mom changed the subject. “I wanted to tell them to let you in, but they only had room for me and two kids. If I would have told them you was with us they would have made us leave. I felt so bad, though, but I figured you had somewhere to stay.”
I thought that no matter what the explanation was, I would never forgive my mom for telling those people at the shelter that I wasn’t her child, but when she explained the situation, it made sense—and I actually felt like I could forgive her.
“It’s all right. I was mad when they told me, though. I thought you was just tellin’ them that ’cause you was mad at me,” I revealed.
“I wasn’t mad at you. And even if I was, I wouldn’t have done no shit like that. I know I did some fucked-up things while I was in my addiction, but you’re my daughter. I wouldn’t go that far.”
“So you’re clean now?” I asked my mom.
“Twenty-one days,” she replied proudly.
“That’s good,” I told her.
“It sounds funny saying this, but it was a good thing going in the shelter. They got Kenny in preschool, and being away from Marvin plus having a curfew and stuff, I stopped doing dope.”
“Yeah, Naja told me. She said they locked Marvin up.”
“Yeah. He had warrants out on him and when they took him to the hospital the night of the fire they ran his name. Sure enough, they locked him up right after he got treated,” my mom elaborated.
Although I was happy that Marvin had gotten arrested and was out of the picture, I didn’t care to discuss him. “How is Kenny doin’ in school?” I asked, switching the topic.
“He doin’ all right. It took him a couple days to get used to it, but he’s fine now. They give him homework and stuff. He be bringing me home pictures. He doin’ good.”
“All,” I sighed. “I miss Kenny. Can I go by the shelter with y’all to see him?”
“Yeah, but you know, we’re leaving the shelter. I gotta go past the house after this to see how far they got. They told me the house would be done by Christmas.”
“Yeah, Naja told me the insurance company is paying for it.”
“Yeah. I didn’t even know we had it. But I was looking through some paperwork on the house and it showed that when Curtis paid off the house he paid the insurance up for five years.”
“He’s still taking care of us, ain’t he,” I spoke of my brother.
“I know. That’s what I told Naja.”
“Well, I’m glad everything is going good.”
My mom was starting to say something, but there was a knock on the door.
“Hello,” the doctor said, entering the room. “I’m Dr. Wise.” She extended her hand to my mom first, then to me. We introduced ourselves to her.
“Your urinalysis made it clear that you are pregnant. Now, we just have to find out how far along you are,” she began.
Then she asked me when was my last period. I told her the same thing I had told Elaine. From there, she instructed me to lie on my back and she put her fingers in my private and pressed down on my stomach. Based on my response about my period and her brief examination, she determined I was six and a half weeks and she gave me a due date of August 2. She asked me what were my plans as far as the baby was concerned. I told her that I planned on keeping it. Then she tuned to my mom and asked, “Are you the proud grandparent?”
“Yes.”
“Well, make sure you stay on your daughter to follow up with checkups throughout her pregnancy and to take the prenatal vitamins I’m going to prescribe her,” the doctor told my mom. “Getting prenatal care is the best first step pregnant woman can take.”
My mom nodded in agreement. The doctor then told us that a nurse would be back in to give me some literature and the prescription as well as an appointment card to schedule my next visit. I got dressed, and after receiving the information from the nurse, my mom and I met Naja back in the waiting room.
“So what they say?” Naja asked all hype.
“I’m six and a half weeks.”
“Oh, my God, I can’t believe you having a baby. I hope it’s a girl. I be seeing some cute clothes for girls. You can name her after me. Little Naja,” my sister went on.
“Slow down,” I told her. “You sound a little too excited about this baby. Let me be the one to tell you, it’s nothing cute about me having a baby. I made a mistake.”
“Thank you,” my mom butted in.
“Whatever,” Naja said.
My mom, Naja, and me went to Wendy’s and ate lunch. Then we took the train to Brooklyn. We got to our block and it looked so festive. Christmas lights decorated the majority of the houses. There was even a car parked outside with MERRY X-MAS written in white shoe polish on the back window.
My mom’s house looked a lot better than before. The windows were all in, and it looked like the roof had been replaced. My mom and Naja went inside to inspect it.
“You not comin’ in?” my mom asked.
“I wanna see if Jamal home first,” I said. “I’ll look in there before I go.”
“Well, if we ain’t in here when you leave Jamal, meet us around Aunt Jackie house,” my mom told me.
“All right,” I said as I rang Jamal’s doorbell and hoped he was home. I was anxious to see him.
“What’s up?” Jamal asked, seemingly unenthused at my presence.
I didn’t make a big deal out of his nonchalant attitude. It was my fault he felt whatever way he felt about me, so it was on me to work hard to change it.
“Can we talk?” I asked him in my sweetest tone of voice.
He opened the door wider for me to go in his house. He sat down on his sofa in his living room. I guessed he was giving me a hint that he expected our talk to be short by having me in his living room. We never sat in there. We either went in his room or in the basement. But again, the whole thing was my fault, so I was in no position to bitch about anything.
“What’s up?” he repeated himself.
I sat down beside him and began, “First, I want to tell you I’m sorry.”
He rolled his eyes and looked away as if he wasn’t trying to hear anything I had to say.
“Jamal, believe me, I know that I hurt you. We had a good thing, and I fucked it up. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. All I can do is show you.”
“You know what you did, man? You sucked some nigga dick. That shit ain’t forgivable. I could probably get past you workin’ at a strip club and giving niggas lap dances and shit, but you put ya mouth on a nigga dick. A nigga you ain’t even know. You let that nigga take pictures of you and everything. I wanted to fuck that pussy up when he showed us those pictures in the break room, but I couldn’t ‘cause then they would have known that you was my girl. You know how embarrassing that shit would’ve been? I had to sit there and look at them niggas go crazy over pictures of my girl sucking some nigga dick. Yo. You don’t know how fucked up I felt—and still feel. The only reason you in here talking to me is ‘cause I wanted you to know and understand how dirty you did me.”
“I do know, and I do understand.”
“I don’t think yo
u do. You come up here all cool and shit like it’s nothin’.”
“No, I didn’ t, Jamal. I know what I did was dirty, and I’m trying so hard to make you see that. I was high first of all, and second of all I was…”
Jamal cut me off. “What? You was getting high, too? What else was you doin’ that I ain’t know about? You was just a little freak on the side, huh? Stripping, getting’ high, suckin’ niggas’ dicks. You was probably havin’ threesomes, too, wasn’t you?”
“Jamal, stop, please. I really don’t want this to turn into no fight. I just want to explain myself.”
“How? How can you explain that shit?”
I didn’t know how to get through to Jamal. I was trying to make him understand my position, but it was damn near impossible. I couldn’t blame him, though.
“I’m listening,” he said.
“Jamal, you don’t know what I been going through at home, and I was in a desperate situation,” I started.
“I know what you was going through ’cause I was right there with you,” Jamal whined.
“Yeah, you were. But, you don’t know the half of it. It’s a lot of stuff I didn’t tell you.”
“So, what that mean?”
“I’m not saying it means anything. I’m not trying to make excuses. You know me, and you know I would have never worked at no strip club if I didn’t really need to. And as far as me getting high. I didn’t do it voluntarily. They had put E-pills in my drink, and I didn’t know it. I was out of character,” I explained.
“I know you go through a lot with ya moms and dem. But you always was straight up with me about everything. You told me you was workin’ at a hotel. I believed you. So it’s not like I knew you was workin’ at a strip club and then I saw the pictures. I was caught off guard all the way around. It was like you was playing me for a sucker the whole time.”
“I know what it might seem like, but trust me, it wasn’t like that at all. I didn’t want you to know because I got a lot of love for you, Jamal. You are the only person I got, truthfully.” I started to cry.
“That’s why I don’t understand how you could do me like that,” he said as he, too, shed tears.
I reached over and wrapped my arms around him. We cried together and there was nothing I wanted more than to be able to console him. I loved him so much and I never meant to hurt him the way I did. I wanted to make it up to him so bad. I grabbed his face and kissed him on his lips. He returned the kiss reluctantly. I started rubbing him all over his body, and he was doing the same to me. I wanted him so bad and I was glad he let me have him.
Jamal unbuttoned his jeans and I sat on his lap from the back. He slid into me and we did it right there on the couch. When it was over, I cried again, but out of happiness. It seemed like I had rid myself of so much tension. Just to be in Jamal’s arms again was fulfilling. I had missed him so much. He was all I needed. Nothing eased me like he did.
I had pulled my pants up, but left them opened. Then I cuddled up under Jamal. He was quiet like he was thinking about something. I didn’t want bad memories to work him up again, so I figured I would get his mind on something else.
“Jamal, do you love me?”
“Yup,” he said as if it hurt.
“I have something to tell you.”
“What?” he asked defensively.
“I’m pregnant.”
“Don’t play like that, Angel.”
“I’m not playing.”
“That fast? Come on now.”
“No. Not from just now. I’m six and a half weeks,” I told him, pulling out the piece of paper I got from the doctor’s.
Jamal took the paper and read it to himself.
“This is for real?” he asked.
“Um hum.”
He was silent for a moment. Then he asked, “Is it mine?”
I was disappointed, but I guessed I had that coming. “Of course. Look Jamal, I swear on my brother I didn’t do it to nobody else. I know I messed up with you. But I’m not lying about this,” I told Jamal, looking him in his eyes.
Jamal didn’t say anything. He just placed my head back down on his chest. I took that as a good sign. I closed my eyes and said a silent prayer. I got my baby back, I thought, and as long as that was, nothing else in the world mattered.
I wound up calling Elaine and telling her that I was going to stay at my mom’s house over the holiday. She let me know that I was more than welcome to come back whenever I needed to. I figured since my mom was getting herself together and her house was done and Marvin wasn’t there and me and Jamal were on good terms, I would be all right staying back home. It wasn’t until the day after Christmas that we were all able to actually move back in the house, though. We had stayed at Aunt Jackie’s for the days before. We didn’t have much of a Christmas. My mom was able to get a few toys for Kindle, and she got Naja two shirts and me a lotion and bubble bath set, but that was pretty much it. None of us complained though. We were just happy to be together, without Marvin. It felt like we were starting over fresh.
I hadn’t been back to Elaine’s. but I spoke to her on the phone almost every day since I been gone. I kept telling her I was going to go by her house and visit, but I had been spending a lot of time with Jamal, so I kept putting it off. Me and him were slowly working things out. We had our ups and downs. Every so often, he would catch feelings about what I did and we would get into it. But for the most part, he was trying to forgive me. And being pregnant counted for something because he was trying extra hard to make it work for the baby.
It was the Monday after New Year’s and I had a doctor’s appointment. Jamal had taken off of work to go with me. I had my first ultrasound. Jamal’s face lit up when the doctor let us hear the baby’s heartbeat and watch it go up and down on the monitor. He looked at the pictures, which looked like nothing but darkness with specks of white space, the whole ride home. He was happy. It was January 2, and I remembered that Cat and Stacey said they would be back to work on that day so I told Jamal that when we got around our way, I wanted to stop by their store. I had so much to tell Stacey, and I knew she would have stories for me, too. Plus, I missed them two and couldn’t wait to see them.
Jamal and me got off the bus right in front of C&S’s. The door was open, but the gates were still pulled down over the window. Inside, there was an unfamiliar man sweeping the floor.
“I’m sorry, we’re closed,” the man said with a heavy Jamaican accent.
“Oh,” I said. “Do you know when Cat and Stacey are coming back?”
The man stopped sweeping and looked at me. “Do you know them?”
“Yeah. I’m good friends with them,” I told him with a smile on my face. “I know they were in Jamaica, but I thought they would be back by now.”
“Yeah, well, I’m sorry to tell you tis but, Stacey and my brudda Cat were killed in a plane crash yesterday.” Tears gathered in the man’s eyes.
“Huh?” I asked, hoping I heard him wrong.
He bowed his head and said, “I’m sorry.”
I put my hand on my chest. I couldn’t believe what I had heard. I grew speechless. Jamal stepped in and asked the man about funeral arrangements. But I hardly heard what was being said. I was in a state of shock. I wanted to break down and cry, but nothing came out. I was numb. I couldn’t and I wasn’t trying to register the information. That couldn’t have been true, I thought. God wouldn’t have done that to me.
Home Is Where the Heart Is
My mom, Jamal, and me were walking up the block on our way to C&S’s. Cat and Stacey’s family planned a memorial for them in front of the store since they had their funerals in Jamaica. It was cold outside. I remember the weatherman saying it was only going to be twenty-three degrees and the wind making it feel like eighteen. He ain’t never lied, I thought as the wind whipped my face.
When we got to the store there was a crowd of people out there. Most were people we knew from the neighborhood. A few were Cat and Stacey’s family members, and the
re were a couple people out there I never saw before. On an easel was a blow-up picture of Cat and Stacey, and on the ground, surrounding it, were stuffed animals and flowers. I walked up and placed a rose and a sandwich bag with two dollars’ worth of quarters in it among the memorabilia. I took a moment to look at the items and then at the picture. I couldn’t believe that was happening—I was at a memorial for my two favorite people in the world.
Walking back to where I had been standing with my mom and Jamal, I started crying. I didn’t know what I was going to do without that store and without Stacey and Cat. Thinking about it made my heart ache, and then imagining how they died made it worse. I felt for them. I cried so hard I couldn’t stop. Jamal held me in his arms and my mom rubbed my back, but I didn’t feel any better. I did not want to feel that pain. It was too much for me. I wanted so bad to go smoke a blunt.
Cat’s brother, the man who told us about the plane crash, started off the memorial with the Lord’s Prayer. Some people recited the words with him, others, like myself, were crying and whimpering. After the prayer, a woman stepped from out the crowd to read a poem she had written. It described how Cat and Stacey touched her life. I wished I could write, because I would have written a poem for them, too. They had done so much for me, just them being there and letting me sit in their store for hours helped me so much. I was truly going to miss them. Another lady from the crowd read a poem, and then Cat’s brother asked that we have a moment of silence. Everybody bowed their heads. People quieted their cries, but not me. I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want to disturb the moment of silence, so I just walked away for a minute.
Jamal followed me a couple stores down. He wrapped his arms around me and rocked me back and forth. At the least, I was thankful he was there. There would have been no way I would have got through that by myself.
“It’s all right,” Jamal whispered. “They’re in peace, now, watching over you.”
I wiped my face and looked up at Jamal. “That’s bullshit,” I told him, angrily.
