by E. M. Foner
“Those look yummy,” one of the newly arrived students said. She lifted up her bowl of fruit salad and offered, “Any chance you’d take this for half a cookie?”
“The Gem might have some left,” Vivian told the student. “They’re all chocoholics, and since it’s a relatively new thing for them, they get most of their recipes from us. She usually brings in some homemade desserts that humans can eat to supplement her income.”
“It’s kind of under the counter,” Samuel added.
“So you pay through the tip jar, like at the canteen,” the girl surmised, nodding her understanding. “What’s the going rate?”
Vivian again flashed the bent knuckle peace sign, adding, “For two.” She broke her cookie in half, rewrapped one part in plastic, and slid it down the table to the newcomer. “No, keep the fruit salad. Just tell me what we can get from the canteen. I went in once and I didn’t see anything.”
“The Drazen employees order take-out pizzas from the good place in the Little Apple and resell it by the slice as a side business. But they get hot peppers on everything, so be careful.”
“Do we just say we want pizza?” Samuel asked, forgetting his objection to unauthorized selling.
“Earth wedges,” the girl answered. “And if you order two slices, make sure you say, ‘Two Earth wedges, colors up,’ or they’ll slap ‘em together like a sandwich and you won’t be able to pick off the hot peppers.”
Four
“What are you doing here, Jeeves?” Kelly asked. She wasn’t really that surprised to see the Stryx in the meeting room as she knew that Libby was attempting to groom her offspring for diplomacy, and the station librarian was used to getting her way.
“I got drafted to serve as Wylx’s boots on the ground. Some species get spooked by voices that seem to originate out of nowhere, and according to extensive research and testing, my current form is very nonthreatening, especially when I use the treads rather than floating.”
“Is that why you keep them? I always wondered if they were like a vestigial growth.”
“Where do you think robot bodies come from?” Jeeves asked, sounding genuinely curious.
“I haven’t thought about it, really. I’ve never seen you break down, so your body must be really well made.”
Despite his lack of lungs, Jeeves generated the audio equivalent of a deep sigh. “We manufacture them ourselves, of course. The basic barrel-and-treads design was a built-in configuration supplied by the Makers, so young Stryx usually stick with it for a few thousand years to show respect for our roots. But it’s all about field manipulation in the end. This body just provides a focal point and a place to put things.”
“I knew it was something like that,” Kelly said, not really listening beyond the first sentence of the explanation. “So you’ll be coming on my mission?”
“I think you meant to thank us for inviting you on our mission.”
“Do either of you need a secretary?” asked the Drazen ambassador as he entered the room. “Or taster? I’m very good at screening out harmful poisons in new environments.”
“Ambassador McAllister is in charge of the biological contingent,” Jeeves replied. “I’m sure she’ll establish a formal application process in keeping with protocol.”
“It seems to me that any species which can survive exposure to Humans would be happy to welcome me,” the Vergallian ambassador said, arriving right behind Bork. “If need be, I could get some prosthetics and try to pass as Human. A bad dental insert, a wig, and perhaps some heavy make-up might do the trick.”
“But your eyes, my dear, are too beautiful to be disguised,” declared the alien following on her heels.
“Ortha!” Kelly greeted the Horten ambassador, who had always had an affinity for the Vergallian beauties. “I thought you…” she trailed off.
“You thought I was fired and in disgrace,” the silver-tongued diplomat completed the EarthCent ambassador’s sentence. “I was placed on suspension for ten cycles after committing my people to paying back the Stryx for our piracy liability exposure. But in the end, it was decided that my experience was too valuable to throw on the scrap heap.”
“It sounds to me like your pension had already vested,” Bork insinuated.
“Somebody at the home office may have done the math and concluded that with my time in service, it’s cheaper to keep me working,” the Horten ambassador admitted. “Since a diplomat of my seniority has veto power over new assignments, we reached a compromise that brings me to Union Station for another tour.”
“I’m just glad you’re back, Ortha,” Kelly said unashamedly.
“Did somebody say that Ortha’s back?” the Frunge ambassador asked as he entered the room. “I don’t know what’s wrong with our intelligence service lately. It’s bad enough they couldn’t tell me anything about this new species. How hard can it be to keep track of Horten diplomatic postings?”
“Ortha’s return was on our morning broadcast,” a large bunny remarked, elbowing his way past Czeros and heading for the large chair labeled, “Grenouthian Ambassador.”
“But when did your morning start?” the Frunge retorted.
“A couple of beats ago,” the ambassador replied, not specifying whether he meant Stryx beats, heartbeats, or something else. “The point is, we were the first to report it.”
“I wouldn’t fault your people for not knowing anything about a previously unheard-of species,” Abeva said to Czeros. “All that our own intelligence service could come up with is a profile suggesting that the newcomers suffer from poor taste.”
“Based on what?” Kelly demanded.
“Their choice of a destination for testing a jump drive,” the Vergallian replied sweetly, leading Ortha and the arriving Dollnick ambassador to chuckle.
“Catering,” a clone announced from the doorway. All of the diplomats looked over eagerly, but it was just the Gem ambassador playing on their prejudices.
“You’ve got to stop doing that,” the Grenouthian ambassador complained. “False alarms wreak havoc with my digestive system.”
“Sorry I’m only just on time,” Srythlan announced, edging his way through the door. “I hope you started without me.”
“We’re just waiting on the Fillinduck,” Jeeves said, tallying up the ambassadors with his pincer.
“He never comes to meetings that I attend, and the Chert isn’t here yet either,” Kelly pointed out, slapping the seat of the empty chair next to hers. “Oh. Sorry.”
The Chert ambassador materialized and bent over to pick up the gaming device that Kelly had knocked out of his hands. He gave the EarthCent ambassador a scowl.
“I’m sure you’re all aware by now that another species in this neck of the galaxy has broken the faster-than-light barrier, thus becoming eligible for an invitation to join the tunnel network,” Jeeves began. “The mission will be undertaken by Stryx Wylx, and I’ll be accompanying to serve as her mouthpiece. Ambassador McAllister has been chosen to head the biological delegation as the first jump destination chosen by the newcomers was the Sol system. Any questions?”
“I’m sure we’ve all been consulting our historical records, and when the Stryx sent a mission to invite us to join the tunnel network, it was just the Frunge,” Bork said.
“What do you mean by ‘Just the Frunge’?” Czeros demanded.
“Sorry, Ambassador. I meant we were visited by a Frunge delegation that arrived in a Frunge ship. No science ship, no posse of aliens, no young Stryx pranksters.”
“Same here,” Ortha remarked. “I hope the Frunge were getting a commission.”
“My own people were contacted by a Verlock,” Abeva chipped in. “Even with perfect translation devices on both sides, the talks repeatedly broke down due to long silences.”
“It is the Verlock way to allow time for thought during negotiations,” Srythlan said.
“According to my report, the queen leading our negotiating team conceived and gave birth during one of your pauses,” t
he Vergallian ambassador retorted.
“We were initially approached by the Grenouthians,” Clume said, casting an angry look down the table. “The only surviving record of the encounter is their documentary, ‘Four arms, zero brains.’”
“You have to remember that the subject of a documentary is never the primary audience,” the Grenouthian ambassador told the Dollnick, and then turned to Jeeves. “I think the point we’re all trying to make, young Stryx, is that sending a science ship on a welcoming mission is not standard procedure.”
“Your invitations all went out before my time,” Jeeves replied. “There are some special considerations involved in this case. The species in question had already been interfered with—I’m sorry—aided by the Stryx during their formative years.”
“That area of space had already been independently surveyed by our ships and marked as empty, so we know you’re talking about a hidden reserve,” Clume said, and several of the other ambassadors confirmed this assessment.
“Yes, it’s one of Gryph’s systems as it happens,” Jeeves replied. “I’m not at liberty to share all of the data, but Wylx transferred this species to their current home at a time that their recordkeeping was limited to campfire stories and cave drawings. She also transported sufficient populations of the flora and fauna of their birthplace to ensure a viable ecosystem. The Alts, as we call them, were left alone as soon as it became clear that they had adjusted to their new world. Other than passive monitoring, we have had no contact with them since.”
“Why did they choose Earth for their first jump?” Kelly asked.
“Proximity,” Srythlan answered, amazing the others by being the first to respond. “They’re practically next door to you.”
“I thought the system was hidden,” Kelly objected.
“An update showing the location has been pushed out to all Stryx-built ship controllers,” Crute explained.
“Then what’s to keep you all from going there on your own?”
“The update clearly labels the system as ‘off limits pending membership tender,’ an underhanded maneuver if you ask me,” the Grenouthian ambassador grumbled. “Our news network paid a pile of creds to a Dollnick freighter captain for the recorded jump telemetry, and our scientists had already narrowed down the likely point of origin to within ten light years.”
“Assuming the Alts join the tunnel network, you’ll all have the chance to visit them soon enough,” Jeeves continued. “I invited everybody to this meeting to make sure you were aware of the current travel ban, and to inform you that I am authorized to carry one message from each of you to the new species.”
“How many words?” the Chert ambassador asked.
“Will a one-shot holocube be acceptable?” Ortha inquired eagerly.
“Are you planning to relay their responses, or are you just offering for the sake of seeing what we come up with?” the Gem ambassador asked.
“Good question,” several of the other ambassadors complimented the clone.
“If the Alts wish to send a response, I solemnly swear to see that you get it,” Jeeves said. “But to be perfectly honest, I suspect your time would be better spent persuading Ambassador McAllister to invite you along.”
“What did I do to deserve this?” Kelly asked in dismay, as all of the diplomats at the table pivoted in her direction. The Chert quickly removed his shoulder-mounted invisibility projector and nudged it in front of her on the table, like a gift offering. “EarthCent has a policy against ambassadors accepting bribes,” she told him.
“But when you turn it on, nobody will be able to see it,” the Chert ambassador said, puzzled by her objection.
“I have far too much respect for your integrity to offer a bribe,” Czeros said to Kelly. “Unless you want one, that is.”
“What the Frunge ambassador means is that he doesn’t have a fixed budget for diplomatic purchases,” Abeva interjected. “I, on the other hand, am backed by the wealth of the Empire of a Hundred Worlds.”
“Stop!” Kelly demanded, half-rising from her seat. “I don’t know what the Stryx are up to here, but I’m sure that me cherry-picking representatives from every oxygen-breathing species on the tunnel network isn’t going to make anybody happy. Besides, when the Stryx opened Earth, they just showed up, took over our communications networks, and talked directly to the people. How come the Alts are getting special treatment?”
“Aren’t you forgetting something, Ambassador?” Bork asked gently.
Kelly sat back down and studied the Drazen’s face for clues while the other ambassadors displayed unusual patience. “You mean the whole protectorate thing? The fact we never developed our own jump drive and needed to be rescued from ourselves? No, and I also haven’t forgotten that all of you treated me like a leper when I first came to Union Station, and that was like fifty years after the Stryx opened Earth.”
“Humans are an acquired taste,” Bork admitted. “Besides, we weren’t exactly welcome on Earth until just a few years ago. How many extraterrestrials did you see growing up?”
“None,” Kelly admitted. “But what makes you all so interested in the Alts, anyway? Maybe they’re poor farmers with one brilliant scientist who created a jump drive.”
“It doesn’t work that way,” Ortha said. “Faster-than-light-travel is a product of high economic and technological achievement, and the home system of a species which has just made the breakthrough is usually densely populated, which creates all sorts of business opportunities.”
“Independently conceived mathematical models of the universe are of great interest to scholars,” Srythlan added.
“Not to mention the potential for important new documentaries,” the Grenouthian ambassador said. Kelly’s translation implant made the giant bunny sound so earnest that the plea caught her off guard. Then she remembered that the Grenouthian network had no objection to paying a finder’s fee in the way of production points to career diplomats.
“The steady improvement of humanity’s economic fortunes is making it more expensive for us to find contract laborers,” Crute pointed out, and Bork nodded in agreement. “The Alts will likely want to earn Stryx creds to purchase things from tunnel network species, and may even be interested in trading labor for an equity position in one or more of our terraforming projects.”
“So you’re saying you all want to come along, and you’re not worried about the mission stretching out for months?” Kelly asked.
“What’s to stretch?” Abeva said dismissively. “Either they’ll be overjoyed by the invitation or they’ll attack us.”
“As our four-armed friends did when we first visited them,” the Grenouthian ambassador added.
“The Alts are remarkably peaceful for biologicals,” Jeeves told the others. “They have no history of internecine strife, and we have observed no signs of weapons in their shipbuilding program.”
“So they may be in the market for some,” the Dollnick ambassador said.
“They never fought amongst themselves?” Srythlan asked slowly. “Are they a race of empaths?”
“That would be a difficult thing to determine from a distance through instrumentality,” the Stryx replied evasively. “I would suggest that those members of the delegation who wear dress weapons to formal occasions consider leaving the hardware at home.”
“How many delegation members can I choose, Jeeves?” Kelly asked in a tired voice.
“As many as you please, Ambassador. Wylx can reconfigure her interior at will to make space for any number of guests. But I would remind you that when it comes to making a good impression, there is always a point of diminishing returns.”
“What do you mean?”
“Just think about your relations with your colleagues in the room,” Jeeves suggested. “A bar of chocolate might improve your standing with the Gem ambassador, but a shipload would just make her nervous.”
“For a shipload of chocolate, I’ll be your pet,” the clone offered.
“Maybe tha
t wasn’t the ideal example,” Jeeves admitted. “Let’s say you wanted to score points with the Frunge ambassador by offering him a bottle of...”
“You’re really not very good with hypothetical examples, are you?” Kelly interrupted, as Czeros stared daggers at the young Stryx.
“Your children would have understood me the first time,” Jeeves grumbled. “I’m trying to convey that there’s a difference between a peaceful delegation and an invasion.”
“So why didn’t you say that in the first place?”
“Because I’m practicing being DIPLOMATIC!” Jeeves thundered.
“Good job,” Abeva observed dryly. “Now perhaps we can return to the important business of filling out the mission personnel? As the ambassador of the most populous of the humanoid species on the tunnel network, I am pleased to offer my services in any executive capacity required.”
“I just want a straight answer from Jeeves first on how many of you I can invite along before I make any choices,” Kelly replied.
“The group of ambassadors present would make an impressive display without being overwhelming,” the Stryx acknowledged after a pause.
“That settles it,” the Grenouthian ambassador declared, hopping up and moving towards the exit. “Lots to prepare before we leave. Thank you for the invitation, Ambassador McAllister.”
“You’ve chosen well,” Abeva said, pushing back her chair. “I’ll see you all on Wylx’s ship.”
“Likewise,” the Chert mumbled, snatching back his invisibility projector and disappearing.
“Why isn’t there ever any catering when I come to one of these meetings?” the Gem ambassador asked plaintively, rising from her seat. “Pending consultation with my sisters, I tentatively accept your request, Ambassador McAllister.”
“I couldn’t have timed my return any better,” Ortha said, looking rather smug. He flashed Kelly a thumbs-up and followed the others out.
“The princes will want to know about my appointment immediately,” the Dollnick ambassador announced, taking his leave.
