by Daisy Allen
“Jez, no!” She screams again, just as he looms above me. I reach up to cover my face, but he’s pulled away before he can hit me again. I can just make out Brad and Sebastian dragging him out the door as I sit up, my vision blurry.
“Come on, Marius.” Cadence and Hailey pull me to my feet.
“Where’s Anca?”
“Don’t worry, she’s fine, we gotta get out of here. Now.”
I can just make out the flash of camera phones in our direction as someone throws a sweater over my head as we rush out of there and into a waiting taxi.
“Guys. What happened?” I ask as soon as the taxi pulls away from the curbside.
“Anca… she got hurt.” Cadence said, her face tight.
“Fuck. BY who?”
“By you, Marius. By you.”
The stars come back and blind me and I lay back against the seat as the world falls down around me.
***
“Where’s Anca?” I say as soon as I open the door to the joint hotel suite.
“What the fuck is he doing here?” Jez spring up from his seat, before Brad pulls him back down, patting him on the shoulder, whispering something to him.
I ignore him, even though it’s hard to, with my aching cheek reminding what just happened between us.
“She’s resting, Marius. Probably just let her alone until the morning,” Sebastian replies, walking over to me and Cadence, who lets him lead her over to the couch.
“Just leave her alone from now on.” Jez says, his voice tense, even as he tries to stay in his seat.
“It was an accident, man. You’ve got to know that.”
“Do I? She was doing fine.”
“You didn’t see what I saw.” I plead with him.
“You want to know what I saw? I saw YOU hit Anca.” He glares at me, his eyes accusing.
God. What have I done? “I didn’t see her there, man. Come on! You know I wouldn’t hurt her.”
“Do I?” He asks again.
“Jez…” Brad cuts in, but there’s no point.
Jez jumps to his feet and takes three steps, pressing his chest against mine and his fingers against my shoulder.
“All I know is that you went over there, even when I told you not to, and she ended up with a bruised fucking cheek. And that you caused it. So, hot shot, how the fuck do you think I should feel? Would YOU trust you?”
He’s right. Of course he’s right. “I’m sorry, man. I’m so sorry.”
“I’m not the one you should be apologizing to.”
“I will, I’m going now.”
“No! You stay the fuck away from her. I thought… I thought if there was anyone I could trust to treat my sister well, it would be you. I’m not going to make that mistake again.”
“Jez!” We turn to sound of Anca’s voice. Her face is red and her eyes even redder.
“Anca!” We both run to her. But Jez pushes me back hard, and I stumble against the coffee table.
“Stop! Enough! Both of you! Enough!” She yells and runs out of the room.
Jez turns to me, acid in his eyes.
“I said it to you before, but now you better fucking listen to me. You stay the fuck away from my sister. Just stay away.”
Chapter Twenty-nine
Anca
I’ve never been an extrovert.
Even in my most outspoken, outgoing moments, there’s a part of me that feels like I’m floating out of body and watching myself play act for a moment, hiding from the shy, quiet girl inside.
My memories are filled with trying to survive the trauma that colored each and every one of my days since my losing my parents.
That kind of life really doesn’t crave any more drama.
I don’t search for movies with rollercoaster love stories, romance novels with implausible twists and turns before getting to an unsatisfying ending; my heart is already barely held together by the scars of my childhood pain.
I crave contentment.
Simplicity.
The quiet joy of lying in Marius’ arms and his sleeping breath in my ear.
I never wanted anything more than that. I didn’t want the burden of Jez’s hurt. Of that look in his eyes that two of the people he trusts most in the world have succumbed to their own selfishness to betray him.
It taints it, it taints everything.
And even as I sit here, remembering the wild look on Jez’s face as he lunged towards Marius, I can’t help but think, they are so alike.
Unable to see past their own egos to see me for who I am.
A soft knock on the door pulls me from my memories of the night.
I open it and a sliver of bright light from the hotel hallway splits my dark room in two.
“Hey.” Marius says, his voice low. His head leaning against the doorframe. “Can I come in?”
I open the door a little, and move to the side letting him step past me and then close the door behind him. He walks over to the open window; there’s the barest glow from the moon filtering through.
We stand there in silence for a moment as our eyes adjust.
“Anca.” He reaches out and I bite my lip, trying not to flinch as he cups his cool hand against my bruised cheek. “I’m so sorry.” I don’t say anything. I’m not sure what there is to say. “I didn’t see you there, it was an accident.”
“I know.” I whisper.
“You-you believe me?”
“Of course, I do. I know you wouldn’t try to hurt me on purpose.”
He pulls his hand away and he falls to his knees, his face in his hands. It takes everything I have not to wrap my arms around him.
There’s a sob and when he pulls his hands away, his face is wet with tears.
“Thank you.”
“What for?”
“For knowing that I didn’t hit you on purpose.”
“Marius, a lot of really fucked up things happened tonight, but you deliberately hurting me, was never one of those things.”
“Jez… Jez thinks I did it on purpose.”
I shake my head. “No, he doesn’t.”
“He does… he said…”
“He’s… he’s probably just as confused as we all are right now.”
“Anca…” He reaches for me, and I pause before taking a step back. The hurt in his eyes sears, and I have to look away.
“Marius, just because I believe that you didn’t hit me on purpose, doesn’t mean everything’s okay.”
“Is it because Jez-...”
“No, he shouldn’t have hit you either, but he was just protecting me. No, this doesn’t have anything to do with him.”
“Then what does it have to do with?”
“Me! You! US!”
“Anca…”
“I was fine, Marius. Nothing was going on, those guys weren’t doing anything and I wasn’t in trouble.”
“But…”
“No, listen. This is exactly what happened tonight, you just didn’t listen. You didn’t listen when I told you I could take care of myself, and you’re not listening now. I have enough of that in my life, with a big brother who refuses to let me grow up and… and the memory an ex-teacher, who made me second guess myself to the point of crippling anxiety.”
“I am not the Maestro.”
“No, and you’re not Jez. I’m supposed to be your partner, your lover. Not your ward. I don’t need you to tell me what I can or cannot do!”
“I…”
“Do you understand?”
“You looked like you were in trouble.”
“So, you just barged in and started swinging your ego around. And who got hurt?” I shake my head. He just doesn’t get it. If he can’t see what he’s done wrong, what’s the point of all this? I can’t be with someone who thinks he has to be the hero all the time. I have an older brother for that.
He looks up, and I know he feels remorseful. I just don’t know if it will change anything.
“You’re not my big brother, Marius. You should’ve known be
tter. I want someone to support me, not carry me.”
“I made a mistake.”
“No, you made a decision. Yes, it was in a heated moment. A decision based on a preconceived notion that I need to be protected… because I can’t do it myself.” I pull away from him, trying to ignore the broken look on his face. “And that’s what really hurt me, Marius.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I know, I just don’t know what you’re really sorry about.”
He nods, but doesn’t provide any more clarity. “Can I stay?” He asks, his voice so soft I can barely hear it.
Yes. I want to say to him. Stay and hold me until we both forget everything that happened tonight. But I don’t. “I’m sorry, I really need to get some rest… we… we can talk later, ok?”
I climb into bed and turn away from him. I keep waiting for him to leave, but the last thing that I remember before I drift off to sleep, is the sound of his breath.
Chapter Thirty
Marius
She hasn’t come out of her room all day, and I’ve stayed mostly in mine, except for pacing in front of her door, waiting to see if she’ll answer my knock. I’ve thought a lot about what she said, and the truth is, I can see where she’s coming from.
I can’t say that what she told me about what she’s suffered in the past hasn’t affected my desire to protect her. I just can’t imagine how much strength it took to recover from what happened with the Maestro, and the last thing I want is to ever see her hurt again.
Now I’m the one who’s hurt her. Me. There’s really no reason Anca, and even Jez, ever should speak to me again. I get that.
I just have to trust her, as she’s asked.
I set the alarm to wake me in time for the night’s performance and fall asleep to images of her with tears in her eyes.
***
“Where’s Anca?” I ask later, poking my head out of the green room we have put aside for our meditation.
“I haven’t seen her,” one of the crew answers as he rushes off with a pile of cords looped around his hand.
Damn. I check my watch. Twenty minutes until curtains up. I won’t have time to go through the meditation routine with her if she doesn’t show soon.
Why isn’t she here?
I try to push her out of my mind as I sit and close my eyes and breathe.
***
“Where’s Anca?” I ask Jez as we get into position on stage, and he just shrugs without looking at me.
“She didn’t come meditate with me,” I tell him, and his head jerks up and he turns towards to wings.
“She’ll be okay,” he mumbles, though I’m not sure who he’s trying to convince.
“I hope so,” I say, again, to him or to myself, I’m not sure.
The lights go out, and there’s nowhere to go but forward.
***
“She is the sensation, you’ve all been waiting to see! Our very own harpist from heaven, ANCA PETRESCU!”
Sebastian intro echoes throughout the venue and the crowd cranks up their cheers to full volume.
I watch and wait. But there’s no movement from the wings.
Sebastian shoots a look at me and I nod, and twirl my finger, urging him to draw out the intro.
“If you were at our concert last week on the esplanade, you would have heard her perform a kick ass version of Beautiful, but that’s got NOTHING on what she’s prepared for you for tonight! GIVE IT UP FOR ANCA!!!!”
It takes a few more moments before I see her emerge from behind the curtain.
She gives the crowd a small wave as she walks over to the harp and settles down on the stool.
“Breath, baby, just breathe,” I urge her under my breath. Her movements seem stiff and tense.
The stage lights dim to focus on the one spotlight lighting a perfect circle around Anca and her harp.
The noise from the audience slowly dies into nothing as she raises her arms.
She’s alone for the piece. Just her. Just her and harp.
But there’s not even that.
Ten, twenty, thirty seconds go by, and her fingers remain frozen over her unplucked harp.
Damn. No. I think, as I watch her from my corner on the stage. Even from here I can see her skin is paler than snow, her shoulders shaking.
Come on, Anca… come on, baby. Breathe. I will her.
But there’s nothing.
It’s over a minute now, close to two. The crowd is restless.
I gesture to Sebastian and he grabs the microphone, his face confused. Before he can say anything though, there’s a call from the crowd.
“Come on!!! What are you waiting for! You scared?”
There’s a rippling laugh from the crowd and more voices join the heckling.
I gesture wildly to Sebastian to just start playing. He yells into the microphone, “We ain’t scared a’ nothing!” And he pulls his bow across his cello and Brad joins in, the audience instantly comes alive, raising their arms into the air.
I run over to Anca, she’s still rooted to the spot her hands still unmoving.
“Anca! Are you okay? What’s wrong?”
“I… I… I can’t…”
“It’s okay, just breathe.”
“No! I can’t! I just… I told you… I’m just not good enough!” With that, she stands up, steadying herself on her harp for moment as she sways and then runs off the stage.
“Anca!” I go to follow her but a figure stops me.
“Let me go, Jez, she needs me.”
“Let her go, we have a concert, Marius. You have to let her go.”
“To hell with that! She needs me, she needs YOU, can’t you see that?”
“Look! Look man, Hailey is right there with her!” He points to the wings, and I see Hailey with her arms around Anca. “We have work to do. You think I don’t want to go after her? She’s my baby sister man, but she made a choice, and so did we.”
“Fuck that, get out of my way.”
“When are you going to fucking listen to me! This is why it’s never going to work! Why I never wanted you fucking my sister in the first place”
This time, it’s my fist that cracks his jaw. Right there, right on stage. He stumbles back, drops his cello.
I brace myself for the return attack, but he just shakes his head.
The music keeps going as I feel someone drag me off stage, to the sound of Sebastian yelling into the microphone, “Damn, sometimes the music just works you up doesn’t it! Don’t worry, someone’s hosing our hot, sexy viola player down, I’m sure he’ll be back later. Get those panties ready, ladies!... and hey, if some of you sexy men wanna throw some up here, that’s fine too!”
“Let go of me!” I struggle out of the hold. It’s our bodyguard, Mike. “What the hell, man?!” I yell at him.
He puts a hand on my shoulder, it’s hot and firm and large. “Marius. Chill.” He says. And I know he’s right.
“Where is she?” I ask him.
“Hailey took her back to the hotel. I’m sure she’s fine.”
“Fuck.”
I stand in the wings, looking out at my bandmates, three figures on the stage, and wonder how it’s come to this. Them there, and me here.
And worse.
Me here, and her god knows where.
Chapter Thirty-one
Anca
I feel nothing.
I feel nothing, I hear nothing, I barely know where I am.
I’ve felt this before.
And I don’t know how I can be here again.
My body jerks and there’s some chatter and someone’s pulling gently on my arm.
“Come with me, hon,” someone says. I think it’s Hailey. “Come on, let’s get you up to your room.”
I know my body’s moving because the sights around me change, but I don’t know how it’s happening. I’m not telling my legs to move, or my body to pitch forward, but it is.
At least there’s that.
At least my body knows what it needs
to do, even if I consciously don’t.
I guess that’s what’s keeping my lungs taking in air and my heart beating.
“Sit down, babe. Here, have a drink.”
She’s being so nice.
I ruin everything, all the hard work that all the band and crew do, and I can’t do the ONE thing I’m meant to.
Play the fucking harp.
She’s being so nice and I don’t deserve it.
Somehow that revelation breaks the dam, and I feel my eyes fill with tears.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry!”
“Hey, hey, don’t worry about it. It’s no big deal! Things happen.”
“But… I shouldn’t… I have a problem, and I shouldn’t have gone on stage...”
She frowns, looking even more concerned than she did before. “You’ve had this happen before?”
“Yeah… but I thought I had it under control until the…” I throw my hands up, I don’t even know how to explain it.
“Until what?”
“Just… I guess … I didn’t have it as under control as I thought I did.” My eye catches the display of dahlias on the coffee table. My stomach sinks into the floor. “Wha… um, what is that?”
“Oh, I guess someone brought it in here for you, looks like some flowers from a fan.”
No. Not here, please not here. Not now.
“There’s a note, do you want me to get it?”
“No!... I mean, I have a headache, I don’t really feel like reading anything.”
“Of course, I’ll let you get some rest. Don’t worry about anything, okay? Just get some rest and when the rest of the guys come back, we’ll go grab something to eat.”
“Hailey?”
“Yeah, babe?”
“Thank you.”
“No problem, we’re family, right? Not just cos you’re Jez’s sister, or um, Marius’s girlfriend… or whatever. Just cos you’re you. We’re fam, babe.”
My eyes threaten to flood with tears from her words, so I just smile and she gives me a hug before turning off the light and closing the door quietly behind her.
