by Iris Morland
“You can’t sit in your apartment and wallow forever,” she said. “You got second place, sweetheart. That’s nothing to sneeze at.”
I hadn’t felt all that inclined to tell her I wasn’t wallowing because of my loss. That was a very tiny part of this shit situation I’d found myself in. Losing fair and square would be one thing: I’d lost before, and although it sucked, it was the nature of the game.
Losing because the guy who I’d fallen in love with had won by being a sneaky cheating asshole?
That was something else entirely.
I hadn’t told anyone what had happened down in LA, not even Anna. I preferred to believe it had never happened. If I brushed it under the rug, then it didn’t exist.
But it kept coming out from under the rug and squeezing my heart until I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I dreamed about Jacob—good dreams, bad dreams. Weird dreams where he transformed into a beaver and tried to destroy my house by chewing it to pieces.
I was, in a word, a wreck. But nobody seemed to notice. Like I’d done with Mari, they assumed what they saw on the surface was the truth, and they didn’t feel like delving below that layer.
“Dani, pass the rolls,” said my dad at dinner. I was picking at my cauliflower and farro salad; I’d probably lost five pounds in the last two weeks simply from not eating very much.
“Dani, did you hear me?” my dad said again.
My entire family stared at me: Kate with suspicion; Mari with a kind of absent interest; my mom with real concern; my dad with confusion. I watched the emotions play across their faces like a movie. I would’ve laughed, but nothing seemed all that funny lately. Not even dreams about Jacob as a beaver had provided more than a halfhearted chuckle when I’d woken up.
I passed the rolls, as requested. I mumbled something in reply.
“Do you know who I ran into today?” said my mom. “Heidi West. She wanted to tell you congratulations, Dani, on your getting second place.” My mom wrinkled her nose. “Then she proceeded to tell me how proud she was of her son and husband for winning first place, like she wanted to lord it over me.”
“Still can’t believe they, of all people, won.” My dad shook his head, pointing his fork at me. “I’m sorry to say, Dani, but you should’ve listened to me. There was no reason why you couldn’t have gotten first place if you’d done something that wasn’t so out there.”
I gritted my teeth so hard I was pretty sure they would turn to dust in a few seconds. Mari squeezed my hand under the table, and it was only her silent sympathy that kept me from storming out of the house.
“That’s not to say your design wasn’t beautiful,” my mom said. “You always come up with such interesting ideas. That has to count for something.”
“She did get second place,” supplied Kate. “So it must not have sucked that bad.”
“Of course it didn’t suck. Dani’s designs never suck.” My dad waved a hand. “But sometimes you have to fit inside the box to win the box.”
“Who would want to win a box?” This from Kate.
“It’s a metaphor,” said Mari.
“No, it’s not. At least, it’s not a very good one,” said Kate.
My family began to debate the merits of my design, whether anyone would want to win a box, if my dad was right, if the judges had been bribed (the Wests weren’t any of our favorites, but that seemed like a stretch even to me), if it had been because Mercury had been in retrograde, as my mom believed. “It would’ve been better if they’d scheduled it a week later when the moon entered Aries,” she said with a shake of her head.
“I can’t help but wonder what they’re going to do with that prize money. They could try to buy us out, you know,” said my dad. “Put us out of business altogether. They’ve been wanting to do that since they first opened.”
Anger burst inside me. I threw my fork down onto my plate, the clattering sound drawing my family’s immediate attention. I stood up from my chair and gripped the edge of the table.
“Please. Stop. Talking,” I eked out.
“Honey, what’s wrong?” said my mom.
Tears threatened. My bottom lip wobbled. I felt so stupid, getting upset like this, that I only managed to say, “Cauliflower is the fucking worst,” before I burst into tears and ran from the room.
My dad was the one who came after me. He didn’t say anything, but instead ushered me to his office and shut the door to give us privacy. Pushing a box of tissues in front of me, he waited for my tears to abate, much like he used to do when I was a kid and had gotten upset that Mari had made fun of my hair or Kate had messed with my dolls.
Except my dad couldn’t ground Jacob or make him buy me new dolls with his allowance. I wished I could go back to those days, when my parents could fix things for me with such ease. But I was an adult now; I couldn’t climb into my dad’s lap and tell him my troubles as he assured me that things would get better.
“I have a feeling this isn’t about you getting second place,” he said after I’d blown my nose a half-dozen times. “You never get this upset about not getting first place. I think the one time you did cry, it was because a judge dared to suggest that your arrangement wasn’t symmetrical.” He chuckled at the memory.
I smiled, despite my mood. “I was mad about that comment for weeks.”
“You were.” My dad’s brow clouded with concern. “Do you want to talk about it? I’d tell you that you don’t have to say anything, but the rest of the family is going to demand to know what’s going on if I don’t find out.”
“You guys are all a bunch of damn snoops.”
“Only because we love you.”
That made me want to start crying again. I somehow kept the tears at bay this time, and in a halting voice, I told my dad everything. Well, not everything everything. There was no reason to tell him about losing my virginity to Jacob, but my dad was a smart guy and could put the pieces together. When I told him about sharing a hotel room with Jacob in Vancouver, my dad kept looking at the ceiling, as if it would provide divine intervention.
“So you were right,” I finished, grabbing more tissues. “He didn’t give a shit about me. He wanted to win that money and use any method to get it. The worst of it is, if I’d listened to you about the design I ended up submitting, I probably could have won. I was too stubborn to listen, and I let everyone down.”
My voice broke, and I crumpled up the tissues in my hand.
“Oh, honey,” my dad said, “you’ve never let me down.”
“Of course I let you down. I was going to use that money to make the store even better, but I’ve done nothing but fuck things up.”
“Now, that’s a load of crap, and you know it.” My dad sighed. “I know I’ve been hard on you, Dani, and I’m realizing just now that I’ve been too hard on you. You were always so strong, so capable, that sometimes it made me forget that you can be vulnerable, too. I’m sorry about that. Sorrier than I can say.”
He took the crumpled-up tissues from my hand. “You’ve done an amazing job running the store. I couldn’t be prouder. And just because you didn’t win this competition, it doesn’t mean you can’t win next year. You can accomplish whatever you set your mind to.”
My heart lifted with each word he said. I hadn’t realized how much I needed to hear what he was saying. Although Jacob had wounded me deeply, his betrayal couldn’t break me, not with the support of my annoying, nosy, lovable family.
“I still think that boy shouldn’t have won in the first place,” said my dad caustically, “but I believe you when you say he didn’t outright copy you.”
“You were right about the Wests: I should’ve stayed away from Jacob.”
“We’ve all gotten mixed up with people we shouldn’t.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Like who?”
My dad leaned back in his chair, his expression faraway. “Did I ever tell you about Camilla Langdon?” He let out a whistle. “I dated her before I met your mother. Everybody in town knew she was b
ad news, but I didn’t listen.”
“So what happened?”
“I proposed, she laughed at me, and then she ran off with one of the Sanders’ boys.” My dad’s expression darkened. “That’s why we never, ever buy compost from their store.”
“Their compost is tainted? Who knew. I thought it was just shitty.”
“It is shitty.” My dad smiled wryly. “Do you want to return to dinner, or do you want to sneak out before your mom and sisters jump on you?”
I chose the latter, and I snuck out of the house with my dad’s help and walked home. They could always come banging on my door, of course, but at least this gave me a little time to collect my thoughts before they started demanding answers.
I didn’t have much time to be alone, though. When I heard the knock on my door, I thought it was my family. I even had the stupid thought that it could be Jacob. But it was Anna, who looked fit to be tied.
“Why haven’t you been answering my messages?” she demanded, coming inside my apartment. “I thought you were dead.”
“I replied to one message.”
“Yeah, one. Out of at least six. So, what’s the deal? I haven’t seen you in forever.” She looked at me more closely, probably noticing my still bloodshot eyes and red nose. “Okay, you look like shit. Spill, woman.”
I did spill, except unlike with my dad, I told her the details regarding Jacob and me. I probably told her too much, but Anna had a way of weaseling information out of people that you realized later had been major TMI.
“And you haven’t heard from him since?” she asked.
Kevin hopped onto my lap and I petted him absently. “Nope. Total radio silence.”
“Well, clearly he’s a fuck weasel. I’m glad you told him off. But…”
I scratched Kevin behind his ears, one of which had lost its tip before I’d adopted him. “But?”
“Maybe it’s not as black and white as it seems.”
I stared at her. “Seriously?”
“No, hear me out.” She sat forward. “Why didn’t he totally ghost on you the second he’d gotten what he wanted? That makes no sense. And what guy not only dresses up in a tux to make up for standing you up for prom, but makes sure your first time is legen-fucking-dary?”
“It wasn’t that great,” I lied.
“Bullshit. I saw you five days later and you were still having an orgasm.”
“I don’t think that’s humanly possible.”
“Look, I’m not saying you shouldn’t be pissed or that he didn’t fuck up. He did. He’s a douche for this whole thing. But what if he’s a douche who knows he screwed up and maybe, just maybe, he cares enough about you to make things right?”
I snorted. “If that were true, he would’ve contacted me by now.”
“Would you have listened to him?”
I didn’t answer, because we both knew what I would’ve told him. Go fall off a cliff, or some iteration of that.
“You don’t have to act like he didn’t hurt you, but if you love him, maybe hear him out. You don’t have to forgive him. But he wasn’t totally wrong about how you push people away.”
I scowled. “Why are you on his side?”
“Bitch, I’m always on your side, which is why I’m here to tell you the truth.” She smiled when Kevin climbed into her lap, the traitor. “You expect people to disappoint you. When you expect something, it’ll happen. So then you’re justified in keeping everyone at arm’s length. Except me, of course. I wouldn’t let you do that to me.”
My head and heart hurt. I didn’t know what I wanted to do anymore. Despite what he did, I missed Jacob terribly. Not just the sex, but that was a part of it. I missed that connection with him, the way he pushed me, the way he discovered not just my sexuality, but my squishy insides that were protected by a hard emotional exterior.
“I don’t know if I can let myself trust him again,” I whispered. “Because what if he lets me down again? How many times can I let a guy break my heart?”
“To be fair, you didn’t really love him when you were a kid. You didn’t know him. He was right about you putting him on a pedestal.”
“I’m still not convinced you’re really on my side.”
“Oh, you’re such a love bug,” cooed Anna to Kevin, who was purring and drooling at the same time. “Purr, purr, purr.”
“Concentrate,” I said.
“Sorry. I don’t know why you always say Kevin is a jerk. He loves me.” She then said to me, “If Jacob tries to work things out, then hear him out. That’s all I’m saying. Because I think if you don’t, you’ll regret it.”
Later that evening, as I watched Chopped with Kevin now on my lap, I wondered if Jacob would even try to mend things with me. It had been three weeks already. Didn’t that mean he’d moved on?
I hadn’t moved on, though. I still loved him; I still wanted to be with him. Leaning down to kiss Kevin on his silky head, I murmured, “Why are men so stupid?”, and Kevin, being a cat and a male, didn’t feel like giving me an answer.
Chapter Twenty-Three
The following Monday, I went to the cafe two blocks from Buds and Blossoms to get my usual latte. I had about an hour before I needed to open the store, but I hadn’t slept well and I thought I could get a jump-start on all the work I needed to get done.
“Dani? Is that you?”
I turned to see Tiffany McClain, now in line for coffee. She was dressed in scrubs, and she even looked tired, although she still managed to be beautiful despite the bags under her eyes.
“How’s Kevin?” she asked.
Taking Kevin into the emergency vet felt like it had happened a million years ago, instead of just two months ago. “He’s good. No more lily incidents.”
“Oh, Dani, I’d love for you to meet my fiancée.” A woman with dark brown skin and hair as dark as midnight approached. “Lola, this is Dani. We went to school together as kids.”
I shook hands with Lola, wondering if their combined beauty would melt my eyeballs. It was like staring into the sun.
Lola, Tiffany, and I chatted for a few minutes until everyone received their coffee and needed to go on their separate ways. After Lola left for work—she worked as a loan officer at a bank—Tiffany followed me outside.
“So, this probably isn’t my place to say anything,” she said suddenly, “but since Jacob has come back, we’ve gotten to be friends again.” She hurried on. “Just friends, though. Lola and I are very much in a committed relationship, and I don’t date men anymore. Anyway, he told me about you…and him. And what happened in Los Angeles.”
My face burned. Had Jacob seriously talked to his ex-girlfriend while completely ghosting on me? Now I was pissed.
“I’m not sure why you’re telling me this,” I ground out.
“I know. I’m doing a terrible job.” She laughed awkwardly. “He only told me the bare bones. But the real reason I’m talking to you is because their store is in trouble.”
“Why? Because Jacob took it over?”
“No, it was already deep in the red. It’s to the point that his parents are about to lose everything: their house, their retirement. Everything.” Tiffany tapped her red-painted fingernails against her coffee cup. “Lola told me. I realize giving you this information isn’t exactly aboveboard, but I felt like you should know. If it made any difference to how you felt about Jacob.”
Tiffany could have knocked me over with one flick of her nails, I was so stunned. Never in a million years would I have thought that Jacob’s store was in trouble. He’d hinted at it, I realized. Why hadn’t I asked more questions?
Then again, he’d wanted the prize money badly enough to betray me, the woman he said he loved.
“Look, I’ll let you go, but I just know from experience that it’s too easy to see the worst in people, not the best. But that’s how you end up alone.” Tiffany smiled sadly. “I’m lucky Lola and I got a second chance. That’s all.”
I didn’t stop to think about my next actions
. I texted Judith, told her that I needed her to open the store because an emergency came up, and was relieved when she said she’d be there within the hour.
Then I went looking for Jacob.
I went to his apartment complex (he’d since given me his exact address), and knocked on his door. No answer. I texted him; I called him in the meanwhile. Again, no answer.
I went straight to his parents’ house. When Kenneth West answered the door, my voice disappeared because he looked so much like Jacob that it was physically painful to look at him. He was hunched over a bit, a cane in his right hand.
“Is Jacob here?” I said, my heart in my throat.
Kenneth narrowed his eyes at me. “You’re one of the Wright girls,” he said. The left side of his face drooped, and I almost didn’t understand what he was saying.
“Yes, I’m Dani. It’s nice to see you. I hope you liked the quiche. Is Jacob here?”
“Ken, who is it?” Jacob’s mom, Heidi, came to the door. She was blonde like her son, but at least a half a head shorter than him. “Oh, hello. Are you here for your pie pan? I meant to stop by and return it to you. It was sweet of you to bring it by.”
I wanted to scream. “You’re welcome. Is Jacob here?”
Heidi’s perfectly plucked eyebrows winged to her forehead. “Jacob? No, dear.”
“Do you know where he is?”
Kenneth grunted. “You’re the girl he’s been pining after, aren’t you? He never said who it was, but it makes sense. Why he was so riled up about doing the competition.” He sighed. “He probably was right. You know you’re old when your kid knows better than you.”
“Oh, you know what,” said Heidi, like her husband hadn’t said anything, “Jacob should be at the greenhouse today. I’ll give you the address.”
After what felt like hours, Heidi returned with a handwritten address, smiled at me, and led her husband back inside. But not before Kenneth essentially confirmed what Tiffany had told me already, except not in so many words. I wondered if his stroke made him more prone to telling people details he wouldn’t have given out when he’d been well.
