I couldn’t grasp the length of the time it would take to stop crying myself to sleep at night. Like the very day he’d left this world, I was still missing him just as much.
Since my appetite had been nonexistent, and I chalked it up to stress, I was utterly surprised when my period never came. For the simple fact of not wanting anyone to know any more of my business, I drew my own blood and tested it for hormones.
The overwhelming feeling I received when I looked at the results and saw that my HCG levels were elevated caused me to bawl. I retested them again, this time with a new sample. It was the same result. I was pregnant.
A part of Major was growing inside of me, and I couldn’t grasp how life changing it was for me, and for the rest of his family. I knew for a fact that I was in the early stages, so making sure I kept it a secret for now was crucial. I couldn’t bear to give them wonderful news only to miscarry and break their hearts all over again.
It was that very day when things changed for me. Though I desperately missed Major, I knew he’d given me the greatest gift possible before he passed away. I was so grateful after all of my praying that there was light at the end of the tunnel.
That night, while naked in the bathroom, I brought my hands over my abdomen and looked in the mirror. Soon enough I’d start showing. Inside of me was the start of my new life without Major. I was going to be a mother to a child fathered by the love of my life. What better way to remember him? Part of his spirit would live on through his own child. It was beautiful.
When I crawled into bed I cried for a whole different reason. It was out of appreciation. This was why my prayers had gone unanswered. I might not have known it then, but I had something so important to live for.
It took me two weeks until I couldn’t hold in the news any longer. A big part of me feared it was too soon, but with the family still struggling so much I wanted to give them the same hope I was living with.
Sunday dinner was the perfect time to have everyone together. I waited until dessert to stand up and make my announcement. At first, I think everyone assumed I was either going to the bathroom or leaving. They were all shocked when I tapped my spoon on my glass of water. “I have something I want to say.”
The room got quiet as all eyes were on me. Before I could tell them my news, Tony Jr. stood up. “I have something I need to tell everyone when she’s finished.”
Since I knew my news was going to brighten everyone’s day I didn’t wait another second. With tears starting to fill my eyes, I looked directly at Vicki. “I’m pregnant.”
The area, congested with family, burst into celebration. The amount of hugs and emotions that we shared were overwhelming. Learning I was pregnant was a blessed moment for me, but this was the first time I’d actually been happy. The elated atmosphere didn’t settle down for quite a while. All the women wanted to know when I was due, how I was feeling, and how long I’d known. The guys seemed pleased that a part of their brother would carry on. It was Tony Sr. that really shocked me though. He came up and pulled me into his arms, breaking down in front of everyone. “Thank you,” was all he could muster.
Having gotten choked up myself, I let him hold me there, and appreciated that this was more like a breakthrough for him. None of us had closure, but a baby opened a new chapter for all of us.
For the first time in a while we stayed longer than usual. Everyone was in a cheerful mood. It was finally pleasant, unlike recently when everyone walked on eggshells, never knowing what to say. Tony Jr. never made his announcement. I suppose my news must have been so good maybe he’d forgotten. I hoped that he had good news and nothing else that would cause the family more turmoil.
The excitement didn’t just last that night. It carried on for weeks, and those weeks finally turned into months. I had my first appointment with the doctor, who let me know my due date, and when I would start coming in once a month to be examined.
The days started to blend together, and although the loneliness hadn’t subsided, I was distracted. It got easier as my belly began to grow. My focus had changed, and with that left me more on edge. I’d always wanted to be a mother. Major and I had discussed it so many times. We’d talked about baby names, and how we’d raise our children. Doing it all without him would be a challenge in itself, but there was also the knowledge that he’d never experience any of it. That killed me inside, because I knew the moment he or she came into the world new memories would be made. They’d never know the wonderful man who helped create them. They’d never have a daddy to cuddle up next to, or save them from a bad dream. Major’s family would be around, but not for the little things that would add up to mean much more anyway.
When it came time to go in for my first sonogram, I invited Vicki, Shawna and my father. Aside from Major, there weren’t three other people better for the job. I think everyone knew how hard it was going to be for me, probably more than I anticipated. I was so excited about seeing my baby on that screen, I hadn’t considered it would be a bittersweet moment. As the wand ran across my lubricated stomach, I felt a knot in my throat. My eyes began to burn, because I was doing this without him. Being a mother wasn’t a dream without the father. I felt lost, torn apart, and right back to that place I’d gone when I’d lost everything.
I was such a wreck I couldn’t calm down to see the image on the monitor. My blood pressure became elevated and everyone was asked to leave the room so I could calm down. I was miserable, afraid, and terribly alone when it counted the most.
When I was finally able to finish the test they told me I was having a little boy. I knew right away he’d be named after his father; the best man I’d ever known. My anguish was once again replaced. The doctor explained to everyone that my hormones were heightened, and that throughout my pregnancy I would experience good and bad days, especially considering the loss of Major. Since I’d suffered a breakdown in the office, I was ordered to report to the doctor more frequently. They were concerned I’d develop preeclampsia. That scared me.
I’d already lost his father. I couldn’t lose this little guy too.
I wish I could say that was the only bad news I received that week. Waiting for me in the mail was a letter that would change so much.
It was addressed to Major from a cancer center in Pennsylvania. I had no clue what it could be. I think at first I suspected he’d been donating to them and they were sending a receipt. Major was healthy. He couldn’t have been suffering from something that serious and not told me.
After staring at the envelope for longer than I care to admit, I pulled it open and read the letter. It was a confirmation of surgery, but it wasn’t for Major. It was for Vince Gallo. Major had been his next of kin and they were sending the confirmation to make sure they had the correct information for notification in case of a medical emergency. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Had Major been keeping a secret from me? Was something wrong with Vince? Was his life in danger as well?
I called the hospital, but they wouldn’t give me any information, especially when I wasn’t Major. Since I knew he hadn’t told the family, and I had no idea how serious it was, I felt it was important to get to the bottom of it. Suddenly Vince leaving seemed like it was more serious than he’d led on. As much as I hated the man, I knew he was a brother to Major. I couldn’t ignore something that important. He didn’t have anyone else to turn to. I owed him the decency to make sure he was going to be okay.
I took a couple days off work and hopped in my car, eager to locate the hospital and find out what was going on. The drive from Maryland to Pennsylvania was around three hours. By the time I arrived it was early afternoon. I walked inside of the large facility and prayed they’d give me some kind of information. Since his surgery was supposed to happen in a few short days, I didn’t know how I’d find him. Luckily the front desk person was new. I showed her my letter and may or may not have conjured up a few tears when I told the story of losing Major and fearing that we were going to lose his brother as well. She gave me
a room number and the directions as to how I would get there. After I thanked her, I got a visitor’s badge and headed up. I didn’t know what to expect. Vince had been gone for months. The last time I’d seen him he was healthy and trying to pick up anything that walked. He was cocky and full of himself, and also the reason my Major felt as though he had something to prove.
The moment I stopped in front of his room and saw his name listed I could feel my heart pounding. I had no clue what to expect, and when the door opened I was at a loss for words. A bald man was in a wheelchair with his back facing me. He was looking out the window, sitting all alone. At first I assumed I’d gotten the wrong room. When he began to spin the chair around, I turned to leave. “I’m sorry. I must have the wrong room number.”
Then I heard his voice. “Bailey?”
I stopped dead in my tracks and twisted back around. “Vince?” I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The man in the wheelchair was none other than Vince and he looked ghostly. I could hardly recognize him. In a matter of seconds I was at his side, kneeling down in front of him. “Why didn’t you tell anyone?”
“I told Major a while back. He knew after the wedding I was checking myself in. The cancer spread. It’s in both of my testicles now. I waited too long to do something about it. They’re removing them next week, because the chemo didn’t help.” Then his eyes narrowed down on my stomach. They came back and looked into mine. “You’re pregnant?”
I nodded. “Almost five months along. It’s a boy.”
Just like that I watched the tough guy I’d always been annoyed by fall apart. I reached my hand out and placed it over his. “I’m sorry,” he cried. “I know I was an asshole. I deserve this after what I did. Bailey, you have to know I never wanted to lose him. I loved Major more than my own life. I would have given anything to trade places with him, especially when I knew my fate already. Even if they remove the cancer, it can come back at any time. I’ll never be out of the woods. I should have been the one to die in Sicily, not Major.” He kept weeping, and it was difficult for me to understand the things he was saying. “He was the only person I told. After he was gone I wanted to die too. I canceled my first treatment and pretended nothing was wrong. By the time I started getting sick it had progressed to the other side. Now it’s spread further. They’re doing their best to keep me comfortable, but to be honest I don’t care anymore. I have nothing left to fight for.”
I squeeze his hand harder. “Don’t say that. You can beat this.” I didn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
“Why would I want to? You don’t have to be nice to me because Major’s gone. I know you never cared for me. It’s not like I’ve given you much reason to.”
“Major loved you for a reason. The things I said to you; the way I acted, it was wrong. I needed a person to blame.”
“No. You had every right. You still do. I pushed him to take that jump.”
“Major wanted to beat you. It was his choice.” It suddenly occurred to me what I was saying; what I was admitting out loud. Vince never made him jump off that cliff. He’d done it on his own. He was a grown man who made the choice to put his life in danger. I wasn’t the only person to lose the man I loved. To Vince, Major was his family. He was all he had left. As much as I wanted to hate him for being obnoxious, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. This man was alone, and Major would have wanted me to help him. “You can’t do this by yourself, Vince.”
“I’d never ask for your help, but I didn’t try to keep it from you. It’s what I wanted to tell you at the reading of the will. I knew the hospital would be contacting Major. I knew how upset you were and didn’t want you feeling like he was keeping secrets.”
“He was keeping something personal about you from me. I wouldn’t have been angry about that. You’re best friends. Of course you’d turn to him.”
Vince was so upset I had to stand up and fetch him some tissues. While he cleaned off his face I got a good look at how hard the last few months had been on him. “What are you doing here, Bailey? Even if you suspected something was wrong, why would you come? I’ve been a terrible person to you.”
“Do you hate me, Vince?”
“Of course not. I mean, I gave you a hard time because you were with my buddy. I didn’t mean anything by it.”
I took a few deep breaths and silently asked the lord for strength. “You’re not going to go through this alone anymore.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ll be there. I’ll pick up where Major left off. After your surgery you can come stay with me.”
He shook his head. “I can’t ask you to do that.”
“I’m not offering, I’m telling. You’re coming to stay with me after your surgery. You’re not going to go to some little apartment and care for yourself. Besides, I could use the company.”
I hated seeing a man cry, especially when I knew they were scared. His lips trembled as he replied. “It would mean a lot to me.”
Before I walked out of the room that afternoon Vince made one request. “Please don’t tell the family. I don’t want them worrying about me. They’ve had enough loss. I’d rather they all think I’m out exploring the world. If I had to pick a way to go it would be that anyway.”
“Your secret is safe with me, even if my opinion differs. I think they’d want to be here for you. I hope in time you’ll let them in.”
Going there had opened my eyes to a man I never really knew. He needed my help, and I was going to give it to him, not just because I knew Major would want me to, but because seeing Vince like this only told me how special he was to him. It made me feel close to him again. Vince and I weren’t friends, but I would make him comfortable and do my best to see what I couldn’t before.
Chapter 17
It was difficult going home with such a big secret I knew the family would want to know about.
What was harder was being at Sunday dinner and trying to keep my mouth shut, especially when I knew they all cared so much about Vince. I think what made it more horrible was hearing that Tony Jr.’s news was the fact that he’d bought Vince’s other gym. I wondered to myself if he knew the reason why the guy had picked up and left everything behind. Then I figured they all assumed it was because he’d lost Major.
I tried to check on him daily, though most times he was withdrawn. I wasn’t sure if it was because he’d given up, or he just didn’t find my friendship genuine. It wasn’t like I was faking it. Out of nowhere I found it necessary to be there for whatever he needed. I found myself picking up extra things from the grocery store that I knew he liked. I even changed the bedding in the guest room and rearranged some things so it would be easier for him to maneuver around.
On the day of his surgery I took off work and made the long trip to Pennsylvania. He was pretty nervous, and I had to admit I’d never seen this side of him. His spirits weren’t good, and I doubted there was anything to change that. Then, while I was sifting through my purse to find a little book of crosswords I spotted the picture of my sonogram. Before they came in to wheel Vince back, I placed it in his hands. “You say you have nothing left to fight for, but I think you do. Your nephew is going to need his uncle to tell him about his father. He’s going to need him to show him how to play ball, and how to catch bugs. Don’t you dare give up, Vince. Do you hear me? You can’t give up.”
Before I could turn away I felt him grab my arm. I turned and saw that his eyes were full of fluid. “Why are you doing this for me? Why would you want to give me hope?”
A nurse came into the room, making me feel uncomfortable about the conversation we were having. I leaned down until I was close to his ear and whispered my answer. “Because it’s all I have left to offer.”
Vince took my hand briefly as they carted him away. I knew he was nervous. What man wants to have his testicles removed? He’d never have children. He might not even ever find someone that would love him, but I at least wanted to help him get back on his feet. He’d sold everything, and since I
could only imagine how much a facility like this cost, I knew he wouldn’t have much remaining.
Since Major had left me his home, which was also paid for, I’d be able to afford everything. If or when Vince recovered, he could take his time venturing out to start over again. I had a feeling the old obnoxious guy I loved to hate was long gone. In just a short time he’d lost everything. It was certainly means for a new perspective on life.
While in surgery I remained in his room looking around at the empty walls and tables. He’d had no visitors except for me. It made me feel incredibly sorry for him. There weren’t get well cards, or flowers. It was empty, reminding me much of how Vince lived his life. The only constant had been Major. The women were always a temporary fix probably because he feared being alone. I felt sorry for him. It was a shame he hadn’t experienced a special connection with a woman. He’d never been able to share his soul, or live toward the future. Vince had lost his parents, then his best friend. On top of it all his body was riddled with cancer. I couldn’t handle the idea of him dying so young; never being able to see how much potential he had if he’d only been a better person.
The doctor came into the room after a couple hours. He said the surgery had been a success, and that depending on his recovery, they’d start him on a second round of serious radiation to shrink the other areas it had spread to.
I thanked God as soon as the man left the room, and then I did something I hadn’t done in a while. I spoke to Major.
“I’m not really good at talking to people who I can’t see, but I’ll make an exception for you. I know you’re out there somewhere. I hope you’re in that room with your friend keeping him company while he’s going through this tough ordeal. I’m not mad at you for keeping it from me. I wouldn’t have cared before. You’re probably laughing at me, thinking to yourself that I’ve lost my mind. Maybe in some ways you were right. There was a part of Vince I never knew. Now I’m worried about him. I’ve already lost you. We all have. I don’t think we can take another death. I’ve agreed to take care of him for as long as he needs me to. I hope you know I’m not just doing it for you. Being around Vince has made me feel close to you again. I’d like to think that my being here has been the same for him, but I’m sure it’s the little guy who’s growing inside of me. I told him he has to stick around to help me out. I’m fully aware I have the whole family, but our son will need to know his father the way Vince knew you. I wish you were here. Maybe you could tell me if I’m making bad decisions. Just know I love you. I won’t let the love you left behind be forgotten. I’ll keep your memory strong, and I’ll do whatever it takes to help Vince, even if things get worse. I’ll take care of him. Just do me a favor and look out for us. Keep me calm and watch out for everyone.” It was strange, but as soon as I finished speaking I felt my son moving around inside of my belly. I placed my hand there and smiled. It felt like he knew who I was talking to, and wanted to say hello. Right before I could get emotional I saw them wheeling Vince into the room. He was still unconscious, so I stayed quiet to let him rest. The nurse told me she’d be in to check on him later, and if he woke and needed anything to call her.
Happily Ever Never Page 11
