“Did you ever think it was the fact that you were maturing?”
“Perhaps. Then I got my diagnosis and went bat-shit crazy. I think I once told Major I was going to bang my way to Hell.”
“That’s terrible, Vince.” I scrunched up my face, unable to accept he’d be that careless.
“I made a lot of mistakes. For a while I didn’t care. When I…” he paused. “When we lost Major everything changed. I didn’t have anyone to brag to. Losing him showed me how I should appreciate the little time I have left. I didn’t want to die alone.” He peered in another direction. When his eyes returned to mine he had tears in them. “I still don’t. I never thought I’d want to settle down, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe if I wouldn’t have been running around like I was still in high school I could have caught this cancer sooner.”
I put my hand over his. “Don’t talk like that. None of us want to be alone. Sometimes we don’t get a choice. We can’t decide when we leave this earth, so we have to make the best of our time here. You’ve still got time to find someone to share your life with.”
Vince turned back around and stirred his sauce. “Yeah, maybe.”
Usually we ate in front of the television, but Vince set the dining room table and insisted we enjoy our meal there. In the beginning it was awkward. We sat across from one another not saying much. “I don’t think I’ve used this table since Major’s been gone.”
“I just wanted to say thanks for being a friend to me. I know I’m hard to deal with, but…”
“You’re not, Vince. Maybe before you were, but you’ve changed. You’re different. You’re kind, and you understand what I’m going through. I can’t say that about anyone else. I know his family loved him, but you and I knew everything about Major. It’s been nice having someone who can relate to how much I miss him.”
I rubbed my belly, feeling happy he’d left me with something so beautiful. “It kills me to imagine this little guy never knowing his father. I need you to help me keep him alive for Trey. We can’t let him be a picture on a mantle.”
“I can’t promise I’ll always be around.” His response made me feel sick. I wasn’t sure if he meant he was leaving, or he doubted he’d make it that long.
I shook my head and let out an air-filled sigh. “Don’t talk like that.”
“Bails, you and me, we didn’t start off on the right path. I was a dick. I know it. Honestly, I didn’t think you’d ever come around and give me a second chance. Being here with you, getting to know you personally, I can see all the reasons he loved you. You’re a remarkable woman. You have a heart of gold, much like my buddy did. You were good for each other. You really were.”
I turned shyly. “You don’t have to say that. I’m not a saint.”
“You’re as close as one can get, at least to me. I’d never deserve someone as good as you.”
“Vince,” I replied in a whisper. “You shouldn’t give up hope in finding someone for yourself.”
“I think I’ve had enough fun for a lifetime. I’m ready to be an uncle, provided I make it that long.”
I tossed a napkin in his direction. “Shut up! He’ll be here in two months.”
“I hope I still am. I’m not trying to be negative. You just never know. Look, I know we are just friends. I hope we stay close, but you and I both know things happen that are beyond our control. If this is my last day on earth I want you to know that staying with you has been the most fulfilling relationship I’ve ever had with a woman.”
I couldn’t have taken offense to this, or seen it as him hitting on me. In the past months I’d come to know when he was being sincere. It only made me feel sorry for him. “Vince. That makes me sad. I know not everyone has a kind of love I shared with Major, but I can’t be your most fulfilling relationship. I’ve given you nothing.”
“You’ve given me friendship, and companionship. Do you have any idea what it was like to rot away in that hospital bed thinking I was going to die there? I woke up every single day wondering if it would be my last. I’ve done a ton of crazy things in my life, but the idea of dying alone petrified me. There were so many times I wanted to reach out to someone, but I knew they were all still crushed over losing Major. I couldn’t let my health bring them down again.”
“No one deserves to die alone, Vince. The family cares about you. They consider you one of their own. Tomorrow, when Vicki comes to visit, I want you to be here. You need to tell her the truth once and for all. Tell them about the cancer. Let them be there for you.”
Vince took a bite of food and shook his head. “I can’t do it. You knowing is different. I feel like it’s helped us become friends. They’ll just feel sorry for me and want to help. I’ll drag them down. I know if I take advantage of you you’ll kick me to the curb. You’ll tell me I’m being an asshole and put me in my place. They won’t do that. They’ll be so damn desperate to help me that I’ll become nothing but a burden. Please, I’m asking you as a friend to keep the truth for a little while longer. Tell her whatever you have to, but not the truth.”
I hated this. I understood what he was saying, but was sad he felt the need to hide it. At least they’d have closure, which was something none of us got from Major. If Vince thought he could walk out of their lives and never come back he was mistaken.
“So you want me to lie?” I wanted him to admit it.
“I just don’t want them knowing, not yet.”
“What do you expect me to say to them?” Vince obviously didn’t know I’d already talked to Vicki. He assumed I was going into this with her still angry.
“Tell them we’re together if you have to.” His words echoed in the room. As I sat there dumbfounded, I watched his face remain serious. “She thinks it anyway. Tell her we turned to each other for support and fell in love.”
My jaw dropped.
I couldn’t respond. I just sat there staring at my fiancé’s best friend, because when he said it I knew there were more feelings involved than he was leading on. Vince had come to depend on me. He appreciated me. He was going above and beyond to do things for me. I’d been blind up until now, not thinking either of us could look at each other that way. Now I sat across from him not even knowing how to reply, or what I could say to make anything less awkward. The damage was done. He’d put it out there, and I was too confused to muster up a response.
Chapter 22
After dinner I helped Vince wash the dishes.
We watched a movie, but I pretended that I didn’t hear what he’d said to me at dinner. Vince never brought it up, so neither did I. Then it was time to head up to bed. I stood to tell him good night and he did the same. We were a few feet from one another, but I’d been around men enough to know something was up. “I take it you don’t feel the same about me, Bails.”
How could I answer with him staring at me awaiting a specific reply? I needed time to think of a good way to let him down easy. I didn’t want to hurt Vince, but I loved Major. Inside of me was a child we’d made together. Vince had grown on me. I cared about him. In some ways I loved him, but it couldn’t be romantic. Even if I felt a spark between us, which I had a few times, I’d never act on it. I knew I was desperate to feel the touch of a man again. For seven months I’d slept alone in my bed. Vince reminded me so much of Major it would be easy to be with him to feel that connection. I wasn’t desperate to hop in bed with someone else. Truth be told, I might not ever be ready. My once in a lifetime love had come and gone, and it had been fantastic while it lasted. I wasn’t going to lead Vince on. He deserved to be loved completely.
“Vince, I can’t. What we have is special. You’re so important to me, more than I ever thought I’d admit, but I can’t take it to another level. It’s too soon for me. If I led you on in any way I apologize.”
“You didn’t,” he reassured me. “It’s not like that. I know it’s too soon. I wasn’t implying that we head upstairs and get it on. If you haven’t noticed you’re extremely pregnant with my best friend’s k
id. I’d never want to replace him. I feel connected to you, and I know it’s the same for you. We share a bond because of Major. I’m not saying we should be together, but if I had to pick anyone to spend the rest of my days with, I know you’d be perfect for the job. You see through me, Bails. You give me that. You make me feel things I’ve never experienced before. For the first time in my life I don’t want to have sex. You’ve shown me the importance of a real relationship. I’m not asking you to love me. It would be wrong to do that. I guess what I’m trying to say is I’d like to stay with you if you’ll let me. I want to help you raise Trey for as long as I’m able to. Life isn’t about the party for me anymore. It’s about having something to smile about when I take my last breath. It’s about feeling complete. You give me hope. No matter how afraid I am I know you’ll be there to pick me up. I’ve never had that, not with a woman. Look, I have no idea what the future holds for me. I don’t want your pity, but I also don’t want you to feel like you’re alone. Let me be with you. Let me love you, Bailey. You don’t have to love me back, but just tell me it’s okay to stay. Tell me I’m making sense, and you’re not going to kick me out.”
It shouldn’t have, but Vince made complete sense. I understood what he wanted from me, and it wasn’t a terrible scenario. I wouldn’t be alone. He’d help me, and be a good influence for Trey. I couldn’t believe I was considering it, but I was. What was so wrong with letting Vince experience love with me? He wasn’t asking for a physical relationship. He wanted the emotional connection. In so many ways we already had that, except instead of loving each other, we both loved Major. It was also important for me to understand that Vince had never been in love before. It was possible everything I’d done for him had led him to have real feelings for me. The longer we spent together the more it was likely. How could I look him in the eye and deny him that kind of happiness when all he wanted to do was be a part of my life?
I couldn’t. “I’m not going to kick you out. I’m not even going to tell you you’re crazy. Vince, it’s hard to be with someone every day and not develop feelings for them. You wanting to stay with me, here, helping to raise mine and Major’s son, it’s an offer I’d be a fool to refuse. I’d like you to stay for as long as you want. I trust that you’ll be good for us, and that we’ll remain friends forever.”
His face went from excited to disappointed. He didn’t know how sorry I was that I couldn’t give him more. “Yeah, I was hoping that someday you might want to be more, in time of course. I’m not asking for anything right now. I just assumed after some time it would happen on its own.”
“I can’t promise you something I don’t know. I won’t give you false hope or lead you on. You have become a dear friend to me. I hope you know how special you are.”
He reached forward and ran his hand over my cheek. “I do. I’m sorry if I made things weird between us. I’ve just been spending all this time with you lately, and the more we’re together the more I keep feeling like I might want to explore what it is I’m feeling.”
“Things aren’t weird. We’re cool.”
Vince looked away, and after a few minutes he finally replied. “I know I’ll never be him, Bailey. I’m okay knowing you’ll love him forever.”
I conjured up a smile. “I know you are. That’s why I think we need to not push this. I know I can’t give you my heart. I might not ever be able to give it to anyone else, even if it’s just a part of it. Major was that one love for me. He was my everything, and I’ll feel that way until the day I die.”
“I respect you even more for being true to him. You really were the best thing that ever happened to him.”
I reached out and grabbed Vince’s hand. “I’m going up to bed now. We’ll talk about this again, I promise.”
When I walked up the stairs I felt like we were in a good place. Vince’s feelings weren’t going to creep me out. The idea of him respecting me let me know he wouldn’t step out on me and the baby. If and when his health failed again, he could count on me to be by his side. We didn’t need a label for our relationship. It was unconventional, but it was going to work for us, for as long as it had to.
Chapter 23
Vicki came into the house looking around as if to see if I’d removed her son’s things.
Feeling complacent, she turned to greet me with a fast kiss on the cheek. I took it offensively, like she was sick to her stomach for pretending to be nice. I thought we’d cleared the air, but it was obviously still a bit foggy.
Since I’d sent Vince out grocery shopping and to fetch a few odds and ends at the hardware store, I knew he wouldn’t be home for a bit. It would give me time to assure Vicki we were living separately. To help the ruse, I moved some of my personal things down to Vince’s room, and his to mine, after he’d left the house of course. I wasn’t fully prepared to talk to him about anything else yet. Half the night before I laid awake thinking about our conversation and if I’d said the right thing. I was torn to keep Vince in good spirits while maintaining the sanctity of my faithfulness to Major alive. I wasn’t naïve to the fact that he was gone and not coming back. I knew we’d never exchanged vows. Still, my devotion to both God and Major were preventing me from taking things further. I wasn’t hoping for some kind of blessing from either, I just simply wanted to know without a doubt that I was being true to myself.
Without waiting for her to assume or simply ask, I led her into the downstairs bedroom. “I sleep down here or on the couch. Vince stays upstairs. Like I said before, we’re not together.”
Vicki sat down on the bed and folded her hands. She looked me right in the eyes. “He’s sick isn’t he? He looked terrible when I saw him. Tell me he’s okay. Tell me he drastically changed his appearance to create a new identity. Tell me he’s running from the law. I need to know. I deserve the truth, Bailey. I’ve loved that boy for a very long time. If he’s keeping something from me I want to know what it is.”
I had to look away. Did I tell her and break my promise to Vince, or value that when he was ready they’d all know? For a second I thought about the upcoming treatment regimen. He was going to be gone for a few weeks, and when he returned he’d look way worse. How would I be able to explain that?
I sat down beside her and touched her hand. “It’s not my place to explain it all to you. I made him a promise, and to be honest, I know he trusts me. I don’t want to lose that. If you want answers you’ll have to wait here and ask him yourself. For the record, we’re not together, not at all. Yes, we’ve gotten close. He’s changed. We share a connection to Major, and it’s easy to be around him. With the baby on the way I appreciate all the help he gives me. He wants to be around, and I won’t deny him that. We know how tradition works. He was always meant to be the baby’s Godfather. I can’t keep that from him just because things didn’t work out the way we wanted them to. I know Vince will love my son. I think he already does.”
She held hands with me and started crying. “I’m sorry. It’s hard thinking about you moving on with your life, but I know you have to. At some point you’ll meet someone else.”
“I’m not looking to get involved. I’m going to focus on being a mother to my child. I’ve had my one true love, mom. I couldn’t replace that, even if I wanted to, it will never happen.”
She sniffled before answering. “Don’t say never. Love happens when you least expect it.”
After our talk we headed into the kitchen to have lunch. I knew Vicki wasn’t going to leave until Vince came home. She was on a mission to learn his secret.
He whipped in the door with hands full of bags, using his foot to close it behind him. “Honey, I’m home,” he teased.
Vicki walked up and took a few bags, revealing she was still around. His face was priceless, and I’d expected him to retract his joke about calling me ‘honey’. Instead he stood there, staring and waiting for her to reprimand him. “Hey, mom. How’s it going?”
“You and I are going to talk as soon as we help put this stuff away.”
I watched as Vince’s shoulders sagged. He knew he couldn’t lie his way out of this one. He’d changed too much to assume she’d believe anything but the truth.
After assuring them I could finish, they retreated into the living room to have their heart to heart.
Every few minutes I wanted to go in and see if they were okay. I hadn’t heard yelling, that was obviously a good sign.
Finally they emerged, Vicki full of tears, Vince with a cocky smile on his face. He walked over and kissed me on the cheek, catching me off guard. “She gave us her blessing, babe.”
“Babe?” I flashed him an evil stare.
“He’s joking with you, Bailey. I know about the cancer. I know what you’ve done to help him.”
Vince placed his hands on my shoulders. “This woman is a saint.”
I rolled my eyes, but noticed Vicki nodding her head. “He’s right. What you’ve done for him is very noble. I know you didn’t always get along. Now, seeing the two of you, it’s like you’ve been friends forever. It warms my heart knowing he’s not alone.”
I spun around and looked at Vince confusingly. Had he told her he had feelings for me? Is that why she was crying?
Vicki changed the subject. “I want you both at dinner tomorrow. Vince has agreed not to hide anymore. I know about his treatment, and if there’s anything we can do to make it easier on you let me know. If you want me to drive him to the hospital Monday I can.”
Instantly I felt sad. I liked being the one to drop him off and wish him well. We’d gotten used to being together. “I’ve already taken off work. It’s not a big deal. We like to have breakfast at this one diner on the way. It’s kind of a new tradition.” I think it was the first lie I’d ever told her.
Happily Ever Never Page 14
