“I know you don’t feel the same, but I want you to know I love you, Bailey. Whatever happens, I want you to be with me for however long I have. If you can’t answer me it’s fine, but I’ll regret it if I didn’t at least tell you.”
“You’re going to get better. Stop worrying. God wouldn’t take you from us. We’ve already lost too much.” I heard him saying the words, but I chose to reassure him. I didn’t think I was ready for that kind of announcement. I didn’t think it was fair to say it and not know for sure.
Then Vince leaned over and kissed me goodbye. I could taste his tears on my lips as he pulled away. “I’ll call you tonight once I get settled. Behave yourself.”
He fetched his bag from the backseat and shut both doors. I let him get halfway to the building before I climbed out and rushed in his direction. I don’t even think he knew I was coming, he just turned to wave goodbye one last time and saw me approaching. “Wait! There’s something I need to say; something I can’t drive away from here without telling you.”
He placed both hands on my cheeks. “I’m okay, Bailey. You don’t need to.”
“No, I do, because the idea of you not knowing makes me feel horrible. Because I need you to know I’ll be waiting for your call every night. Because I want you in that room when this little boy comes into the world. Because I don’t want to be without you. Because you make me happy. I can keep going if you need me to.”
“I don’t want to take his place, Bails.”
“You won’t, but I think there’s room in my heart for both of you, if that makes sense. I don’t care how this came to be. I don’t care what everyone will say. I know how I feel when I’m with you; how it feels to be in your arms.”
“How does it feel?”
“Right.” I smiled and looked right at him. “It feels right, Vince.”
His arms wrapped around me and held me there for a few moments. “That’s all I needed to hear. I’ll beat this for you. I’m going to teach that kid everything he needs to know. We’ll be a team, and I’ll make sure he knows who his father is, and how he taught me to be a better man.”
“I’d like that.”
He kissed me lightly on the lips. “I know what I feel for you is real. I don’t want this to stay close to him. I want you for my own selfish reasons. Tell me, Bailey. Just say it one time. Close your eyes if you have to.”
“I don’t have to close my eyes. I think I need them open.” I smiled. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, especially to you, my once mortal enemy.”
Vince smiled and shook his head. “Yeah, you’ll never let me forget it.”
“I’m falling in love with you too. It scares me. I didn’t want it to happen.”
My admission didn’t offend him. “I know.”
“I can’t help it. I can’t stop it anymore.”
“I don’t want you to.”
“Please fight for this, Vince. I’ll give it my all when you come home. I swear I will.”
“I’ll call your cell so you have my room number. Make sure you let me know you got home safe. Don’t eat all the cookies. I’ll want some when I get home, no matter how nauseous I still am.”
“Okay.” This was it; the moment I was supposed to turn around and leave, yet I couldn’t. I was unable to let go of him. I clung to his body while crying against his chest. I never got to say goodbye to Major, and even though Vince was going in for a powerful treatment I knew the results could determine his future. In so many ways it could be the end of something that we never got to explore. The idea of watching him die would in turn kill me. This was another reason I never wanted to love another man again.
“Get your butt out of here before you birth that baby. We can finish this conversation later.”
“I’ll see you soon.” I backed away.
“Hurry. You’re making it harder for me.”
I turned and started walking at a faster pace, crying harder with each step. Another little piece of my heart was breaking. That’s how I knew I couldn’t fight the feelings any longer. If Vince made me happy I needed to embrace it.
I cried the whole ride home for a lot of reasons. The first was obvious. I feared for the week Vince was about to endure. I imagined what life would be like with him, and without. I thought about Major and how he’d asked Vince to take care of me. Was this what he meant? Even back then did Major know Vince would change and be someone I could depend on? It didn’t make much sense, but I still considered it.
By the time I arrived home there was a message from Vince with the number to his room. I looked around at the empty house and felt immediately alone. My hand rubbed my belly, reminding me I wasn’t. “It’s just you and me for a couple weeks, kiddo.”
I was exhausted from driving, so after putting on some comfy pajamas I climbed into bed and called Vince. It took him a few rings to answer. “Hello?”
“It’s me. I’m home safe.”
“I was hoping you were. We’re all prepped to start treatment this afternoon. I’ll probably be too tired to talk tonight, so if you call and I don’t answer just know I’m fine. I miss you already though. I’m not used to being such a pussy. Do you know how many times I made fun of Major for saying those kinds of things to you?”
I laughed against the receiver. “I remember.”
“I do though, miss you that is. I can’t stop thinking about what we talked about, and if you were just saying it to make me feel better, I don’t want to know. It worked.”
“I wasn’t.”
“I’m okay if we’re just friends, as long as you’re okay with me always wanting a little more.”
Hearing him say that made me keep smiling. “We’ll figure it all out when you get home.”
“I’ll be sick for a while. The last time kicked my ass, and I know this one is stronger. I’ll shave my head before you pick me up.”
“I can do it when you get here. I’ll be gentle.”
“I’d like that. Are you sure you won’t be freaked out if patches are already coming out?”
“Is it that quick?”
“It’s pretty steady after the first couple doses. Last time I shaved it all off when it started. I couldn’t stand watching it fall out. There was a time when I prided myself on having a nice mug.”
“You did have nice hair.”
“It will grow back. Then I’ll enjoy having your hands in it again.”
I imagined it happening. “It’s quiet here. I think I might take a nap. Trey was kicking me the whole ride home. He’s finally calmed down. I think he didn’t like that I was so upset.”
“Please tell me you didn’t cry the whole way home.”
“I didn’t want to leave. It was hard.” I wasn’t ashamed to admit it, not to him. I wanted him to know he was cared about, needed even.
“It is one week, two at the most. If I can handle the sickness at home you’ll be the first to know. Go take that nap. Call me tonight. If I don’t answer try back in the morning before work.”
“I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Vince. I meant what I said earlier. I just want you to know that.”
“Give Trey some hugs from me. I love you guys.”
When we hung up I realized I’d begun crying again. Between the hormones and the terrible luck I had in my love life, I didn’t know how I’d ever stop. Thankfully sleep came easy, giving me the much-needed break from reality my body needed.
Chapter 26
Vince didn’t come home for fifteen days.
During the week I hung out with Shawna and Nathan, and even played some cards at the Valero’s house a couple times. I’d spent both the weekends in Pennsylvania to be close to Vince. Since I was very pregnant the nurses brought in an adjustable bed for me to sleep comfortably. I had planned on checking into a hotel, but they’d insisted.
The group of medical staff who worked directly with Vince were very kind. Most knew the baby wasn’t his, but they didn’t treat me like I was a terrible person. Some even commented how
sweet it was that Vince and I were so close. It wasn’t like we were sleeping together. In time I’m sure it would happen, but I wasn’t in a hurry being so pregnant. I think it was also hard for Vince to picture. His cancer has caused him to lose both testicles. Even though in theory he still had working equipment, I think he feared it would be different. Even if he wasn’t able to perform I’d still want to be close to him. Neither of us came together because it was physical. Our relationship was emotional, which is probably why it was so intense.
When Vince finally did come home he’d lost sixteen more pounds. His eyes were sunken in, and I swear he looked like he was about to keel over. He’d been sick since his first treatment, even after the anti-nausea medication the doctor had prescribed. His hair, still short, was shedding in clumps already, so the first thing we did was break out the clippers. I sat him down in a chair in the kitchen and proceeded to shave it all off. I had to admit it was difficult considering my belly was constantly in the way. Vince kept stopping me when I was in front of him, leaning down and kissing my stomach. “Uncle Vince missed you,” he said against my bump.
Then he looked up into my eyes. We’d hugged, but nothing more since he’d been home. Nothing had changed, though I was too excited to have him home to get right into a deep conversation. “It’s good to be home.”
“Are you hungry?” I asked, even though I wasn’t done with his hair.
“Not for food.” He winced like he was in pain. “I should probably go lie down for a bit. The drive took a lot out of me.”
I placed the clippers on the side of the counter. “I can finish up later.”
“Would you like to join me?” He asked.
“Sure, just let me grab my pillow and change my shirt. I don’t want to be itchy.”
Vince got up and walked into his room, while I started making my way up the steps. The next thing I knew a gush of liquid was pouring out between my legs. I was only eight months pregnant. This couldn’t be happening yet.
I froze and screamed his name. “VINCE! HELP ME!”
One wouldn’t have suspected he was ill. Like a raving lunatic he was at my side, picking me up and helping me to the couch. He grabbed the house phone. “Do I call for an ambulance?”
“No. We need to call the doctor. It’s too soon.”
He helped me dial the number and sat next to me while I awaited a call back. Since I was so early the doctor wanted us to go to the hospital. Vince insisted on driving. Where I worried he’d fall asleep at the wheel or simply pass out, he remained focused, keeping me calm and reminding me he’d be there every step of the way.
“I’m scared, Vince. What if something’s wrong? I can’t lose him.”
“You’re not going to. Everything will be okay.”
He kept repeating those words as we were led to the maternity ward of the hospital. Once I was placed in a room, a nurse came in and prepped me for when the doctor would arrive. While she was busy putting an I.V. in my arm, Vince grabbed her attention. “She’s only thirty-four weeks along.”
“We’re aware, sir. The doctor will be here any minute to do an ultrasound.”
Like clockwork I saw my obstetrician coming into the room. He was already washed up, pulling his medical grade glove on the second hand. “Sorry it took so long. I was stuck in traffic.” Acting as if it was natural, he spread my legs and scooted his stool to be closer. I could feel him examining me, all the while waiting for the baby to move in my stomach. “Well well well, you seem to be sixty percent effaced.”
“Isn’t that bad?”
The nurse wheeled an ultrasound machine towards me and he prepped my stomach with the lubricant. I looked to Vince who watched nervously. I wasn’t afraid of him seeing parts of me I’d kept off limits. We were in this together, and I needed him, even if he had to close his eyes for some parts of it.
Flashing on the screen was my boy. He was pretty still in the womb, but his hands were moving around. His heart rate was strong and the doctor turned up the volume probably to put my mind at ease. He scooted over and let another tech do some measurements. They talked quietly for a minute before he turned to address me. “I know it’s early, but your little one wants to be born tonight. His vitals are stable. He’s not in any immediate danger, and as far as I can tell he’s already over four pounds. I’m going to keep you monitored and get a catheter put in. If you want an epidural I suggest we get it ordered soon. It looks like you’re going to have a fast delivery.”
Vince took my hand. It was all he was able to do for me as I came to grips with what was happening. I was bawling, fearing the worst for my unborn child. This was our last link to Major. If he came out having lung failure and passed away I don’t know if I’d be able to keep going.
As emotions overwhelmed me, Vince stayed at my side. He leaned over and kissed my head, whispering reassuring words every few seconds.
When the nurse installed the catheter, Vince stepped out to call Shawna and Vicki. Knowing they were on the way made me feel a little better until an extreme amount of pain came over me all at once. I tensed up and tried to count until it faded away. The doctor came in when he heard me screaming in agony. He lifted my gown and checked me again. “We don’t have time for the epidural. The baby is crowning already.”
“What? Already? Doesn’t this last hours?” I had a ton of books next to my bedside table that I’d only skimmed over. Thinking I could relax once Vince was home, I’d procrastinated too long.
“Not all the time.”
My mind went into a frenzy thinking of all the things that could go wrong during an early labor. Every few minutes the pain became excruciating. I’d squeeze as hard as I could on Vince’s hand. He’d wince and keep reassuring it was going to be fine. I don’t know how long it went on until my need to push was too urgent. I couldn’t hold out and wait for my female resources to show up. This baby was coming.
The doctor began counting as another nurse hurried into the room pushing a neonatal cart. They were prepared for my little bundle, ready to do whatever was necessary to make sure he made it.
Vince was my only constant. He kept cheering me on, making sure I focused on his voice and my breathing. With each push I felt like my insides were coming out. How women birth full-term babies is beyond me. I literally felt like I was going to die. At certain points the pain was so unbearable that my ears began ringing and I felt like I was going deaf.
After my fifth push I was ready to give up. I’d tried my hardest, but it wasn’t good enough. Little Trey seemed to be stuck and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t conjure up enough energy to push him out. Then, Vince caught my attention. “You can do this, Bails. Little Major wants to meet you. Come on, try one more time.”
Since the day of his conception I’d been through one hell of a journey. I’d lost myself in the pain of watching his father die in front of me. It haunted me until I didn’t want to exist. Then, out of that darkness came hope. My pregnancy had lifted my spirits and given me a reason to get up off the floor and live again. The last piece to my puzzle came later, when I wasn’t looking for it. As he clung to my hand I pushed with all my might, feeling my baby sliding out and being born. In that moment I heard him crying, and my life was complete again.
Vince was crying, never taking his eyes off of the baby, while I struggled to see through my own sobs. The baby was small, but he definitely had a nice set of lungs. He wailed even as they cleaned out his throat and started hooking him up to monitors.
The doctor still kept working to deliver my afterbirth and stitch me up, though I never took my eyes off my child. My mother instinct had kicked in. I just wanted to hear them say it. I needed to know he was going to be okay before I could look away. If it was too early; if he wouldn’t make it, I didn’t want to miss a single second.
Then, as if a miracle happened, the nurse brought him over, wrapped like a little burrito. “Here he is. Congratulations.”
“He’s okay?” I asked while feeling him being sat on my
chest.
“He’ll need to be monitored tonight. His lungs sound well developed, but we’ll give him a high dose of vitamins to promote growth. He weighs four pounds and three ounces.”
I couldn’t take my eyes off him. Little Major had long wrinkled fingers. His lips were puckered up and his little eyes were wide open. There was dark hair all over his head and when he yawned, a little area on each side of his cheeks dented in.
His father’s dimples.
I lost it. I held my son in my arms and bawled. Major would never see this. He’d never experience this little guy. He’d never be there to hold him and teach him how to be man, but Vince would. When my lids finally opened I turned in his direction. He had his hand on Trey’s body and was looking right at him with tear-filled eyes. Though still very weak, he’d been my hero, getting me to the hospital and guiding me through a labor that was entirely too fast. When he finally looked over at me I was smiling. “You did it, mama. He’s awesome.”
“We did it, Vince. We did it together.”
He leaned over and kissed me on the head. “I just wish Major was here to see him. Parts of it terrified me, but it was something I’ll never forget. Thank you for letting me be a part of this, and for allowing me to be his uncle. I promise you I won’t let him down.”
“What about me? Will you let me down?”
He rubbed the hair away from my face and kissed me again. “Never.”
Neither of us noticed that Shawna and Vicki had arrived. From the looks on their faces they were in shock, and I don’t exactly think it was because I’d already given birth. They’d caught us in a moment we couldn’t talk our way out of. To be honest, I didn’t have the energy to try to cover it up. Major was my past, but Vince was my present, and possibly my future. It was my choice to make; my decision to live with.
Happily Ever Never Page 16
