by Bob Zmuda
(Production note: Remind me to hire the Mormon Tabernacle Choir to sing Handel’s “Hallelujah” chorus. Also get a “flying rig” so I can lower Kaufman down from the ceiling while they sing.)
***
So what traumatizing experience in Andy’s past would trigger such behavior as to fake his death? I believe it was the death of his favorite grandfather, Papu, when he was a little boy. In that case, his parents faked his grandfather’s death also. Let me explain. Before Andy would lock himself in his room and start talking to the walls (which would be unnerving to any parent), he appeared to be a normal young boy. He had a grandfather and they simply adored each other. Papu and Andy would sing songs together, play games, and just have a great time. And then one day the grandfather stopped coming around. Little Andy waited and waited. Every day, he’d stand by the window looking out. But Papu never, ever showed his face again. Andy asked his parents, “Where is he?” And here is where Stanley and Janice confess they made a horrible mistake. The grandfather had died, but they couldn’t tell Andy as they thought it would break his heart. So instead, they lied and told him he went away to another country far, far across the ocean and wasn’t coming back. Andy was greatly saddened that his grandfather left him without even saying goodbye and hurt that he wouldn’t even write to him. It was only then that Andy started sequestering himself in his room, keeping the “real world” out. Years later, his parents told him the truth, but by then the damage had already been done. The idea that death itself could be manipulated in such a fashion was never lost on him. After all, didn’t Andy’s parents fake that the grandfather was still alive by not telling Andy the truth? It was here where I believe Andy would develop the concept of “bending reality” to suit his needs. If his parents could fake his grandfather’s not dying, Andy would just fake himself dying. I’m no Sherlock Holmes, but if there was ever an example of “deductive reasoning,” this is it. Kaufman’s coming back. I’d stake my reputation on it.
***
Andy had literally a laundry list of so-called “mental disorders” as diagnosed by three leading psychiatrists.* I hesitate to categorize these psychological conditions as “disorders” because in Andy’s case he successfully integrated them into his act and publicity campaigns, reaping the benefits of fame and fortune by doing so. These “disorders” would become the very clay he used to mold his sculptures of performance art, where he himself would be both sculptor and sculpture. There are many who believe that he may have been our first performance artist. It is comforting to know that today he is recognized as an important artist whose influence has been felt worldwide.
1.Dissociative identity disorder, formerly referred to as multiple personality disorder
“The essential feature of this disorder is the presence of two or more distinct identities or personality states. Each personality state may be experienced as if it has a distinct personal history, self image, and identity, including a separate name.”
The obvious example would be his alter-ego, lounge singer Tony Clifton. Clifton had his own friends, wardrobe, even car. Whereas Andy was a strict vegetarian health nut, non-smoker, and teetotaler, Clifton consumed steaks (rare), chain smoked, and gulped down Jack Daniel’s as if there was no tomorrow.
2.Obsessive-compulsive disorder
His classic routines rarely varied. Watch his Foreign-Man-Becomes-Elvis routine, a beat-for-beat pattern, every utterance and gesture duplicated time and time again with unerring precision. His compulsive washing of his hands, often dozens of times a day. He was always compelled to say goodbye to a hotel room in which he had stayed every time he checked out. After exiting his car and locking it, he walked around it exactly three times to make sure the doors were in fact locked. On visiting his home you were required to remove your shoes. Andy carefully washed his silverware at restaurants before using it. Into his water glass he dunked each implement one at a time, then took it out and dried it with his napkin. He made sure that no clothing, with the exception of night clothing, ever came in contact with his bedding. One of his oddest eccentricities related to air travel. Whenever Andy boarded a plane, he did so with his right foot first, and as his traveling companion you were required to follow suit. If you were walking down the street with him and passed a light pole or some other hazard, it was mandatory you both did so on the same side. If you split up and walked on either side, he’d make you return so you could both run through it again and get it right.
Lynne
We had discussions about splitting up and walking around something. If it wasn’t practical to go back and correct it, saying, “Bread and butter” would suffice to negate the bad luck. When in New York, we had to come to the agreement that people didn’t count; it’s impossible to walk in New York and not be separated by people. I was content with this, but Andy later admitted that he still said, “Bread and butter” silently whenever someone walked between us! Another one of his obsessions was when he put the key in the lock to open his front door. When we were first together, I couldn’t help but notice that he had to wiggle his front door key a lot to get the door open. I told him he could easily get that fixed, but then he admitted that what he was doing was wiggling the key a certain number of times before he opened the door. If I said something that distracted him, he had to start all over. I learned to keep my mouth shut while he was unlocking the door! Same with meditating: his meditation program should have lasted about an hour but if he fell asleep during meditation (which he often did) he would start over and sometimes his meditation could take hours. And this was twice a day!
3.Sexual masochism
“Involves the act (real, not simulated) of being humiliated, beaten, bound, or otherwise made to suffer. Some males with sexual masochism also have sexual sadism. Masochistic sexual fantasies are likely to have been present in childhood. Sexual masochism is usually chronic, and the person tends to repeat the same masochistic act.”
I believe Andy’s first encounter with masochism in the form of “humiliation” was when he believed his beloved grandfather Papu had walked out on him. He would learn to repeat, if not welcome, this humiliation throughout his entire life both onstage and off.
4.Sexual sadism
“Involves acts in which the individual derives sexual excitement from the psychological or physical suffering (including humiliation) of the victim. In such cases the sadistic fantasies usually involve having complete control over the victim.”
This would account for Andy’s sexual mate having to remain totally immobile during the sex act, as Lynne and others attest.
Lynne
He said that it was because it reminded him of his first sexual encounter, which was with a Jayne Mansfield-shaped hot-water bottle when he was a kid. He would lie on top of the bottle and rub it until he came to climax. Dr. Zmudee recounted this phenomenon in his book, Andy Kaufman Revealed! “Frottage.” But even if that were the reason, why hang on so obsessively to such an impulse? And he would tell me (and any other woman) that he wanted me to “play dead” while we had sex. Just like the doll.
Forcing an audience to sit perfectly still while he read The Great Gatsby in its entirety, along with his wrestling positions, which would “immobilize” his opponent, are two key examples of this behavior.
5.Anti-social personality disorder
“The essential features of this disorder include not liking rules, hating authority, and getting what one wants by manipulating others.”
While the trade of your average comedian is to point out the idiosyncrasies and quirks of society, Kaufman delves deeper into these disorders not often associated with lighthearted comedic fodder. It’s dark, it’s different, it’s punk, it’s Kaufmanesque, and soon it would not be tolerated in a medium such as television, which was designed to sedate, not agitate. Ebersol/Michaels must take full responsibility for bringing the “monster” into the laboratory (SNL) and giving him life (exposure on national TV). When the creature ultimately became uncontrollable and dangerous, some w
ould say Ebersol had the good sense to pull the plug and try to warn the villagers, but not before the “monster” had ravaged the countryside.
***
What I know of Andy I saw with my own two eyes from 1974 to 1984. Ten years. Still, I am intrigued when I hear about the Andy that people knew before that time. Remember, when I met him, although he wasn’t a television star yet, he was already a successful cabaret act in New York City. Anyone who had his pulse on the NYC club scene knew Andy was a force to be reckoned with. And he knew it too. He was experiencing success for the first time in his adult life.
But I’m told by friends of his that just a few years earlier, around 1969, he was still terribly shy and introverted. Prudence Farrow (made famous by the Beatles song “Dear Prudence,” and Mia’s sister) was one of his TM instructors in Cambridge at the time. She said he would get tongue-tied when he tried to speak to her. Painfully shy. She and other friends of his worried terribly about him, realizing he had no skills whatsoever and that they couldn’t see him working at any kind of job. Most of them are still in shock to this day that he became as successful as he did, as they all feared he actually would have become a street nut. Of course he believed that it was the TM that gave him the confidence to perform in front of people, and he kept it up religiously even after the movement gave him the boot.
* All quoted materials that follow were found in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition.
CHAPTER 5
Andy’s Secret
“Andy came into my office the day that John Belushi died and he was very upset. He said, ‘John Belushi is pulling my stunt, faking his death.’ He actually believed for a while that Belushi had done it. He spoke to me numerous times about faking his death. ‘Could you imagine how this is going to blow everyone’s mind?’ He cherished making headlines, the bigger the better. And nothing will be bigger than his return.”
– GEORGE SHAPIRO
Ring …
B: Andy, it’s Bob. So who else did you tell?
A: Tell about what?
B: You know what I’m talking about.
A: No one.
B: Are you sure?
A: Maybe Mimi Lambert.
B: Maybe?
A: OK, I did. I told Mimi.
B: Who’s Mimi Lambert?
A: You remember Mimi. She’s the girl I wrestled on SNL.
B: Oh, yeah. She was hot. What did you tell her? [Silence.] Andy?
A: I told her I was going to fake my death by making people believe I had terminal cancer.
B: Jesus!
A: I know. I shouldn’t have done it.
B: Damn right you shouldn’t have done it! If you keep telling people, you might as well call the whole thing off. It might even be too late already.
A: Don’t worry. It will all work out in the long run.
B: What did she say?
A: She thought it was disgusting and if I ever brought it up again, she’d never talk to me.
B: That’s why you can’t tell people about it. Some people really get wigged out when you start fucking with death. It’s so terrifying to them that they think it’s taboo to even joke about it.
A: I know. That’s why I like the Mexicans. They throw big parties for the dead the day after Halloween.
B: Yeah. Day of the Dead. November 1. They play music, dance on the graves, eat tamales, drink tequila, even fuck right on the graves!
Courtesy of Comic Relief Archives
Andy and Bob searching for wrestling matches on TV.
Courtesy of Comic Relief Archives
Andy manhandling a mannequin.
Courtesy of Comic Relief Archives
Bob and Andy’s father, Stanley Kaufman.
Courtesy of Comic Relief Archives
Bob cracking up basketball great Michael Jordan at a Comic Relief event.
Courtesy of Comic Relief Archives
Bob and Andy’s daughter, Maria Bellu-Colonna. She has Andy’s eyes.
Bob introducing Willie Nelson and his sister to President Clinton, Vice-President Gore, and his wife, Tipper.
Courtesy of Comic Relief Archives
Bob Zmuda, Billy Crystal, Senator Ted Kennedy, Whoopi Goldberg, and Robin Williams backstage at Comic Relief.
Courtesy of Comic Relief Archives
Billy Crystal, Bob Zmuda, Whoopi Goldberg, and Robin Williams. Together they have raised over 80 million dollars for Comic Relief.
Courtesy of Comic Relief Archives
Bob Zmuda and Judd Apatow. Judd’s first paying job in showbiz was for Comic Relief.
Courtesy of Craig T. Mathew/Mathew Imaging
Bob Zmuda receiving his first Emmy for mounting Comic Relief.
Courtesy of Comic Relief Archives
Jim Carrey with Bob and Lauren Holly. Oddly, Jim has the same birthday as Andy Kaufman, January 17th.
Courtesy of Comic Relief Archives
Paul Giamatti as Tony Clifton, Danny DeVito, and Jim Carrey. Notice Jim is wearing a neck brace.
Courtesy of Comic Relief Archives
Hugh Hefner and Tony Clifton singing together. Hef thinks it’s Jim Carrey under the makeup. It’s really Zmuda.
Courtesy of Comic Relief Archives
Jim Carrey as Norman Bates’s mother sits with axe to the ready in front of the “Psycho” house.
Courtesy of Comic Relief Archives
Bob Zmuda, Jim Carrey, and Paul Giamatti as Clifton on the set of Man on the Moon.
Courtesy of Comic Relief Archives
Paul Giamatti as Clifton with Jim Carrey as Andy Kaufman.
Courtesy of Comic Relief Archives
Michael Stipe of R.E.M. singing with Tony Clifton to a sold-out audience at the famous Hollywood Bowl.
Courtesy of Comic Relief Archives
Moments later, Clifton goes berserk and has to be bodily removed by security.
Courtesy of Ryan Chavez (@RyansPOV)
Tony Clifton performing in front of 30,000 fans at the Hangout Festival.
Tony Clifton’s classic 8x10.
Courtesy of Comic Relief Archives
Bob Zmuda with a Kenya Wildlife Service Ranger and an orphaned elephant, whose mother was killed by poachers. (Funds raised by Andy’s return will go to helping such animals.)
Courtesy of Mary Fitzpatrick
Bob Zmuda shaking hands with Jeff the dog in New Orleans. Comic Relief’s support helped save many of New Orleans’ historic “shotgun” houses, which were damaged by Hurricane Katrina, along with displaced pets.
Courtesy of Lynne Margulies Osgood
Lynne Margulies and Andy editing I’m From Hollywood, which Lynne co-directed with Johnny Legend.
Courtesy of Comic Relief Archives
Bob Zmuda and Andy Kaufman on “Uncle Andy’s Funhouse.”
Courtesy of Comic Relief Archives
Bob and Andy causing havoc on a local kids’ show.
Courtesy of Johnny Legend
Bob and Andy having fun in Johnny Legend’s classic “Breakfast with Blassie.”
Courtesy of Comic Relief Archives
Andy and Bob.
Courtesy of Comic Relief Archives
Tony Clifton on David Letterman. During the commercial break, Letterman turned to Tony and said, “Andy, if I didn’t know it was you, I’d swear it was somebody else.” It was somebody else. It was Zmuda.
Courtesy of Comic Relief Archives
Tony Clifton interviewing Bob Gorski (Zmuda).
Courtesy of Comic Relief Archives
Tony, not liking what he hears, pours water over Bob Gorski (Zmuda).
Courtesy of Comic Relief Archives
Andy with Bob playing his sleazy lawyer.
Courtesy of Lynne Margulies Osgood
The Maharishi, who gave Andy the secret of how to fake his death: “Timing.”
Courtesy of Lynne Margulies Osgood
Andy with the love of his life, Lynne Margulies.
Lynne Margulies and Andy. Notice the smile o
n Andy’s face. He’s with his “soul mate.”
Courtesy of William Knoedelseder
Tony Clifton on the set of Taxi drunk with two hookers. Judd Hirsch pleads with him to leave.
Courtesy of William Knoedelseder
Tony Clifton being thrown off the Paramount lot by security.
Courtesy of Lynne Margulies Osgood
Fake surgeon. Fake blood. And fake cancer patient (Andy). This picture, taken in the Philippines, was leaked to the National Enquirer to fool the American public into thinking Andy was dying.
Courtesy of William Knoedelseder
Lynne and Andy in the Philippines.
Courtesy of Comic Relief Archives
Zmuda and Andy, together on stage at their historic concert where they took the entire audience out on buses for milk and cookies. Is Bob also producing Kaufman’s return?
Courtesy of Wayne Williams 2003, WayneWilliamsStudio.com
Tony Clifton with two bombshells. Clifton had sex with the brunette, porn star Chasey Lain, fifteen minutes after this photo was taken. Tony said, “She was good. I was better.”
Zmuda is transformed into Tony Clifton through the use of prosthetics, the same procedure Kaufman used on his body double to fake his death.
(Makeup by Gabe Bartalos)
A: When I was a teenager, me and my friends used to jump the fence of the cemetery at night and drink till dawn.
