Fear of losing her, losing the beauty of what it was like to be with her, took over what felt like every cell of his being.
“Carrie?” he spoke out loud, and she turned to look at him. “Come with me.”
Chapter Seventeen
Carrie
Come with me, he asked her in the truck, and when she didn’t say anything, he shook his head and started the engine. They were both silent, lost in their own thoughts, as he drove them back home. Not home, his cabin, she scolded herself. The truck stopped and she looked up from her hands, her heart aching. They were back. She felt his hand over hers. When she pulled it away and got out of the truck without another word, she could see the hurt in his eyes.
Could she go with him? No. That was crazy. She followed him as he opened the door to the warm cabin. All the images of them playing house and letting herself fall in love bombarded her and she pressed her lips together to get a hold of herself.
“Come with me, “ he said again as he stood behind her. She turned to look at him as he closed the door. She frowned so deeply that her forehead was starting to hurt. Not as much as my heart, she thought to herself.
“Go with you?” she asked, her heart thundering in her chest. Go with him? Is he insane?
“Why not?” he asked like it was no big deal. Her eye twitched.
“Why not?” she asked, trying not to wince at the shrill tone of her voice.
“Yeah, baby—“
“Don’t call me baby when you are trying to talk me into something this crazy!” she exclaimed, trying hard not to lose her head over this.
“It’s not really crazy, Carrie.” He pulled his hands through his hair, his frustration clear.
“You’re asking me to go to Japan with you. A whole other country!”
“I am. I am totally asking you to—“
“For how long?” she asked, her eyes wide as she stared at him, her heart beating double time in her chest. Am I really contemplating this?
“I told you, more or less a year.“
“And after a year, we would what? Just come back? Come back home?” she asked. Yeah, she was really contemplating this. She wanted to giggle. A year was nothing. She could have an adventure. They could do this.
“It would depend on the program and if we sold it somewhere else,” he answered. She stilled. What did that mean?
“What does that even mean? What could happen if you sold it somewhere else?” she asked, not hiding the emotion in her voice.
“Europe, maybe.”
“And you want me to what? Just follow you around? Flitting and floating from country to country?” All the giddy hope quickly diminished into a pile of ashes, knowing she couldn’t do that. She was done with wandering around. A year of adventure was one thing.
“I don’t know. I don’t have those answers for you right now,” he told her, honesty and sadness reflecting at her.
“You can see why that wouldn’t work for me, right?”
“Why not?” he asked with hope in his eyes, and Carrie hated that she was going to have to burst his bubble.
“What about a job for one thing?”
“I can take care—“ Oh, hell, no! He was not going there!
“I’m not that kind of woman, Joel.”
“What kind, baby?”
“To be maintained.”
“I wasn’t saying you—“
“I love teaching.” She sighed and stepped back from him, deeper into the living room, and even though it only added a foot between them, the distance suddenly felt like an ocean.
“You could teach in Japan!”
“For how long?”
“I don’t know.” He sighed, his hands on his head. Her heart hurt.
The realization of what was going on suddenly weighed so heavily on her that her knees felt limp. She had just met the most amazing man, someone she had let into her heart, and he was going to leave her. Everyone leaves, a voice inside her whispered. She couldn’t shake it off.
Why did it feel like everyone could walk away from her so easily? Her parents, the people who were supposed to care the most, walked away without a second glance back the minute they were legally unbound from her. Now Joel. Tears threatened and she took a deep breath to stop them, but she couldn’t. So she turned away from him, her eyes pinned on the fireplace, her heart aching.
“You leave Monday?” she clarified. Her heart hurt with every slow beat, while her mind filled with too much, but mostly that she hated she was too much of a coward to look at him.
“Monday night.” Monday night. Two days and he would be gone. Wiping away the rogue tears rolling down her face, she pasted a smile on her face. They still had time. Two days. She had to be back Monday anyhow.
“Carrie, we can—”
“We can keep enjoying the time we have,” she told him, the smile on her face faker than a three-dollar bill.
“Come with me,” he suggested again, and again she wanted to throw caution to the wind and say yes. But she couldn’t. Could she?
“Joel…” she started to say, but she didn’t have the words. Could she just say yes? Let herself fall and hope he would be there to catch her? Could this work between them?
“Don’t answer. Not yet. Like you said, we still have time.”
“We do.”
“We could fly back to LA instead of drive.”
“But your truck—“
“My mom can watch it for me.” She could see how serious he was. “Nick’s assistant is going to email me my itinerary, but more than likely I’ll be flying out Monday night from LAX.”
“Okay.“
“I’m going to get you a ticket.“ Her eyes widened knowing what a ticket cost.
“Are you insane? I don’t think—“
“Don’t think.” He grabbed her and placed his forehead on hers. She sniffled. “Don’t think, Carrie. Just take a chance.”
“I…”
“Look, we can talk about this later.”
“Later?” Later than what?
“Later. We have a reservation at The Cove,” he reminded her, and she stepped away from him.
“Screw the reservation!” she blurted. He wanted to sweep the fact he was leaving in just a matter of days to a whole other country for who knew how long under the rug? She couldn’t do that. She needed to have a game plan. A map of where she was going, what she was going to be doing.
“Care—“
“I don’t think we should prolong what we both know is about to happen.” Her heart thundered in her ears. They were seconds from ending. Ending whatever beautiful bubble they’d put themselves in. Reality had popped.
“What is that supposed to mean?” He frowned.
“It means that as much as I love the world’s longest first date, it just ended.” The words had a bitter taste as she spoke, but it was better this way. Be the one to get out first.
“Just like that?”
“Yes.”
“You love me,” he reminded her, gritting his teeth. She swallowed. Her eyes were pinned on him. She had no idea how the hell any of this happened. How could she have fallen in love and get what now seemed to be her heart broken inevitably in such a small-time span? It made her head spin it had all happened so fast, but she had no doubt it was real.
“I do.” She wouldn’t lie. Not to him or herself. But she loved him in a way where she wanted nothing but the best for him. She wanted him to be happy. She wanted the best for him. This deal and opportunity was it.
“I love you,” he told her. She didn’t even try to block the beautiful feelings those three words uttered by him made her feel.
“I know,” she whispered as she stared at him, her heart aching at the pain in his eyes, and wondered if he could see the pain she felt.
“Then why is it that I asked you to go, but you didn’t ask me to stay?”
“Joel—“ She wanted to, but she couldn’t. This meant a lot to him and his career.
“We should pack up and head ou
t,” he said then, and even though they were the same words she was about to suggest, they felt like a blow to her gut. One that left her breathless. The only thing she could do was nod her head before she went to get her things packed up.
***
“Has she said anything?” Lucy whispered as she stroked the top of Carrie’s hair while Carrie pretended to sleep.
“Nope,” Tess muttered. “And I know you’re awake.”
Their nine-hour road trip back home was thankfully—or unfortunately, depending on how you looked at it—cut short since he had them take a flight back from the Tahoe airport that was only about an hour away from Hope Falls. From there, a car service had picked them up.
Separately.
With a kiss on the cheek, he’d said good-bye, wishing her nothing but the best, before he made sure she slipped into the back seat of the car. Wordlessly, too overcome with emotion, she couldn’t get herself to say good-bye to him. Hell, she hadn’t uttered one word to him. She had turned her head, watching, her eyes on him, until he disappeared out of sight, lost in the many cars and people at the airport. Her heart had shamelessly stayed with him.
“I am,” she mumbled.
Instead of having the car service take her home, she’d had it take her straight to Tess’ place. She didn’t know why, but she did, and when Tess had opened the door, the light and warmth of her home had made Carrie break down, leaving her sobbing into a very startled Tess’ arms. Without a word, Tess had brought her in, had her younger sister go into her room and settled Carrie on the couch, holding her through her sobs until she had worn herself out. Tess’ murmured call to the girls had been faint as she had let herself drift off to dreams of Joel and her in the cabin.
“I’m sorry I just—”
“Lost it?” Tess cut her off, and she nodded.
“What happened?” Lucy asked, her eyes full of concern. “Did he get fresh with you? Do you need me to get Matt to go kick his—“
“Fresh? Jesus, Luce, what is this, the fifties?” Tess shook her head, while Carrie sniffled and sat up only to cuddle her head onto Lucy’s delicate shoulder.
“He didn’t,” she whispered and sat up straighter.
“Then tell us what the hell is going on.” Liz spoke up from the couch across from the one they were sitting on. “This isn’t you, Carrie. Never have you ever just broken down like this.”
“It’s nothing—“ she started to lie, but Lucy’s hand covered her own and she looked around.
She felt her friends’, no, her sisters’ eyes on her. Each woman was more than concerned and worried for her because they loved her. They loved her, like Joel loved her. The thought made the last bit of the dam around her heart break, and she shared.
She told them about all of it. From beginning to end. She didn’t spare a moment of Joel and her story. From the beginning, when she had bumped into him at school, to the very end of him asking her to go with him, to leaving alone from the airport. The tears had flowed, not only from her own eyes but those of her friends, and somehow that gave her the strength to keep sharing. Telling them how she had fallen in love, real love, for the first time, and she had lost it. Lost him.
“Why?” Lucy asked with a sniffle.
“Why what?” Carried asked on a frown.
“Why do you have to lose him?” Liz asked.
“He’s leaving,” Tess pointed out, and Lucy shrugged.
“And? He asked her to go with him.”
“She can’t just follow him,” Tess said what Carrie had been thinking, though following Joel sounded pretty good.
“Why not?” Lucy asked.
“Do you wanna get rid of me, Luce?” Carrie teased, wondering what the hell Lucy’s point was.
“Not one bit. You know I love you. You guys are my sisters. But, Care Bear, it’s a year.”
“It could be longer.
“Yeah, it could or it could not. For all you know, this could be a six-month gig and both of you would be back before the summer ends.”
“I just—“
“The thing is, he could also be the one,” Lucy pointed out, and Carrie spoke without thinking.
“He is the one.”
“Okay, I know I’m going to sound like a cynic, but you just met him. Are you sure—“ Tess started, but Carrie had to cut her off.
“I am.” Her heart was beating furiously as she turned to look at Tess. “He’s my one.”
“That’s crazy!” Tess blurted, her eyes wide.
“It’s not,” Liz piped up, and the three turned to look at Liz, who had now moved to sitting on the coffee table in front of them. “I get it. I felt the same way with Park. It was crazy fast, maybe not as fast as you two,”—she joked, raising her shoulder— “but I get it.”
“Maybe the sex was just that great and it’s making your mind fog up, thinking—“ Tess started in again.
“It’s not. I mean, the sex is amazing, but it’s more than that.” It was.
“Then I think you just solved your own problem,” Tess surprised her by saying, smiling at her. She looked around at her girls and realized she had. She knew what she had to do.
“I did, didn’t I?”
“Yup.” “Oh Yeah.” “Yes,” were said out loud as she looked at her girls.
“Okay, but…”
“What?”
“What about you guys?”
“We’ll still be here. Always.”
“Yes! Sheesh, you think a little trip to Japan is going to change anything, you’re nuts,” Lucy uttered.
“I love you guys.”
“We love you!” Tess told her, and she knew the other two were nodding their heads.
“I have to get home and pack!” She giggled hoping that Joel hadn’t changed his mind.
“We’ll help!” Lucy chimed in and gave her a hug, while the other two each held her hand in a tight grip.
Chapter Eighteen
Joel
Sunday came and gone too quickly. All without a word from Carrie. Everything hurt inside of him, but he kept moving forward, thankful for Nick’s assistant having taken control of everything. Most of his things had been packed and stored safely away in a storage unit by a moving company, so he could rent out his house while he was gone. Even with the whirlwind day of activities to make sure he was ready to go, she was never far from his mind; every few minutes, he would pick up his phone, tempted to call her, to beg her to think about it, but he didn’t. What he did do was ask Wanda to buy the seat next to him on the plane under Carrie’s name. Just in case she changed her mind. He knew it would probably end up being a waste of money, a financial loss, but he had to take the risk. Just in case.
Looking at the empty house, a duffle bag over his shoulder, his suitcases already in the awaiting town car that Nick insisted on him taking, he didn’t feel the loss he had when he’d locked up the cabin. How was it that small place up in the mountains had felt more like home than where he had spent most his time the last ten years? Carrie, a voice whispered, and he swallowed hard, taking his phone out of his pocket to open the album that held their pictures.
Bright blue eyes sparkled at him through the image. Her bright smile made him smile and ache. He’d been without her for less than two days, yet it felt like a year. He looked around with a frown and wondered, how the hell was he going to manage a year away? The thought of talking to Nick, asking him to find a way where he didn’t have to do this popped into his head again and not for the first time. He could do it. He would lose all and any credit of creating the program, but he would be able to stay and maybe talk Carrie into giving him another chance. He could always create other programs.
“Don’t even think about it,” Nick’s voice rang out, and Joel turned to look at his friend.
“Think about what?”
“Staying.”
“How did you—“ His brows drew together when Nick chuckled.
“I know you.”
“I love her.” He wasn’t going to pretend otherwise.
He didn’t give a shit if it made him look weak in his friend and boss’ eyes.
“I can see that,” Nick muttered. “You ask her to go with you?”
“What do you think?” he asked, pissed at himself and the situation he was in.
“You could come back in a month or so,” Nick suggested. “Give her some time to think, give yourself some time to see if what you feel is—“
“It’s real, Nick.”
“Yeah?”
“She’s it.”
“I shouldn’t tell you this,” Nick groaned, “but you should head to the airport.”
“Why?”
“I got a call from Tess. Before you do something stupid, like not go, I think you should go to the airport,” Nick told him vaguely. His heart picked up as hope bloomed, and with a nod and not one single look back, he locked up his home.
***
Traffic was shit; the mind-numbing bumper-to-bumper traffic that never got to him frayed his nerves today. The line to check in his bags was longer than he had the patience to deal with, and to top of it off, the guy at the TSA check point annoyed him to hell and back. But it was all worth it the moment he reached his gate and saw her. In her blue coat, her cute grey floppy beanie in hand, the other on her shoulder holding a black carry-on bag, she stood there, a worried look on her face as she gazed around the large number of people. Looking for him. He tried to catch his breath, hope shining brightly inside of him.
She was here. His girl. His beautiful, strong, brave girl was here.
Looking for him.
Taking a chance on them, no matter how crazy what they felt was. How crazy everyone around them told them it was.
He took a step forward then stopped. When their eyes met across the space, they both stilled. He could feel his heart beating in his damn ears. She broke their stare, taking that first step, and he followed suit, each of them closing the space between them, one stride at a time until they stood right in front of one another.
“Hi,” she whispered so softly he wondered if he had imagined it
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