by Tessa Teevan
Nodding, I agree. “I think you’re right. I’m sorry you had to hear me telling Knox all of that, but to be completely honest, I’ve never loved anyone the way I love him. That doesn’t mean that I don’t cherish the time we spent together, and I’ll always have fond memories of you. I did love you, Drew. I really did. I just don’t think it was in the right way.”
“I can understand that. I won’t lie. It was a shot in the heart hearing your confession, but deep down I know you’re right.” His hand comes up to stroke my cheek. “I’m so sorry for fucking everything up. Do you think in the future we could at least be friends?”
God damn my emotions, but I tear up at his words. “I’d like that, Drew. I really would. And I hope that you find someone who’s enough for you, someone you’d go to the ends of the earth for. You’re a good guy, and you deserve to be happy.”
“I don’t know if I’ll ever get over fucking this one up so badly, but I’m glad you’re happy. I’ll always love you, Charlotte.” He leans down, surprising me when he kisses me on the lips—a soft, gentle one.
I’m shocked that his lips are on mine, and I have a mental freak-out, not knowing what to do. Deciding against confrontation, I press a quick peck against them before pulling away. Smiling up at him, I return his words. “I love Knox, but our time together was special. As a friend, I’ll always love you, too. ” Leaning up, I place a soft kiss on his cheek.
“I understand. I sincerely hope you’re happy, Charlie,” he says, pulling away. “You deserve it.”
Smiling at him, I finally feel at peace with what happened between us. Then I turn away as he strolls down the hall, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
I’M IN a daze. A goddamn fucking daze as Charlie pours her heart out to me. When I hear the words “I love you” cross her lips, it takes everything in me not to haul her up and stake my claim, but at the last minute, I remember where we are. I’m ready to respond, to tell her that I feel the same way, but she silences me, like she doesn’t want to hear what I have to say. Moments later, I’m alone as I watch her disappear into her dad’s room.
So I leave her to visit her dad alone and head to the coffee shop, where I drink cup after cup of shitty coffee. I look at my watch and decide she’s had enough time when Doc Branch sits down across from me.
“I guess you had the same idea I did,” she says, smiling at me.
Shrugging my shoulders, I toy with my coffee cup. “I figured they could use some time alone together without me hanging in the background. I know you tried to keep it simple last night without freaking Charlie out, but now that I have you, give it to me straight. Just how bad is it?”
She sighs before taking a sip of her coffee as she looks away from me. “It was bad,” she admits, emphasizing the was, “but as soon as they figured out what was wrong and got him stable, everything looked like he was going to be okay. What I told you two was true. If he hadn’t been here—or around someone who would’ve known to perform CPR properly—well, I don’t even want to think about that. Anyway, he’s going to be fine, but he’s going to have to make some lifestyle changes to prevent another heart attack. And I’m going to make sure he does.”
Grinning at her, I know she means it. She sounds determined, and I can’t wait for the stand-offs between her and Wade to start. “You know he’s going to fight you on everything, especially during football season.”
She sets her chin. “I don’t give a damn. If I have to prepare every single meal, pour out every bottle of beer, I’ll do it. I won’t have him scaring me like that again.”
Eyeing her, I drain the last of my coffee, ready to go see my girl. “Is it serious?” I ask.
“I think so. Or well, it’s getting there at least. This scare definitely has me reevaluating things,” she says, and I nod in understanding.
“I don’t put it past a Davenport to go to extreme measures to get your attention,” I joke, and she laughs.
“And you two? Is it serious?” she asks, echoing my question. When I pause, she touches my arm. “Sorry. I know it’s none of my business. Her dad worries about her, after all that happened.”
“She loves me,” I answer, tossing her a bone, not caring for it to be a secret anymore.
She raises her eyebrows at me. “She does?” she asks, and a smug smile forms on my lips.
“She does,” I confirm. “I love her back.”
It’s the second time in the past forty-eight hours that I’ve said it out loud to someone other than Charlie. Standing up, I’m rejuvenated, anxious to finally let her know.
“And it’s about damn time I tell her.”
Doc Branch smiles at me. “Don’t let me keep you.”
And I don’t. Leaving the coffee shop, I’m energized, excited, and more than ready to pour my heart out. But as I step off the elevator, my excitement falters when I see them. When I see him.
As much as I want to charge down the hallway and scoop her up so he knows she’s mine, I remember how she responded when I went all crazy over her sparring with Chris. Instead, I move off to the side and watch as Charlie interacts with her ex, the professor, who’s all decked out in a suit, looking professional, successful. Branson’s words echo in my mind. You know she’s just going to end up leaving you, too. I shake the words out of my mind, knowing I can’t let him get to me again, but then I see him embrace her and whisper something in her ear.
It isn’t until she leans back that I find relief, but it’s short-lived as I watch him lean in, placing his lips on her. She stills, but then I see her lips press back against him before she quickly pulls away. They exchange a few more words before she gives him a kiss on the cheek. I may not be a lip-reader, but I know what I love you looks like, and my blood runs cold as I watch her say those words. A moment later, he turns to leave and his eyes widen when he recognizes me. Passing by, he gives me a simple head nod, and then he’s gone. When I turn back to Charlie, she’s already gone back in her dad’s room.
What the fuck just happened? Was she not just telling me the same damn thing an hour ago? Why the hell would she tell him that, too? And then fucking kiss him? My girl’s lips were on another man’s, and it takes everything in me not to punch something right now. I’m ready to burst into the room and back her against the wall, show her that there’s no way she can go back to him. I’m too fucking gone to lose her now. She’s engrained in my mind. She’s in my heart—fuck, she has my heart—and it wasn’t until now that I truly realize how much I’ve come to need her. Because the thought of not having Charlie? The thought of her with someone else? I’m not sure if I’d ever recover, and I’m scared as hell that I’m about to find out what it feels like.
And just like that, his fucking voice fills my head again. One day she’ll wake up and want something, someone more. Might as well get used to it.
IT’S BEEN two days since that day in the hospital. Two days since I told Knox I love him. Two days that I’ve been trying not to regret it. Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad I told him. I couldn’t keep the words inside any longer, and I wanted—I needed—him to hear it from me. There was just something about being there in the hospital that made me tell him. And I’m glad I did—well, I was.
When he came back from getting coffee, Dad was still asleep. He quietly slipped into the room and didn’t say a word. At first I thought he was trying to be silent for Dad’s sake, but after trying to talk to him and getting one words answers, I realized there was something more to it.
I didn’t think he saw Drew, and I knew I should tell him that he had stopped by. At the time, though, it wasn’t a conversation I wanted to get into right in the middle of the hospital. I figured I’d tell him later when we got home, but I chickened out, not wanting to mess with his already weird mood. As a result, it’s been two days of him spending hours in the gym. Two days of him barely touching me. Two long, torturous days that have me walking on eggshells, trying not to say the wrong thing.
He comes with me every time to the hospital, where O
livia and I hover over Dad, but he sits in the corner, reading War and Peace, which is exactly what he’s doing now.
Watching him, I’m wondering how I can fix this. I can feel him pulling away from me, and it’s scaring the shit out of me. I’m terrified that I spoke too soon, that he wasn’t ready to hear it, and that maybe I was being selfish in my need to say it. He’s been speaking to his mom every week or so, and he even went and had lunch with his parents before we left for Florida. I guess I thought that since he was patching things up with them, maybe—maybe—he’d be ready to really put a lid on the past. On Megan. But maybe I was wrong, and the fact that he’s shutting himself in again is making me extremely nervous. I’m already teetering over the edge.
The doctor comes in, ready to give Dad one last checkup before possibly releasing him. I sit beside Knox, but he doesn’t look away from the book when I do.
“I thought you had no desire to keep reading that,” I say, remembering the night he told me about his and Jace’s bet. Smiling, I recall the sheepish grin that crossed his face as he admitted he was afraid I’d get mad. I just laughed it off, because I honestly didn’t care, and in the long run, I benefited from it just as much as he did.
He shrugs, pretending to be engrossed in the book. “I don’t like not finishing something I started.”
And that’s it. That’s all I get. And I hate it. I’m tired of the clipped sentences, the constant wondering what’s bothering him, the fear that he’s going to wake up tomorrow and decide that he’s done. That it’s too much for him and he’s going to do to me what he did to them—shut me out completely when he decides this isn’t what he wants. That I’m not what he wants.
“Did I do something to piss you off?” I ask quietly, not being able to stand it anymore, but not wanting to make a scene.
He closes the book and looks at me, jaw tight. “I don’t know, sweetheart, did you?” And there it is. The initial I’m-trying-to-annoy-you sweetheart. Instead of trying to be cautious, my blood boils, and I have to remember where I am. I’m about to fly off the handle.
“Don’t do that, Knox. Don’t you dare take something that’s become sweet between us and use it to be an asshole. I don’t know what I did to bother you, but I’d appreciate it if you’d tell me instead of shutting me out,” I snap, watching as he clenches his teeth. The skin over his cheekbones tightens, and a shadow fills his eyes, creating a look I can’t decipher.
“This isn’t the time or the place, Charlie,” he tells me. “We’ll talk about this later.”
“Yeah, like I haven’t heard those words before. It’s never the right time or place for you, Knox.”
Before he can say anything, I hear the doctor giving Dad the all clear and instructing a nurse to start the release process. Knox gets up and makes a comment about meeting me downstairs, giving Dad privacy. I should be thrilled right now, but all I can think about is the brooding man beside me. I don’t want to discuss this later. I’m not sure I can wait that long. Then again, I want to put it off because I’m afraid I’m about to get my heart broken and I know it’s going to hurt so much worse this time around.
When Olivia’s finally wheeling Dad out of the hospital, much to his displeasure, I find Knox leaning against the outside wall, keys in hand. He watches as we get Dad into Olivia’s car and I wheel the chair back inside. Coming back out, I go over to Knox, but he doesn’t look at me.
“I don’t know what’s going on, but please, stop acting like this. I miss you, Rugged. Don’t shut me out,” I plead, hoping I don’t sound desperate. Not wanting him to say anything, I lean up on my toes and press a soft kiss to his lips. I’ve missed them, too. I want to deepen it, to feel that he does care about me, even if he can’t say it, but instead I pull away. “I’m going with Olivia to help get Dad settled in. I’ll be home later and we’ll talk then, okay?”
I’m about to move away when he grabs ahold of my hand and pulls me in close. He places a kiss on my lips, and my heart constricts when he speaks. “Okay, sweetheart. I’ll be waiting,” he says softly, and this time? This time I get sweet. My Rugged. Hot and cold.
As I watch him cross the parking lot and get in his car, I wonder just how much more of this roller coaster I can take before I finally break down and have to get off the ride.
IT’S DARK when Olivia finally drops me off, promising to keep me posted on Dad. I have to say that I don’t envy her right now. He was already bitching up a storm when he saw his refrigerator full of leafy vegetables and colorful fruits in the spot where his six-pack usually goes. I can only imagine how badly their heads are going to butt. Unfortunately for him, I don’t think he stands a chance against her, and it makes me feel so much better that he’s in capable hands.
Unlocking the door, I let myself in. After a couple of minutes, I realize Knox isn’t here. So much for waiting. My heart sinks, and even though I didn’t expect him to just wait around for me all night, I can’t help but feel disappointed.
Going into the kitchen to pour myself a glass of wine, I look outside and can barely make out Knox’s figure on the back deck. I’m relieved when I see him. Taking a deep breath, I know I can’t put this off any longer. Grabbing my wine, I head outside, hoping I’m strong enough to take whatever’s coming.
When I slide the door open, I can hear the guitar playing, but it’s the words that stop me in my tracks. The familiar chords of “Say Something” fill the otherwise silent air, and my heart plummets as I hear him singing about giving up, saying goodbye. I’m frozen in the doorway, and he still hasn’t noticed me. Tears prick my eyes at the implications of what he’s singing, and I know now that it’s over. It’s not until he sings the words about saying goodbye that a small sob escapes. I hurry to brush away the tears, not wanting him to see the evidence of my impending breakdown.
He stops playing and motions for me to sit in the chair next to him. “I didn’t hear Olivia drop you off. How’s your dad?” he asks, sounding so normal. Like nothing is wrong. It’s confusing, frustrating.
Swallowing hard, I take a deep breath, not sure if I can do this. Make small talk when I know what’s about to happen. “He’s Dad. More irritated by all the attention than what actually happened. I feel bad for Olivia having to deal with him.”
I can barely see the small smile cross his lips. I’m wishing it wasn’t so dark, because I need to see him. To read his expressions. “I think she’ll be able to handle him just fine.”
We sit in silence for a few minutes until it becomes too much to bear. “What’s going on, Knox? Why are you pulling away from me? You’ve been acting weird ever since I told you how I feel, and maybe you weren’t ready, but I’m not sorry for saying it.”
I’m holding my breath, waiting for him to respond. Setting his guitar down, he turns to face me, but all I can see are dark shadows on his face. “You think this is about you telling me you love me?” he asks, and I’m more than confused.
“That’s the only explanation I can come up. Nothing else has happened, and we’ve only been here, the hospital, and the gym since then. I can’t think of any other reason for you to be acting this way, for you to be shutting me out. And I can kind of get it. The last time someone said those words to you, she betrayed you in the worst way possible. But I’m not her. I’m not Megan.”
I watch as he swallows hard, rubbing his hand over his head. “This has nothing to do with Megan. I know you’re not her. There’s no fucking comparison there, and I’m over what happened to me in the past. But what I don’t know is if you are. I saw you with him. I read your lips. Right after his lips had been on yours. You can’t love us both, Charlie.”
My heart stops, and while I could be kicking myself for not having said something sooner, I decide to get angry. We’ve been over this. He promised me that he trusted me, but apparently he doesn’t. So I don’t get sad. I don’t get disappointed. I don’t start weeping or begging for his forgiveness. No, I get pissed. Really fucking pissed. And right now, all I see is freaking red.
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br /> I CAN’T believe she thinks my issue stems from her telling me she loves me. Well, okay, I can, and I know I should’ve told her sooner what was bothering me. It’s just that the more I’ve had time dwell on it, the more I’ve convinced myself that she isn’t over her ex. I saw how teary-eyed she got at the wedding, and it scares me that it wasn’t from the vows but from the reminder that she was supposed to be the one with a ring on her finger, walking down the aisle, saying her vows. I know that’s the future she wants, and I’ve never let her know that I want that, too. So instead of being an adult and just telling her what’s on my mind, I’ve reverted back to the asshole I was when we first met, trying somehow to salvage that wall around my heart, hoping to have some protection when she tells me she’s going back to him.
“Are you crazy?!” she exclaims, practically screeching as she flies out of her chair. It catches me off guard because my girl doesn’t screech.
“I know what I saw, Charlie,” is all I can say. It sounds lame, even to me. Rising to my feet, I’m almost instantly pushed back when she crosses to me, poking me in the chest.
“For your information, what you saw was Drew letting me go. What you saw was him realizing that I love you more than I ever did him. What you saw was me saying I’d love him as a friend. That was it! He stopped by to check on Dad, and me, because we spent years together, Knox. I’m not like you. I know how to forgive. I don’t permanently shut out those who hurt me. So yeah, I accepted his apology and I’m over it. Now, I’m not saying I’m going to be sending him Christmas cards every year, but I won’t turn and run away when I see him on campus.”
I know she’s still talking, but I can’t get past the whole she-loves-me-more-than-she-ever-did-him part. And in that moment, I get the sinking feeling that I just royally fucked up, much more than I ever have before with her.
“Sweetheart—” I begin, but she cuts me off.
“Don’t you dare ‘sweetheart’ me right now. I can already see it by the look on your face that you’ve just realized what an ass you are, but don’t even think about apologizing. I don’t want your ‘I’m sorry.’ I don’t need to hear that you were wrong, it was just a misunderstanding, or any other excuse from you.”
