by Nina Pierce
“A breeder? Sometimes the agricultural section is so dangerous. I’m not sure why women choose to work there. But how fortunate you were there to save her. I’m sure her partner will be forever grateful.”
Merenith had misunderstood. Of course she would think Jahara would save only a female breeder. It would never occur to her that a man’s life was worth anything. Jahara bit back a scathing retort and forced a smile. “You’re right, Mer. So, how’re things at work for you?” She was desperate to change the subject.
“The same, but I don’t want to talk about that. I have good news for you. It’s why I called. The acceptance came through today. I can visit you at the Garden next week.” She held up several computer disks. “I’ve gathered all the files from the hospital for you to update.” She sounded so pleased.
Jahara’s heart pinched with guilt. Had a month passed already?
“I have no doubt your Dame pushed through the paperwork,” Merenith said. “She knew how unhappy you were to be going in the first place.” She laughed. “So much has happened at the barns, I can’t wait to see you to catch you up on all that’s been going on. Not the least of which is a promotion.” Merenith preened. “But I can tell you all about it next week.”
Jahara couldn’t respond.
“Oh, and look who I found to keep me busy.” The squirming pup she held up to her face licked Merenith’s chin and she laughed. “He was from a stray litter one of the workers brought to the barns. Isn’t he just adorable?”
Jahara nodded slowly. So much had happened since her arrival, but it seemed unfair to share it with Merenith over the distance of the vid-com.
The puppy barked at the screen. “He’s always got so much to say.” The little imp squirmed out of her hands and Merenith bent and set him down. “Not like sharing my days with you, but he helps fill the empty hours.” Her fingers danced across the screen as if touching Jahara’s face. “I didn’t expect to miss you so much.”
“Nor I you, Merenith.” Jahara’s mind raced. It frightened her how easily the lie fell from her mouth. Next week, she’d tell Merenith about Brenimyn. Next week, when they weren’t talking over the vid-com, she’d break the woman’s heart. She hadn’t expected Merenith to react this way to their separation. Not so long ago, it was all she had hoped for. Now Jahara didn’t know what to do with Merenith’s unwanted emotions.
But Jahara did know, with absolute certainty—her heart was meant for Brenimyn. She understood now that she’d never fallen in love with any woman. Her heart had found its other half and Merenith wasn’t it.
“Jahara, you’re quiet.”
Jahara forced the muscles of her face to lift one corner of her mouth. “Just tired from the healing.”
“Your breeder seems nice. I talked to him briefly today. A very nice specimen indeed. He looks Olakuma like me. People won’t know which one of us birthed your offspring.” It was Merenith’s turn to blush. “I mean, if you have a female and you choose to bring her back home.”
“Of course. That would be wonderful.” Jahara swallowed the bile filling her throat.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about children and how nice it might be to share the responsibility of raising them with someone.” Merenith smiled shyly.
Jahara also wanted to rear the children she birthed—male or female—in a loving family environment. This blond woman with the shy smile just wasn’t part of what she envisioned for her future.
“I’m sorry.” Merenith shook her head, waving a hand and dismissing her last statement. “Obviously I’m way overstepping my bounds. Forget I said anything. They say absence is good for the heart, but I think it’s affecting my brain.”
“No it’s not.” Jahara tried to contort her face into an expression of happiness—too difficult—with a false smile and a nod, she settled for empathy. “We’ve been separated too long. And things here at the Garden have been … overwhelming.”
“I know, right?” Merenith leaned in conspiratorially. “The copulating is just awful isn’t it? So messy with all those fluids moving about. Hopefully your breeder’s like mine and it’s quick without much pain. I didn’t want to tell you how awful it was when you kept asking, but now that you’ve experienced it, I don’t mind saying—I didn’t like it very much.” Her face pinched in disgust. “Thank goodness it was over within a couple of months. I can count on my fingers how many times I endured that ritual.” She wiggled her fingers in the air. “With any luck, it’ll be the same for you.”
Jahara thought of the love she’d shared with Brenimyn just that afternoon and the trust they’d placed in each other. There was a unity in their lovemaking. When they were apart, she counted the minutes until they could join their bodies again. She loved him, but never more than when he was deep inside her, making her whole.
“So bad you don’t want to talk about it?”
No, I love being with him. “Oh, you know, I tolerate it. Hopefully, it won’t be much longer before I’m pregnant and don’t have to endure it anymore.” Jahara shrugged, trying to sound bored. “Like you said, the fluid exchange is quick. I manage.” Greasy nausea clawed at her throat. Jahara didn’t have to tell Merenith about Bren, but she certainly didn’t need to add lies to this farce.
“Just the thought of their aroused bodies …” Merenith shuddered in disgust.
Jahara nodded when Merenith paused. “Nothing like the curves of a woman.”
Merenith laughed. “And they’re as clumsy and needy as a stallion. All that bucking and braying.”
“Like you said, hopefully it won’t be much longer.” Jahara forced a laugh.
“Why don’t you introduce us? He barely spoke when he answered your communicator.”
“Maybe another time. He’s in the other room.”
“No … he’s standing in the doorway right behind you.”
Chapter Fifteen
Jahara clicked off the line with Merenith, no longer caring about hurting the woman’s feelings. She couldn’t remember any of the lies that had tripped off her tongue during their conversation, but she could imagine how it all sounded to Brenimyn. Though she’d only meant to deceive the woman on the other side of the vid-com, with the man ignoring her calls as she ran down the empty hall, she suspected he believed every word that had come from her mouth.
She stormed into their bedroom, hoping he was waiting in the bathroom to talk in private. Instead, she found him ripping clothes from their hangers and haphazardly shoving clothing into a backpack.
“Brenimyn.”
Don’t bother, Jahara. I would never have believed it, but you’re a better actor than Kylie. The anguish in his words filled her head. All this time I thought there was something between us. Just today you proclaimed your love for me. His lips remained pursed, his jaw knotted as he clenched his teeth. His eyes were piercing nuggets of ice, but his angry assault continued. Not in our bed as you have for so many weeks, but out there in front of the cameras. You dared speak the words aloud. You do remember that, don’t you? I gave my life essence to you. The warmth she’d bathed in this morning had been replaced by icy rage.
Jahara banged her head. “Get out of there. Talk. To. Me.” Anxiety and fear rode on her words. What she’d said to Merenith had cut Brenimyn deeply. She saw the pain in the creases of his forehead. The angry motions his hands made as he balled up the clothing told her so much. This was no wound she could heal with her touch.
Shooting a look at the camera, Brenimyn shoved another tunic into the pack. “Honorable Jahara, it is apparent that you prefer not to have me in your bed. I shall move to the other bedroom since that seems to be what would please you.” He spoke aloud.
“Oh, in the name of the Creator, we’re not going to get anywhere like this.” Jahara stormed into the great room, grabbing one of the large silver candlesticks off the dining table. Carrying it in both hands like a bat, she stalked to the corner of the room and with a warrior’s cry, swung high, taking down the camera in one power hit. The pieces rained down on th
e carpet in a shower of plastic, metal and wires. She did the same to the one in the kitchen, and all the other rooms. Until at last she returned to Brenimyn’s startled face, his hands frozen over the pack. She destroyed the blinking eye in the bedroom. Jahara beat at the shattered pieces on the floor, trying to relieve some of her frustration.
“Take that, you crappy piece of machinery. Get out of my life.” She kicked at the largest piece, sending the camera lens bouncing off the corner walls. It came to rest at Brenimyn’s feet. Her throat was raw from the screaming that had come out of her with the destruction. A hot lump pressed painfully at the spot, making her eyes water. She would not cry. She couldn’t lose Brenimyn, but she didn’t want him to stay out of pity.
“Now. Talk.” Jahara banged her palm on her forehead. “Not in my head, but with your mouth. Let’s argue like civilized people do—loud and rowdy. Give it to me. All of it, Brenimyn. I deserve it.” Dropping the candlestick, Jahara shifted on her feet, her hands waving in invitation.
“Why bother to talk? What’re you going to tell me, Jahara … more lies? You lie to me. You lie to Merenith. Do you even know the truth anymore?” Brenimyn threw the pack on the floor, his clothes spilling from the top. “You tell me one thing, then in the blink of an eye, tell Merenith something different. The worst part is … you lie to yourself, Jahara.” His voice was dangerously calm.
“How dare you?” Jahara pointed her finger at him. “You don’t know me. You don’t know what I was before I came here.”
“I guess that’s the point, isn’t it?”
“Hey, you were the one who chose me. You’re the one who pulled me into your prophecy.” She waved her hands in the air. “Some vision your birth-sister had when you were young. Well, you know what, Bren? Maybe I’m not that person.” She pointed at him. “I’m no warrior. I didn’t ask to come here and bring about a new world order. My world was working just fine for me before they dragged me here, kicking and screaming.”
He slanted her an assessing stare. “If that’s how you feel, Jahara, there’s nothing more for me to say.” He bent, picked up the pack and slung it over his shoulder. “When you know what you want, they’ll be able to find me. I’ll tell them you’ve chosen another breeder.”
“What I want?” Jahara balled her fists at her sides, her frustration turning to anger. “What I want?” She laughed, throwing her hands in the air, turning her back to him. “I know what I want.” Wrapping her arms around her chest, she tried to protect her splintering heart. “I want to be free to love you. I want not to hurt Merenith’s feelings.” She held her hand up and ripped off the ring, turning back to him and shaking it in the air. “This? This stupid thing was supposed to make me believe in love. And now that I do …” A caustic laugh escaped as she tucked it away in her pocket. “And now that I do … I realize I’ve had it all wrong. That the whole world has it all wrong!”
Her vision blurred in the wash of tears she tried unsuccessfully to control. “What I really want is for my healing powers to work like fairy dust and have everyone magically be happy. I want to stop working so hard to figure out my place in this world. But we don’t always get what we want so easily, do we, Bren?” She threw her shoulders back, facing the pain in his eyes.
“I know only one thing for certain and that’s how I feel about you.” Cautiously, she stepped toward him. “I’ve learned more about myself since arriving here than all my twenty-eight years combined. I know that love is not something you control. It sneaks up on you and wraps itself around your heart. It comes when you’re not looking for it. I know, because I’ve searched a long time and when I finally stopped looking, it blindsided me.” Jahara continued slow, measured steps toward the man she loved.
“True love is so intense it steals your breath and makes you dizzy with the power of it. It fills all the missing holes in your soul and makes you complete.” She stopped moving. “What I didn’t know, but have come to understand, is that my heart was looking for a man, not a woman. And not just any man, but you, Bren. I’ve only known women in my life. I wanted things to work with Merenith, not knowing she wasn’t the one.” She stood toe to toe with him, looking up into his eyes, hoping he wouldn’t push her away.
“I love you. That’s no lie.” She took his hand and splayed it over her womb. “I want more of what you gifted me with today. I want your children. I won’t give them away, because they would be created in our love. I could never lie about that. What you heard on the communicator was the lie. I don’t want you to go, Brenimyn, but if you don’t believe what I’ve said … well … then I don’t want you to stay. Because I also understand that love is a choice. One we make every day. I choose to love you.” She put her other hand on the stubble of his cheek. “But more importantly, I choose to let you love me. I didn’t have to accept what you offered, just as you don’t have to accept what I freely give. I didn’t mean to hurt you, but that’s part of loving someone too. I don’t understand it all, but I’m willing to learn.”
Dropping the pack, Brenimyn’s hand covered hers. “Jahara, I loved you before I knew you. I believed you loved me, but to hear you speak to Merenith …” He dropped his gaze to the floor and swallowed hard. He filled his lungs with a shaky breath before looking back at her. “I didn’t know which was real. I’ve never loved another. I can’t imagine the confusion you must feel. But what you said had me believing what was happening between us was the lie. I was afraid you’d chosen her. It wasn’t anger that had me packing my bags, it was terror. I felt my heart rip from my chest as you talked to Merenith. I wasn’t sure it would continue to sustain my life.”
“Brenimyn, I’m sorry. I am so sorry.” She laid her cheek on his chest.
Putting his face on the top of her head, he brought his arms around her back, pulling her tight against the solid wall of his chest. They stood like that until their hearts found their rhythm and beat as one.
* * * *
“Merenith, I’m so glad you’re there.” Jahara sat in the office in front of the video-communicator. Though Brenimyn was next to her, he wasn’t in view of the screen.
“What happened that made you leave so quickly? I’ve been worried. Was there an emergency?” Merenith touched the screen. “Was it the breeder you healed? Is she all right?”
Jahara smiled over at Brenimyn, her fingers laced with his on his thigh. She squeezed his hand. “No … and yes.” She looked back at Merenith. “Mer, I know I’ve only been here a short time, but so many things have happened. I want to tell you about them.”
“I have no plans. I have plenty of time to talk. What’s up?”
“Mer, I want you to meet my breeder. But I think it’s important you two meet face–to-face.”
“You know that’s impossible. Only breeding females are allowed in the Garden proper and we both know he’s not allowed out.”
“I understand that. I think there’s another way. I want to try something. I don’t know if it’ll work but I’d like to try.”
“Jahara, you’re scaring me. What’s going on?”
“I need you to meditate with me …”
“Now?”
Jahara laid her palm on the video-communicator screen as if she could reach out and touch the woman. “Yes, Merenith, now. Look at me. Focus on me, the way we’ve done before. I want you to think of our first outing at the river.” Jahara’s head tingled and she knew Brenimyn was making a telepathic connection with her. If this worked, he would be the conduit that took them all back to that place in the forest.
“Meditating on the vid-com? You’re not making any sense.”
“Trust me. Just try. Focus on the river. The spot where we went into the mountains with the horses.” She needed a place they knew well. “Imagine the wind and the rushing water. Hear it. See it. Feel yourself standing there with me.” Jahara’s tone was sing-song, soft and lilting. Her eyelids grew heavy with the power of meditation.
Then she was there. Standing next to Brenimyn, their fingers still entwined. Jah
ara smiled at him, knowing none of this would be possible without his gift. “Thank you.”
“Go to her.” He nodded his head.
Merenith stood with her back to them, looking out over the river. Her hair danced in the gentle breeze coming off the rushing waters. Her skin glowed in the sun’s rays, giving her an ethereal radiance. The woman had never looked so vulnerable.
“Merenith.” Jahara walked to her.
“How’re we here?” Merenith touched Jahara’s shoulder. “How can I feel you?” She looked around. “I can smell the forest and hear the rush of the river.” She turned back to Jahara, confusion furrowing her brow. “We’ve never meditated so deeply.”
“It’s a gift.”
“A new talent you developed at the Garden?”
“No, not mine.”
Merenith shot a look over Jahara’s shoulder then back at her. She opened her mouth to speak but couldn’t make sense of the man sitting serenely in the shade of a pine and the gift Jahara spoke of.
Jahara gently touched the woman’s arm, bringing her attention back to her. “Merenith, sit with me. We need to talk.”
“Jahara, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know how, but I would like to know why I had to do this now. Why couldn’t this wait until next week?”
Jahara pointed to a rock behind them. “Please Mer, just sit.”
“I don’t want to sit.” Merenith rolled her eyes and laughed, but there was no humor in the sound. “Oh, this is classic. I thought I’d be the one to start this conversation.”
Jahara just stared at her, not understanding her meaning.
“Oh, come now, Jahara, you arranged all this to tell me there’s another.” She threw her hands in the air and walked to the edge of the river. “You’ve always wanted more from our relationship than I was ready to give and now, when I decide to try, you’ve found another?” She turned back to Jahara. “Tell me I’m wrong.”
“Mer, it’s much more complicated than that.”
