“Well, that’s a scary thought,” I say but I can barely produce a tiny smile on my face.
The smile of a person who has nothing to be happy about, I think to myself but then Pip sends me one of her biggest smiles and I know that’s not true. I have things to be happy about, things to fight for.
“I have made my decision,” I say and all eyes are set on me. “I will go with you to Zolkon’s fortress and not because there is no other choice. I will go because it is my choice. Because I cannot forget who we are or what I am supposed to be. I’m ready to learn, Wudak. Learn and fight. And I trust you.”
“Very good,” Wudak says. “Nice to see the daring and confident Freya back.”
“There’s a lot I need to learn. I realize that. But I’m also the only one who can do all those things. I won’t take this responsibility lightly. We will fight the aliens and we will find a way to keep you alive.”
It feels good to say those things, to hear myself say them. Tomorrow I might be doubtful again but this moment is filled with clarity and certainty.
“The receptors require absolute unison of mind and body. The aliens are losing that ability. You, Freya, have a tremendous amount of energy in you. Never doubt yourself. I will serve you with my life,” Wudak says.
“The story of the princess and the frog,” Gritu says and nobody knows how to respond to that.
“Don’t you mean Beauty and the Beasts?” Nya says after a while.
Gritu shrugs his shoulders. “I haven’t watched that one,” he says.
“You’ve been watching movies?” Finn asks.
“Yes, at the library, like you.”
“Not all of us,” Malzod clarifies. “Just him.”
“You’ve known about the library,” Damian says.
“We removed the sensors from the area around the library about a year ago. That’s when we first spotted you. We’ve been trying to figure what to do with that knowledge ever since,” Wudak says.
So my suspicions have been right. Maybe my instincts are spot on when it comes to Wudak and the receptor.
“We leave in the morning,” Wudak says. “There’s no time to lose.”
* * *
Damian catches up to me on my way to my room. I want to start getting ready for my departure, prepare myself physically and emotionally for what lies ahead. Finn has promised to come and see me after he helps with cleaning up the training ring.
“You’re doing the right thing,” Damian says.
“It really helped talking to you earlier,” I say. “Somehow I started seeing things more clearly. Like the night after I discovered what I was capable of doing with the receptor. Only now I don’t have to feel guilty about it.”
We reach my door and it’s obvious that he wants to come in.
“Finn will be here soon,” I say and right away I know it’s the wrong thing to say. He always feels there’s some kind of competition between him and Finn, even when they work together.
He opens the door and walks inside before me. “There are a few things we need to discuss about your trip,” he says. “I need you to gather as much information as you can about the fortress and that Zolkon guy.”
“I will. I hope I won’t have to stay long though.”
He doesn’t seem to hear me.
“That thing you told me the other day, about using the receptor telepathically. Have you made any progress?” he goes on.
“Yes, I guess. I can use it from a distance.”
“Good. You should practice tonight before you go. Demand that you’re in the room when Zolkon fixes the receptor.”
“I know, you don’t need to worry.”
“But I do worry. I know it’s a necessary step but part of me feels like we’re sending you into a wolf’s lair.”
“There’s no wolf that can stop me,” I say. “Not even you. Now go, I have things to do.”
I almost have him out the door when Finn shows up. They stare at each other for a moment and then Damian pulls me by the waist and plants an instant kiss on my lips. I shove him away but there’s no need for that. He lets go of me voluntarily.
“Is this little show for my benefit?” Finn says under his breath.
“You are the showman, Finn. Funny guy and all. I was just saying goodbye,” Damian says.
“Stop it, both of you,” I interfere. I turn to Damian. “This is not the time or place for your stupid little games. Just go.”
He saunters off with a smile on his face.
“I wonder,” Finn says as we sit on the floor. “Have any of the things that Daphne said even registered in his brain?”
“Please, don’t tell me that you believed what Daphne said.”
“I don’t know, but she had a point. He’s drawn to you.”
“And that will bring about the end of the world as we know it?”
“Yeah, I know. That part’s a little cuckoo.” He pauses and runs his fingers through my hair. “I will miss you, Tick,” he says. “Promise me you’ll be careful.”
“Of course I will.”
I put my hand over his mouth to stop him from kissing me.
“Finn, no. I don’t think I can handle any more emotions for one day.”
We embrace for a few minutes and then he goes to give me time to prepare before dinner. I take the receptor out and examine it closely.
“You are going with me on a journey,” I say. “Serve me well.”
16
I tidy up the room as best I can. Deep down there’s always the fear I might not be coming back. I want to leave a good impression behind, not that of disorder and negligence.
I pile the books I’ve taken from the library room up on the desk. I fold my clothes and clean the few dishes in the sink. I sweep the floor with a broom I got from Quax. I make the bed and polish my boots.
I take a look around and shrug my shoulders. It’s not a place that anyone would call a home but it’s been some short of shelter for the few past weeks. I figure it’s dinnertime. I go to the door, open it and find Damian standing there.
“What are you doing?” I ask as I check the hallway for witnesses.
“Was just about to knock.”
“Haven’t we exhausted all subjects already?”
“There’s one more thing. Last one, I promise. And it can’t wait.”
“Ok, come in. But if you’re lying…”
“I’m not.”
I notice for the first time that he has to lower his head to step through the door and I feel like I’ve been living in a dwarf’s cave all this time.
“You cleaned up,” he says as he looks around.
“Just keeping busy on the eve of doom,” I say shrugging my shoulders.
“You have a premonition the fortress will bring about our doom?”
“What? No, I’m just, you know, making small talk.”
He opens his mouth as if he’s about to say something. He stops, clears his throat and starts again. “Your Finn hasn’t told you the whole truth about what Daphne said to him.”
“My Finn?”
“Isn’t that what it all comes down to with you? He’s your Finn no matter what he says or does, no matter who ends up getting hurt.”
“If you came here to berate Finn again, you can save your breath. I’m not interested,” I say and walk to the door.
“Your attachment to him is pathetic, blind,” he spews out.
I turn back and consider his words trying to figure out where he’s coming from with all this. “It would take you an eternity to understand what Finn and I share,” I say. “You don’t know how to do true friendship.”
“Finn didn’t tell you the whole truth,” he starts all over as he sits on my desk chair. Now at least I am a bit taller than him.
I wish he would stop with all this already, I know I am to blame for giving him the damned box, but I really can’t hear one more word about it.
“The truth about what, Damian?” I say. “Daphne? Haven’t we been over this already? Isn
’t it painful enough as it is? All three of us heard what she had to say. Why are you bringing it up again? What does it matter now?”
“Because you’re leaving,” he says. “Because I don’t know when or even if I will see you again. You’ve told me yourself that any of us could vanish at any moment. Die, get captured, whatever. So, back to your question. I’m telling you because you need to know.”
“Ok, I give up, tell me. What is the truth?” I sigh.
“Daphne didn’t hate you, she didn’t even dislike you. She actually thought there was something special about you. But she was jealous of you and it started long before she had her premonitions.”
I don’t know how to take this. So I smile. “Hmm, that’s a very interesting theory, but a bit on the crazy side, to be honest. I mean, how do you even come up with a thing like that? Do you remember the way I used to be? Who would be jealous of that useless creature?”
“I told her I loved you,” he says without blinking an eye.
If his intention was to catch me off guard, it has worked. This tone of ambiguity in his voice is nothing new. I’ve felt it many times before. I don’t know if he’s joking, if he’s serious, if he’s playing me. All I know right now is that I want him to continue.
“You told Daphne that you loved me?” I ask in a robotic voice.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because I needed to break things off with her. And because it was pretty much true.”
“Pretty much? Damian, honestly, what’s wrong with you?” I say and I feel like I need to sit down.
“What’s wrong with me? The fact that I love you means there has to be something wrong with me?”
“Well, yes. And you can’t pretty much love someone. I get it now, you’re like me. You were afraid of Daphne coming on so strong. You created an affection for me to deflect her,” I say shaking my head. “And then you got stubborn, or competitive, and wanted me because I was out of your reach. You started to believe you wanted me. And then it just became about your competition with Finn. ”
He glances at me stunned by this new idea. His sheepish expression means I hit on something true.
“That’s just great, Damian. You had a chance at love and you ran, using me as an excuse to get out of it,” I say exasperated.
“No. You’re wrong again. I told her the truth. She was jealous of you anyway. She made me nervous, looking for clues everywhere and it made her life miserable. She said she needed the truth, Freya.”
“So you created one for her,” I say rubbing my temples. “So she would stop making you nervous. I’d be disappointed in you, Damian, but I might have done it myself.”
“Is that all you have to say?”
“Seeing myself in you as I just have, now I don’t trust anything either of us might say. Daphne and Finn are pure and they know how to love. The two of us, we are too afraid of that burden.”
Once again, I don’t see it coming. I should have after all the stunts he’s pulled, but I’m too preoccupied trying to figure out what he’s set out to accomplish. He grabs me by the waist and when he pulls me closer for a kiss, I punch him hard in the nose.
It barely phases him physically, but emotionally I see a sudden pause in his passion. It’s like he is awakening. Have I finally reached him?
“Yeah, okay,” he whispers to himself, not so much defeated as resigned.
He pulls away and walks for the door. I feel the burden of the truth he is now confronting. I know I am usually like him, avoiding such burdens.
“Damian,” I say as he stops with his hand on my door. “She’s still out there in the shadows. She will know you love her.”
He continues out the door.
I should find clarity in this empty room now, but I was revealed as much as Damian. We are emotional cowards unlike Finn and Daphne. We are not to be trusted and so I now feel closer to Damian than ever before. I feel his hurt and I know how he cannot trust his own heart. We are alike. This has been our bond. We are emotional brutes and he is a physical one as well. His brutishness has drawn me in at times and I like the way he kisses.
Here I go again. Is there no end to my madness? This journey could not begin too soon. I want to escape Damian and Finn. If only I could escape myself as well.
* * *
The dining-hall is quiet. Damian is here and so is Finn. They are much quieter here than they are in my heart. There’s also Biscuit, Tilly and Doc. We exchange a few words and everyone seems themselves. This is not what I expected. Everything seems normal. My great revelation did not tilt the world off its axis.
I consider apologizing to Damian or Finn, or both, but that would take courage and I don’t have it right now.
Wudak walks in the room with Gritu and Malzod and thankfully saves me from my poisonous thoughts.
* * *
I don’t get a chance to approach Damian until after dinner. He walks slowly down the hallway checking something on his touchpad.
“Damian, I just wanted to say—”
His severe expression stops my lips cold. “I know I don’t deserve it, but can we never speak of this again?”
I nod and go to my room. This must be the longest day of my life. All my belongings are placed in my backpack. There’s so little that I own, so little that I need. I can move from place to place as easy as a migrant bird. And I don’t even have to build a nest.
Some day the blue skies will open up and I won’t have to hide anymore. I will fly to all the continents and oceans of the world. Then I will make a home somewhere and fill it up with small belongings that will remind me of every little time, every place and every person that has ever meant something to me.
But maybe it will never happen for us. We can hope for those that will come after us, the next generation of Saviors. Because what we have started will not die out. There will be more and more rebels, more fights and more victories. All I have that makes sense is this fight.
And maybe I will die in battle or maybe I will be captured and turned into an alien incubator. They would not win even then. I would kill myself before I would help them repopulate. Maybe Wudak and I will be ambushed tomorrow and take our last breath in the land beyond the mud.
Maybe I will never see my friends again.
I know there is no one destiny or one answer in front of me. In reality, there is only one answer always. The one that we are willing to give.
I turn on my touchpad and check the time. It’s almost midnight. The time for ghosts and those who can’t sleep to haunt the world with their heavy eyes. I step out of my room on tiptoes. If I regret this in the morning, so be it. There are a few things that can only be said at night.
I knock on his door but he doesn’t answer. I could turn and go now and forget the whole thing but instead I open the door. I don’t want to be a coward anymore. He’s wide awake, sitting on the bed.
“You didn’t answer,” I say.
“One last chance for you to walk away.”
“You don’t love me,” I say. “You’re like me. You don’t know how to love.” My voice breaks even as I say this.
He lowers his head so I can’t see his eyes when he talks. “All I have ever done is try to protect you. Haven’t you seen that? Since that first night at the plantation when I carried you back to safety.” He raises his head and looks into my eyes. “You were right. I did love Daphne. How could I not? I was afraid, but now I just feel broken and you are the only one who understands me. You always have been.”
I go to him, I put my arms around his neck and caress his hair right where his tattooed number is hidden. I can almost feel the digits through my fingers. Those painful engravings that bond us all together in misery.
“You’re so beautiful, Freya,” he whispers. “So frail. So strong.”
I kiss him because I want him to know that this is what I want. This is what I choose. Not because he asked but because it’s my truth as well at this moment. His skin is warmer than a cat’s fur. I touch
his burning eyelids and whisper in his ear that we have both suffered more than enough.
17
As far as the eye can see to the east and to the west, there’s mud and more mud. Sticky, reeking, brown and green mud. The crater looks to be a hundred feet wide and we have to walk through it.
“How deep is it?” I ask.
“It will probably go up to your thigh,” Wudak says and steps in. “It’s not quicksand, we can cross.”
The thought of dipping my feet and legs inside this viscous mass is less than appetizing. I put my right hand over my mouth and nose to diminish the sense of stench even by the tiniest amount. I take the first step in the mud, then the second, and watch my boots disappear under the sludge.
I follow Wudak slowly trying to ignore the increasing feeling of nausea in my stomach. I tell myself to stay focused on the opposite side of the mud. Stay focused on the plan.
Pip told me to stay strong this morning. It was a very emotional time when I said goodbye to everyone. They escorted me out of the tunnels and stood in the morning light for the first time in weeks.
Pip held on to my hand as long as she could. She let go when Zoe gave me a hug.
“Take care,” Zoe said. “I’ll see you in a few days.”
I squeezed her hand and kissed her cheek feeling grateful for her friendship.
I’m in the mud all the way to my knees now. Wudak turns back every now and then to make sure I’m fine. I wish I would have had time to talk to Zoe before I left. I have never needed a girlfriend more than now. There’s so much I’d like to say to her. So much that I could not tell anyone else.
Tilly had tears in her eyes when she wished me a safe journey. “We will take care of Pip,” she promised.
“I know you will, I leave her in excellent hands,” I said hugging Scout.
“Make sure you come back soon, Freya,” Rabbit said.
“I’ll do my best,” I said.
Biscuit gave me a loaf of bread. “With cinnamon,” he said. “Your favorite.”
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