by Ruby Dixon
We glide around the city, and I manage to stay on Dakh’s back as he dives for a fleeing cow and snaps it up in one gulp. I try not to be grossed out by it, because I know he has to eat, but my stomach still does a queasy little jump when a few drops of blood catch in the breeze and spatter my goggles.
I will try harder not to let it bleed on you, Dakh tells me. Perhaps next time I will not bite, just swallow whole.
Oh, for Pete’s sake, just bite the damn thing. It’s not your fault I’m squeamish. I chuckle to myself, amused at the thought of a dragon trying to change his habits for a puny human like myself. I can’t expect you to live on peanut butter and crackers like me. Ahead of us, Kael swoops and grabs another cow in his claws, ripping the head off before tossing it back in his throat. And at least you didn’t do that. Yeesh.
His mate is not bothered. You should not be either.
Maybe after I’ve ridden on you for a while, seeing you get your beef in the raw won’t be a big deal. For now, it’s still shocking. I’ll get used to it. It just takes time.
Then…you do not mind if I eat another?
Not at all, babe. Just let me know when you’re zooming in so I can close my eyes.
After the hunt is done, we re-alight back onto the “perching ledge”—as I’ve come to think of it—over Claudia’s open-air end of her enormous apartment. Amy’s nowhere to be seen, hiding downstairs in her bunker since dragon activity is high today. We dismount, and Claudia rubs a hand over her dirty face. “Want to go wash up and have a coffee before you go?”
“Sure.”
I follow her into the bathroom stalls. This building once housed offices, I think. Claudia and Kael have cleaned out any remnants of cubicles, and Claudia’s set it up like a cozy living room on the far end of the building, with patio furniture on the open-air side. I don’t know if I could live with a gigantic hole in the roof on one end, but it is rather sunny and breezy compared to the stale, dark store I’m living in. The bathroom itself is similar to the one back at the store, with a row of sinks and a broken mirror, and several toilet stalls, though most seem to be out of order.
“So what do you think of riding?” Claudia asks, picking up a bar of soap and turning on one of the taps in the sink. She scrubs at her hands and then soaps up her cheeks, dirty with ash and blood. “Best way to travel, isn’t it?”
“It does take a little getting used to, but it’s better than the alternative by far.” I take the soap from her and lather up, washing my face free of grime. Ever since I left Fort Dallas, I’ve been addicted to being clean. With free soap and water at hand, I never want to be as filthy as I was before. It’s the little things you appreciate, and gosh, do I appreciate a fresh-smelling bar of soap. I don’t even care that bar soap is bad for my face—I just like being clean.
“Are you guys going to stay out at that store? Or are you going to move closer to Old Dallas?” Claudia’s tone is casual, but I suspect there’s a lot more behind that simple question. She won’t look me in the eye in the mirror’s reflection. Strange.
“We haven’t given it much thought,” I tell her honestly. Or I have, but we haven’t really decided anything as of yet. I don’t want to leave Emma behind, not when we’re her only friends. “I’m still getting used to the idea of being able to go anywhere and be safe.” I pause, thinking. “I actually considered going south with Dakh, to the shore. See what the world is like down there. See if the oceans are all burned away or if there’s another fort near Houston. Maybe there are more survivors and we just haven’t heard from them. Maybe it’s nice and peaceful there. We don’t know because every time Fort Dallas sent a runner, no one ever came back, but I’d love to find out. And I’d love to see the ocean.” I sigh happily at the thought. “I wonder if Dakh’s ever seen it? He’d be so surprised to see all that water. And I’ve got a zillion bikinis, thanks to the store.”
“The beach, huh?” She looks a little disappointed. “I was hoping you’d want to move closer. We could pool our resources. Use our dragons for good and not evil! Keep Fort Dallas in line and all that.” She wiggles her eyebrows at me. “We could be superheroes. Kind of. Or you know, more like cops. With dragons. Keeping our neighborhood clean of corruption and the like.”
I shake my head at her. The longer I’m out of Fort Dallas, the less grateful I am to the city for “giving” me a place to live for the last few years. A place that left me trapped and forced to depend on others for survival, maybe. But I wouldn’t call it a living, and I feel sorry for all the others trapped in the same situation. “If you would have asked me a month ago, I probably would have said yes. But I’ve been on my own and scavenging with Dakh, and…the longer I’m away, the less I think they deserve help. They treated you like shit, Claud. They tried to take Amy hostage. And no one would help me at all.” I shake my head. “Or you want to help Tate make things safer? Tate who likes to break things? I’m actually kind of shocked that you would suggest helping the fort after what they did to you.”
“Tate’s absolutely an asshole,” Claudia tells me. “There’s no changing that. The militia are creeps. But there’s a lot of people stuck there with no hope, and there are young kids and families that deserve better.”
She’s right, but that’s too simple a view. “How would we help them? They’d be terrified of the dragons.”
“I don’t know.” She flicks the water off her hands. “Maybe we could fly in supplies. Or help chase off the reds when they attack. Something. I’m not sure what yet. I just know that if I turn my back on all of humanity, I’ll feel like I’m as responsible as the militia is for how shitty things are.”
“I guess.” I dry my hands on a small towel she has on the sink and then pat my face dry. The girl that stares at me from the broken mirror is a completely different Sasha from a month ago. The hollow, haunted look is gone. The dirty, hunted girl from before who felt like she had no hope is a thing of the past. And maybe it’s selfish of me, but maybe I don’t feel much like helping those who wouldn’t help me. Maybe I just want to stick with my friends for now. “It’ll take some time to wrap my brain around the thought of sticking around instead of going to the dang beach.”
She laughs. “Well, just think about it. Nothing has to be decided overnight. And I don’t have any plans yet myself. Just ideas.” She crosses her arms and glances over at me. “I just don’t want to sit by and do nothing, you know? Not when this is the world I’m bringing my kid into. If I have a chance to make it better, I want to.”
“Mmm.” I’m not entirely convinced. “I’ll talk with Dakh and see how he feels.”
You know my answer already. I want what you want.
“All right.” Claudia opens the door and glances back at me as she heads out to the main room. “You know, it always surprises me that you and Dakh get along so well.”
“Really? Why is that?” It seems a curious thing.
She shrugs. “I just wasn’t sure what to think when he grabbed you from midair. I’m glad it all turned out okay.”
What?
39
SASHA
I feel like I’m in a slow-motion vacuum. All of the air has been sucked out of the room. Every second, every breath, stretches for an eternity.
I just wasn’t sure what to think when he grabbed you from midair.
She saw that? Claudia saw that?
She knew Dakh had me?
I mean, of course she knew he had me. I’m shocked to think that she didn’t bother to try to help me escape him, though, if she saw he was the one that grabbed me.
Come to think of it, she’s never asked how I ended up with Dakh. It was as if she already knew…
Sasha?
I ignore Dakh’s alarmed thoughts and try to calm my own frantic ones. “What do you mean?” I’m amazed at how even my voice sounds, how cool. “You saw Dakh snatch me when I fell? When you were attacking Fort Dallas?”
Her expression changes—first surprise, then guilt. She realizes what she’s said. And I reali
ze it, too. All this time, she’s been so careful, so delicately trying to make sure that I’m happy, I’m really happy, when she knew she’d abandoned me to Dakh all this time.
She knew, and because I’m okay with him now, everything’s all better.
My Sasha, why are you so upset?
Was this part of the plan? I demand of him. All along? Was it that they were going to snatch me just to hand me off to you? It was never a rescue for me, was it?
I do not know what she planned, but I know I made it quite clear to Kael that I wanted a human mate. You fell into my claws and I knew you were mine.
And they knew it, too, didn’t they?
Kael connected his mind with mine and tried to convince me to bring you back. I did not.
So they knew. They knew all along that I was with him, and they left me. I feel staggered. Shocked. Hurt.
Betrayed.
I’ve been betrayed by everyone. Claudia’s ready to charge out and save Fort Dallas, but she couldn’t be bothered to try to save me when I was scared and alone?
It’s the icing on the cake, and I’m done.
Claudia looks upset. “Sasha—”
I raise a hand. “I don’t want to talk to you right now.” My voice breaks. “You left me.”
“I didn’t know what to do!”
“You did! You had a choice, and you left me—let a dragon carry me off because you wanted to rescue your sister. You knew what Dakh wanted. Was there ever a plan to rescue me?”
“It was a risk,” she says softly. “But I thought you would be safer with him than with Tate—”
“Oh, well, I’m so glad you decided my future for me,” I snap at her. “Next time how about you let me have a little say in it?” I storm past her, snatching my goggles off of a patio table. I feel used. I feel so, so betrayed.
I feel so stupid.
How did I ever think these people cared about me? That they were my friends? Of course Claudia put her sister above me. Of course she never came after me. Not if she knew I’d be just fine and dandy being cuddled by a dragon. And stupid me, I never stopped to question any of it. I just worried over Claudia and Amy like they were my friends and I wasn’t being stabbed in the back.
I march to Dakh’s side and grab the straps, hauling myself onto his back. Take me home.
“Sasha—” Claudia begins again.
“I don’t want to talk to you,” I bark out at her. “Not right now!”
She is upset, Dakh tells me. Kael is angry that she is upset.
You can tell Kael to shove it up his ass, I send back, seething. Let him just try and eat me. He’d get nothing but a mouthful of salt because I am so, so bitter right now.
He will never harm you, Dakh tells me vehemently. I would never let him close enough. And buckle in and I will take you away.
It feels like forever to fix all the straps correctly, and all the while, Claudia just stares up at me with hurt eyes. I can feel her gaze boring into me, and I don’t care. I just focus on fumbling each buckle into place. When they’re all finally in the right spots, I put my hands on the handlebars and stare straight ahead. I’m ready. Go.
You are upset? Dakh asks, a strange note in his thoughts. Because you are my mate?
Because they gave me no choice. No one ever bothered to ask me what I wanted. Not you, not Claudia, not Claudia’s fricking dragon. No one ever stopped to think how I’d feel being tossed over to a dragon instead of staying in Fort Dallas. Everyone just assumed they knew what was best for me. And that is why I am angry. I clench the handlebars tighter. Go, please.
Should we talk? I do not like your tears.
Am I crying? I don’t even care. Just go. Right now I don’t even want to talk to you.
I can feel the shock in his thoughts. You are upset at me?
I am. Right now, I’m just upset at everyone. Please leave me alone.
There is a long pause, and I can tell that Dakh’s trying to figure out what to do. I know every instinct he has tells him that he should comfort me, but I really, really want him to fly away right now. I want to get away from Claudia’s sad, guilty eyes, because if I stay, I’m going to say things I regret, and I’m going to hurt even more. I just want to crawl into a dark corner and lick my wounds.
At least Tate only broke me on the outside. He never hurt me on the inside. I could get away from his awfulness because I knew it was just temporary. It was a thing to be endured.
I don’t know how to cope with this. Even my normal method of going to my ‘happy’ place doesn’t work, because when I try to pull up a mental image of clear meadows and flowers, I think of Dakh and his flag of a picnic blanket and the way he tried to give me an uprooted bush, as if it was the same thing as giving me a bouquet.
My thoughts are a mess the entire long flight home.
40
SASHA
When we get to the store, I don’t even stop to wait for Dakh to unstrap. I unbuckle quickly, slide off his back, and storm through the double doors, heading for my bed.
Sasha, wait.
Just like I did for the entire flight, I ignore him. I push my way inside, stomping my way toward my bed—and hopefully a bit of privacy—as quickly as I can. I don’t want to talk. Not right now.
I do not understand. Why are you angry at me? His thoughts are bewildered. I did not betray you.
You never told me, I accuse him. You knew they sold me out to you and you let me just blitz in there, all happy like they were my best friends and not thoughtless jerks. Like I’m not just a warm body who fills a convenient need. That’s all I was to them, and maybe that’s all I am to you.
Dakh’s mind is suddenly a flurry of angry ravens. Never say such things. You are my fire, my heart. You are my mate.
Only because I conveniently “fell,” I point out to him as I rip my shoes off and toss them on the floor. Right into your arms. I climb into bed and pull the blankets over my head. Now go away.
Go away?!
I can smell his scent, and I can hear his footsteps as he approaches. That’s right. Go away. I want to be left alone. I realize I’m still talking in mental speak, and that makes me even more frustrated. I pull the blankets down and glare up at him. “I know I’m being unreasonable, but I need time to process this and get it out of my system.”
He gets down on his knees next to the bed, concern making his eyes flick between gold and black. Tell me how to help you, then.
“I don’t want you in my thoughts.” I press my palms to my forehead. “It’s too crowded, and I can’t think straight knowing you’re in there, picking through every little idea I have. I want to be able to have my anger without you spying on every single moment of it. I just want an hour of peace and quiet.”
I can feel his thoughts grow stubborn. No. I do not wish to leave you.
“And I didn’t want a dragon in my brain, but we don’t always get what we want,” I retort. “I don’t want you in here,” I press my hands to my forehead. “I just want peace and quiet for five damn minutes.”
Five minutes? He perks up at that. I can give you five minutes.
Ugh, far too literal. An hour, I tell him. I want an hour.
Very well, I will be quiet.
As he settles down on his haunches, I realize he’s not getting it. I sit up. “No, Dakh. Even if you’re here, it doesn’t matter if you’re quiet. You’re still here.” I point at my brows. “The only way I get quiet is if you go away, go out of range for a bit.”
He gazes at me, eyes dark, but I don’t sense the ravens. There’s only a deep disappointment. He gets to his feet, slowly. You are still my heart, my Sasha.
That makes me feel like crying. “I know, Dakh. And I still love you, okay? I just need to lick my wounds in private for a bit.”
I will lick your wounds. He reaches out and brushes a knuckle over my cheek.
For some reason, that makes me want to both laugh and weep. “You can do that after I’ve had a good hour to stew, okay? I just feel really betra
yed and hurt, and every moment that you’re lurking in my head makes it worse, because I can’t stop focusing on that.”
I understand. He brushes his knuckle over my cheek again and sends me a bolt of pure, sweet love in his thoughts. Then he turns and walks away. I will leave you to your thoughts, though I do not agree with them. I understand that you want quiet in your head. I know this feeling very well.
Yeah, I guess he would, after years of his “ravens” attacking his mind. “Thank you,” I whisper. “I really appreciate it.”
I know.
With that, he’s silent, and I hear him go outside. I don’t hear him take off, but my mind is silent. It’s what I wanted. It’s…weird, too. It’s the first time in a long time that I’ve been completely without my connection to Dakh. Lately when he’s hunted, he’s kept in range so he could touch my thoughts. Right now, I feel like I’ve kicked him out. I test our mental connection, trying to find that bright little “spark” in my mind that’s my dragon, but it’s gone.
I’m not entirely comfortable with it. It’s not as relaxing as I thought it’d feel. Instead, it just feels lonely, and that makes me feel worse.
Well, I seem determined to make myself miserable, don’t I?
I flop back on the pillows and stare up at the faint glow of the emergency lights in the ceiling. I hate this. I hate that I don’t know who to trust.
I hate that after a month of happiness, I feel like I’ve skidded back into the “No One Loves Sasha” zone. I feel abandoned all over again. I guess it hurts worse this time around because I wasn’t expecting it. My guard was down. And I’m in love, and now that I find that Dakh was involved—however marginally—just makes me feel like I’ve lost the only person I could trust. After all, he knew that Claudia deliberately didn’t go after me and he’s never said a peep. Granted, he probably didn’t understand the difference, but I do. It makes a big difference to me.
I hug one of the pillows close and let my tears fall. Why is nothing ever simple? Why does nothing ever work out for me? Why does no one ever want me for me? Why am I always just an afterthought?
