The ache in his chest worsened as he stared across the fire at Calindria, as the small distance between them felt like a vast chasm.
He wasn’t sure he had ever felt like this. Tied in knots. As if his very life depended upon one person. As if that one person turning her back on him would be enough to destroy him.
He picked at his own food, losing his appetite as the gloom in the air grew thicker, weighing more heavily upon him.
In fact, he was sure he had never felt like this, because he had never been in love, and gods have mercy on his wretched soul, he knew this was love. He felt it in every fibre of his being as he looked at her, as he went in circles desperately seeking the words that would be the ones to make her forgive him rather than make things worse.
He wanted to move to be near to her, as close as she had allowed him to be before, but he knew she wouldn’t accept it and he hated that. He hated that she was distancing herself now, drawing away from him. He craved her, was sure she had cast some sort of spell upon him to make him want her so badly when he hadn’t wanted a female in centuries.
The depth of that want only grew as the air between them chilled, as that chasm yawned wider.
As he began to think about every moment they had shared.
He already missed the way she would smile at him, how she would glance at him whenever she thought he wasn’t aware of her and would let her eyes linger. He missed the way they had talked, how at ease he had felt around her, and how good it had felt to unburden himself a little and learn more about her.
All things he hadn’t been aware of at the time, but now that they had been taken from him, he needed them with a ferocity that shook him to his soul.
He curled his fingers into fists, drew down a breath, and let resolve flow through him to chase his fears away. If he had to hurt himself, expose himself, to make things between them right again, he would do it. He would tell her every humiliating detail of what had happened to him.
“Calindria—” he started.
She stood and brushed her backside down, making it clear she wasn’t interested in listening to anything he had to say.
His courage took a hit and faltered.
“You need to eat more.” He offered another piece of meat to her like a messed-up olive branch he knew she wouldn’t take, worry arrowing through him. She had eaten barely a mouthful, not nearly enough to sustain her.
She shook her head and wouldn’t look at him as she mumbled, “I want to sleep.”
She wandered off again and he twisted to look over his shoulder at her, tracking her as she went back to the area she had walled off and disappeared from view.
He cursed himself a thousand times over as it felt as if he had just watched his future disappear and had condemned himself back to the shadows, to a life without light. He rubbed at his sternum, aching with a need to go to her and make her listen, even when she wouldn’t right now. She needed time, and he would give it to her, even though it pained him.
Thanatos stared at the fire, his focus behind him on Calindria as she settled down to sleep. He would keep watch over her and if the nightmares returned, he would wake her, saving her from them. Maybe he could use that as a starting point for a conversation, discovering what she dreamed that made her so fitful and frightened, and he could talk about the nightmare that still haunted his every waking and sleeping moment.
She deserved to know.
He had told others of what he had been through, in the barest detail. Her own brother, Calistos, knew the demigoddess had defeated him in battle, drugged him and stolen his seed. Surely, he could tell her more than he had told her twin? Hell, he would settle for telling her the same thing as he had Calistos. It might be enough for now, would make her understand him more, and perhaps forgive him.
Thanatos poked at the fire and ate more of the meat, forcing it down to keep his strength up so he could continue to protect her. Healing had taken a lot out of him and he needed to replenish his body. He would be no good to her as he was now. If the Keres attacked again, he might not be strong enough to protect her.
Why did he find it so difficult to tell her what had happened to him?
She had proven time and again that she was understanding, a compassionate female and one he could trust.
Telling her about his past would only be making himself vulnerable in a different way and he doubted she would spurn him for what had happened to him, or view him as less of a male.
It hit him that fear of her doing such a thing was the true reason he couldn’t bring himself to tell her.
He worried that she would see him as weak when he had given her the impression he was strong, powerful. He didn’t want her to think less of him.
Thanatos lost track of time as he thought about that, about how much she was coming to mean to him, and not once did Calindria stir. She slept soundly, her breathing even, and it was a relief to him. She needed rest almost as much as she needed food.
His muddied senses picked up something and he tensed, rising to his feet as his right hand went to his sword. He drew it slowly, scowling into the gloom, trying to pinpoint what he had felt.
A black-haired male stepped from the tunnel, his mismatched eyes—one green and one blue—scanning the cavern and settling on Thanatos. Messengers all looked the same, but he knew this one. It was the male who had been looking for Calindria, the one Thanatos felt sure had been tailing him through this realm before he had found her.
The Messenger’s eyes settled on the wall of vines at Thanatos’s back and slowly widened, his step faltering as he walked towards it. Shock rolled across his features and he blinked rapidly, his gaze locked on the wall, as if Thanatos didn’t exist.
Thanatos stepped into the path of his gaze and the male dared to frown at him, revealing an emotion he shouldn’t possess—anger.
“What do you want?” Thanatos growled, his own anger getting the better of him as his mind whispered that he knew what this male wanted.
Who this male wanted.
The Messenger merely shifted his gaze to the right, ignoring the threat standing right before him. This wouldn’t do. Thanatos stepped forwards, intent on reminding the male who he was dealing with and putting him in his place.
He tensed when he sensed Calindria emerge from behind the wall, glanced at her as she stood just feet from him, her blue eyes locked on the Messenger, recognition dawning in them. Damn it. He had wanted to drive the male away before she could wake. His blood heated to boiling point as he looked back at the male and found him gazing at Calindria with a possessive light in his mismatched eyes.
The fact that the male dared to look at her while she was so skimpily dressed was enough to have Thanatos sinking into a rage. The fact the male looked as if he wanted her for himself propelled him past rage and into something far darker and far more dangerous.
Thanatos stretched his wings out, not to intimidate the Messenger but to cover Calindria, stopping the male from seeing her curves. She frowned at him and he cursed as she stepped around his left wing.
“I know the way home, my lady.” The Messenger kept his eyes fixed on her as he pressed his hand to the chest of his black tunic and bowed his head, ignoring Thanatos. “If you would come with me, I can lead you there.”
“I know you.” She sounded far too happy about that. “Gods, it has been so long. Do you still work for my family?”
Thanatos snarled, “No, he does not. He left the family.”
“I left it to search for you, my lady.” The Messenger almost spoke right over him, earning himself another growl from Thanatos. “I have been searching for you for six centuries. I knew you were not dead.”
Calindria gave Thanatos a pointed look. He scowled at her.
“Everyone believed you were dead. This male speaks lies.” He gripped his sword in both hands and stared the Messenger down. “None of his kind are to be trusted. They were involved in what happened with the gates, employed by Eris to work against your family.”
&
Calindria looked between Thanatos and the Messenger, and he had the sinking feeling he had to do something and do it fast, or she was going to punish him by leaving with the male.
He couldn’t let that happen.
“Look at him, Calindria.” He lowered his sword and furled his wings. “Look at him and tell me he does not want you for himself.”
She frowned at him. “Messengers do not feel emotions like that. They do not have needs like that.”
The Messenger slid him a sly look, but the second she looked at him again, he schooled his features, his eyes emptying of emotion, and bowed his head. “I live only to serve you, my lady.”
Thanatos bared his teeth at him.
The bastard was lying. He knew it. Panic gripped him, the thought of Calindria going with this male swift to unleash that feeling inside him and he couldn’t stop himself from reacting. He lunged for her and grabbed her arm, desperate to stop her and make her listen to him.
Cold swept through him as she turned a black look on him, as he realised he held her wrist in a bruising grip, one that had pain shining in her eyes.
He shook his head and released her, but he knew it was too late.
Rather than making her stay, his rash actions had done the opposite.
She was going to leave him.
He was damned if he was going to let that happen.
Chapter 20
Calindria rubbed at her right wrist, massaging the pain away. Deep in her heart she knew Thanatos hadn’t meant to hurt her, but then she had the feeling he never did. He never meant to hurt her, he just kept doing it. His gaze seared the side of her face as she looked at the Messenger, as she fought a war with herself, torn between remaining with Thanatos and listening to the darker side of her blood.
That darkness demanded she punish him for what he had done, wounded him just as he had wounded her. She didn’t want to listen to it, but it lured and coaxed, tempted her into doing as it wished, promised satisfaction if she did. She wanted him to feel as hurt as she did, didn’t she?
No. That wasn’t like her. It might have been back when she was in the cage, when the thought of getting revenge on those who had hurt her had pleased her and had given her the strength to keep going. She wasn’t like that now.
Yet, she couldn’t silence the darkness as it murmured temptation to her, filling her with a need to listen to it, to seek revenge.
The Messenger held his hand out to her, and she felt as if he was the embodiment of her darkness as he said, “Come, my lady. I know a short route to the edge of this realm. You could be home in less than a day.”
“Home,” she murmured, that word triggering an ache in her, a yearning to see it again, one she hadn’t felt before.
She knew why she was feeling it now. It wasn’t the thought of seeing her brothers and her father that had her desperate to go there. It was the thought of seeing her mother, of sinking into her arms and unburdening her heart, telling her about Thanatos and hearing what her mother thought. Her mother had always guided her with a gentle hand, unlike her brothers and her father. If anyone could help her with her problems, could show her the right path to take with Thanatos, it would be her mother.
She looked at Thanatos. “Come with us.”
For a heartbeat, he looked as if he might agree, but then he scowled at the Messenger. “I go nowhere with a traitor. This male is not to be trusted.”
In his eyes, no one was to be trusted. She took that back. He had trusted her, even though it had been difficult for him. That past he still refused to tell her about made it impossible for him to trust people, but he had managed it with her.
“I am going with him.” She hated the way Thanatos looked at her as if she had just betrayed him, hated herself for tossing that ultimatum out there, trying to force him to do as she wanted.
She regretted it too.
Because his silver eyes shone with hurt.
There was anger in them too, fire that was quick to burn that hurt to ashes. Sorrow swept through her on the heels of regret and she wanted to take back what she had said, wanted to talk to him and make things right again, only she couldn’t find her voice as he turned his cheek to her and glowered at the Messenger.
Shutting her out.
Maybe what they needed was some time apart from each other.
She glanced at the Messenger, into his heterochromatic eyes, and saw the truth in them. He knew a shorter route to the edge of this realm. Her gaze strayed back to Thanatos. She felt sure that he would follow her if she left, that she would be able to lead him out of this realm too, freeing them both.
He would hate her for it, but if it meant he could be free of this wretched realm, could return to his castle and his life there, it would be worth the pain she was about to cause them both.
“I will make my own way back home from here then, with the help of this Messenger.”
His expression darkened with each word that left her lips, blue fire igniting in his eyes, rapidly engulfing his irises. The air around him chilled despite the campfire. His head slowly swivelled towards her, his jaw clenching as he flexed his fingers around the grip of his sword, causing his muscles to tense.
“You are… dismissing me?” he growled and she didn’t hear anger.
She heard pain.
Saw his barriers come back up to shut her out as he bared his teeth at her, as he sheathed his sword and turned on her, glaring down into her eyes as he loomed over her, dwarfing her.
Calindria squared her shoulders and stood her ground as that pain echoed inside her too, made her want to take back what she had said and remain with him. She couldn’t. The thought of leaving him hurt her, but she knew if she remained the pain would be a thousand times worse.
He couldn’t give her what she wanted from him.
She could see that now. She could see she had been a fool to think she could break down the barriers around his heart without help. They were impenetrable. If she was going to succeed in destroying the layers of walls he had constructed to protect himself, she was going to need help.
She was going to need to speak with someone who had shattered barriers far thicker and far taller than the ones guarding Thanatos’s heart.
Her mother.
By her mother’s account, her father’s heart had been locked within a thousand cages, each more intricate and tougher than the last. Persephone had broken through them all though to claim Hades’s heart. If anyone could help her with Thanatos, it was her mother.
Her family knew where Thanatos lived too. She could return home and learn the trick to winning his heart, and then go to his castle to lay siege to it.
Thanatos jerked to his left, scowling over her head in the direction of another tunnel, one that led deeper into the mountain. His face darkened further and his growl echoed around the cavern, sending a shiver down her spine, and then he was moving. She turned and began to lift her hand, let it fall back to her side as he stormed away from her, picking up speed.
He wasn’t going to follow her?
She began in the same direction, worried that Thanatos would be stuck in this realm for longer than necessary or might end up attacked by the Keres again. Who would tend to his wounds then? Who would have his back and help him fend off the death spirits?
The Messenger was quick to step into her path, his placid face an unreadable mask.
“Home is in the other direction, my lady.” He pressed his hand to his chest again, dipping his head.
She stared at his face, into his eyes, trying to see the feelings that Thanatos claimed he had. They were empty, no trace of emotion in them. She shook her head. Thanatos had been desperate to stop her from leaving him, must have said whatever had come into his mind in an attempt to make her wary of the Messenger and remain with him instead.
Messengers didn’t have feelings.
She knew this one well and could remember him clearly now she was no longer afraid of looking back at her life. He had served her for her entire life up until her death, and not once had she seen even the barest hint of emotion in him.
“But… Thanatos.” She pointed towards the tunnel, aching with a need to follow him.
The Messenger looked over his shoulder. “The god of death has made his choice.”
It struck her that he had.
She had given Thanatos an ultimatum, and he had chosen to leave her.
That hurt.
Calindria stared at the tunnel he had disappeared into, the ache to follow him becoming an ache to get away from this place. Hurt turned to anger in her just as it had in Thanatos, the darkness swift to latch on to it and fill her mind with wretched thoughts that carved great holes in her heart.
She turned her back to the tunnel and followed the Messenger as he led her towards the other exit, her thoughts swallowing her. She had given herself to Thanatos and had thought that what they had shared had meant something to him, but apparently not.
Calindria sighed as they stepped out from the tunnel, into the long valley, trudged along behind the Messenger as she thought about Thanatos, about how he had smiled at her, how happy he had looked when he had woken to find her watching over him. How loved she had felt when he had looked at her like that, as if she was the source of his happiness.
“It will not be long until you are home,” the black-haired male said, breaking into her thoughts.
She shrugged.
Felt his eyes on her.
He fell back into step with her. She didn’t bother to look at him, just kept walking, following his lead. She paid more attention to the ground than she did to her surroundings as she tried to figure out if she had been mistaken about Thanatos.
“The palace has changed much since you were last there, but we will be able to find a place for you. Your parents have built homes for all your brothers. I am sure they will build you such a home too.”
She nodded. A home of her own would be nice. She pictured the one she had always dreamed of owning, set in a wild and beautiful land, one that was green and bright, and colourful.
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