by Kyle Autumn
“I’m the little spoon tonight,” she states, putting her back to me and grabbing my arm to throw over her middle.
Once she’s settled, I tug her closer. She pulls the blanket up around us, and then we relax into a comfortable position. Her dark hair tickles my nose as I breathe her in—sunshine and lemon, her normal scent. I haven’t noticed how much I’m addicted to it until this very second though. How much I always think of her when I smell something lemon. How much I love lemon poppy seed muffins because of her. Goodness—has my whole life centered around this woman? At least the last fourteen years have.
“You don’t love this like I do?” she asks, a slight shake in her voice. She might have been able to hide it from someone who doesn’t know her like I do, but she didn’t hide it from me.
Luckily, we’re lying on our right sides. So, when my eye starts to tear up, the pillow catches the moisture before it can roll down my cheek.
I grip her hand and link our fingers together. “You know I do,” I softly and quietly admit.
“Then why aren’t you giving this a serious shot?”
On an exhale, I rush my words out. “Patti, you know exactly why—” But they still don’t come out before she shoots my bullshit excuse down.
“Your parents. I get it.” She scoots around on the bed to snuggle deeper into her pillow, her frustration radiating from her. “I just think we’re worth the risk. You, Zed, are worth fighting for.”
I squeeze her fingers so she knows I heard her, but I have nothing to say. No words will ever convey how much I agree but how little I can do about it. Nothing I can say will stop my heart from racing, my brow from sweating, or my tears from dripping. I’m scared to death of all of it, and the coward part of me wishes it’d all go away. That it hadn’t started in the first place. Maybe even that I were normal and hadn’t fallen for my best friend, who happens to be another woman.
But none of that can come true. It happened. I fell. And I’ll lose everything I’ve ever known if anyone else finds out. Nothing, not even the promise of sleeping like this every night, makes the idea of telling my parents not terrifying. And, as Patti’s breathing evens out and she falls asleep, I worry myself into fitful dreams of complete darkness and being lonely and alone forever.
Chapter 7
Zo
When I wake up the next morning, I realize I must have finally hit a deep sleep. The sun is up, my pillow is covered in drool, and dark hair is fanned all over my chest. Dark hair that smells like lemon and sunshine when I take a deep breath of her. Then I remember we’re at Lyra’s place and I startle.
“Relax, Zed. They’re already gone,” Patti reasons, holding me in place with her arm around my middle. “I heard them leave for work a long-ass time ago. And I called in sick to work.”
I still scoot out from under her and sit up against the headboard, rubbing my eyes. “Why didn’t you wake me up?”
Propping herself on her elbow, she says, “Because you don’t have to work today and I wanted to spend more time with you like that. So sue me.” The smirk she gives me kills any comeback I might have had.
I can’t help but give her a small one back. She knows my work schedule and wants to be with me. It’s so cute that my heart about bursts.
But then my smirk drops off my lips. “We can’t keep doing this.”
“And I can’t keep telling you that we can,” she tells me, picking at the blanket, her gaze on her fingers. “Because we can—you don’t seem to think it’s worth it.”
Shaking my head, I say, “I’ve already told you.”
She pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs. “This is so not how I wanted to start this day.” Then she sits up, folding her legs in front of her. “Look. I’ve already told you that I love you. You’ve made it pretty clear that you’ve at least thought about loving me. And I get that your parents will be upset that you’re pursuing a relationship with a woman.” She takes my hand in hers and links our fingers. “But I’m not just any woman. Your parents love me. They trust me and know me. And I’ll be right there by your side, next to you, when we tell them. Together.”
I squeeze her fingers, but it’s more because my heart is racing and the room is starting to spin. Shutting my eyes, I attempt to take steady breaths, but the focus on my breathing is actually making things worse. Too much air enters my lungs and not only does the room spin faster, but I’m lightheaded now. So I bend my legs and bring them in close to my body to hug them tight to me, which means letting Patti’s hand go. Which also means she notices how badly I’m freaking out.
“Hey,” she coos, sitting next to me and putting an arm around my shoulder. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“You didn’t,” I say between panting breaths, but that’s all I can say before I break down into tears. I put my head on my knees and cry.
“What’s going on?” Patti squeezes me to her. “Come back to now, Zed.”
But it’s too late. Not another one… I can’t breathe anymore. I’m about to pass out, I want to crawl out of my skin, and my heart is about to pound right out of my chest. Honestly, I think I’m dying. This might be it. And, even though it’s fucking terrifying, if I’m about to die, this is the only place I want to be. Right here in Patti’s arms. In fact, the last act of my life will be the truest one of all.
I raise my head and take her lips with mine. They’re wet from tears, and the kiss is frantic because I can’t breathe, but it’s my favorite one yet. It’s raw and real, full of everything I feel for this woman. It’s passionate, all lips and tongue, hands everywhere they can possibly go. It drives me to stretch my legs out then get onto my knees and straddle her to take this kiss deeper.
As I cup her face and sweep my tongue inside her mouth, she grips my waist and digs her fingers into my hips. I think back to what she said to me yesterday, that I should do whatever feels right. Right now, I feel like letting loose and riding her, so I do. I grind against her for some friction on my clit as I unhook my bra. That spurs her to do the same, and soon, our naked breasts brush against each other in delicious contact.
We’ve been naked together before, but when she inches her hands down to remove my panties, it feels like the first time. Like this time is going to be the best we’ve had. And I’m right. As soon as our panties are gone, we return to each other and her thumb goes straight to my clit. At the same time, she sucks one of my nipples into her mouth and nibbles. A moan falls from my lips, and one of my hands goes into her hair as the other one presses behind me on the bed to hold me up.
As much as I love this, we’ve already done this stuff. I’m ready for more—so much more—when it comes to Patti. So I let her know.
“I want your fingers inside me,” I tell her near her ear.
Her finger on my clit stills and her lips pop off my nipple. Then she looks at me. Nods. And lays me down, trailing kisses over my breasts. While kissing up my neck, she spreads me open, rubs her fingers down my slit, and slides one finger around the rim of my opening.
“So wet,” she groans, her lips brushing my ear. She gently bites my earlobe before sucking on it.
And then a finger slips inside me. Three swipes of my G-spot later and I’m coming on her hand, my body so oversensitive that that’s all it takes. I shudder through an intense, earth-shattering orgasm that reminds me that I didn’t die. I’m still here. With my girl. That relief makes me feel more alive than I’ve ever felt. And I realize that’s how I always feel with her. Nervous and worried as hell otherwise, but with Patti, I’m exhilarated. Buzzing and teeming with life. Not just because I’m with her. Because of her.
This gives me the confidence to scoot back so her fingers leave me and rise to crawl up over her. When our gazes meet, there’s a fire in her eyes. A possessive spark full of surprised shock that I’m now taking control. But, considering I thought I was about to die, anything after this moment is a bonus, and I’m going to take full advantage of it.
I pull her down the bed with me so she can li
e flat. As I hover over her, I bring my lips down and kiss her while she holds my waist. Her hands glide up my back to press me closer to her, and I move down her body, kissing over her collarbone and all around her breasts until I reach the apex of her thighs. When I place a kiss there, she lets her legs fall open, props herself up on her elbows, and watches me.
Shyness should take over. I should shut down and worry about doing something I’ve never done all wrong. But I don’t. Patti’s gaze on me gives me all the confidence I need to spread her open and dip my tongue inside. And holy shit. Her sweet, tangy flavor explodes on my taste buds, and I dive right back in for more. Getting comfortable, I swipe my tongue through her folds, flatten it out, and really explore. She keeps her gaze on me until the tip of my tongue finds her clit. Then she throws her head back and moans.
“Right there,” she tells me as I grip her under her backside with my free hand. “Keep going.”
Her encouragement spurs me on. I flick it, suck on it, lick it, and swirl around it. When she arches her back, I even nibble on it a little. But then one of her hands slides over my head and holds me there, so I stiffen my tongue and find a steady rhythm to satisfy my girl. Which I do, thank you very much.
With a tight tug on my hair, she finds her release, and I seal my mouth over her to help her ride it out. Ride it out, she does—grinding against my face and moaning as her thighs quiver and her climax soars through her body.
Once she relaxes back onto the bed, I kiss the insides of her thighs and then work my way up. Gentle, soft kisses over her hip and on her side, where she has to stop me as she squirms and giggles.
“Oh, that’s right. You’re ticklish there,” I say, remembering how I figured that out one night during our junior year of high school.
With her head resting on the bed, she turns her gaze down to me, a shy, girly smile on her lips. “Mmhmm.”
I kiss her there once more anyway, and she laughs lightly, which is music to my ears. Then I lick a path from her navel to up between her breasts. Moving to the right, I twirl my tongue over her nipple, and a soft, quiet sigh leaves her mouth. When I put my lips on hers, she sweeps her tongue into my mouth, and knowing she can taste herself on me sends a lightning bolt of lust right between my legs.
She hums her approval, her lips curling into a grin against mine. “I never would have guessed you’ve never done that before.”
“Who says I haven’t done that before?” I tease.
Pulling away, she stares up at me, raising an eyebrow. Falling onto my side, I dissolve into giggles though, because obviously, I haven’t. And she knows that. She knows me better than anyone.
Her eyebrow relaxes. In fact, her whole face settles into a softer expression. “That’s the Zed I know and love. The one who laughs, not cries.” She rolls onto her side, props herself up on an elbow, and traces her fingers down my rib cage. “What happened back there?”
I almost forgot how awful and scary that felt. Almost. But being with her this way relieves a lot of it. Makes those feelings and that worry fall away.
“Panic attack,” I say, looking away from her.
She freezes. “You say that like it’s not the first time it’s happened.”
I suck my bottom lip into my mouth, still not making eye contact with her.
“Zo.” She flattens her hand on my side and shakes me. “What’s going on?”
“What isn’t going on?” I mumble.
Her sigh is long. “This doesn’t have to be this complicated. You’re going to worry yourself to death if you don’t just make a decision. I know exactly how you work, but I had no idea it was this bad. And I wouldn’t have pushed it or told you how I felt if—”
I stop her with a kiss. We’re at a bit of an awkward angle, but I don’t care. I bring my hand to her head and keep her close, sweeping my tongue past her lips to tangle with hers. While we kiss, I realize I need to decide. I wouldn’t have anything to decide if she hadn’t pushed and told me how she felt. But I’m glad I do. I’m freaking thrilled, actually. Over the moon that, even though this makes me different and it’ll be weird for other people, I have a real shot at happiness. This woman and what we have, I now understand, is way more important than fear and worth much more than living without her to please other people.
I’ve been miserable while trying to push my feelings down and pretend I don’t love another woman. But I do. Not any woman. The best one I know. The best one I’ll ever know. The one who’s been there for me for more than half of my life. The one my parents already know and love. Patti has a point there. So maybe this won’t be as bad as I thought.
“Don’t say that,” I say against her lips. “I’m fine. And I’m even better now that I know that this is real. I’ve felt crazy for a long time, and yes, I freak out about everything.” I tuck some hair behind her ear and then cup her neck. “But all of that melts away with you.”
This time, she kisses me. It’s short, but our connection is intense. Then she pulls back and looks me dead in the eyes. “What does that mean? You have to spell it out for me. Plain English.”
I blink a few times, gathering my thoughts and calming my racing heart. “It means,” I say before needing to suck a big breath of air in. “It means I want this. Me and you.” A small smile spreads on my lips. “Us.” Then I kiss her lips to seal the deal.
***
Patti
Holy hell on wheels. This is happening. It’s really fucking happening. The woman of my dreams is kissing me, and she just declared us a couple. Like, a real fucking couple. I don’t know what that looks like in the scheme of things, but right now, it looks like the two of us naked, in bed, and epically happy. That’s all there is to it, and that’s all there needs to be. Just us.
But Zo’s cell phone rings in her purse, which is on the chair in the corner. So it looks like this happy bubble isn’t going to last all that long.
“It could be work or my parents,” she reasons as she scrambles off the bed and goes over to her purse. “Hey. Lyra,” she says into the phone, a little out of breath as she peeks back at me. “What’s up?”
I’d like to think that was because of me, but it could be from how she kind of rushed to answer the call. Either way, I’m up and standing behind her in seconds. If this is the last of our happy bubble, we’ll be skin to skin. That’s for sure.
I don’t hear what Lyra says, but it doesn’t matter. This girl just agreed to be mine, so I wrap my arms around her middle from behind her and rest the side of my head on her shoulder.
“No, not at all,” Zo replies. But there’s a lot of pep in her voice.
I brush my fingers across the bare skin of her stomach, thinking my touch might relax whatever she’s worrying about right now. All it does, though, is make her giggle.
“Stop!” she says around a laugh, swatting at my hand.
This time, I can make part of Lyra’s response out. “I’ll just call you—”
“No, it’s fine!” Zo spins around and out of my grasp. “Seriously,” she says to Lyra—though she’s looking at me. Then she exits the room and closes the door behind her.
I can’t hear the rest of her conversation. But I’m one hundred percent sure she’s not telling our friend what just happened in the spare room of her apartment. Nor is it likely she’s mentioning that she’s not single anymore. Which is something I won’t soon let her forget.
Should I get dressed? Or should I wait for her to come back and decide if she wants more? Some things will need to be in her hands. Otherwise, I might scare her off. She already knows how deeply I feel for her, but that doesn’t always translate in words. Yes, I used the word love. That was just a week ago though, and this new panic attack thing is enough to make me want her in a bubble where nothing can hurt her or freak her out. Including me.
So I won’t push the love issue, but I’m not going to let this hang between us with no forward movement anymore. No, this is happening now. We’re both on that page, and we won’t go backwards. I won�
�t let us. It’s a matter of how far forward she’s willing to go. That can make or break us.
She comes back in the room, her phone at her side, and closes the door. It’s a lot more silent in here now for some reason. Like the lack of sound sticks out more now that we’ve been interrupted. And I’d do a lot of bad things to find out what she’s thinking right now. But I can’t push the woman who breaks down into panic attacks without the fear of hurting her. So I stare at her and wait. She’s naked though, so it’s not a hardship. Not that it would be if only her eyes were visible, but hey.
When she releases a breath, I expect her to finally speak. And she does. Thank goodness. That silence was getting louder and louder.
“That was Lyra,” she says, stating the damn obvious.
“I’m aware,” I slowly reply. “Everything okay?”
She nods once. Quickly. “We should find what we’re wearing to Shiree’s party tonight. I don’t think she’ll call you, but she wanted to make sure we’ll still be there.”
“That one loves control,” I mumble, rolling my eyes. But I nod at Zo. “Okay. We’ll head to the mall. I guess we’ll Uber it and then go get your car.”
When she swallows, the gulp is audible. “Together?” she questions.
I draw my eyebrows down. “Of course together. We do most things together, don’t we?”
Her eyes flash wide before she schools her features. Then a smirk takes her mouth over before she can stop it. I love how her emotions always play out over her face. She can’t hide much from me.
“We do a lot more together now,” I say, taking the few steps over to her. I snake my arms around her waist and glide my hands down her backside to pull her closer to me. “But let’s be open about this with each other. We can take this as fast or as slow as you want—as long as we move forward.”
