“You know, if you ever want to stay in and chill, I mean back home, just tell me. I’d be fine with that.”
“Really?”
“Hell yeah really.”
“I don’t want to bore you.”
“Well, I don’t want to tire you out.”
“You don’t. Not at all.”
“Good. You don’t bore me.”
“But I’m such a lame nerd.”
“You’re my favorite lame nerd ever. I totally geek out over you.”
This seems to make her pretty happy. “I did bring a little something along, just in case it rained.” She gets up for her purse.
“If it’s handcuffs, you are officially not lame, not even close.”
She reaches inside the bag, fishes around, for something, shaking her head.
“It’s gummy bears, isn’t it?”
“I do have them, you want some?”
“Maybe later.”
She pulls out a deck of cards and holds them up. “Still lame?”
“Depends. What’d you have in mind? Go Fish? Slapjack?”
“Possibly. Or…”
After beating my ass at Blackjack twenty times, she suggests Texas Hold’em. I tell her I’d rather play Go Fish, because it’s something I play regularly with Charlie and if she beats me at that somehow I’ll feel like I can retain a little dignity, more so than if she wins at poker. After last night, if I can’t leave this place with my dignity in tact, and a sense that I deserve this woman, then I don’t even want to know what that’ll do to me.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Nina
“Well that’s a shame,” I say, shuffling the deck of cards on top of the bedspread.
“Why’s that,” he asks, rubbing his hands together. “Don’t tell me you suck at Go Fish.”
“Nope. I was going to suggest Strip Poker. But now I’m excited about Go Fish.”
He tightens his jaw, grinning. “Oh, you little tease.” He swipes the cards off the bed, knocks the empty plates to the carpet and lunges towards me.
I squeal, even though he’s doing exactly what I need him to do. This quiet tension that’s been building inside of me since last night needs to be released, transformed, and he is surely the most adept, sexiest alchemist alive. He scoops me up in his arms and carries me…to the dresser across the room. Oh God yes. The one piece of furniture in this room we haven’t done it on yet.
He is rough and animalistic, looking up at me with eyes full of heat as he sets my ass down on top of the dresser. I guess not having sex with me last night was harder on him than I thought it would be, because he is—hard. Wow, he is so hard against my thigh as he kisses my neck. I try to unbutton his jeans, but he pushes my hand away, pulls his shirt off over his head and drops his pants in one swift movement.
I knew from the moment I first saw him that he could get naked fast, but that was the fastest I’ve seen him do it so far. Before I have a chance to reach for his cock, he growls and yanks my lounge pants and panties down, the shock making me jump a little so he can pull them off past my ass and to the floor. I start to raise my arms so he can remove my top and bra, but he is already pushing inside of me. I gasp, but I am already so wet for him, it only hurts for a second, and once he’s thrusting into me, the dresser slamming against the wall, his hands holding me in place by the hips, I forget everything.
There was no last night, there’s no rain, there are no questions, there is no end to this summer, there is only this.
His breathy grunting, the heat between us, the savage need to be a part of each other in a way that’s so uncomplicated, the only word I can remember now is yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Blissed-out after showering, tangled up in each other on the bed, I feel emboldened enough to risk the question.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“Is there anything else that I should know about you? Anything you’re afraid of telling me?”
“What? What do you mean?”
“I don’t want you to get upset.”
“I’m not.”
“When you were out in the lobby, Russell mentioned something.”
“Oh that sounds promising.”
“Something Sadie told him.”
“I knew it. I knew something was up.”
“I just don’t like him knowing something that I don’t. If that’s the case.”
“Yeah. Fucking principals. You know, when I was in high school the guy was always trying to “make an example” out of me.”
“The principal?”
“He was a dick. I know they aren’t all like that, but I guess I have a bias against them. She knew that, too. I’m not saying that’s why she started with him, but…I wouldn’t put it past her.” The way he says “she” when he’s referring to Sadie. He can’t even say her name right now.
“Wait, so it has to do with the principal of your high school?”
“Not exactly.” He sighs.
Here we go.
He sits up and looks down at my face, I’m sure I look so worried. I sit up too, pull my legs up to my chest and hug them in.
“It’s really not that big of a deal, honest. You know my Mom died when I was fourteen, after being sick for about a year. I was really close to her, you know, total mama’s boy. Gabe went off to college the next year, dealt with things his own way, so it was just me and my Dad, who just threw himself into his business. I don’t blame him for that, it’s just that I was a mess.”
“I’m sure,” I say, putting my hand on his knee, the other over my heart.
“I was just angry all the time. I was out all the time, not with a rough crowd exactly, but they were older and they weren’t the good kids. I never actually messed around in school, but the principal kept picking on me even though he knew my Mom had died, and I just kept getting more and more angry, drinking and just fucking around, and one day after school I was in a corner store with my friends and this asshole who was pissed at me because the girl he liked was into me, he kept taunting me and said ‘aww why don’t you go cry to your mommy—oh wait you can’t.’ It was so stupid but I just lost it. I punched him and we got into a fight, I pushed him and knocked over a bunch of shelves in the store and the shelves hit the store window, which shattered, and it was a big loud mess.
The guy’s arm was broken and he had a black eye but he was mostly being a spaz because he couldn’t fight for shit. The owner of the store and the guy’s parents pressed charges. So I was arrested when I was fifteen, that’s the big awful thing, and I’m sure it set off a bunch of alarms in your ex’s head, but that was the only incident like that. Wait, that’s not exactly true. I got into a bar fight when I was twenty, but the guy was a buddy of mine and we were both being drunk idiots, so it wasn’t a big thing, it was just stupid. Other than that, I used to sleep around a lot, but you knew that.”
“Wait, but were you…incarcerated?”
“No. I mean, I was detained after I was arrested. The judge was pretty understanding of my situation, so I was sentenced to community service and probation and mandatory anger management counseling and my Dad had to pay the kid’s medical bills and to fix up the store. I paid him back as soon as I started making money from bucket drumming.”
“Were you afraid to tell me about all that?”
“Not at all, it’s just not something that usually comes up in conversation. I didn’t go to jail. I don’t have a record. I could run for public office if I wanted to. And after Charlie was born I stopped drinking so much. After Clara left, I started seeing Dr. Glass again regularly for a while, because I wanted to make sure I never snapped at him if I was in a mood, and I haven’t.”
“So you have a therapist?”
“The social worker I started seeing when I was fifteen. She eventually got another degree and started a private practice. She’s cool, you’d like her. I don’t always agree with her. At least, I don’t always take her advice. I hardly
ever take her advice actually, but…” He looks at me and suddenly takes in a sharp breath. “I have never physically hurt anyone since that bar fight, and I would never, ever hurt you. You have to believe me.”
“I do.”
“Do you?”
I nod. “How many walls have you punched?” I tried to say it without sounding accusatory.
“Well. I’ve smashed a few inanimate objects over the years and I am not proud of that. I’m not perfect. I’m not trying to be. It’s like those Rumi poems you gave me, I’m just trying to have the feelings and use my feeling words, and all that…crap.”
I laugh.
“I do like Dr. Glass, but I hate therapy, I really do. I just want to be able to deal with my anger in a way that doesn’t hurt anybody. Or things.”
I put my hand on his face.
“Does that change anything for you?”
I shake my head and kiss him. “Lucky for you, I’ve spent a lot of my life with a secret crush on Dallas Winston.”
“Thank God.” He kisses me back. “Wait—who?”
“He’s a character from The Outsiders. You must have read it in school.”
“Wait—he’s the one who was an actual criminal who was in gangs.”
“Well, I’m not literally comparing you to him, it’s just…Okay, if I’m being honest, it was more Matt Dillon from the movie.”
“Matt Dillon? You could run into him like at any time around New York, I always see him around.”
“You do?...Wait, are you actually jealous of my crush on early-Eighties Matt Dillon?”
“No. Maybe. I don’t want anyone else touching you.”
“I don’t want anyone else touching you.” I kiss him again.
He starts to pull my top off.
“Wait, wait.” I kiss him three more times and then stop. “I have to ask one more thing.”
He says nothing, just waits for it.
“Do you really think it was fate that we met?”
“Well, I’ve never been this lucky, and my karma cannot be that great.”
I wrap my arms around him and hold him so tight.
I feel so much love for him, I check the skin on my bare arms, because it feels like it should be oozing out of me, I can’t possibly contain it all. Immediately following this rush of love is a fear that makes me feel ashamed. I feel ashamed that I can’t get past the fear and I feel angry at myself, my first boyfriend, Sadie and Russell for doubting that what I have with Vince is anything more than a rebound. He deserves so much pure love and I want to give it to him, but what I have right now is a potent cocktail of emotions. If I cut myself I am certain that my blood would be bright blue, the color of the Adios Motherfucker he made me that first night. The fact that I have even had that thought terrifies me and I feel my whole body shivering.
“Nina,” he says, rubbing my arms. He rests his forehead against mine. “Nina, I—”
I cover his lips with mine and kiss him.
No more words.
I can’t take anymore.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Vince
Dr. Glass doesn’t seem anywhere near as surprised as I am that I called to schedule an appointment ASAP once I got back home.
“So, I decided to keep seeing Nina. The ex-fiancée of the guy that Sadie’s been dating.”
She nods once and blinks, but this is also no surprise to her. “How’s that going?”
“It’s good, actually. It’s really good. It might be great.” I have this huge grin on my face and my knee’s bouncing up and down like it always does when I’m here. “I had a talk with my Dad last night. About wanting to become a partner someday. At his firm.”
She smiles and makes a note. “That’s quite significant.”
“I know. It means more training, then I’d be Senior VP, then partner. I used to want to keep my options open, in case some other career opportunity came along that was more interesting to me. But now I’m not afraid to go all-in with the family business, especially if it means more money, even if it means more responsibility.” I have to take a breath before I continue, but I look up at Dr. Glass and I know she knows what I’m going to say next. “I want to be able to provide for someone one day. Not someone. Nina. Just her. I’m in love with her. I’m so fucking head-over-heels in love with her. Sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize for swearing. Especially in that context. Have you told her how you feel?”
“Not in so many words. I almost did. I want to. I don’t want to scare her off.”
“I’m sure that wouldn’t be an issue.”
“You don’t think things are happening too fast?”
“I didn’t say that. Regardless. All in good time. It’s lovely to see you feeling this way. I’m happy for you.”
“I like feeling this way. I do. But I also hate it.”
“How so?”
“I mean, you know me, I’m a confident guy.”
“Sure.”
“And it’s not that she makes me feel insecure, it’s just that I feel like I need to be better for her, but I might not get the chance.”
“Why wouldn’t you get the chance?”
“Because. Like an idiot, I told her at first that we should just spend the summer together. You know. A summer rebound. Two months seemed like a long time for something that was obviously a bad idea.”
“And now?”
“Now I keep looking at the calendar, and it’s like each day that we get closer to each other we’re also getting closer to the end. I feel like time’s running out.”
“I see.” She is scribbling madly in her notebook. “Vince. Can you think of another situation in your life when you felt like time was running out with someone that you loved?”
“You mean when my Mom was dying? It is so not the same thing. Not even close. Why would you say that?”
“Perhaps I misspoke. I don’t mean that the situation is the same. But the feelings that are coming up.”
I wince.
“Do you see how this is an abandonment issue?”
I don’t answer her. If this is supposed to be an aha moment, it’s pretty underwhelming.
She sighs. “Vince, we all have abandonment issues to some degree, we all have different coping mechanisms for dealing with loss. Being in a serious relationship brings up all of our feelings, all of our issues, and it’s not a bad thing. They have to come up so that we can recognize them and deal with them. Sometimes, we even subconsciously create situations that will move this process along. But we need to find an effective way of dealing with them. Even when you’re happy. Especially when you’re happy. So we can ensure that you have the proper tools for when you get…not happy.”
Not happy. This is what she gets paid two hundred bucks per forty-five minutes for.
“Please let me help you find what works for you. I can give you this early morning slot if you’d like.”
Decent pitch.
I drop my head back and groan like Charlie when it’s bedtime.
I will do this. I will do this for Nina. At this point, it’s pretty much the grandest gesture I can make and it will be so boring and it will suck ass and she probably won’t even know I’m doing it for her.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Nina
“It sounds like a French movie. One I’d actually want to watch.”
“Well, it wasn’t like that at all. It was more like an indie horror film.”
“Did Russell show you his tattoo?!”
Marnie is entirely too obsessed with this, and I really shouldn’t have told her, but who else can I talk to about it, and also we’re out for a morning jog and she said we could stop for gelato if I tell her what I so clearly didn’t want to tell her about the weekend getaway.
“Of course not.”
“Oh my God, we have to listen to every Amy Winehouse song and figure out what line it is.”
“Marn. Promise me you won’t tell anyone at school about any of this.”
“Please. Have you ever heard me gossip about anything with anyone other than you?”
“No. Oh my God it’s so humid. Can we take a break?”
“Yeah, one minute.”
We slow down to pace around and replenish fluids at an intersection.
“What does Sadie look like, though? Because now I’m picturing like, a young blonde Angelina Jolie.”
I love Marnie, but I glare at her.
“Sorry. I’m sure you’re way more beautiful.”
“She’s like the shark in Jaws. At first, she was just this scary unknown thing lurking beneath the surface, and now she’s bigger and scarier than I’d ever imagined.”
“Ugh. You’re gonna need a bigger boat.”
“Exactly.”
“Aww, honey, but you guys are in love. That’s the biggest boat there is.”
“I don’t know if he is.”
“You are.”
“I’m so in love with him,” I whisper, like I’m admitting defeat. “I’m a basketcase.”
I shake my head, and glance across the street, and suddenly I can’t breathe.
“What?” Marnie follows my gaze.
I bolt over behind the entrance to the store on our corner, already drowning in adrenaline and cortisol. I wave Marnie over, in a panic.
“What is happening?”
Vince is unlocking the door to an empty restaurant space across the street, and Sadie is standing next to him. I can’t speak.
“Oh fuck—is that Vince? Oh shit—is that Jaws?”
I cover my mouth. I may throw up. I peek around and see Vince go into the restaurant. Sadie follows him.
Marnie steps out, hand on her hips, and stares across the street. “Honey, honey. Come on. This doesn’t mean anything. She probably just showed up and he can’t get rid of her.”
“Can you see them?”
“No. The door’s closed and the windows are papered-over most of the way. This is dumb. You’re getting all worked-up and it’s probably nothing. Let’s go over there.”
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