by Jillian Dodd
Phillip: You. Are. An. Idiot. Who needs to grow a set.
I let myself in my house, pace up and down the hall, and then decide he’s right.
Me: Any chance you’d want to sneak out?
Jennifer: Maybe …
My kids text all the time. Damon is always sending winky faces to some girl. But I realize I don’t understand the subtle art of textual flirting. The younger guys in the locker room talk about it. Like what dot, dot, dot means. Netflix and chill. There are so many code words for hooking up. I suppose it’s not any different than a girl who wanted to come over and see my trophies or any of the other excuses we’d make up when we only wanted one thing.
The problem is, I don’t want just one thing from Jennifer. I want it all. And that’s not something I can convey in a text. Especially when I don’t even know how to tell her that in person.
My phone lights up with another text. I’m hoping it’s from Jennifer, so I’ll know what maybe dot, dot, dot means, but it’s my daughter.
Devaney: We’re at her house for the night. Thanks for letting me go to the sleepover, Dad. I really appreciate it. I’ll text you in the morning.
Me: Thanks for letting me know. Have fun. Love you.
I jump at the sound of a knock.
When I open the front door, Jennifer’s standing there. Apparently, maybe dot, dot, dot means yes.
Jennifer
“Cookies,” I say, holding out a plate. My cheeks are flushed from running over here in the cold, dark night. “Jadyn gave them to me as a bedtime snack. Thought you might want to share.” I don’t add in bed, but it’s what I’m thinking.
“I’d love to,” Danny says, grinning.
He leads me through the house to the kitchen. My head is on a swivel as I try to take it all in. To see where Danny lives.
He opens the fridge and takes out the milk. “Not spilling it this time,” he teases as he pours us each a glass and then sits next to me at the island.
“These cookies are amazing,” I say after taking a few bites. “What all is in them?”
“Natural peanut butter, vegan chocolate, gluten-free oatmeal, coconut sugar, cashews. For a cookie, it’s actually pretty healthy.”
“Is there anything Jadyn can’t do? She makes motherhood and having a career look effortless.”
Danny laughs. “She gets plenty stressed. Says baking relieves it. You know she’s stuck on a project when she starts baking up a storm. Sometimes, in the middle of it, she just leaves the mess, walks away, and starts sketching. She’s been working on my house along with her other projects.”
I look around. The house seems very formal and a bit stuffy. Everything perfectly matched but not. The living room I passed was completely white with crystal chandeliers and a gold baroque wallpaper. The dining room was a bold pink and green, like a Lilly Pulitzer dress. The table was a gorgeous dark chestnut that you barely noticed in the midst of the matched drapery and chair fabrics. The kitchen I’m sitting in is white with glamorous, contemporary blue light fixtures dripping with crystals and a six-burner stove so shiny and clean, I wonder if it’s ever been used. There are white quartz countertops, an elaborate blue floral arrangement on the counter, blue glass tiled backsplash, and a heavy fabric valance that mostly covers the view of the lake.
“Jadyn designed this?” I sweep my hand around, noting the attached family and breakfast room, which are done in an electric-blue-and-gold peacock motif. “That surprises me.”
Danny starts laughing, almost choking on his cookie. He coughs, takes a big drink of milk, and then takes my hand. “I’ll show you what we’ve done so far.”
He leads me up an elaborately carved staircase and to a double door entrance. Based on its placement, I’m guessing it’s the master suite.
I gulp. He’s showing me his bedroom. Yes!
When he flings the door open, what I see is not what I expected. The paint is the color of sand, the ceiling the color of the sky. The bed in the center of the room is covered in a Bohemian print bedding. There’s a desk with a furry chair.
“This used to be the master bedroom,” he explains. “I just … well, after Lori left, I slept on the couch in the family room. I just couldn’t be in here; the thought of her made me sick. Anyway, Jadyn noticed the dark circles under my eyes and got me to confess that I hadn’t been sleeping in my bed in over a month. Of course, she marched over here, took a few measurements, and asked if I was ready for a change. If I wanted to make the house a place that fit me and the kids’ tastes. The house had a guest suite on the main level, almost a second master, so we decided, since Devaney was getting older and she and Damon were already fighting over their shared bathroom, this would be fun for her. We got rid of all her little girl furniture, and Jadyn helped Devaney plan it all out. When she saw the chandelier in her bathroom, she was so happy, she cried. She has a big, private bathroom, a closet that she loves, and a sitting area where she can hang out with her friends.”
“It’s very cool. I bet she loves it.”
“She took the divorce hard,” he says somberly. “This sort of made it a perk. And the fact that Jadyn let her pick out a lot of the pieces herself made it that much better.”
I take a peek in the bathroom. “Wow. This is massive. I love the chandelier, too, and the sparkly blue tiles.”
“Those are new.”
“Did she choose the bathtub, too?”
“No, that was here. I used it all the time even though it’s too small.”
“You take baths? I didn’t think guys did that.”
“Well, when your body hurts, a good soak in a warm tub before bed helps loosen up your muscles.”
I have to bite my lip to get myself to stop imagining Danny hurting and naked. How I would take care of him.
I’m snapped out of my reverie when he shows me a big closet filled with teen designer clothing and then takes me back into the hall.
He shakes his head. “I have no idea what kind of shape this room is in.”
When he opens the door, I view a boy’s room decorated properly with framed sports memorabilia and an oak furniture suite. Matching bed, dresser, desk, and a bookcase filled with more trophies than books.
“We didn’t do anything to this room. He wanted to keep it the way it was. At first, I thought he was just trying to be a good kid, but then he told us what he wanted was a room that he and his friends could play video games in and how he wanted to decorate it the way he wanted. He pulled a stack of rolled up posters out of his closet that his mom would never let him hang on his walls.”
We walk from the bedroom, through a Jack-and-Jill bathroom, and into another bedroom.
“This used to be Devaney’s room. Chase and Damon helped Jadyn paint over the hot pink it used to be. She ripped up all the carpeting on this level and put in wood flooring. She bought them a big area rug and some gaming chairs, and then she gave them a box of thumbtacks and let them go at it. This is the result.”
I take in the poster-filled walls. Everything from video games to sports heroes to girls in swimsuits.
“It’s pretty awesome,” I say because it is. “It also feels like a big eff you to his mom. What does your wife think about this?”
“Oh, she hasn’t seen it. She would not be happy.” He opens another door and shows me an inviting bedroom decked out in soft colors. “This is the new guest room. And, that’s it up here.”
“Do I get to tour the rest of the house?” I ask boldly, moving a little closer to him.
“Yeah,” he says, “come on.”
And I gladly follow.
“So, this has always been my study.”
“Oh, thank God. Finally, a room that looks like you,” I blurt out.
“Like me?”
“Yeah. I just couldn’t imagine you living in this house, kicking back and relaxing. I mean, I live in LA. I’m used to glitz and glamour, but the house felt stuffy. But let’s talk about this room. The color is amazing. It’s like a deeper version of your eye
s. What did it look like before?”
“Well, it was done in a version of my team colors. The wood floor is the same, just stained a darker color. The windows were covered in a red, yellow, and blue check. The chairs were white with pillows that matched the drapes and had red fringe. The ottoman was a coordinating stripe. This is where I like to watch film. Turn on the fire. Lori wouldn’t let me rearrange the furniture so that it faced the TV instead of the fireplace, so it was always a little awkward.”
I take in the rich brown leather chairs, the houndstooth flannel ottoman, and the massive flat screen TV placed above the large wood fireplace. There’s a rich blue-green color on the walls, which is offset by a rug in soft brown, gold, and blue tones.
“And look at this,” he says proudly, opening an armoire. “Jay retrofitted the old TV cabinet into a bar. I have a little ice maker, my good scotch, and glasses right here.”
I take in the bookshelf, running my hand across the spines of the hardcovers, noting the titles. “You like military, thriller, and spy books?”
“Yeah. Sometimes, I need a break from reading playbooks. I’m pretty sure, in another life, I was a spy.”
“Oh, really? Although that doesn’t surprise me. You have charisma for days.”
“Oh, you think?”
I take a step closer to him. “I most certainly do.”
He sucks in a breath and backs away. Nods his head. “Um, I’ll show you my room.”
He slides his fingertips under a bookshelf, opens a hidden door, and directs me through. His bedroom is the same colors as the den, only softer. The bed features a gray tufted headboard and is centered in the room. The mattress is covered with high-thread-count sheets, a simple white comforter, and shams in a rich paisley. A deep blue throw rests at its foot. The walls of the room are dove gray with crisp white trim. It’s both masculine and relaxing.
“I love your bedroom,” I tell him. “I didn’t notice any circles under your eyes. Does that mean you’re finally sleeping?”
“Yes, I am. I spent a ton of time picking out a mattress. I ended up with a memory foam one that just molds around my body. The most comfortable bed ever.”
“I’ve never tried one of those,” I throw out, hoping he’ll offer to let me in it.
Instead, he leads me into a wide hallway. “The bathroom was just completed today. Where my closet and bath are now used to be the guest bath and my wife’s gift-wrapping room.”
“She had a room for nothing but wrapping gifts?”
“Yes, she had rolls of wrap hung on little dowels and a whole lot of ribbons.”
“The color of your study is so unique. And I can see that color is in your bedroom as well, just in a more subtle way. Did you pick the colors?”
“Actually, I sort of did. It was fun. Jadyn took me into my closet and asked me to show her my favorite suit and tie combinations. My two favorite pairs of shoes and one coat. She asked me if there was one piece of furniture, wall color, or item I’d want to keep, what it would be. I said the wood floors and a piece of artwork I bought a while ago that didn’t match Lori’s designs, so it was relegated to the garage.”
“What clothing did you choose?”
We walk into a large closet, full of suits, workout clothing, and a combination of designer and athletic shoes.
“This navy pin-striped suit,” he says, pointing. “This purple-teal-and-gray tie. My favorite brown leather jacket and a pair of brown suede Ferragamo driving shoes. Want to see the bathroom?”
“Yes!” I say a little enthusiastically, thinking about showering with him. But then I see a better alternative. “Now, this is a big tub!” I sit on the side of it and run my hand across its edge.
“It’s got all the bells and whistles,” he says proudly. “Massage jets, air bubbles. And my shower is big enough for my entire offensive line.”
I can’t help but laugh. “If you invited them all, you could probably sell tickets.”
“What if I wanted to be in it alone, with you?” he jokes.
At least, he seems to be joking. He’s chuckling. But that is not something to tease about. I don’t know what to even say. Do I joke back? Or do I strip naked and turn on the water?
“I’m sure I would be amenable to that,” I finally croak out then quickly change the subject. “I like what you’ve done so far. Are you redoing the whole house?”
“I am. It’s funny. The house is sort of following my healing process. Originally, I told Jadyn to just change it. To do whatever she wanted. She chewed me out, big time.”
“Because that’s probably what you said to your wife, and you didn’t love the result.”
“Exactly. As a matter of fact, if you’re still around on Tuesday, it’s my day off. Like, if you’d want to hang out. But part of my day will be spent looking at new kitchen backsplashes, light fixtures, and dishes.”
“That sounds like fun. I’d like to spend the day with you.”
“Perfect,” he says, pulling my hand to his mouth and kissing it. “I guess I’ll finish with the tour.”
And I’m thinking, There’s more? Why does there have to be more? Why couldn’t it have ended in his bedroom? Or that tub?
Danny
Although there is nothing more I would like than to lock my door, throw Jennifer on the bed, and have my way with her, I find myself leading her down the stairs to continue the house tour.
Jadyn’s right. I am a pussy.
“Where are we going?” she asks, looking forlorn.
“Uh, you haven’t seen my favorite part of the house yet,” I reply, showing off the home theater and bar.
It’s surreal, having her in my house. Her shoulder-length blonde hair shimmers under the light, much like it did under the moonlight. I wish I could turn back time. But then I don’t. I love my children and can’t imagine a life without them.
“Oh, wow,” she says upon entering my home gym. “This is like the shrine to Danny Diamond.”
“Lori didn’t want this tacky stuff in the house, so it had been in storage. Jadyn made me put it up on the walls. A lot of guys on the team have game rooms decorated with memorabilia, but I prefer it in my gym. I’m down here every single day, and it helps both motivate me and remind me of how far I’ve come.”
She glides her hand along the chair rail, taking it all in, and it makes me nervous, like she’s somehow inspecting my life.
“I have a little yoga room where I mediate and practice. This is like that for you. Your shrine to all things football. I take that back. It’s your shrine to winning, to greatness.”
“Not completely,” I reply, leading her into the room that houses a sauna and bathroom. I point to the wall above the toilet.
“Tell me about this one,” she says, taking in the photo.
My hair and uniform are soaked, clinging to my pads, covered in mud. My head is hanging low. Defeat written across my face.
“Divisional round playoff game six years ago. Played Pittsburgh at home. It was a grueling game, cold, messy. The weather ranged from rain to sleet to snow; the field was a wreck. I had the chance to throw a Hail Mary to a wide-open player in the end zone to win the game. I threw the ball too high. We lost. We were making a second championship run, and I blew it. So, it hangs over the toilet where it belongs.”
“Yet you chose to hang it. Why?”
“Because I never want to feel like that again.”
Jennifer
“Did you feel like that when you found out about your wife’s affair?” I blurt out because that’s exactly how I felt when I saw the video of Troy and those girls.
He blinks and then snaps his head in my direction. “Different,” he mutters out. “It was more like a blindside sack. Something that seemed to come out of nowhere and knocked me on my ass.”
“But did it really come out of nowhere? I mean, I felt that way with Troy, yet I had known it would happen again. How I found out—which was a call from my agent, who’d heard from my publicist—was awful. The way it spr
ead across the internet was bad. My father is an alcoholic, and I swore, I would never be in a relationship with someone who had addiction issues. But I was. And I loved him. But he loved it more than he loved me. Plus, back when we first met, you weren’t happy in your marriage. Did you get happy?”
“I would say that we had settled into a comfortable routine. The beginning of our marriage was rocky, but we worked out the kinks, learned to deal more effectively with each other, and I did love her. We have a beautiful family. People say no marriage is perfect, and mine was a prime example. There were things that pissed her off. I tried not to do them. We sort of carved out our relationship roles. As long as we followed those roles, our relationship was good. I haven’t had a bad life.”
“Me either,” I say. “Just more downs than ups. Like Troy could be really sweet. He was creative and romantic, and that’s a good combination. He made me feel loved most of the time.”
Danny tilts his head in thought. I love that he’s really talking to me about all of this.
“I think maybe that’s the key. How much happiness do we deserve? When is wanting more wrong? Like, we both have high-paying jobs, doing what we love. We live lives others only dream about. We’re blessed. So when you find yourself wanting more, that missing piece of the puzzle that would make your life perfect, you feel guilty. At least, I did. I felt like I should just be happy with all I had. So, even though Lori didn’t end up being my dream girl, we made it work.”
“I feel the same way. I had a rough childhood; we always had just enough but never any extra of anything. Now, I have so much. Sometimes, I wonder, Why me? And, when you have been given so much, asking for more does feel wrong, but I do want more. I’ve decided it’s okay. We’re similar, Danny. Our careers are golden. We love what we do. We’re good at it. But just because we have so much in our professional life, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t strive for equal happiness in our personal life.”
