by Shari Low
‘Mum, you’ve been unhappy for years.’
‘I have. Oh God knows, I have. But I thought… I didn’t realise I’d let it show. Or that you’d picked up on it.’
The corners of Nina’s mouth turned up as she leaned over and put her hand over her mother’s. ‘Mum, I’m a psychiatric nurse. I’d be pretty shite at my job if I hadn’t noticed.’
Bernadette was finding it hard to absorb this unexpected turn of events. ‘But you never said.’
‘Because you didn’t either. Look, Mum, I get it. I love Dad, but I see how you live. I know that there’s no warmth, no real affection. I wasn’t aware of it when I was growing up, but I think as I got older, maybe when I started my training, that I began to notice it. Not to mention the fact that you have nothing in common except us.’
‘I wish you’d said something.’
Nina shrugged. ‘Mum, some people go through their whole lives like that because it’s what works for them. I’m not going to take sides in this, and to be honest, I don’t want to know the details – I think that’s between you and Dad – but I understand and I’ll support you. I just want you both to be happy.’
A lump formed in Bernadette’s throat. ‘How did you get so wise?’
‘Ah, that’s Dad’s genes,’ she joked. ‘I’m kidding! Look, he’s a great surgeon but he had the emotional intelligence of a plant. Oh, God…’
‘What?’
‘Have you met someone else?’
‘No, of course not!’
‘Sorry. I knew the answer to that before I asked it.’
A silence while both of them recalibrated.
Nina’s energy dropped a little. ‘So what did he say when you told him?’
‘I haven’t.’
This time Nina’s reaction came with a very definite edge of shock. ‘You haven’t told him?’
Bernadette shook her head. ‘No. Look, Nina, I’m not going to bad-mouth your father to you, or put you in the middle of us, and there’s no way to make you understand without doing that.’ She didn’t need to know that he was controlling, that he was short-tempered, aggressive, cold, cruel. He’d never shown any of those traits to the kids – if he had she’d have left him years ago. Only her. Her daughter still had a lifelong relationship with her father ahead of her, so she didn’t want to do anything to taint that. And yes, the irony was there. Even now she was still defending him, making sure people only saw him in the best light. ‘You’re just going to have to trust me on why I’m doing it this way, but the reality is that if I tried to tell him in advance, he wouldn’t accept it, Nina,’ she said, desperately hoping her daughter would accept her reasoning without question. ‘So I’m going to move out today, and I’ll tell him when he gets home tonight. It’ll be a done deal. There’s no other way – I just wanted to make sure you knew because I didn’t want to spring that on you, my love.’
Nina leaned over into the playpen to give Milo back the baby elephant that he’d tossed out of his reach. ‘But, Mum, surely you could discuss it with him and do this properly? I mean, for God’s sake, it’s not like he’ll go nuts and wreck the place.’ She finished with a laugh, finding the thought preposterous.
Bernadette didn’t react.
‘Mum…?’ She took Bernadette’s silence, analysed it, interpreted it, and went to the conclusion supported by perception skills honed over years of pulling information out of people who were reluctant to volunteer it. ‘Mum, is Dad violent?’ Every word in the question was seeped in horror. ‘Oh God, Mum, don’t tell me he’s been…’
Bernadette shook her head. ‘No, not violent. He’s never laid a finger on me, I promise, love.’
Nina visibly sagged with relief and Bernadette struggled with how to give her just enough to explain, but not enough to damage.
‘Let’s just say, he hasn’t decided this is to happen, so he’s not going to take it well.’
‘He’s controlling,’ Nina said. It was a realisation, not a question, so Bernadette didn’t reply. This was the nurse talking now, not the daughter. ‘I should have seen that.’
‘Nina, you couldn’t…’
‘I did see it.’
‘What?’
‘Not with you, Mum. With me. When I said I was marrying Gerry. Dad ordered me not to, said he wasn’t good enough, didn’t earn enough, that I could do better. He said there was no way he was letting me marry an electrician, or any other kind of tradesman.’
Now it was Bernadette who was shocked. ‘When? I had no idea! I’m so sorry, pet, I would have said something if I’d known. Oh bollocks – I said I wouldn’t bad-mouth your father to you, but what a pompous arse he is. Gerry’s a great husband and dad – that’s a good man you’ve got there. To be honest, I knew your father wasn’t impressed, but I didn’t think for a minute that he’d share that with you. What did you say?’
Nina shrugged. ‘I told him it was none of his business and I was marrying Gerry whether he liked it or not. That’s why Gerry doesn’t come over so much…’
‘I thought it was because he was always on overtime.’
‘It’s that as well. But Dad has just never made an effort with him. Tolerates him. I thought he was just being overprotective – being a dad – and that he’d chill out eventually. I didn’t realise that it was a sign of something more. I’m sorry, Mum. I should’ve seen it. Do you want me to come over tonight, to be there when you tell him? Gerry is working late but I can get someone to come look after the kids and be with you.’
‘No, love. This is between your father and I and I don’t want you involved. Besides, you shouldn’t have to deal with my dramas.’ A pause. ‘Feels strange saying that. My dramas. I’ve spent my whole life keeping the peace.’
Nina refilled their cups, then sat back down. ‘So where are you going to go? You know you can always come here. There’s an extra bed in Milo’s room…’
For the first time since she got there, Bernadette’s eyes filled with tears. It was the kindness that did it. She could handle aggression, and disdain, and anxiety and unpleasant truths, because that was what she was used to, but the kindness made her soul melt. The gods had been on her side when they’d helped her create this incredible woman in front of her.
‘Thanks, but I’m going to go to Auntie Sarah’s for a while until I find somewhere just for me.’ That thought pushed the tears back. Her own place. Hers. No one looking over her shoulder, no demands, no tension. Just hers. That was the picture she was going to hang on to today until it was all over, the mental image that was going to get her through. That, and the fact that Nina had been so supportive.
Bernadette felt a niggle of guilt. She’d known nothing about Kenneth warning Nina off Gerry. What an arse. Why hadn’t Nina mentioned it? Why hadn’t she known? Had she been so busy keeping the peace and walking on eggshells that she hadn’t noticed what was going on under her nose? Kenneth was forever telling her what a terrible wife she was. She just prayed her kids didn’t think she’d been a crap mum too.
Nina spoke up. ‘Do me a favour then – if it suits, make it near here, Mum. We’d love to have you closer. The boys would love to see you even more. And then when you meet someone else…’
‘Trust me, I’m never going to meet someone else. I’ve have enough of men for a lifetime.’
It was meant as a joke, but there was no hiding the grain of truth in there.
‘Do you think Dad will?’
‘What? Meet someone else? I don’t know. I suppose he will.’ It wasn’t a scenario she’d contemplated, hadn’t thought that far ahead. Over the years, she’d thought he might have played the field at those conventions he went to – heaven knows he was good enough with the charm – but she’d long since ceased to care. God help the poor woman who fell for Kenneth Anderson. Bernadette could see how it could happen. The distinguished, attractive looks, the greying hair that worked just fine for George Clooney. Add in a shade of Piers Brosnan, Sean Connery’s accent and the prestigious medical career, and there was no deny
ing that on the surface, he was a catch. There was every chance that some other woman out there would step into her shoes. Whoever it was, she was welcome to them – but she just hoped that the deluded soul wouldn’t regret it as Bernadette had done.
Nina leaned over and hugged her. ‘As long as you’re okay, Mum. We love you.’
‘I love you too, pet. I can’t tell you how much or how proud I am of you. And thank you. I was dreading telling you all this. I’m so grateful you took it so well.’
‘So what are you going to do now?’ Nina asked, as they both stood up.
Bernadette leaned into the playpen to lift Milo out and give him a hug goodbye.
‘I’m going to tell your brother. I don’t mind telling you I’m not looking forward to it.’
The look of concern on Nina’s face said it all. ‘Yeah, that one might not go quite so smoothly.’
Chapter 12
Lila
The receptionist at the hotel didn’t bat an eyelid when Lila checked in with no luggage, nor when she paid with the company credit card. It was a bit naughty, but her organisation had so many employees that she knew they didn’t go through the credit card statement and query the transactions. It wasn’t like she was charging them for a fortnight in Barbados or a new pair of Jimmy Choos.
These were just little perks of the job.
She could have waited for Ken and let him foot the bill as she’d planned earlier, but she wanted to get in and think about what she was going to do. And anyway, it was already noon, and he clearly wasn’t here yet. Occupational hazard. Surgeries always ran late. It was something she’d need to get used to when they were married.
When she got to the room, she realised her heart was still beating a little faster than usual but she wasn’t sure if that was the double espresso she’d picked up from Starbucks on the way here, or the phone calls she’d made. She paused, did a quick assessment – nope, no regret about making them. Although, she still wasn’t sure what the hell she’d have said if the wife had picked up. Bernadette. She preferred to just call her ‘the wife’. More impersonal. It wasn’t like they were ever going to be friends, although, no doubt their paths would cross at Ken’s family functions in the future.. That was fine. Lila was prepared to be civil and show them all exactly why Ken had moved on and chosen to leave his marriage for her.
Her plans to slip into the bath were shelved when she realised that would be a waste of the black slutty knickers and curve-enhancing bra that he’d asked her to wear. Actually that wasn’t true – he’d just suggested two outfits and told her to wear one of them. She loved that he knew what he wanted and didn’t care that he made demands. It just showed how much he loved her. She’d grown up with her father calling the shots and her mother hanging on his every word, and look how happy they were now.
Not that this was anything like her parents. Urgh, she didn’t want to think about them sneaking to hotels in the middle of the day. No, what she and Ken had was incredible, passionate, dangerous.
Instead, she peeled off her clothes, leaving on just her underwear, stockings and stilettos. Ken could take the rest off when he got there and then he could…
A knock at the door.
This had better not be housekeeping or they were going to have a story to tell their pals down the pub tonight.
She opened the door, and there he was, her gorgeous doctor. In his suit and with his grey hair swept back, he looked like he’d just walked off the set of Grey’s Anatomy. Strolling in, his sexy grin spreading across his face when he saw her outfit.
‘You.’ Kiss. ‘Are.’ Kiss. ‘Bloody.’ Kiss. ‘Irresistible.’
Then another kiss, one that lasted a long time, spread to many parts of her body, until he’d claimed every inch of her. It was his routine, and he rarely veered from it. She wasn’t complaining. He liked things a certain way and the thrill of his commands turned her on like no other guy ever had.
‘Get on top, right now,’ he ordered, and she was happy to oblige. She pushed him back and rode him until they both came, in a shudder of ecstasy that probably contravened the ‘Please respect the other guests by keeping the noise down’ signs in the hall.
Only when they were done, did she realise that he was still fully clothed, only a slightly squinty tie and a lowered zip giving a hint of what had just happened. Not that she cared. It just showed how desperate he’d been to have her that he didn’t even stop to undress.
She slowly dismounted, then kneeled beside him, stroking his face while he played with one of her nipples.
‘You’re amazing,’ he told her. ‘And far too skilled at that for your own good.’
‘It’s a talent,’ she replied, teasing.
‘Do you do that to your other guy?’ His face darkened as he said it and Lila had to stop herself from smiling. He was jealous. Irritated. Good. It was another reason she wouldn’t leave Cammy until Ken was hers – she knew how much he couldn’t stand thinking of her with another man.
She’d told him about Cammy when they met up again after the split and he made it clear that he wasn’t happy about it at all. He’d told her he wanted her to end it, but, for once, she’d refused him. There was no way she wanted to be on her own, like a complete sad case, before Kenneth made his move and they could be together. At least with Cammy around she went out for nice dinners and had a bit of a life. The fact that he was leverage that might nudge Kenneth along a tad quicker was just an extra bonus.
Besides, there was one way for him to make sure that she never slept with anyone but him ever again…
‘Ken, I…’
His eye caught the time on his watch and he immediately unhanded her nipple. ‘I need to go. I’ve got another surgery in an hour.’
He registered the disappointment that fell over her beautiful face and stopped, halfway up, to kiss her, his manner softening as it always did when she pouted. ‘I’ll make it up to you, I promise.’
Hadn’t she heard that so many times before? And how many more times was she going to pretend she believed it?
‘Baby,’ she said, in the breathy voice she knew turned him on, ‘I know we said we wouldn’t talk about it again for a while, but I can’t stand this. I can’t stand not being with you when I want to, I can’t stand sharing you with someone else, I can’t…’
His mood changed instantly. ‘Oh, for Christ’s sake, Lila, you know there’s nothing I can bloody do about…’ He stopped, paused, regrouped. ‘I’m sorry.’ He leaned over, kissed her again. ‘You know I’m working on it. You know I want it every bit as much as you do. But I can’t leave yet. Bernadette… isn’t ready.’
Lila felt a ferocious urge to argue, but bit it back. What was the point? He would only get pissed off and, besides, he was saying yet again how much he wanted to be with her too. That’s why he got so frustrated. It was hard for him, living in a house with a woman he didn’t love. What was Bernadette’s bloody problem? Surely she could see that she wasn’t enough for Ken? Would she ever be woman enough to have the dignity to let him go?
He wanted Lila. She wanted him. This should be so simple. Seven years, she’d waited and her time for waiting was over. It had to be done.
Removing obstacles. Seeing challenges as opportunities. She was going to do this.
He kissed her slowly, passionately before he left. ‘I’m going to make it happen,’ he told her, ‘it just needs to be the right time.’
‘I think that’s now,’ she said, trying not to sound petulant. She decided to play the one card that she knew irked him more than any other. ‘I can’t stand lying next to someone every night that isn’t you.’ It wasn’t strictly true, but she saw the shadow of jealousy cross his face once again. Direct hit.
‘Soon,’ he said, through slightly gritted teeth. ‘When the time is right.’
He kissed her again, then he was gone and it was just Lila, in a faceless hotel, in lingerie that cost more than a week in one of these rooms.
Fucking depressing, she decided. How had her li
fe come to this? If she needed confirmation that action was required, this was it.
Sighing, she pushed herself up, peeled off the underwear and jumped in the shower, only leaving the soothing jets of the water when her phone rang. She stepped out and grabbed it from the vanity unit.
Cammy’s name flashed on the screen. She thought about answering it, then decided to ignore it, then changed her mind again. If it were important, he’d only keep trying until he got her, and if it wasn’t, then she’d get him off the phone quickly.
‘Hi babe,’ she said, doing her very best ‘good girlfriend’ act. No point in stirring things up with him until she had to. She didn’t need two dramas on her hands.
She dried herself off while she spoke.
‘Hey honey, how’s your day going? Busy?’
‘Rushed right off my feet,’ she said, phone under her chin now while she pulled on one of her stockings. ‘I just… finished a really promising call with a cardiac surgeon.’
‘Sounds like you’re killing it out there,’ he said, encouraging as always. She’d miss that about him.
She pulled on a second stocking. ‘Yep, I think good things will come of it.’
‘Great. Listen, I’m just calling to say there’s a change of plan for tonight.’
Lila almost punched the air. Thank God. She didn’t have to pitch up for dinner, and pretend to like those bloody women that Cammy was friends with. What was all that about? A forty-year-old guy hanging out with two ancient old dears. She didn’t get the dynamic at all. And all of that stuff about Josie being a second mother to him went right over her head. What was up with the mother he had? Apart from the fact that she lived in Perth and he only saw her a few times a year when he went back for a visit. That seemed more than reasonable to Lila. But none of that mattered right now because this call had saved her faking illness and calling off later. Result.
‘That’s fine, babe. I quite fancied going to the gym anyway. Maybe a spin class.’ Maybe turning up at my boyfriend’s house and telling his wife it’s time to let him go. She didn’t say that last option out loud.
