Intoxicated

by Alicia Renee Kline

  I was good at this. Just like Eric was good at what he did. For him to expect me to give up this part of me to be with him was like me asking him to give up his own career for me. It just wasn’t fair to either one of us. No, to make this relationship work we had to meet in the middle. In and of itself, the realization was simple. The hard part would be figuring out just how to do that.

  Back in my car after the workday ended, I cranked the heater on full blast and set to work debating on how to make that happen. The temperature hadn’t warmed up as much as I’d hoped and my legs were frozen. For starters, I resolved to drive down to Indy tonight like Eric had wanted me to. The idea had already been bouncing around in my head since he had suggested it, and I felt like it was my duty as his girlfriend to accept the invitation.

  As much as I complained about him not making enough honest efforts to see me, I would be a hypocrite if I wasted this opportunity. Truth be told, I saw Blake and Matthew all of the time. Even if I made it to Eric’s condo late in the evening, I could still wake up in the morning next to him. We would have some alone time prior to heading over to my father’s house for the official holiday visit. I owed him that much. I already had to hurry back home so that I could work the next day; it would be unfair to drive down all that way and not even have a chance to discuss us. It wasn’t quite the conversation I wanted to have in front of my dad, and we hadn’t really spoken about it since our huge fight at Matthew’s house.

  That settled, a new wave of anxiety pitted itself in my stomach as I drove home. I hadn’t heard from Blake yet. I prayed that she wasn’t angry with me for conducting my own ambush redecoration. Or worse yet, I hoped that she hadn’t holed herself up in her bedroom, curled up in the fetal position on her circular mattress. No news was good news, right?

  And on to Matthew and the giant box that contained the gift he told me I’d love. Even though Blake had come up with a plan to explain it away should Eric inquire, I was still worried sick about it. If it was fantastic like advertised would my gift to him be sufficient? And what would that imply if he had gotten me the perfect gift?

  I decided that things would be a lot easier if his gift to me sucked. I would accept it graciously and tuck it away in the deep recesses of my closet, never to be seen again. Guys had a false sense of bravado about these kinds of things anyway. In reality he probably had gotten me the scented candle or bottle of lotion I expected and was playing it up like it was the best thing ever. Nothing to stress out over. We had known each other for a couple months, which was hardly any length of time at all.

  Matthew’s car was already in the driveway like I expected it to be, parked as usual on Blake’s side. I pulled my car into the garage and mentally prepared myself for whatever was to come. Depressed roommates, flying Christmas ornaments, white elephant gifts, I could deal with it all. I placed my hand on the doorknob that led to the kitchen and took a deep breath, waiting for the chaos to ensue.

  Instead, I was greeted by an empty kitchen. The breakfast bar was covered with food, laid out buffet style, but the siblings were nowhere to be seen. I set down my purse on the table in the nook and followed their voices into the living room. They were both seated on the sectional, staring at the Christmas tree. A fire burned in the fireplace, the one and only time so far I had seen that feature used.

  “Hi guys,” I said hesitantly, my inflection more of a question than a greeting, “what are you doing?”

  “Hey, gorgeous,” Matthew drawled warmly, and the butterflies in my stomach melted away.

  Blake sprang up from the couch and engulfed me in a hug. “It’s so beautiful,” she whispered. “Thank you so much.”

  “You’re welcome,” I said as she pulled away, holding me at arm’s length. Tears glistened in her beautiful blue eyes, and I swallowed down the lump forming in my throat. I yanked her into another embrace. “Thank you for my office. It’s perfect.”

  She sniffled slightly before responding. “You’re welcome, too. I’m glad you like it.”

  “Of course I do. It’s a Blake Snyder original. How many people get gifts like that for Christmas?”

  “Only the people in this room,” Matthew quipped. “Trust me, the novelty wears off after a couple of years. You start to just wish for gift certificates or something normal.”

  Blake snorted and pulled away for real this time. Her brother had risen from the couch to come stand by us, and she slugged him playfully. Her composure had returned in spades.

  “And thank you, too,” I said, impulsively giving Matthew a hug, “since I know for a fact you helped.”

  “You’re welcome, sweetheart,” he whispered, squeezing my shoulder. The contact sent a shiver down my spine.

  “Well,” I said quickly, pulling back from him before Blake could find our interaction inappropriate, “I’m going to change into something warmer and then it looks like it’s time to eat.”

  I excused myself to my room where I threw on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt and tried to calm myself down. I reminded myself that I was the one who had instigated the touching, and had done so without having ulterior motives. I was good with hugging; friends did it all the time. Christmas was an especially common time to embrace someone innocently. I had done nothing wrong. And Matthew was just being himself, using his nicknames, and nothing more had been meant by that, either.

  Between Blake and Eric analyzing everything that happened in regards to Matthew and me, it was easy to put anything under the microscope and have it come out suspicious. Now I was doing it myself.

  Before I was gone long enough to require a search party to come rescue me, I headed back down the stairs. Blake and Matthew had already gone into the kitchen and I grabbed a plate as well. With the breakfast I’d had at work I really wasn’t all that hungry, but I didn’t want to insult Blake’s effort. She had gone to a lot of work to put this together and I could choke down a ham sandwich and some side dishes to show my appreciation.

  I deliberately took longer plating my food than the others so that I could scope out the seating arrangements without looking obvious. Thankfully, Matthew sat at one end of the breakfast bar with Blake between us. I took my stool with relief, not wanting to tempt fate again. Neither one of them seemed to notice that anything was amiss. This further supported my theory that I was making a mountain out of a molehill and I began to relax.

  “So,” Blake turned to me, “how did you usually spend Christmas when you lived back home?”

  I shrugged, poking at the macaroni salad on my plate with my fork. “Well, ever since I started at the bank I’ve had to work on Christmas Eve. So I never officially did anything. After Gracie and I met, we would do our gift exchange then. Sometimes Eric would come over later, or I’d go over to his place. Christmas was always the big day. That’s when I would go over to my dad’s and do the traditional holiday stuff. Being in Fort Wayne hasn’t really changed any of that. Gracie’s coming over to my dad’s tomorrow, but that’s no big deal.”

  In a normal conversation I typically would have asked her how she spent past Christmases but given the circumstances I bit my tongue. She had expounded a little on the Snyder Family Christmas during her breakdown the other night. Anything my father would have ever provided would pale in comparison, though I had the distinct feeling that she would have traded places with me in a heartbeat.

  “And Eric?” she asked.

  I heard Matthew groan. I didn’t blame him. Blake rarely passed up an opportunity to insert my boyfriend into the conversation, especially when her brother was in the same room. It was like she was wanted to make us both keenly aware of the fact that I was taken, just in case either one of us forgot. The attraction between us she had halfway nurtured in the beginning had grown repulsive to her ever since the night I drove his Mustang. If I didn’t know better, I would think she was one of Eric’s closest allies. Though she at times played devil’s advocate she was only doing so to protect her brother, possibly even me.

  “Eric always comes to my fat
her’s house on Christmas. His parents are always gone, usually in Florida, at this time of year. It’s been our thing for the past ten years.”

  I stabbed at my food violently, my fork jutting through the Styrofoam plate. I took a deep breath and calmly set about extricating it before continuing.

  “He asked me to drive down tonight and spend the night at his place.”

  “And?” Blake arched a perfectly groomed eyebrow.

  “I’m seriously thinking about it,” I conceded.

  Even though my mind was already made up and had been for a couple hours, I had a difficult time saying that in Matthew’s presence. For some reason, it seemed better to act like I was on the fence about it. After we had enjoyed our festivities here, I could pretend like I had just decided to go and excuse myself gracefully. No need to let Eric’s shadow dampen two holidays in a row.

  I snuck a peek over at Matthew. His head was bowed as he concentrated a little too closely on his plate. Even though he pretended not to care, I knew he had heard every word and committed it to memory. Blake's interrogation had served its purpose, further driving a wedge between us and any burgeoning flirtations. Noticing her success, Blake quieted and we finished our meal in relative silence.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  The somber mood continued as the three of us cleaned up the kitchen. As I wiped up the counter I found myself wishing that things would have gone differently. I wasn’t sure how I could have redirected the conversation without lying outright, but still. I had wanted to create a happy occasion for the two of them and this was turning out to be anything but.

  “Keep doing that and you’ll wear a hole in the granite,” Matthew whispered as he walked behind me.

  My hand froze and I released the sponge I had been using. Now that he mentioned how hard I was scrubbing, I realized how tense my body had become. I flexed my fingers and continued at a much gentler clip.

  With his sister’s head stuck in the refrigerator as she placed the leftovers inside, he braved further commentary. “I know she’s being a buzzkill, but it’s just her nature.”

  I considered his argument as I watched him retreat to the pantry to dump the armload of disposable dinnerware into the trash. He had a point. I imagined that if I had been disowned by my family at Christmastime after growing accustomed to presents such as vacations and Mercedes I would be a little callous myself. Her lingering issues and my perfectionism weren’t meshing well today. Sure, on the outside our little get together looked worthy of a photo shoot, but I wanted the total package.

  Speaking of packages, my stomach clenched slightly as I thought about the imminent gift exchange looming ahead. I had agonized over Matthew’s gift ever since he had mentioned how much I would love the one he had chosen for me. He hadn’t been too far off by suggesting that I would employ a spreadsheet approach for my gift selection. I had racked my brain contemplating ideas for what to get him, debating about hidden meanings. After a few nights scrawling down thoughts and scribbling the majority of them out, I had reluctantly made up my mind, realizing that the big day was fast approaching and that he would end up with nothing if I waited a second longer. I closed my eyes and mouthed a silent prayer that he wouldn’t think my selection was too cheesy. In reality, it tied in nicely with what I was getting him for his birthday in mid-January. So if he hated it, I was doubly screwed.

  Putting on a brave front, I cleared my throat. “I think it’s as good of a time as any to unwrap our gifts, don’t you?”

  Blake clasped her hands together and for a moment she looked just like an eager child. I smiled at her reaction; maybe I had written this day off a little too soon. Things were definitely salvageable.

  “Sounds good to me,” she proclaimed as she headed into the living room, leaving Matthew and me to trail behind her. Her excitement was contagious, and the trepidation I had concerning the event in question began to dissipate.

  Even though Blake and I had already swapped rather extravagant presents, we had still bought each other a few small items. What fun was a Christmas tree with no presents underneath? With beauty products being my not-so-secret obsession, she had chosen a makeup set for me that contained tons of eyeshadows, blushes and lip glosses all contained in a purple train case. I would have been content to run up to my room right then and there to experiment, but instead pushed it aside and thanked her profusely. I didn’t want to tally up the cost of the office redecoration in my head; I would feel way too guilty. Even with donating her labor, I was certain that the new furniture hadn’t come cheap.

  I had picked out a blue cashmere blend sweater for her that coordinated perfectly both with her eyes and her hair streak. I was no slouch; I knew that blue was her favorite color for clothing, this tone especially. Her wardrobe was full of it, and why not? When she wore it, her skin looked even more porcelain like, her hair like spun gold, her eyes more striking. If I had been blessed with her coloring, my entire closet would be full of the shade.

  “Thank you so much!” she gushed, yet again embracing me.

  All traces of her less than festive demeanor had vanished. Once more she was all smiles, and I sat back, quite impressed with myself. So far this had worked out perfectly. Whatever Christmases Blake and Matthew had endured since the incident had been forgotten, at least for the time being. I was sure that this particular year would be remembered fondly, a new beginning in their journey as a family of two.

  Matthew opened his presents from Blake next: a new iPod – predictably in blue – and a scrapbook that gave him pause. As he flipped through the pages, he was visibly moved by the contents. Blake sat next to him on the floor, beaming at him. I sat across from them, feeling small and insignificant. It was as though I was watching a movie in a foreign language and everyone else could read the subtitles except for me. I had absolutely no idea what was going on, but still had the unmistakable feeling that I was intruding on something very personal.

  “Wow,” he whispered as he carefully closed the album, “I don’t know what to say.”

  Blake smiled and leaned over to give him a kiss on the cheek. “You don’t have to say anything. Just know that you’re the best brother ever and that no matter what, I will always love you.”

  “I love you, too, sunshine,” he said softly, reaching over and tousling her hair, “but now that candle I got you seems really lame.”

  Blake smoothed her silky tresses and laughed. She quickly wiped away the moisture that had collected in her eyes as she accepted the gift he extended her way. It was in fact a candle, but as she pulled it from the packaging, a silver locket had been fastened around the glass jar. She unclasped it and let it slide down into her outstretched palm. Her fingers trembled as she undid the hinge to see what, if anything, had been placed inside. Never one to disappoint, Matthew looked on as she reacted emotionally to the contents.

  Her tears came in earnest as he took the necklace from her, lifting her curls away from her shoulders to fasten the present around her neck. With the clasp secured firmly, he let her hair down so it pooled in glorious waves. He brushed her tears away with both thumbs, then kissed her gently on the top of her head.

  A lump formed in my throat as I watched the scene take place. I knew I had just witnessed something profound, even if I couldn’t put a name to it. Another emotion bubbled in my stomach which I surprisingly recognized as a twinge of jealousy. The bond between them as brother and sister was so strong, something that I as an only child would never get to experience. To be so close to someone of the opposite sex, to be their biggest supporter, their greatest protector without any fear of your actions being misunderstood as romantic in nature was a feeling that I would never have.

  As much as I told myself that Matthew treated me in the same regard, I second guessed everything he did. Every touch, every snide comment, every glance in my direction I over-analyzed until I was positive that he had instilled a deeper meaning into it. As much as I had insisted to both Eric and Blake that nothing was going on, in reality,
I wanted to be the object of his attention. I didn’t want him to treat me like a sister or even a friend. I was the one who wanted something more.

  I bit my lip almost to the point of drawing blood. The realization was like a sharp blow to my stomach, and a wave of nausea passed over me. Eric was right; he had been all along. Guys and girls couldn’t be just friends without one of the parties wanting more. Only instead of Matthew wanting more, as Eric had not so subtly implied, it was me. I was the one who got caught up in the game, who secretly fed off of the jealousy that Matthew’s innocent actions elicited from my boyfriend.

  I liked to feel wanted, and Matthew was able to give me that, even if it wasn’t in a romantic way. Perversely, I was getting from him what I had been missing from Eric all along. In the short weeks that we had known each other, Matthew had filled that role that had been vacant for as long as I could remember. He was my shoulder to cry on, my rock when I needed strength. He was my stand-in when Eric couldn’t or wouldn’t show up to do his rightful job and I had been all too willing to use him and attach undeserved meaning to it.

  “Lauren?” Matthew’s voice interrupted my reverie. From his tone and the look of concern on his face, I gathered it wasn’t the first time he had said my name.

  I jumped to attention, hoping that the smile I plastered on my features seemed genuine enough. “Sorry, I guess I was off in my own little world.”

  “Yeah, I’d say,” Blake grinned. “You guys are up. Last two presents of the day.”

  I consulted the Christmas tree to make sure. Her inventory of the situation was correct. My present to Matthew and the large box that contained my gift from him were the only ones remaining to be given at this particular celebration. The rest of the gifts under the tree I would be taking to Indianapolis with me shortly to be opened at my father’s house tomorrow.