“I’m thinking practically here.”
“So am I. It’s not signing some one year lease or something. This would be a mortgage. It would be me putting my income and my livelihood on the line as a testament to our relationship.”
“True.”
“And you offering nothing new. You keeping your place ‘just in case’ something bad happens.”
“I never said I wouldn’t help pay for it. And this place is just as much yours as it is mine.”
I laughed sharply. “No it’s not. Yes, this is a beautiful home, Eric, but it’s not mine. This is your bachelor pad. A little decoration and some window dressing won’t change that. Call it what you want, but this is your backup plan.”
“Lauren,” he said, folding his arms across his chest and pouting slightly, “we have been together for ten years now. I’m hardly going to leave you high and dry.”
I stared at him blankly, making a point with my silence.
“Look, just promise me you’ll think about it. At least give me that much.”
“Fine. I’ll consider it. But no more talk about it until the new year. I need some time to get my head around it.”
“Fine.”
I peeled back the comforter and wrapped myself in its warmth, positioning myself as far away from him as possible. He gravitated towards me as he climbed under the covers. Reluctantly, I allowed him to curl his arm around me. I pretended to fall asleep, relaxing my muscles as much as possible so he wouldn’t continue the conversation. He didn’t pick up on my charade and soon fell into his own authentic slumber. It was hours later before my eyes finally gave in and I fell into my own dreamless sleep.
So much for making the boyfriend happy.
Chapter Twenty-Five
“I swear that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” Gracie commented bluntly.
We were sitting at my father’s house in my old bedroom having some much deserved girl time while the guys were watching television in the other room. With the door closed and firmly latched behind us, I felt comfortable enough to tell her in hushed tones about Eric’s supposed gift to me.
“I know, right?” I stared down at my hands.
“Don’t tell me you’re considering it.”
I shrugged. “I told him I’d think about it.”
“Tell him you thought ‘no’.”
“I kind of thought I made that clear. But the more I thought about it last night, the more I realized that he’s trying.”
“He needs to try harder.”
I sighed. “In order for this to work, we both have to make compromises. He’s willing to accept that I want to keep my job-“
“I can’t believe you just said that with a straight face.”
“It’s a complete one-eighty from where he was just a couple of weeks ago. Back then, he still wanted me barefoot and pregnant in his kitchen.”
“The traditional husband and wife roles without the whole pesky marriage thing.”
Gracie flipped her stick straight hair over her shoulder and hopped up to her feet, unable to stay in place for too long. She paced back and forth along the length of the room, her impractical stilettos sinking into the carpet. How she didn’t lose her footing was beyond me. My devil’s advocate had serious skills.
She was also practically reading my mind, totally giving a voice to my subconscious. It was difficult not to agree with that, still something burned in my gut that said I should try harder. Eric was making a valiant attempt. He wasn’t used to giving in. Nor was I. Maybe if we both worked our own angles, we could meet somewhere in the middle at a mutually agreeable conclusion.
“I thought that myself,” I mused, “that he was putting the cart before the horse. A mortgage is a huge commitment. Granted, marriage is bigger. But you would think we would do that part first, just to get it out of the way. I wasn’t about to bring it up last night, though. He looked like I had just killed his puppy.”
“I bet he acted like he was eight, too.”
“Kind of,” I snorted.
“So, what’s your plan?” she asked, absentmindedly picking up a picture frame from my old dresser.
“I don’t have one yet. With the lack of sleep I got last night, you would think I would have written a ninety page thesis on it by now, but I’m fresh out of ideas. If I turn him down outright, he’ll never forgive me. I guess I’ll just keep dropping hints and see if it gets me closer to what I want.”
“And what do you want?”
“To be honest, I want it all. I don’t want to choose. And that’s not going to work because it’s not fair to anyone involved. I want the boyfriend and the job and the friends. I just can’t make the pieces all fit.”
“Then maybe you’re trying to put the pieces from two different puzzles together.”
“You know, that’s pretty deep.”
“I have my moments of brilliance.”
I smiled despite myself. “I’ll think of something. I always do. And why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?”
“He’s not going to leave you alone until you tell him yes or no,” Gracie contemplated, “just be prepared for that.”
“I’m fully aware of this. He’ll probably pay more attention to me than he has since I left. I told him I didn’t want to discuss it now; I want to wait until after New Year’s rolls around.”
Gracie nodded, putting down the picture frame and staring into space thoughtfully. All of a sudden, her expression changed and she whirled around to face me. “You wouldn’t, would you?”
“I wouldn’t what?”
“Marry him. You know, just to get it over with.”
My stomach clenched as I replayed our earlier conversation and realized that’s exactly what I had said. I had treated a sacred covenant as nothing more than a business deal. A practical merging of households and incomes. That wasn’t exactly a glowing report on the state of our relationship. When I had thought about marriage as a little girl, I had imagined breathless declarations of love. I wasn’t even sure that Eric allowed that word into his vocabulary.
“Lauren?” she asked as I stood in silence.
“You don’t know something, do you?”
She chuckled inwardly before answering. “The guy can’t stand me. It’s not like he’s talking my ear off when you’re not around. I haven’t seen him since Thanksgiving.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. She was right. Eric wouldn’t tell Gracie what he had for breakfast, let alone confide in her about something as major as a house hunt or a proposal. Yet now that the thought had been planted in my brain I couldn’t shake it. If I had associated buying a house together with getting married so organically, couldn’t it be possible that Eric had done the same thing?
“You look positively green, dearest,” she declared, coming to sit beside me on the bed once more, “so let’s talk about something else. How did you like your present from Blake?”
“It was fabulous. And I know you were in on it. You are so sneaky.”
Gracie’s face lit up at my mention of her involvement. “She ran it past me when we were together on Thanksgiving. When you and Eric were indisposed, she and I had a mighty nice talk. If we lived closer to each other, we’d probably hang out.”
Just how I had figured, my Indy best friend and my Fort Wayne best friend were two of a kind. Maybe that’s why the transition had been so seamless for me; I had a Gracie stand-in at the ready.
“If you and Eric end up sealing the deal, maybe I’ll take her up on her offer,” Gracie mused, referring to the fictional lease Blake had proposed on Thanksgiving night. I glared at her, a reminder that it was her idea to end that line of thinking for now. “Oops, sorry.”
“I’m not going anywhere anytime soon,” I stated more firmly than I felt. “I haven’t accepted his offer. Even if I did five minutes from now, we haven’t begun to look. We haven’t even discussed where we would look. The whole house-hunting and purchasing thing would take a while.”
“The fin
ancing part would be a lock though,” Gracie teased. “I know someone who could help you with that.”
I elbowed her with a giggle. “You know, the idea of a mortgage shouldn’t be so scary for someone who works with them all day long. But one with my name on it, that’s another story.”
“One with only your name on it when you’re not the one calling the shots,” she clarified.
I laid back on the mattress and ran my hands through my hair with a sigh. “That’s exactly the problem. I’m glad someone else gets it. If it were just me and I had decided to do the homeownership thing, I’d be fine with it. I’d go find a house in Fort Wayne and be happy.”
“You like it there that much?”
“Yeah. I’ve established a life there. My job’s there, I have a couple of friends. I could lay down roots. But with Eric, that’s never going to fly. Practically, Fort Wayne’s just too far away for him. And Indy’s just too far away for me. I get that. So the idea in a nutshell is the only alternative. He’s going about it wrong, but it has its merits.”
“So why aren’t you happier? He’s finally showing some initiative.”
“Not enough, though. He would keep his condo, which tells me that he isn’t one hundred percent invested in this. If we would break up, he could just smoothly continue on with life as he knew it. I’d be saddled with a mortgage on our house in who knows where, living between Indy and Fort Wayne for no good reason at all.”
“Well, you know how I feel about it. And I’m willing to bet that Blake will tell you the same thing. And don’t get me started on that brother of hers.”
I groaned involuntarily.
“What? If you decide for whatever silly reason to take Eric up on his ingenious plan, you know he’s not going to allow you to still be friends with them. You’ve got to be kidding me if you think he would willingly let you spend time with the guy who almost kicked his ass.”
“It wasn’t like that.”
“But it could have been. Eric barely allows you to spend time with me. As far as I know, I’m not competition for your affection.”
I choked on my denial, realizing that my efforts would be futile at best. The lump in my throat grew as tears clouded my vision. Concerned, Gracie laid beside me.
“Now it’s my turn to ask what you aren’t telling me.”
“Matthew told me he loved me,” I admitted, wiping away moisture from my eyes.
“Really?” she asked breathlessly, her eyes shining with the obvious desire for me to provide more detail.
“He didn’t say it. He wrote it down. In the Christmas card he gave me. But it wasn’t just ‘Love, Matthew’ like I could explain away with that just being how he signs things. He wrote ‘I love you, too.’”
“Too?” She jumped on the qualifier like I knew she would. “So you are holding out on me.”
“I said it. Once. It just slipped out. I was at his place trying to convince him to come to Thanksgiving and it just happened. I was telling him about how if he came, everyone that I loved would be in the same room at the same time. That included you and Blake, by the way.”
“So it could have been innocent. But you’re not completely sure.”
“I was so embarrassed that it just popped out like that. But it was the truth, in some form. I care about him so much. And at the time, he rejected it so I thought I was in the clear anyway.”
“He rejected you?”
“He pulled his whole self-loathing routine that made me feel worse. But now, he’s put it back out there and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what it means. I don’t know what I want it to mean.”
“Have you tried talking to him about it?”
I rolled over so that I was on my stomach. The position made it easier for me to look at her. Her eyes were wide, innocent even. Granted, that would have been the most logical course of action, but I hadn’t been capable of rational thought at the time. I shifted my eyes to the bedspread and she smacked her forehead.
“I know,” I muttered, “I know.”
“Well, start from there.”
“I think he might have started to mention it when he walked me out to the garage, but I cut him off.”
“Really?” This was said more like a statement and less like a question. She huffed and shook her head.
“It was an accident. I promise I’ll try harder next time.”
“You better.”
Gracie’s pep talk was cut short by a knock at the door. We both sat up and smoothed down our hair, attempting not to look too guilty about our latest installment of Lauren’s True Confessions. Eric strode into my old bedroom like he owned the place. The same surreal feeling washed over me that always occurred on Christmas; there had been so many occasions during our lengthy relationship where he had done the same thing. To him, this was as much of a home as his parents’ house. I never would have guessed ten years ago that we’d be in the same place, carrying out the same actions as we did back then.
Of course Gracie hadn’t been in the picture then. Or my own indecisiveness about where I wanted things to go. Back then I only lived in the moment, enjoying the comfort that a steady boyfriend brought. Today I was more focused on the future, wondering where my current direction would lead me. To be honest, I felt like someone had convinced me to shut my eyes, then proceeded to spin me around. I had no idea which end was up, or where I was headed.
Eric, on the other hand, looked more sure of himself than ever. He was practically grinning from ear to ear.
“I figured you’d want to head out soon,” he said, effectively ignoring Gracie.
“What time is it?” I asked. I’d left my cell in my purse, so I had completely lost track.
“Getting late,” was his reply.
He extended his hand to help me up. Reluctantly I took it, seeing his gesture for the possessiveness it was. He was only demonstrative of his affection when it suited him. Apparently, this was one of those times.
Gracie rolled her eyes as I rose to my feet. She remained seated on the bed, her arms folded across her chest. Her distaste for my boyfriend was obvious; there would be no doubt whose side she would take if it came down to a battle for my attention.
If. Again, I couldn’t be certain of Matthew’s intentions. There were so many things that he kept hidden from me. So many mysteries and contradictions that I couldn’t explain.
Eric’s desires were pretty well cut and dried. I knew what to expect for the most part. Every now and then he’d throw in a curveball, like he’d done with the buying a house thing. But the story arc was relatively the same. I was his. It radiated in the way he moved, in the way he spoke, in the way he lived his life. For him, there were no doubts.
“So I guess this is goodbye?” Gracie said finally, addressing only me.
I shrugged even as Eric gently pushed me toward the door.
“Call me later,” her voice trailed behind us, “and thanks for the perfume!”
“I will and you’re welcome,” I called back. “Thanks for the calendar!”
Gifts had always been simple between Gracie and me. Every Christmas since we had become friends, we had bought each other the exact same gift. She always bought me one of those page a day calendars. The subject matter varied; one year it was puppies, another it was jokes, but it was always a calendar. I, in turn, faithfully purchased her a bottle of her favorite perfume. It was more like a running gag gift tradition than anything else. I knew our tax brackets were considerably different and didn’t want to create any awkward moments if I got her a present that I knew she wouldn’t be able to reciprocate with like value. I couldn’t care less if she got me anything at all, but I realized she was sensitive about the subject.
My dad was still in the living room where Eric had left him, his eyes focused on whatever basketball game was airing. He rose from his recliner when I entered to give me a hug.
“Leaving so soon?” he kidded, fully aware I had stayed the majority of the day.
“Yeah, I’m about t
o turn into a pumpkin,” I joked. “Besides, your surrogate daughter is around here somewhere.”
“You know nothing compares to the real thing.”
Eric looked at me pointedly from across the room. I wondered if he had spent his quality guy time drumming up my dad’s support for the homeownership plan. I wouldn’t put it past him. Of course my dad would be on board with me living closer to him if presented in the right way. If discussed in a manner that didn’t let on how truly on the fence I was about it. I could imagine Eric regaling my dad with tales of how we’d spend Sundays here at least once or twice a month. Of course, those stories would be lies, but they would sound good. Convincing.
“I know, dad,” I whispered into his shoulder.
He held me at arm’s length, studying my face intently. I stared back at him, doing the same. It was this weird father – daughter connection thing we had between us, how we could communicate without saying a word. He could tell that I was conflicted even if he hadn’t been clued in to the cause. And I knew he was advising me to be as thorough as I typically was when I considered a major decision. His eyes shifted in Eric’s direction, and he nodded slightly.
“I just want you to be happy,” he said softly, low enough for Eric not to overhear, “no matter what. Even if it takes you two hours away.”
I closed my eyes, digesting his wisdom. When I had left Indianapolis, I hadn’t just left Eric behind. My dad and Gracie were also here, yet they didn’t complain about it. True, being someone’s child or friend was a lot less complicated from a distance than being someone’s girlfriend.
“Now don’t cry,” he soothed, acknowledging the tears that formed so easily beneath my lashes, “it’s Christmas.”
“I know. I’ll be fine.” I brushed away the moisture with my thumbs, giggling slightly at my sentimentality.
“I know you will.” He smiled warmly at me.
Eric had retrieved my coat and purse from the closet and he handed them to me, eager to get the show on the road.
“Doug,” he gestured to my dad, turning on the salesman voice, “it was a great time as always.”
Intoxicated Page 27
