I didn’t know if I would ever be the same.
However stupid the kiss had been, I couldn’t pretend that it hadn’t happened. I still felt the burn of his lips against mine, the rush of adrenaline that had surged through me. So what if it had meant nothing to him? To me, it had meant the world. I had always thought that Eric and I were explosive together; now that I had something to compare it with, I was proven wrong.
Eric was my safety net. The one thing I could always count on. Familiar, comfortable, frustrating. But he had been by my side for as long as I could remember. He had shared all these ups and downs with me. Never before had his position in my life been in question. As soon as he had seen the signs that it was, he had worked on stepping up his game.
I jumped slightly as my cell phone chirped in the passenger seat beside me. Keeping my eyes on the road, I reached over and grabbed it blindly. When my fingers wrapped around the plastic case, I glanced over briefly enough to realize it was a text. From Matthew. I threw the offending piece of technology back where it came from without checking the message.
“What do you care?” I asked no one in particular. “What’s the matter? Didn’t twist the knife deep enough in person?”
The new tears that slid down my cheeks betrayed my harsh words. At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to hear his apologies. In my fairytale world, I wanted him to chase after me, to speed up behind me and make me hear him out. He had begged for me not to leave but whatever he’d wanted to say hadn’t been important enough to really stop me.
He had given up on me just when I had needed him most.
My downward spiral continued as I drove on, the miles slipping past me until I realized that I had spent hours circling Fort Wayne. If I’d really wanted to, I could have driven to Indy instead, but I doubted I would have found any more clarity there. My life was nothing more than a series of questions needing answers I wasn’t ready to come up with yet. Only when I completely cleared my mind of everything other than the action of driving did I reach my epiphany.
At the next exit, I pulled off of the interstate and changed direction. It was as if a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I still wasn’t ready to jump for joy; the next few days would be hard for me, but if I could manage them, I could deal with anything.
I knew exactly what I had to do.
Epilogue
The alarm on his cell pierced the early morning silence of the darkened bedroom. It rang incessantly, the volume increasing as he untangled an arm from the comforter and set about slapping at the nightstand in the direction of the noise. After a couple of failed attempts, his fingers found the phone and clasped around the still chirping item, dragging it back under the blanket with him. With his other hand, he removed the pillow from over his head and pried open his eyelids.
Five-thirty came early. Especially when he had rung in all the hours prior by staring at the ceiling before finally, blissfully being taken over by sheer exhaustion an hour before. For a split second, he contemplated faking illness and calling in to work, but that wouldn’t solve anything. It would make things worse; leave him alone with all of those unpleasant thoughts that he couldn’t escape. At least with a job to do, with a shift to manage, he could try to lose himself in the mundane. Thank goodness there would be no major decisions on the docket for today. He was spent.
The deafening alarm still pounded in his ears even after he turned it off. Desperately, he checked the phone for missed calls, new messages that he knew wouldn’t be there. Of course, there were none. Only the reminder that she hadn’t answered him.
Are you okay?
Those inadequate words were the last that appeared on his screen, typed by his finger in an attempt to try to undo some of the damage that he had undoubtedly inflicted the night before. There was no response. Just the cursor flashing expectantly, waiting for him to try something else. He was all out of ideas.
With a heavy sigh, he lifted himself out of bed, replacing the phone on the nightstand as he made his way into the master bath to shower and get ready. One look in the mirror at his bloodshot eyes confirmed that today would be a glasses kind of day. There was no way his contacts would feel comfortable in eyes that were more red than blue.
If he didn’t know better, he would have sworn he was reliving one of his mornings after from college. The trappings of a massive hangover were all there, but this one wasn’t alcohol-induced. He almost wished it had been. He could deal with the headache, the vomiting, even another arrest better than what he was left with now.
The regret was suffocating.
He showered quickly as always, not feeling the water against his skin. Honestly, he had no idea whether the spray had been scalding hot or ice cold. His body was numb; it didn’t matter. The cleanliness was just a courtesy for those who had the bad luck to be around him. No amount of soap could scrub away the dirtiness that lingered in his soul.
“Don’t hurt her,” Blake had warned him more than once. He had tried not to, damn it, even falling upon his own sword in an attempt to keep her from harm. But last night had been an epic failure. He had watched her shatter into a million pieces before him, even as his own heart broke right along with hers.
As he walked out into the living room, returning to the scene of the crime so to speak, he was overcome with a pang of guilt like no other. Never would he forget the look on her face when he had pulled away from her kiss. The shock, the confusion that washed over her features was brutal. It had been all he could do to steel himself against the desire to lift her up and take her back to his bed. She had wanted that, too. Or at least she thought she did.
But he couldn’t be that guy. Not the one who led her into temptation just as her boyfriend was trying to do right by her. Eric had been slow in coming to the right conclusion, but he was there now and he deserved his chance. And Lauren wasn’t going to cheat on him with her roommate’s brother, no matter how conflicted she seemed to be. If she wasn’t strong enough to stop herself, he would have to be strong enough for the both of them.
She had had every right to be mad at him. He had never before witnessed someone that small filled with such rage. Her words had lashed out at him, her growl practically primal as she had fought against the hysteria that was so close to the surface. Behind those incensed eyes he had recognized how frightened she was, just on the verge of tears. He imagined it had taken all of her will to slam the door behind her. She had probably collapsed into tears the second she hit the porch.
If he had been a better man, he would have thrown open the door and gone out into the cold after her. He would have grabbed her in his arms and held her close and told her how much he loved her. He would have made her listen. But there were too many parallels to the night at the party where he had gotten drunk and stolen Chris’s car to chase after someone who ended up meaning nothing to him. For his troubles he had ended up losing his parents and his freedom for the next six months. Obviously Lauren meant so much more to him than his college flavor of the month, but the sheer déjà vu factor had frozen him in place.
His hand had slid from the doorknob in defeat. Spineless, he had sunk to the floor, the wind knocked out of him. His body shook with dry sobs.
That had been how Chris had found him, curled up practically in the fetal position. With all the drama going on, he had completely spaced the fact that his best friend had planned to come over after his shift on the ambulance. He had entered through the garage like usual with his own key, no formalities necessary. If Matthew hadn’t been so distraught, he would have found his friend’s reaction to the scene amusing. Chris had been just about to employ his paramedical training when he had sat up and assured him that nothing was wrong other than he was the world’s biggest idiot.
They had sat and talked for hours. Chris was exactly the right person to confide in, given his own experience with unrequited love. Nothing said “expert at relationship torment” like holding on to the engagement ring you had intended to give someone just in case they
ever decided to come back to you. The situations were entirely different, as Blake and Chris had actually had a relationship implode, whereas Lauren and he had done little more than flirt with one another. The pain that Chris had experienced had been years ago; Matthew’s wound was still raw and fresh.
Eventually, Chris had yawned one too many times, and Matthew realized he was speaking in circles, rehashing the same things over and over again. He had pretended to be tired himself and had put on a brave face so his friend would leave. Chris had virtually made him promise not to do anything drastic before heading home to his own loneliness.
On his way out, Chris had commented about how slick the roads were. This passing remark had set Matthew off into another tailspin. With the way Lauren had fled earlier, this news chilled him to the bone. He envisioned her navigating the highway in her altered state, sliding off into a ditch somewhere. This was when he had sent the text. Of course she hadn’t answered it, but he wasn’t certain if it was out of spite or due to the fact that she was in trouble.
He had almost called Blake just to make sure she had arrived home okay, but he thought better of it. His sister would put two and two together easily, and he wasn’t ready to have that lecture yet. If Lauren had come home all out of sorts, she either hadn’t told Blake the reasoning behind it or his sibling was still nursing her wounds. And if she hadn’t made it home the night before without at least a phone call in explanation, Blake would have surely called her brother for advice.
That line of thinking had been enough to convince him to try to go to sleep. Rather than shut his mind off, however, the darkness had only reminded him how alone he was. How alone he was always going to be.
His stomach too sour for breakfast, he grabbed his coat and headed for the garage. As the overhead door creaked open sleepily, he was greeted with the vision of several inches of new snowfall. Damn. The Mustang would have been better suited to his mood, loud and angry and dangerous, but the Camry would have to do. Even in dry pavement, he wouldn’t have trusted himself to drive the convertible. He likely would have killed himself doing so.
Safely at work, he pocketed his cell as he went out on the floor. He never, ever, did that since his employees couldn’t have their phones during work hours, but today he allowed himself the luxury. If Lauren did break down and call him he sure as hell wasn’t about to miss it. She would never leave a voice mail, and seeing her number in his missed call log would haunt him forever. He had the sinking feeling that she wouldn’t reach out to him ever again, but it was worth a shot to keep hope alive.
He was stalking back to his office when it rang, the vibration against his leg startling him. He held his breath and fished it out of his pocket, praying for it to be her. Instead, it was Blake. He swallowed hard, realizing it was time to take his medicine. They would have to have this conversation sometime. It might as well be now.
“Good morning, sunshine,” he said with as much enthusiasm as he could muster. It sounded hollow even to his own ears. Self-preservation was a funny thing. Maybe if he pretended that nothing was wrong, his sister wouldn’t jump down his throat no matter how much he deserved it. He closed his eyes and waited for her wrath on the other end of the line.
It never came.
“Blake?” he said finally, his blood running cold. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m okay.” This was clearly a lie, he could tell it in the way her voice waivered. A million scenarios played out in his mind of what would have caused this, but none of them prepared him for the words she said next. “It’s not me; it’s Lauren. She’s gone.”
Acknowledgments
First of all, I’d like to thank my own personal Matthew for allowing me to embark on this crazy self-publishing journey and believing in me when I couldn’t believe in myself. He saved this novel from the delete key more than once and only rolled his eyes a few times when he read over my shoulder as I wrote. Maybe someday I’ll write that vampire novel he’s requested, but for now, there’s more story to tell with these characters. He’s also convinced that I am Lauren in disguise-I’ll allow him to think what he wants but for me there is no question: he’s the only one that I’ll ever need.
Thanks also to Angela, Cara, Chrissy, Deb, Henri, Jen, JoEllen and Nicole who bravely volunteered to read over this in its rough format. Their words of encouragement and enthusiasm for the story and characters are greatly appreciated.
Last but not least, a huge thanks to Parabelle. Their prolific and profound music helped to bring life to these characters and emotions to these pages. What started out as a random mention in my book turned into something on a slightly bigger scale. Not only are they super talented musicians but also really awesome people for allowing me to name drop them and being cool about it. Thanks for the smiley face – I’ll never delete that.
About the Author
Alicia Renee Kline has been writing for as long as she can remember. This hobby has progressed from filling countless spiral notebooks with bubbly handwriting (and scribbling out her errors) to the more technologically advanced route of today. Now armed with her laptop, she can easily hit the delete key and pretend that she gets everything right the first time.
She resides in Northeastern Indiana with her husband, two daughters, two cats and two hamsters. When she is not busy being an author, she works in the insurance industry.
If you enjoyed this novel, please don’t keep it a secret! Also, please consider writing a review to help others find their next escape from reality.
To learn more about Alicia and dig deeper into the world of Intoxicated, visit her website at aliciareneekline.com or follow her on Twitter at @readaliciarenee. She loves to hear from her readers and welcomes your comments and discussions.
So where did Lauren go and what did she decide? Read on for a preview of Shattered, coming soon….
The drive to Indianapolis had never felt longer. Of course, it didn’t help that I had been stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic for the last five miles. Everybody and their brother must have had the same idea as I had, at least in part. But I wasn’t starting the weekend early, heading down to the state capital on Friday night to party.
I was about to start the rest of my life.
With nothing better to do while I crept along, I turned the volume up on the radio only to immediately wish I hadn’t. I’d forgotten that I’d had Parabelle playing on my way to Matthew’s last night. After our fight and my hasty exit, I’d muted the volume and it had stayed that way until just now. Sitting here in traffic allowed me to focus on the lyrics; the feelings they evoked weren’t pretty. Tears clouded my vision as I related my own experiences to those in the songs. Perhaps I was reading too much into things, but it was like they had been written about me. I eventually conceded defeat and turned the stereo completely off. No, music wasn’t good for me right now. Maybe never again.
It shouldn’t be like this. I shouldn’t be relating to sorrow and heartbreak and sacrifice. Just two days prior, my boyfriend of ten years had proposed. I should be all rainbows and unicorns and happiness, not looking in my rearview mirror in hopes to find a black Camry behind me.
Matthew had let me go. Part of me had wanted to see his car in the parking lot after I came out of work. I had wanted him to stop me; at least try to talk me out of going down to see Eric tonight. I wanted him to apologize even though he hadn’t really been in the wrong. He had a valid point. Kissing him, expecting anything more from him when I was a heartbeat away from becoming someone else’s wife was very stupid.
But he hadn’t shown up. After all those weeks of tension between us, of second guessing every little thing he did and reading way more meaning into it than was necessary, he had thrown in the towel. Maybe he hadn’t even been interested in fighting for me in the first place. Maybe I had just believed the pictures that everyone around me had painted.
My brief conversation with Blake had told me what I needed to know. Matthew hadn’t mentioned last night to her, and I wasn’t about to bring it
up. Her brother could remain on the pedestal she had built for him and she would never be the wiser. I had respected her wishes and not hurt him. I had, however, impaled myself in the process.
Come to think of it, Blake had given up rather easily as well. Granted I had packed up my entire room and stolen away practically in the middle of the night, but still. I had expected more from her. Sure she had texted, and even pretended to be an irate customer with a subpar credit score to reach me at work, but she had turned around and abruptly exited the arena with her tail between her legs when I mentioned Eric’s name.
And so here I was, inching along in Indy’s rush hour traffic, momentarily homeless. All my worldly possessions fit in the trunk of my car, much the same as they had when I hauled them away from my studio apartment on the wrong side of town. The only thing that had changed was they were now stowed in a much larger, shinier vehicle.
My adult life had always been largely transient. Leases could be broken – I had just proven that to be true this morning – and jobs didn’t really, truly, tie you down, either. I could insert and remove myself from people’s lives on a whim and they barely noticed. No matter how badly I wanted them to.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a black Toyota change lanes. Instinctively, my breath caught and I turned slightly in its direction to look at the driver without full-on staring. My heart sunk when I realized it was a false alarm. I cursed him for having such a ubiquitous car. I had never really noticed how many people drove Camrys until I had a reason to look for one in particular.
It was stupid of me to even imagine him rushing down here after me. I had told Blake I was going to Indy for goodness sakes. He didn’t know where Eric lived; he had never been down here with me before to see where my comfort zone was. He had no idea where my favorite local haunts were. It wasn’t as though he would blindly stumble upon me through sheer force of will. It would be like trying to find a needle in a haystack.
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