Thoughts still in chaos, she caught sight of Asher’s wallet lying on the kitchen counter. Without hesitation, she walked over and opened it up, finding his drivers’ license. There was the picture of the man she loved, and she was unable to keep her lips from curving in a smile. Then her gaze shifted to his name. Jonathan Asher Swain.
Johnny Swain. She had forgotten his last name, but now she could see it so clearly on his name badge from kindergarten.
She was not surprised she had not recognized him, considering he went by Asher now. And the scrawny boy had grown into a lean, muscular man.
But he must have known who I was. I told him my name was Penny, and my best friend as a child was Johnny. He must have known. Shaking her head, she could not believe that he would not have told her who he was. But she was going to find out why he remained silent.
* * *
Asher stretched, blinking his eyes open. The bed next to him felt cold, and he moved his hand out, feeling only sheet but no warm body. Sitting up, he looked toward the bathroom to see if Penny was in there, jolting when he saw her standing near the door, completely dressed.
Instantly alert, he asked, “Babe, is everything okay?” He swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood but halted as he watched her body stiffen, her hand lifting in front of her, palm out.
“I need to know,” she said, her gaze never wavering from his in spite of his nakedness. “And I need you to tell me the truth. Are you Johnny? Johnny Swain?”
Brows lowered, he startled. “How did you…how…”
“The tattoos. They cover scars. Scars I had seen before when I was a little girl.”
His heart skipped a beat, and he said, “Oh, shit, babe. Please, let me—”
“Yes or no?” she interrupted, her voice more strident than he had ever heard
He took a step forward, his hands now up in supplication, saying, “It’s not that simple. Please, just let me explain—”
“Yes. Or. No?”
He dropped his chin, sighed, then bent to snag his boxers off the floor. Pulling them on, he tried to remember the words from the previous day that he had practiced what he wanted to tell her. Lifting his gaze back to hers, he fought to control his fears as he said, “Yes.”
“When I told you about my accident, told you my name was Penny and that I had a childhood friend named Johnny…is that when you knew who I was?”
He opened his mouth to beg her to listen once more, but she again said, “Yes or no?”
“Yes, but Penny, please, let me explain why I didn’t say anything at the time. Please.” His fears were realized when she turned and made her way down the hall toward the door. Cursing, he grabbed his jeans and shoved his legs into them, pulling them up without taking the time to fasten them at the waist. He made it to the living room just as she had pulled on her coat, slid her purse strap over her shoulder, and had her hand on the doorknob.
He reached for her, but she jerked back. “Please, give me a little time, Asher…Johnny…”
“Penny, I’ll be whoever you need me to be. You can call me Johnny, Asher, it doesn’t matter. They’re all me. Just please, don’t leave.” His heart was screaming in agony, terrified of her walking out the door.
She lifted her watery eyes to his face before swiping at her tears. Her chin quivered, and her voice no longer held the strength she had a few minutes ago. “I pushed so many memories away and they’re all coming back. I need some time. You’ve got to give that to me,” she demanded. “You’ve had weeks to process everything. I need that. If you ever loved me, you’d give me that time.”
He inwardly raged, desperate to slam the door shut and pull her into his arms, making her listen to all the speeches he had practiced. But he knew she was right. He had had weeks to process that the childhood friend he thought was dead was the woman he had fallen in love with.
He swallowed audibly, tears welling in his own eyes, as he nodded. “I know you’ve got a lot to process, but promise me that you will give me a chance. I’ve been agonizing over when to tell you, I just couldn’t find the words.”
Her face crumpled as she nodded before walking out the door. Worried about her leaving at night, he walked out into the chilly air and watched as she got into her car and drove down the street.
Barely aware of what he was doing, he walked back into his apartment and closed the door before leaning his back against it. He lost all sense of time as he stood there for several minutes, his heart aching. Aching for Penny, that she felt she needed to be by herself. Aching for himself that his own guilt kept him from talking to her earlier. Aching for the two children they used to be.
Slowly, he walked over to the counter and picked up his phone. Sending her a text, he begged her to let him know when she got to her apartment. A few minutes later, she replied with one word. Here.
He loved her more than life itself, and now they had been reduced to one word. Moving back into the bedroom, he got dressed, knowing any more sleep that night would not be coming. Already planning his next day, he promised himself he would give her several hours alone, then he would go see her. And beg her to let him explain.
25
Penny sent a text to Asher, letting him know that she had arrived safely at her apartment. Looking down at the phone in her hand, she turned it off, not desiring any more communication. She stood for several minutes, her hand on the hard, cold surface of the counter, giving balance to her shaking body. The pain in her head at the onslaught of memories rushing through was only surpassed by the confusion in her heart.
Foregoing her cane, she limped to the sofa, plopping down on the cushions while wincing at the uncomfortable stretching of her leg. Over the years she had refused to give in to the remembrances of the accident, only allowing it to stay in the periphery of her mind. Whenever she did think about it, it was more the sound of squealing tires. The silver colored grill and bumper of the car that jumped the curb coming toward her. Her memories tended to stop there, resuming when she woke up in the hospital.
She had wondered about Johnny much later. She had spent weeks in the hospital, now understanding that she had been heavily sedated. Memories were fuzzy, but she had been concerned over why her stepdad did not come to visit. For a long time afterward, her young body and mind focused solely on recovery and rehabilitation, both involving a great deal of pain.
She never talked of the accident, and she remembered her social worker telling her foster mother that she needed to see a counselor. Shaking her head, she emitted a rueful snort, remembering sitting in an office, talking to a woman who kept asking her about the day of the accident. That was the first time she had thought about Johnny, but by then he was more of a distant memory.
Penny thought back to the day in the park. That awful day in the park when it began to rain, interrupting what would have been their first kiss. Tall, athletic, strong Asher jumping up and grabbing her hand to run to the gazebo. He had probably expected her to run by his side, head thrown back in laughter as they sought shelter from the rain.
How shocked he must have been to find out that she could not run, and the scenario played out so differently than expected.
She remembered telling him of that fateful day when she was hit by the car, forever altering her life. She tried to remember what his reaction was when she mentioned the names Penny and Johnny. Did he startle in recognition? Did he jerk, or jolt, or blink, or blush?
Shaking her head, she remembered that he had brought her back to her old apartment, and they were sitting on the sofa with his arms around her. Unable to see his face, she had no memory of what his reaction may have been. He had continued to hold her for several minutes, and then he said he had some things to do and left. But he showed up the next day in the park, continuing their relationship while knowing who she was. Why did he not tell me that he remembered that we had a past?
She leaned back on the sofa, remembering that was where they sat with their arms around each other as she revealed her childhood. Of co
urse, that was in her old apartment. Casting her gaze about the much larger room, she thought about how he pressed her to move into this apartment. The accident occurred at his house…by his mom’s boyfriend. He had warned me to leave before the man got home. Did Asher feel responsible for me? Responsible for the accident? But that would not make any sense…it wasn’t his fault!
The questions continued to plague her until finally, one settled in her mind. Had Asher confused love with a sense of responsibility?
Bending forward, she placed her elbows on her knees, holding her head in her hands, rubbing her forehead trying to alleviate the ache, tired of the memories piercing her brain.
No answers were coming, and she had not really expected them to. She pushed off the sofa and made her way to her bedroom. Pulling off her pants, she glanced down and realized she was still wearing the T-shirt of his that she had grabbed off the floor earlier. Her hands reached for the bottom of the material, its worn softness smooth under her fingertips. Unwilling to pull it off, she left it on as she crawled into bed.
She reached over to set her alarm, and she hesitated before cutting it off. Deciding that the next day would be a rare sick day for her, she closed her eyes and fell into a fitful sleep.
* * *
Asher sat in his truck across the street from Penny’s apartment building, keeping an eye on the front door. When she did not emerge in time for her to make it to work, he grew worried, knowing she was upset. Watching the minutes tick by, fear clawed at him. He had sent another message, asking if she was okay, but she had not replied. Just as he was throwing open the door to go to her apartment, his phone vibrated with an incoming message.
Fine. Sick day.
Both relieved and frustrated, he leaned his back against the car door, arms crossed in front of him, chin dropped, staring at his boots. At least he knew she had not done anything stupid, but he remembered her once telling him that she took pride in almost never taking a sick day. He also thought back to the previous day when she had been so excited to stand up to her boss and had been stunned with the acceptance from a few of the other employees.
She had been so happy. So proud of herself. And he had been so proud of her. She thought their love had empowered her, but the reality was she had that power in her all along. Scrubbing his hand over his face, he pushed off from the door of his car, turned and climbed back inside. From her curt message, she obviously was not ready to talk, and he was determined to give her the space she needed.
Without thinking, he drove, eventually finding that he was not at one of his worksites but at the homeless shelter. Not surprised to see Zeke’s truck, he parked and went inside.
As he entered through the front door, he did not recognize the receptionist but saw the shelter's manager coming out of her office.
She looked up and smiled in recognition, calling out, “What a surprise! Good morning, Asher.” She glanced down at the receptionist and said, “Let me introduce you to one of our founders. This is Asher Swain, the benefactor who did most of the renovations on this building when we opened.”
She turned back to Asher and asked, “Why are you here so early this morning? Planning on having breakfast with the residents?”
They fell into step as they walked down the hall together toward the dining hall. “To be honest, I was out driving around and found myself here. I saw Zeke’s truck, and thought I’d see if he needed any help this morning.”
Just outside the dining hall, she turned to him and said, “I was going to call you this week. We’ve gotten approval to open a few more rooms in the women’s section that will be big enough for them to have cribs or second beds for their children. We’re also working with one of the women’s shelters to provide basic job skills training for them.”
As disheartened as he was over Penny, he was pleased to hear that news about the homeless shelter. He wondered if something like that had been available for his mom when they were forced to stay in the homeless shelter if she would have taken a different path. At the time, meeting and falling for Tim, a man who had little to offer her other than his small home, must have seemed like a lifeline to his mom. “That’s wonderful,” he said with sincerity.
“You’ve got yourself to thank for all of this,” she responded, tossing her hand out to the side indicating the space. “Your donation to help us buy this building, and then providing a lot of the remodeling at only cost for the materials, is a big reason we’re here today.”
Shaking his head, he said, “You would have gotten the money from somewhere. It meant something to me, and I’m just glad I could help.”
She tilted her head to the side, peering up at him for a moment before saying, “You’re different than the last time I saw you. The sparkle has gone from your eyes.”
Shrugging, he shoved his hands in his pockets and said, “Just had a rough night, that’s all.”
Patting his arm, she replied, “Well, whatever caused your rough night, I hope you work things out with her.” Before he had a chance to refute her correct assumption, she winked and walked back down the hall.
Wondering if his emotions were written all over his face, he shook his head and moved through the dining room in search of Zeke. Not surprised to find Zeke in the kitchen, barking out orders to a few of the shelter residents who had kitchen duty that day, he nodded at his brother before grabbing the vats of scrambled egg and moving to the dining room, placing them in the steamer trays. Continuing to make trips back and forth, he hauled potatoes, bacon, and platters of toast.
Joining the others serving, he stood next to Zeke, and they dished out the food as the shelter residents came through. The men in the shelter stood back, allowing the children to be served first. Once everyone else had gone through the line and the other servers had taken their plates and sat down, he turned and looked at Zeke.
Before he had a chance to speak, Zeke said, “From the look on your face, you’ve told Penny that you remember her from childhood. I take it she didn’t take the news well?”
Shaking his head, his heart once more plunging into his stomach, he said, “She knows. But I didn’t tell her.”
Eyes wide, Zeke gasped. “How the hell did she figure it out?”
Glancing around at the crowded room, he turned his back toward the tables before twisting his arm so that his forearms were pointing up. “She got a close-up look at my tattoos, noticing that the roses were designed around the cigarette burns the asshole gave me when I was a kid. It brought back the memories of when she saw them when we were little.”
Zeke’s gaze dropped down to Asher’s arms, and he let out a long sigh. “I’m so fuckin’ sorry, man. Both for the reasons you got those tattoos the way you did and the fact that she recognized them.”
Zeke led the way back to the kitchen, where they poured mugs of strong coffee, and both men leaned their hips against the counter, silently sipping for a few minutes.
“The fuck of it is, I was going to tell her last night,” he admitted. “I was nervous as shit but had practiced exactly how I wanted everything to come out.” Shaking his head, he said, “But she came home almost dancing with excitement about finally telling her boss off. Then she said she was empowered because of the love we had.”
“Jesus, man,” Zeke said, his eyes wide. “No wonder you didn’t say anything last night.”
Shrugging, he added, “It’s still my fault. I could have done it right when she first told me who she was, but I was so stunned. Then, the longer I put it off, it became harder to do.”
Continuing to sip their coffee, Zeke finally asked, “So what now?”
“I don’t know. She said she needed time to process everything, and I agreed to give her that, but I’m wondering if that was a mistake. I’m afraid the longer she’s away from me, the less real our feelings for each other will seem.”
“Maybe you should have Miss Ethel talk to her,” Zeke suggested.
His spine stiffening, Asher shook his head with vigor. “Oh, hell no. This is o
ne time I don’t think that Miss Ethel can help.” Seeing Zeke’s confused expression, he continued, “The last thing I want is for Penny to realize that others knew the secret I was keeping from her."
Nodding in understanding, Zeke said, “Gotcha. I hadn’t thought of it like that."
“I’m going to give her a little bit more time, and then I’ll see her and beg her to listen to what I have to say.”
As he set his mug down, Zeke clapped him on the shoulder. “I’m glad you came by to see me, Asher. Anything you need—from any of us—all you gotta do is let us know.” They pulled each other into a hug before breaking away. With a wave, he headed outside to his truck. Deciding to go to one of his worksites, he figured pounding on nails would be a good way to get out his frustration.
26
Her hair more stringy than sleek and pulled up in a messy ponytail, Penny slouched around her apartment in sweatpants and Asher’s T-shirt. Her wooden movements were sluggish, both from lack of sleep and lack of caring.
Janie had sounded stunned when she called to say that she would not be in today because she was sick, but the young woman did not even wish her well before hanging up.
Nibbling on a piece of toast while standing at the counter with her second cup of coffee in front of her, she was surprised to hear a knock on her door. Irritated that Asher would come by after she told him she needed time to think, she moved to the door and threw it open without looking through the security hole.
Mouth open, ready to speak, she snapped it shut at the sight of Miss Ethel standing in the hallway. With her hair perfectly coiffed in a bun and a touch of light berry lipstick adorning her face, she was dressed in a pastel pink dress with a heavy gray shawl draped around her shoulders. Looking beautiful and put together, Penny was mortified to be still standing in her slouchy clothes.
“Uh…” she stammered in greeting.
Asher: Heroes at Heart Page 18
