by Lucy Smoke
“It hurts.” I’m shocked when the admittance comes out—so shocked I almost start to look around to see who said the words, but no, they’re mine.
Thayer smiles one of his signature smiles and pulls me impossibly closer, until my head is tucked back under his chin. “I wouldn’t expect anything less,” he says.
“I thought you were going to tell me to not feel bad… aren’t you supposed to comfort me?”
“There’s very little comfort for grief,” he replies.
I place two hands on his chest and push until I put a good foot of distance between us. We’re not dancing anymore, just standing in the middle of the bar with other couples around us swaying to the music and the clink of the bartender and servers as they work for their keep. “Is that all that I am now? Just a grieving mess?”
“No, Firecracker, you are so much more.” Thayer reaches for my hand, and I let him take it. He leads me out of the crowd and we head for the front door. Aaron meets us there, holding it open—I guess he must have been taking care of the tab because we’re leaving now, walking out into the streets of Tartarus. The chrome buildings are muted by the darkness of night, appearing more black than blue and silver.
“Come on, Rocket. Stick close.” Aaron’s hand moves to the middle of my back as I stumble.
I look up at him. God, he’s so fucking tall. “Why do you call me Rocket?” Levi told me it had something to do with him being a Sky Rover—a respect thing, but I want his answer. Aaron’s truth.
We stop in the middle of the street, no cars appearing from either direction and I continue talking. “I saw how the others looked at you when you did it the first time. It’s supposed to be something special, right? So, why do you call me that?”
Thayer sighs as Aaron reaches out and takes my hand from his. He sweeps me up into his arms. “Hey!” I slap a hand against his chest as he strides forward across the street and onto the walkway opposite us. “Put me down!”
“Because you’re special, Rocket,” he whispers, now that Thayer is several feet back, though still following. “And I won’t give the name to another. Not when I have yet to meet a woman as tenacious and wild as you. Not when the recklessness of your spirit encourages me so. Not when your compassion and the way you love impresses me as much, if not more so than any man I’ve ever known.”
I blink, shocked. Aaron carries me with Thayer at our backs until we reach a familiar looking pod complex. I vaguely recall it as the very same complex I woke up in after they captured me the first time. It feels like I’ve known them for years rather than a handful of weeks. I turn my face into his neck as he hits the button on the elevator.
“Just a little longer, Rocket, I want to get to the pod as quickly as possible and we’re all the way at the top,” Aaron whispers into my hair. I clutch him harder when the doors slide open and he and Thayer step inside. I close my eyes and breathe through my mouth as we slowly—too slowly—ascend.
“Is Levi here?” Thayer asks.
Aaron nods.
“Why is Levi here?” I ask, realizing that my voice is slightly slurred. I’m not sure if it’s because my lips are pressed against Aaron’s skin or because of all the alcohol in my system. I think I’m finally starting to feel the effects. My movements are more languid, my head is heavier. I kind of like being carried by my Hercules.
They don’t answer me, though, and when the elevator doors slide open I can breathe easier again. Aaron stomps down the hallway, Thayer moving in front of him to open the door to their little pod. Levi is in the living area, legs propped as he holds a tablet up and reads through something. When the door swings in and smacks against the wall, he looks over.
“What happened?” he asks, standing up and setting the tablet to the side.
“She’s drunk,” Thayer explains.
“I’m not drunk,” I say, hiccupping at the same moment that I hit Aaron’s chest again.
“Right.” Thayer chuckles.
“Here, set her down on the couch.” Levi gestures to the spot he just vacated.
“Hercules?” I look up at Aaron as he sets me down. Levi frowns at the nickname.
“Yes, Rocket?” Aaron asks as Levi’s face hardens behind him. I glance between them, my head bobbing from one side to the other. It’s hard to keep from letting it slide back on my shoulders when exhaustion creeps up the back of my spine, telling me to just close my eyes and all will be well.
“Um…” I look at Thayer, who stands off to the side with both hands on his hips and an easy, affectionate smile on his face. “Never mind.”
Thayer tilts his head at me and I feel my cheeks heat. What the fuck is wrong with me? Maybe I am drunk. He sighs and turns toward the door. “I’m gonna run to the convenience store a block over and grab something to drink—something non-alcoholic,” he throws over his shoulder before he disappears out the door.
I bite my lip, dragging my teeth back and forth.
Levi sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Just spit it out, Troublemaker. You know whatever you’re thinking of now is going to remain in your head unless you get it out.”
I stare at him over Aaron’s shoulder, my thoughts scrambling to catch up. I forget what I was thinking before and now all I can remember is Levi’s lips on mine—the heat of his kiss—and then the words spill out before I can stop them. “Why did you kiss me?”
Aaron’s face goes slack and then he stands up and turns toward Levi. “You what?”
Levi’s eyes widen, and his hands go up. “Wait, hold on.”
I make a grab for Aaron’s shirt and nearly roll off the side of the couch. He spins and grabs me just before I hit the floor. “It’s not his fault,” I say quickly.
As soon as Aaron is sure I’m back on the couch and not in danger of falling off again, he flips his gaze back to Levi. “I can explain,” Levi says.
“I suggest you do,” Aaron says darkly. “What is this about?”
I’m confused, and I use my hand to grab onto Aaron’s shirt again, bringing his attention back to me. “Why are you so upset? Levi wouldn’t hurt me.” I look over Aaron’s shoulder at Levi, “Would you?”
Levi heaves a great sigh, but Aaron is the one who answers, “No, he wouldn’t hurt you. But Levi doesn’t… he’s not the type–”
“I wouldn’t take advantage of her.” Levi steps up on my other side, looking intently at Aaron.
“You didn’t mean it then?” I don’t know why, but that makes my chest tighten and squeeze until it’s difficult to breathe.
“That’s not–” Levi sucks in a breath—his eyes darting to mine—and then rubs a hand through his hair, casting a desperate look at Aaron.
“Don’t you look at me,” Aaron says coolly. “You can explain it to her.”
“Such a good friend, you are,” Levi snarks before dropping down onto the couch next to me.
“I’m not gay,” Levi says looking at Aaron first and then at me.
I snap my neck back and glare at him. Not this shit again. “I told you—you don’t have to be—”
Levi’s hand covers my mouth, his thick fingers over my lips. My breath stutters in my chest. “I know, Troublemaker,” he says, his amber eyes softening before he looks at Aaron.
Perhaps it’s been a long time coming for the two of them—if so, I’m thankful that Thayer decided to leave, at least for a short while. Levi’s mouth pinches down, his features strained so tightly he looks like if I flick him, he might shatter into a million pieces and scatter across the world. I reach out and take his hand in mine. He looks at me and I urge him on with a nod of my head.
“I’m not gay, but… I love you, Aaron.”
Aaron doesn’t blink. He doesn’t snap his head back in disgust or move away. In fact, if it weren’t for the fact that I notice how still he is—how his chest isn’t moving—how his eyes are trained on Levi’s face—I might be tricked into thinking he’s not reacting at all. The thing about Aaron, though, is that he reacts differently than everyone else
.
“Well?” Levi’s hand clenches on mine. “Say something, man.”
“You… love me?”
Levi nods quickly.
“And you kissed Cassandra?” Aaron lifts a brow.
“Well, that was an accident–” I narrow my gaze on him. He grits his teeth. “I thought you and Cass were—what I mean to say is, I thought the two of you were… and I wasn’t sure she could be trusted, but Cass is…” He looks back down at me. “It’s complicated.”
“Because you don’t love just me anymore, do you?” Aaron asks, lifting a brow.
I’m freaking out inside, and the only reason I haven’t yanked my hand away from Levi is because my insides are a riot of emotions. Didn’t I just swear I wouldn’t do this to myself? Kida was my one and only. There are no more chances for me, certainly not so soon. That makes me a shit girlfriend. Her body is barely cold and already, I’m considering moving on because it doesn’t sound like Aaron’s wrong. Levi’s not denying it, and that thought does make me pull my hand away.
“I just wanted to know why you kissed me,” I say quietly, scooting to the furthest end of the couch and away from the two of them. “I’m sorry, I think you’re right, I did drink too much.” I stand on wobbly knees.
“Cass, wait, I—”
I wave my hands at the both of them even though Levi is the one who spoke. “It’s fine, you guys have your thing going on. It was an accident, I get that—” Okay, maybe I’m a little bitter. I shouldn’t be angry about it, but I am. I’m not an accident. Kissing me isn’t… it shouldn’t be an accident. Or maybe it should, it seems the people I love always end up dead. Who would want to kiss me if I’m the cause of all that? Kida. My brother—but then, I had only loved my brother as a child and what happened to him… well, that was his own fault. Still, though, maybe I’m just bad luck.
“Cassandra.”
I stop at the sound of Aaron’s tone—a low rasp that incites something inside me, makes it burn hot until it consumes me completely, until I can feel the flush under my skin.
“I think you’re getting the wrong idea, Cassie.” Levi reaches for my arm, but I draw it away and look down to the floor. Out of the corner of my eye, I see his fist flex as if he wants to grab me anyway, but he refrains. He forces himself to drop his hand. “Cassie, things are complicated right now, but they’re not always going to be that way. I know—we know you’re hurting. The thing between…”
I look up when he trails off. Levi releases a slow breath before continuing. “The thing between Aaron and me can wait.”
I shake my head. “No,” I say. “It shouldn’t wait. You never know if you’ll miss this chance.” Because life can be snatched away so quickly. When you least expect it. Death waits for you to forget that he’s there—he’s always there—and then… I sniff hard and turn slightly, enough to still keep them in my sights, but hopefully they can’t see how hard I’m trying not to cry. “Please, just forget I said anything.”
Levi and Aaron cast each other a look filled with meaning, but I keep my mouth shut and don’t respond, choosing, instead, to head for the hallway. “I’m going to go lay down. Wake me up when we’re going back to the penthouse.” Hopefully, I’ll be able to get some rest here while I can, but considering my heart craves to know the true ending of their story—now that Aaron knows Levi’s feelings—I know very little sleep is in my future.
I open the door to the first room I come to. It’s not Thayer’s, that much is obvious—his room is the only room I would know since it’s the only one I’ve been in. I ignore the dark corners of the unknown room and move toward the outline of the bed before crawling under the sheets. My body shivers against the chill of material. I curl on my side and pray that at least Levi and Aaron can be happy even if I can never be.
My eyelids are heavy, but sleep doesn't come for me. I drift in and out of consciousness as I lie in the unfamiliar bed. Every sound keeps me from letting go, so, when the door slowly creaks open, and two sets of heavy feet approach the bed—one on either side—I'm awake.
Aaron slides in on one side and Levi on the other, I look up into Levi's sunset gaze—the brown hues swirling in a golden mixture. "What are you doing?" I ask.
Aaron pulls me against his chest, and for the first time in the hour since I crawled into this bed, I sag with true exhaustion, and sink into him. "Don't worry about it, Rocket. It's time to get some sleep. We go back in the morning."
“Did you two talk?”
“We did,” he says. “Now, go to sleep.”
“But are you going to be okay? About…” I let my voice trail away into the darkness of the bedroom.
Aaron sighs heavily, and Levi shuffles against me. “I care about him. And I care about you. Let it be what it is.”
I nod and close my eyes, though I still feel Levi's gaze on me as he moves closer to my front. His fingers find mine under the sheets and he entwines our hands. "It's going to be okay, Cass," he says. "We'll figure the rest out together." I don’t know if he means him and Aaron, or if he includes me in that ‘together’, but I’m almost hoping for the latter.
Grief, Fear, Love
When I wake up, the guys are gone. Well, not all of them, I realize when I walk out into the living room to see Thayer sitting on the couch with a bowl of something in his hand. He nods towards the mini kitchen when he spots me. "There's food waiting on the counter if you're hungry."
I move into the kitchen to see what he's made. A second bowl sits, covered with a plate, and when I lift it and peek beneath, I see it's some type of granola with dried fruit mixed in. I set the plate aside and take the bowl into the living room where Thayer is, snagging a spoon on my way.
"Where is everyone?" I ask, scooping spoonful’s of the food into my mouth.
Thayer swallows and then stands to take his now empty bowl back to the kitchen. As I watch him go, my eyes are drawn to the tapering of his waist into a tight backside. When he turns around the counter, facing me once more, I jerk my eyes away and shove another spoonful into my mouth.
"They're back in the training center," Thayer says. "Don't worry, Haze is on his way here and then we'll go."
"Why is Haze on his way here?" I ask between bites. "Shouldn't he just meet us there?"
Thayer grimaces, his bowl slipping from his fingers and clattering into the sink. "Um... yeah, well, um... Vincent wants us to stick together as much as possible. So, he um..."
I lower my spoon and spear him with a look that when he finally lifts his gaze to mine only makes him more uncomfortable. "If Vincent wanted us to stick together as much as possible then Haze wouldn't be on his own right now," I point out. "He wants you guys to guard me, doesn't he?"
Thayer sucks in a breath before releasing it as he closes his eyes for a moment and then reopens them. "I'm sorry, Firecracker. He's just worried that–"
"He's worried that I'll be Kida all over again." I stand up and when I pass by him into the kitchen I set my empty bowl on the counter. "I think he forgets," I say, reaching for the front door, "I'm not Kida. No one wants me dead." Because no one cares. I yank it open and sprint out into the hall as he calls after me.
I hear Thayer fumbling to follow me, and I do feel bad, but I'm just so angry. Furious enough that I actually move towards the elevator—I hate the damn thing, but if it will get me away faster, I’ll suffer through it with my eyes closed. How long can I hold my breath? I wonder.
I don’t have to wonder long because I never make it.
The doors to the elevator open and Haze steps out. He sees me running full tilt towards him and without batting an eyelash, sweeps me up into his arms. I glare at him and fold my arms across my chest as he strides down the hall, past a surprised-looking Thayer, and deposits me back on the ground in the living room of the pod.
“What,” he begins looking from Thayer to me, “the hell did I step into?”
I glare up at him, without responding.
Thayer quietly ambles back into the pod and closes t
he front door. “She’s upset about guard duty,” he answers.
Haze sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Cass–” he starts.
“You’re treating me like a child,” I snap.
“Well, you’re fucking acting like one.” Haze drops his hand and we both continue to glare at each other.
Finally, I break the silence. “Why does Vincent want you to follow me around?” I demand.
“Just let it go,” Haze orders.
I drop my arms and clench my fists, stepping up—right against his chest, in his space. “No.”
“Listen, I know you–” Thayer says, reaching out.
I jerk away from him and back up, staring at the both of them through narrowed eyes. “You don’t know anything!” I yell. My chest contracts and even as my voice gets louder, it hurts to breathe.
“Cass–”
“Stop! Stop saying my name! I don’t want to hear it anymore.”
“Firecracker?” Thayer’s tone wavers as he glances to Haze for reassurance, as if he doesn’t know what to do, or how to approach me. He can’t. My throat squeezes.
“Not that either,” I say.
“Then what?” Thayer asks. “What do you want me—us—to call you? I’m trying here, can’t you fucking see that we’re trying? We get that you’re grieving,” he continues quietly. “I know it hurts. We’re just trying to give you time.”
Stop. I want them to stop. Stop giving me time to think. Stop giving me a second to remember all that I’ve lost. I’ll never get over it, I think. It’s going to be with me forever.
Haze disrupts my thoughts by stepping into my space this time. His hand lands on my cheek, soft and gentle. I flinch. “Vincent wanted you protected,” he says, “but we want to protect you.”
I fall into those sharp hazel eyes—past the flecks of brown, gold, and green. Deeper. Until I’m all the way in. Until I can feel his chest against mine and the fabric of his synthetic cotton shirt against the skin of my cheek. Until breathing is easier with him touching me. Until tears leak out of my eyes and onto his arm. And I’m shaking. Breaking. Falling the fuck apart.
