by Ash, Nikki
My phone goes off and I pull it out, hoping it’s Keegan. But it’s not. It’s Sierra.
I click on the text and a picture of Keegan reading Zane a bedtime story pops up. By the way it’s taken, it’s obvious she snuck the picture, and that has me grinning. Keegan’s holding The Giving Tree, and Zane is looking up at his daddy like he hung the moon.
The book is old, given to me by my aunt when I was little. She shared my mom’s and my love of reading. She wrote a note in the front and signed it. She died a few years later from cancer. It was part of the book collection I was allowed to grab when we were forced to leave our home after our parents died and the state’s attorney’s office would only let us take our personal belongings.
Over the years, when we moved from our grandmother’s home, to Jordyn’s, and then here, I’ve lost several items along the way, but I made it a point to keep the book collection. The Giving Tree is the only book in the collection that’s meant for kids, and Zane cherishes it as much as I did when I was his age.
While I’m staring at the picture, my sister sends another. This one is of Zane with his head on Keegan’s shoulder and his eyes closed. Keegan is still holding the book, but he’s looking at Zane, his eyes filled with parental love.
Wait a second… is he still there? Maybe he didn’t respond to my text because he was busy with our son. Have I been sitting at this stupid party while he’s at my house waiting for me?
Me: Is Keegan still there?
“No,” a husky voice says in my ear from behind. “He’s right here.” When I whip my head around, I find Keegan leaning over the back of the couch.
“Hey,” I say in shock. “What are you doing here?”
“J.C.’s a popular guy.” He shrugs. “Doesn’t everyone attend his parties?”
“I guess.” I lift a shoulder and turn my body to face him.
“Thought you were studying,” he says, only curiosity in his tone.
“We finished and Brenton asked to come by here.”
“You don’t look like you’re really enjoying yourself.”
“It’s not really my scene,” I admit. “Did you have a good night with Zane?”
Keegan’s face lights up. “The best. You’re raising one amazing kid.” His words fill me up like helium.
“Thanks.”
“What the hell are you doing here?” a menacing voice booms. When I look over Keegan’s shoulder, I spot Brenton standing right behind him.
Keegan stands and turns around to give Brenton his attention. “Just hanging out, man.” I can’t see his face, but I can hear the overly happy tone in his voice.
“You following Blakely and me?” Brenton accuses.
Before Keegan can answer, I say, “I’m ready to go.” Both guys glance at me.
“All right, I’ll take you home,” Brenton says first. Keegan’s jaw ticks, but he doesn’t argue with Brenton.
“I rode my board,” he says, which explains why he didn’t offer to take me home. The truth is, I would rather walk home with Keegan than ride with Brenton, but that would make me look stupid, and it would be ridiculous for Keegan to walk me all the way home and then have to go back to his place—speaking of which, I have no clue where he lives. Maybe he lives near me and is going in the same direction.
Not wanting to cause an unnecessary fight between the two guys, I decide to just go with Brenton. He lives right below me, so it only makes sense. Plus, my backpack is in his car anyway. “Okay, I’ll text you later,” I tell Keegan.
“Yeah,” he says back. Then he adds, “Text me when you’re home, please.”
I nod, then stand, and that’s when Brenton steps around the couch and grabs my wrist, pulling me away from Keegan. “Let’s go, Blakely.”
“Don’t fucking touch her,” Keegan barks.
“Don’t fucking tell me what to do,” Brenton threatens.
“Brenton, let go of me, please.” I glance up at him, confused as hell why my best friend, who has always been nothing but kind and sweet, is suddenly acting like such a raging asshole.
He inhales a deep breath, obviously to calm his temper. A temper I’ve never seen until Keegan showed up. “Sorry.” He sighs. “I didn’t mean to grab you that hard.”
“You okay?” Keegan asks, his hands fisted at his sides. I can tell it’s taking everything in him not to lose his shit.
“I’m fine. I’ll text you when I get home.”
Keegan opens his mouth to argue but thankfully doesn’t. Instead, he gives me one curt nod and then shoots Brenton a threatening glare.
Brenton’s quiet as we walk to his car and during the short drive to my house. I’m expecting him to say something, anything, but he remains silent when he parks in his assigned spot and gets out of his car.
“Are you doing anything this weekend?” I ask to make conversation. He shakes his head. “Okay, well, I guess I’ll see you later…”
“Yeah, maybe,” he says, heading straight to his apartment and not giving me another glance.
I take the stairs up to my place, thinking about how everything is suddenly changing. I can’t even remember a weekend where Brenton hasn’t spent time at my place. I know he’s upset about Keegan suddenly appearing, but I just don’t understand why he’s letting it affect our friendship. Unless, Sierra was right…
When I get inside, Sierra is still awake, but barely. She glances over at me, and when she sees I’m frowning, she sits up.
“What’s wrong?”
I drop my backpack onto the chair, kick my sandals off, and sit next to her. “I think you were right.”
“I usually am.” She grins. “You’re going to have to be more specific.”
I roll my eyes. “I think Brenton might like me… as more than friends.”
Sierra laughs, and I glare. “Sorry.” She covers her mouth to stifle her laughter, but it still seeps through. “It’s just that… well… duh.”
“I really didn’t know,” I tell her. “And now he’s mad at me because of Keegan.”
“What happened with Keegan?” Her eyes widen in anticipation.
“Nothing. He’s just mad at him being around, I guess.” I fall backward on the couch and sigh. “I don’t know.”
“Do you like him?”
“Who?”
“Brenton?”
“As a friend.”
“Nothing more?” She pushes.
I turn my head to face her. “Nothing more.”
“Then you’re going to need to make that clear.”
“How the heck do I do that?” I whine. “I’ve never done anything to lead him on. I don’t get it.” I huff in annoyance. “Why must men be so complex?”
Sierra laughs. “I’m pretty sure they feel the same way about us… and you just tell him.”
“Right.” I scoff. “So, the next time I see him, I should just go up to him and say, ‘Even though you haven’t actually said you like me, I think you do, and you should know I don’t like you like that, so can we please stay friends?’ That sounds so stuck-up. Like I’m full of myself.”
“No, but you can bring up how he’s been acting and ask him why. And when he mentions it’s because he likes you, you can tell him you’re sorry, but you don’t feel the same.”
“Ugh!”
My phone dings, reminding me I never texted Keegan. When I pull it out, sure enough, there’s a text from him asking if I made it home okay.
Me: Sorry! Yes, I’m home and hanging out with my sister.
Keegan: Would it be too much to ask if I can come by tomorrow to see Zane? No classes on Fridays for me.
I pause for a moment. Friday has always been Zane’s and my day. Then again, so is Saturday and Sunday and every day and night I don’t have to be at school or studying. Things are changing, and I’m going to have to get used to sharing my son. This is what I wanted… and if I’m honest, I’m okay with that. Plus, spending time together with our son would be a good way to figure out if we still have the chemistry we had before.
Who am I kidding? Every time the guy looks at or speaks to me, I can feel the chemistry sizzling between us.
Me: I don’t have class on Fridays either. Zane and I go to the park. Wanna join us?
Keegan: That sounds good. I’ll pick you guys up in the morning.
Me: It’s the park we walked to.
Keegan: I’ll still pick you up. 9:00?
Me: Perfect
“Keegan or Brenton?” Sierra asks.
“Maybe neither…” I smart.
“Yeah, okay.” She rolls her eyes. “You don’t talk to anybody else.”
“Am I really that much of a recluse?”
“No… well, yes. You’re just so busy being super-student and super-mom.”
“I’m neither of those.”
“You are.” She lays her head down on my shoulder, and I lay my head against hers.
“Yeah, well, if I’m super-student and super-mom, you’re super-sister and super-aunt.”
Blakely
“All right, bud,” Keegan says through a smile, “you got this.” I follow behind Keegan and Zane, snapping pictures of Zane on his first skateboard.
When Keegan showed up this morning, with a long, rectangular box in his hand, telling Zane he got him a skateboard, I thought he’d lost his mind and proceeded to tell him so. He laughed and told me to trust him. So, I took a deep calming breath, making him think I was doing as he asked, all the while imagining every worst-case scenario—my son falling and cracking his head open, breaking an arm, scraping his tiny knees on the asphalt. But then I saw the skateboard put together—an adorable SpongeBob design with three blue wheels and matching colored handlebars—and I felt like shit for not trusting him. He even made sure to include a matching helmet and pads.
I run to get ahead of Zane, so I can get pictures of his face. Keegan is speed walking next to him, staying close just in case Zane somehow tips over. As I snap the picture of the two of them, grins wide and dimples sticking out, my heart swells, and I get choked up. Keegan’s eyes meet mine, and his head tilts slightly to the side, silently asking what’s wrong. I shake my head, willing the tears to not fall.
When we get to the park, Zane sees one of his friends from school, and after taking off his helmet and pads, takes off to play with him, leaving Keegan and me to follow behind.
“Everything okay?” he asks.
I could lie and tell him everything is fine, downplay what I’m feeling, but I go with the truth. “When I was pregnant with Zane, I’d imagine what it would be like if I found you. To take our son to the park together. To take family vacations, walk him into school together on his first day.” I get choked up once again and have to take a deep breath before I continue. “Seeing the pictures of you and Zane last night, and watching you two this week playing together. You buying him his own skateboard. It’s just… it’s everything I ever wanted for him.”
I turn to face him, no longer caring that the tears are now falling freely. “I want to try. You and me and Zane. I want us to try to be a family.” I was expecting Keegan to smile since he told me this is what he wanted, so I’m confused when his lips turn down into a frown.
He looks at me for a long moment, and then his eyes leave mine to check on Zane. He’s only a few feet away from us, playing in the sand, but I love that Keegan makes it a point to keep checking on him. He’s a natural dad.
“I want that too,” he says, but I can hear the silent but before he voices it.
“But,” I prompt, my nerves getting the best of me. I put myself out there, on the line, like Sierra told me to do, and now I’m freaking out on the inside, scared Keegan no longer wants to try.
“You said you want to try to be a family. Everything you mentioned involved us with Zane.”
“Right…” I don’t understand. Zane is the glue that holds us together. Of course he’s included.
“What about you and me? If Zane weren’t in the picture, would you still want to try?”
“What… I don’t…” I don’t know what he’s asking. “Why wouldn’t Zane be in the picture?”
“If you never got pregnant during our time together, and then four years later we ran into each other, would you want to date me? Every example you gave was about us being a family, and I know you lost your family… and you can have that. The family. My mom and dad can’t wait to meet Zane. Kolton is just as excited. Regardless of what happens between us, we’re a family, Jailbird. We’ll always have a son together.”
Keegan’s gaze flickers from me to Zane and back to me again. “I don’t know much about relationships. I’ve only been in a couple short-term ones. But I can’t imagine that us getting together for the sake of our son can make for a sturdy foundation for a long-lasting relationship.” He stops speaking and smiles. Then he raises his hand and cups the side of my face. “If you want us to try for us, then I’m down. But if you only want to try because you want to give Zane a family, then I think we should just stay friends. Either way, that boy”—he nods toward our son—“is going to have a family. I promise you that.”
Biting down on my bottom lip, I attempt to rein in these foreign emotions that are hitting me full force. Keegan’s right. My speech was all about Zane and giving him a family. But that’s not all I want. It’s just all I know.
“For the last four years my entire world has been about Zane. Making sure he has a roof over his head, that he’s healthy and fed. Feels loved. I worry every day that Sierra and I aren’t enough. Growing up, Sierra and I were given whatever we wanted, but we lacked the love and attention we craved. Our mom tried, but she was torn between trying to be the perfect wife to our father and a good mother to Sierra and me. She would read to us every night no matter where in the world she was with our dad, but he demanded she be his wife first, and there wasn’t a whole lot left of her after she was done giving to our dad.
“When our parents died, they left us broke and with only a few fond memories that we cling to like a lifeline. And because of that, I wake up every day, second guessing every decision I make. I worry that I’m studying too much, feeding Zane too much takeout, so I can get my schoolwork done. I worry that I’m putting school first, and that what I have left to give my son isn’t enough. He’s my first and last thought every day. I never want him to look back and view his childhood the way Sierra and I view ours.”
I know I’m rambling, but it feels good to finally get all of this off my chest. For years I’ve compared myself to my parents. Terrified one move in the wrong direction would make me like them.
“Blakely, I’ve only seen you with Zane a handful of times, and I already know you’re a damn good mom.”
“Thank you. I guess my fear is that if I add you to the picture, where does that leave him? Who do I put first? What if there’s not enough of me for everyone and everything?”
“How about we take it one day at a time?” Keegan suggests. “You’re not doing this alone. You have your sister and now you have me. Take a deep breath, and I think you will find everything will click into place. We’re not your parents. We’re us.”
I do as he says, and Keegan’s lips curl into a soft smile, only one dimple appearing.
Butterflies flutter in my belly, telling me what I already know. “I want you,” I blurt out, and his smile grows, that gorgeous second dimple making an appearance, and those butterflies attack my insides. “Not just for Zane, but for me. It may not work out, but I want to give it a try. If Zane weren’t in the picture, and we ran into each other on campus, I probably would’ve already hooked up with you.” My hands fly to my mouth, and Keegan’s entire face breaks out in the most beautiful smile. Even his damn eyes are smiling.
“I mean…” I try to backpedal, but it’s pointless. We both know I meant exactly what I said.
“Then we try,” he murmurs. Pulling me into him, he throws his arm over my shoulders and tucks me into his side, planting a soft kiss on my temple. “And for the record, I definitely would’ve already hooked up with you.”
I glance up at him, and he peers down, granting me a flirty wink.
We spend the entire morning at the park. Zane’s friend eventually leaves, and his attention goes back to Keegan and me. We push him in the swing, chase him around the play equipment, and Keegan even stuffs himself in the slide to go down with him.
When Zane is wiped out and running on E, we head home. He’s too tired to ride his skateboard, so I walk it alongside me while Keegan carries him piggyback style. I would like to give him a bath and get the sand and germs off him, but when we arrive, he’s passed out on Keegan’s back, his arms slinking around his shoulders like a baby koala holding on for dear life.
Peeling him off Keegan, I carry him to his room and tuck him in for a nap. When I come out, Keegan is checking out all the photos. He’s stopped at the one of Zane walking toward me. “It was the second time he walked,” I tell him, and he raises a brow. “The first time he walked, of course, I didn’t have my phone on me, so I insisted Sierra and I both walk around with our cameras open and ready to go all day.”
Keegan laughs.
“When Sunday night hit, and he still hadn’t walked again, I started to freak out.” I laugh, remembering how crazy I was acting.
“He was thirteen months old and in daycare. The next day was Monday, and I was scared he would walk while he was there, and I would miss it. So, I sat down at one end of the rug and made Sierra sit at the other end. We took turns trying to get Zane to walk to us while the other recorded.”
Keegan shakes his head, his face split into a full-blown grin. “And he did it?”
“No,” I deadpan. “But luckily he didn’t do it at daycare either. When we got home from school, I insisted we try again, and even though Sierra totally thought I’d lost my mind, she went along with it, and after like the fourth time of him crawling between us, he stood and walked to me. Of course Sierra wasn’t prepared.” I roll my eyes. “But she was quick with her phone and snapped a picture before he dropped back down and crawled the rest of the way.”
