“Does she know about this?”
Michelle shook her head sadly and sniffled. “I’ve never told anyone about this.”
Sean didn’t speak.
“There’s more.”
She felt his shoulders sag deeper.
“When Simon and I were together and I thought I was losing him, I tried to seduce him to get him to stay.” She glanced over at Sean. The disappointment was written all over his face.
“So, you and Simon … you didn’t …?” He was fidgeting now.
“No!” She shook her head vehemently.
Sean sat forward and leaned his elbows on his knees.
“I knew it was wrong. I was just so jealous, I couldn’t see straight. I hurt Maggie and Simon, and I failed God and myself.”
“I’m no expert, but I’d say you could use a little counseling yourself.”
She hung her head.
“I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.” He wouldn’t look at her. “But there are reasons why you did those things. Reasons that probably have a lot to do with your childhood. You need to work through that. Counseling really has helped me and the kids. You should take your own advice and try it.”
She nodded weakly. “I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you all of this sooner. I was afraid it would change things between us.”
He was quiet.
“Has it?”
He shifted on the bench, clearly uncomfortable.
All she wanted was for him to tell her they were going to be OK, but his silence spoke volumes. “It has, hasn’t it? I ruined this.”
There were several long minutes of silence before Sean spoke again.
“I think you need to make things right with Maggie. It seems like you’ve been carrying the burden of that secret around with you all these years, and you need to deal with it before you can move forward.”
She wished he had said we rather than you. The tears began to burn her eyes, and her throat felt like it was closing up.
“And I need some time … to process all of this.”
Unexpected sobs suddenly hit her.
Sean wrapped his arms around her, and she buried her head in his chest. He held her while she cried. And, oh, how she cried. Sob after sob ripped through her body uncontrollably as she released all the tension over secrets held too long, disappointment in the night’s unexpected turn of events, and fear that she had lost Sean once again.
When the crying subsided, he kissed the top of her head and let her go.
She turned away from him and wiped at her wet cheeks.
He clicked the velvet ring box closed, and she startled at the sound.
A weak laugh escaped him. “Not exactly how I saw this night playing out.”
She turned to look at him just as he tucked the box back into his pocket. It felt like the end of more than just the perfect proposal.
“I should take you home.”
She stood when he did and walked with him along the sidewalk to the park exit. He didn’t take her hand, and the space between them felt like more than mere inches.
The drive home was silent. When they reached her apartment, he walked her to the door. “We’ll talk soon, OK?”
“OK.” She wasn’t sure how she managed to reply.
He started to walk away, but suddenly turned and pulled her into his embrace.
She wrapped her arms around his back and locked them together, burying her head in his chest. When he started to pull away, she squeezed tighter. If this was it, she wanted to hold onto him for as long as she possibly could.
His arms loosened. “Goodbye, Michelle.”
The air rushed out of her lungs. She dropped her arms and backed away, staring at him in disbelief. It was the worst possible thing he could have said to her.
His expression changed as realization came over him, and his shoulders sank. “Michelle.” His voice pleaded for forgiveness.
Crocodile tears slid down her cheeks. “You know how I feel about goodbyes.”
She quickly unlocked her door and escaped inside.
“I’m sorry.” His words muffled through the door.
She threw herself down on the couch cushions and sobbed until she fell asleep from exhaustion.
The entire weekend was miserable. She spent all of Saturday in the same place she had fallen asleep. Sunday, she dragged herself into the shower, but didn’t make it to church. She lay on her bed for much of the day staring at her ceiling, praying for God to give her the strength to make it through this. On Monday, she called in sick to work. She was physically and emotionally spent, but she knew this was the day she needed to drive to Hastings to talk to Maggie. Sean was right. She had hidden the truth for far too long. It was time.
When she parked in an empty space in front of Maggie’s shop, her stomach churned nervously. She didn’t want to get out of her car. She stared up at the Magnolia Photography sign. Please help me, Lord. She took a deep breath and went inside.
Sarah glanced up from behind her desk. A look of surprise crossed her face. “Hi, Michelle. How are you?”
“I’m fine. Is Maggie in?”
“She’s on a call with a bride right now. Do you have time to wait?”
Michelle held her purse in a death grip. “Sure.” She wandered over to the seating area toward the front of the shop and sat in a wingback chair to wait. This was the first time she had been in Maggie’s shop since her almost wedding to Ben. Had it really been that long? The space had changed a lot since she first moved in. The walls were now lined with photos of gorgeous flowers and wedding cakes and happy couples. She stared at a candid photo of one of the couples sitting together on the steps of The Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island. They looked perfectly happy and in love, and it made her heart ache. She had blown any chance she had of a moment like that with Sean.
Sarah stood then and peeked through the french doors that led into Maggie’s office. “Michelle is here.”
Maggie came out with a big smile on her face. “Michelle! I’m so happy to see you.”
“Me, too,” Michelle managed as she stood.
“What brings you to town?”
Michelle didn’t answer at first.
“I don’t even care.” Maggie suddenly hugged her. “I’m just so glad you’re here.”
Michelle held onto her dear friend, more afraid than ever to say what she came to say. “I just … wanted to talk to you about something.”
“I need to talk to you about something, too.” Maggie motioned to the seating area.
“Um …” Michelle glanced over at Sarah. “Maybe we could talk somewhere more private.”
Maggie’s forehead scrunched up. “OK. We can talk in my office if you want.”
Michelle nodded.
“Do you want something to drink?”
“No, I’m fine. Thanks.”
They walked into the office, and Maggie turned to Sarah. “Can you take a message if anyone calls?” She closed the doors behind them.
Maggie plopped down in her office chair. “I was afraid we would never talk again. And I want you to know how sorry I am about what happened with me and Simon when you two were together.”
“I know.” Michelle’s eye was suddenly drawn to the sizable diamond on Maggie’s left ring finger. “What is that?” She stared at the rock.
Maggie hesitantly held her hand out to Michelle. “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”
“Wow! You’re engaged? I didn’t know you were dating anyone. Who’s the lucky guy?”
“Simon,” Maggie revealed.
Michelle was dumbfounded. “Simon? I thought he moved to California.”
“Well, he was going to, but I asked him not to go.” She could barely contain her smile.
“So, he was wrong,” Michelle said.
“Wrong?”
“Last time I talked to him, I asked about you. He told me that you didn’t want him.”
Maggie glanced down at her ring. “I did tell him that. I was so afraid of bein
g hurt again. I just wanted someone who would be faithful to me, but I thought I couldn’t trust him. I thought he slept with his assistant, so I pushed him away. But I was wrong.”
“Simon wouldn’t do that.” The memory of the night she tried to get him into bed rushed back.
“I know that now. He really does love me.”
“I know he does.”
“And I love him.” She paused. “I hope this isn’t too uncomfortable for you to talk about.”
“Not at all. I’m very happy for you both.”
“We’re getting married in March,” Maggie announced with a deliriously happy look on her face.
“That’s fast.” She thought of her six-month, long-distance relationship with Sean and the near proposal, and her heart ached.
“I know, but I refuse to go through another five-year engagement.”
Michelle’s throat went dry. “Right. Five years. That’s sort of what I wanted to talk to you about.”
Maggie sat back a little in her chair with a look of confusion.
Michelle clung to her purse and fiddled with the zipper. “This is really hard. I don’t know where to start.”
“What is it, Chelle?”
Tears burned behind her eyes, and it hurt to swallow. “I’ve done a lot of things in my life that I regret. You know about some of the things I did when I was younger.”
Maggie nodded.
“But if there’s one thing I regret most, it’s this.” A tear slid down her cheek, and she quickly brushed it away.
Maggie reached across the desk and laid her hand on Michelle’s. “Just tell me. It can’t be that bad.”
“Oh, but it is.”
Maggie continued to look at her with the tender look of a true friend, and Michelle almost changed her mind. She tried to think up a quick excuse, but a little voice whispered. Tell her.
“Do you remember how upset I was the day of your bridal shower? It was after that terrible weekend seeing my dad, and you and I were still upset with each other.”
“Yeah, I remember that.”
“Remember how I took off that night? I was so ticked off, and I yelled at you and stormed out?”
Maggie nodded. “I remember that, too.”
“I left because I was jealous.”
“Jealous? Of what? Of me?”
“I was always jealous of you and your relationship with your family. Your life seemed so perfect, and everything always seemed to go your way.”
“Oh, Michelle.”
“And I was jealous because I was in love with Simon, and I knew deep down that he was in love with you.”
Maggie pressed her lips together.
“It’s always been you, Maggie, ever since college. And that was the day I finally got him to admit that he cared about you. It made me crazy jealous and so angry.”
“It’s OK, Chelle. I understand. We all get jealous sometimes.” Maggie squeezed Michelle’s hand.
“When I left the apartment that night, I went to the one person I knew I shouldn’t. The one person I knew would hurt you the most.” She paused.
Say it.
I can’t.
Just say it.
She closed her eyes. “I went to Ben’s.”
Maggie let go of her hand.
“And we slept together.” Michelle opened her eyes to see Maggie’s face turn white as a sheet. “And then I made him call off your wedding.” Her hands were shaking now.
“Wh … what? What are you talking about?”
“He had been cheating on you, not just with me. I was trying to save you from more pain.”
Maggie struggled to keep her composure. “So, was this like an ongoing thing with you two?”
“No. It was just the once.”
Tears filled Maggie’s eyes. “And that’s supposed to make it all right?”
“No, Maggie. It’s not all right. That’s why I’m telling you. I did a terrible thing, and I’m so sorry. You have no idea how much.” Her chin began to quiver. “I’ve been holding this in for all these years, and I should have told you the truth a long time ago, but I was scared.”
“Get out,” Maggie ordered.
“I came here to ask for your forgiveness. I know it was a horrible, unforgivable thing that I did, but it happened so long ago, and now you have Simon, and—”
“Get out!” Maggie yelled. She had lost her usual kind demeanor.
Michelle had never seen that look in Maggie’s eyes before. It was anger, hurt, and betrayal all rolled into one. It was like she was looking at a whole different person.
“Maggie, please.”
“Get out of here! Get out of my life!”
Tears streaked down Michelle’s cheeks as she bolted out of the building. She had done what she knew God wanted her to do. She had told the truth, but her worst fears were realized. She had lost Maggie in the process. And she didn’t blame her one bit.
When she arrived home, the pesky light on the answering machine was blinking.
“Michelle.” Simon used her full name, and she knew it wasn’t going to be good. “How could you? How could you do that? Why did you have to ruin what’s supposed to be a really happy time for us? I will never forgive you for this.”
Michelle sank onto her couch. The pain in her chest was almost too much to bear.
Oh, this hurts so much, Lord. I pray one day they will find it in their hearts to forgive me.
26
Alone.
The three most important people in her life were no longer a part of it, and she felt lost again. Only this time, it wasn’t about her career. She had great plans to begin studying for her masters degree, but she had no one to share her excitement with. It put a serious damper on her plans.
She had been honest with Sean about her past, and everything had fallen apart. He said they would talk soon, but he hadn’t called. As three months passed slowly by, it became more and more obvious that he wasn’t coming back into her life. She wished there was something she could do, something she could say to change his mind. But if he couldn’t forgive her for what she had done, especially considering what he had done with Lindsay, then he wasn’t the man God had for her. That wasn’t easy to accept, but she trusted God, and she believed His plan for her life was far greater than anything she could dream up for herself.
Pastor preached a wonderful sermon the Sunday before the Thanksgiving holiday all about counting your blessings. She thought seriously about that. She had her health, a place to live, and food to eat. She had a job she enjoyed and plans to get more involved in counseling through her education. And she had Jesus, the greatest blessing of all. He was more than enough to meet all of her needs. Even so, she was sad.
Her attempt to make things right with Maggie had lost her both of her best friends in one fell swoop. She couldn’t imagine going through life without them. How could she embark on this new career path without their encouragement and support? She needed them.
Lord, you see straight into my heart and you know exactly how I feel. I’m missing my friends so much, and I could use a little encouragement right now.
On Thanksgiving day, she drove to Lake Michigan and sat on the beach in her winter coat, all wrapped up in a blanket. She stared out at the waves lapping against the shore. The steady, cool breeze turned her nose red, but she didn’t care. In her quiet apartment, she felt alone. Sitting next to this massive body of water, she felt closer to the one who made it, the one who made her.
Something wet suddenly touched her cheek, and she turned to see a golden retriever’s nose sniffing at her.
“Sammy!” his owner cried. He ran over and grabbed the dog’s leash. “I’m so sorry.”
Michelle petted the dog’s shiny coat. “That’s OK. He’s cute.”
The dog circled around her and sat at her feet, warming her legs.
“And friendly,” Michelle said with a laugh.
“He is that,” the owner replied. “I’m Mike.” He was an older gentleman with salt-and-pep
per hair and warm brown eyes.
“Nice to meet you.” She felt a little wary of this stranger, but there was something about him, a calming presence.
“May I?” he asked, pointing at the spot next to the dog.
“Sure.”
Mike sat down and petted Sammy’s back. “It’s a little cold for a day at the beach, isn’t it?”
She nodded and laughed. “I just had to come out here to clear my head.”
“Yeah, fresh lake air will do that for ya’.”
“Sammy doesn’t seem to mind the cold.” She rubbed her fingers on the top of his head, and the dog looked at her with an understanding that surprised her. “Wow. I feel like he sees right into me. Like he knows me. Does that sound weird?”
Mike shook his head. “He’s always felt like a wise old soul to me, too.”
“Do you live around here?” she asked.
Mike nodded. “Just up the beach.”
“How nice. I would love to live on the lake someday.”
Sammy barked at some people that walked by, and they laughed.
“I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but you seem troubled,” Mike said.
She looked over at him, and like Sammy, she felt as if he already knew her.
“Maybe I can be of assistance. Sometimes a listening ear and a fresh perspective can be helpful.”
She was hesitant, but almost without knowing, she started spilling her guts about everything — her family situation and rebellious teen years, her time at Cornerstone, the horrible betrayal, and on until the present day.
Mike listened intently to every word.
When she had finished, it was like a gigantic weight had been lifted from her.
“I can’t believe I just told you all of that. I don’t even know you.”
Mike laughed. “People always tell me I’m a good listener. It’s my gift.”
She smiled.
“I have but one piece of advice for you. The Bible says ‘Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.’ The book of Proverbs. I believe you are trusting God, young lady. He has guided you to this career in counseling, where you will do so much good for others in His name. Do not lose faith. All the rest will fall into place.”
Until Then (Cornerstone Book 2) Page 25
