by Lexie Ray
There Rachel appeared again, from the back door, but not like she had every other time. Instead of a stupid grin plastered on her face and red blushing cheeks, she was pale and her lips quivered in sadness. Mascara stains trailed her cheeks and she stood, frozen, the door still agape. “Dad...” she began before emotion seemed to overwhelm her and she dropped to her knees. “He’s dead.”
~~~
Marissa couldn’t remember the conversations that ensued after the devastating news; all she remembered was the latter. She remembered the devastation. She remembered the utter disbelief, the agony, the disbelief again, the loss, the incredibly numbing pain in the pit of her stomach; she remembered it was the worst she had ever felt in her entire life – and there was absolutely nothing that could make it go away.
She knew that she had spoken to Preston and the kids about it all, and they had all determined that she was better off to go first to be with the family and that he and the kids would soon follow. And she knew she took a plane, but she couldn’t tell you anything else. She couldn’t really remember it, but she was also not entirely sure that she was completely there during any of the conversations.
The smell of the summer air and the sound of the crickets chirping were just as she remembered. Ironically she had hoped more than anything recently that she would experience home’s simple blessings once again, but now that she was experiencing them – they seemed almost like a curse.
She was there because her dad wasn’t, and even if she was at the place she loved the most, it couldn’t be a pleasant visit. At that moment, she almost wondered if anything could be pleasant ever again.
There she was, sitting on her grandmother’s porch, just like she had when she was a little girl. This place had always held such fond memories before, and now all she could see was sadness. What used to be her safe haven was now a constant reminder of her father.
As she looked out to the field, which rolled gracefully with hills, before her, she couldn’t help but remember him taking her sledding here. She remembered the gleeful giggles that she sounded out with enthusiasm as she zipped across all of the snow-covered mounds. She smiled at the memory, but her heart panged with intense hurt and loss. If this porch – along with its beautiful memories – couldn’t ease the pain, would anything?
She felt a presence beside her before a warmth rubbed on the outside of her thigh. Looking down she noticed a brown and limping fuzz ball pressing against her lovingly: little Grubby Bones. The decrepit old dog had always been a favorite of hers. Its emotional senses seemed to be honed to perfection; anytime anyone needed a warmth, a loving embrace of some kind, he appeared.
Her grandmother had gotten this dog almost twenty years ago, when Marissa was in high school. Seemed like a lifetime ago, but here this dog was – still alive. Marissa cursed. Unlike her father, who seemed to be young and vibrant only yesterday. Funny how that works, isn’t it?
Grubby Bones whined slightly as he leaned his head against her resting hands. She looked down to him to give him a pat on the head, when she noticed some sort of carving in the railing of the porch. She had never noticed it before. JLP. It was her dad’s name, his initials to be exact.
She felt the tears well in her eyes again as she fingered at the indention in the wood. Her throat clenched in a constricting sting, and a sound leaked from it; it was a sound that she had never heard before, let alone one that had ever escaped her body. It had to be the sound of pure anguish. She was suffering.
“He carved that when he was twelve years old,” she heard a soft and gentle feminine voice call from behind her. Her grandmother, that soothing sound – gentle but harsh with age – felt so burdening at that moment to Marissa. She didn’t know what it could feel like to bury your own child, and knowing that her grandmother was about to do so terrified her to the core. It was possible. And that possibility had always haunted her.
“Where’s Preston and the kids? Your mom said they weren’t here yet.” She spoke with intent, but it was an intention Marissa couldn’t quite pick up on. She walked over to the steps – slowly and carefully. Her footsteps were small. The frailty of her body seemed like it might allow her to break apart with every one step that she took, but she made it. Grabbing the railing of the porch that she had finally managed to reach, she was able to steady herself to sit down.
Grubby Bones lay between them and accepted pets from both women with delight. “We agreed I’d come first and he and the kids would come on the day of the funeral,” she replied, her eyes soaked with tears.
“He’s your husband; he should be here,” she said matter-of-factly. Her grandmother wasn’t a traditionalist necessarily, but in some instances, her mind was closed tightly and securely. After all, she supposed you couldn’t possess a vault of secrets and wisdom if they were never locked up on occasion. Marissa sighed; this was one of the decisions that the woman’s mind’s eye had narrowed onto, ready to tear apart and judge without filter. “I never understood that man. Always chasing something, never happy.”
Marissa wiped her tears, and her brows furrowed in confusion. What was she talking about?
“He never seemed to be satisfied with anything. He sought promotion after promotion. Couldn’t see what was in front of him. He has beautiful kids – and he only seems to know one of them halfway. That boy is so smart and just like him. He doesn’t see it, and I’m not sure he ever will.” She was ranting, though it didn’t sound like a rant. Every word her grandma uttered seemed to sound like a vibrant story, and every time she spoke Marissa always listened intently, but now, she seemed to listen even more blatantly. With everything going on at home, her grandmother may have been right.
“If he’s working today – on the day you just lost your dad – then is that really a family member you want around?” she asked, without even waiting for an answer.
“Come on out here!” she yelled inside, her old voice cracking slightly. Marissa had no idea to whom she was calling, but knew she would soon find out. The sound of feet nearing the door sounded and the screen door opened with a small creak. It was only an instant later when out popped a familiar face. Joseph.
He was dressed in a wrinkled vintage t-shirt and shorts, something she had never seen him wear before. She wasn’t entirely sure that he had even owned t-shirts. She returned his half smile with ease – he looked like a man-child. If she hadn’t be so crushed, she knew that she probably would have been laughing.
His tall body was slumped over in sadness, and he looked at her with an odd half smile; a look of sympathy, she imagined. It was so strange to see him quiet for a change; he was being so conservative – it was strange. But more than anything, it was strange that he was there. They were 700 miles away from Chicago – and there he was. She didn’t know how long he had been there, but there he was.
Her sadness didn’t shift, but she felt an emotion like relief rush over her as soon as laid eyes on him.
“Family is who is there for you at the end of the day, no matter if you’re blood or not,” the old lady finished before waving to Joseph with her cane, signaling for him to come over. “Help an old lady up,” she ordered sweetly. And he did. He grasped at her arms and steadily pulled her to her feet. She laughed slightly and walked back towards the door, a smile plastered on her face.
Marissa couldn’t believe the woman’s ease and contentment with the day; her son had just died, and she seemed perfectly fine. She wasn’t angry, but she was a bit concerned.
“There’s another one in the house too,” the old woman called over her shoulder before opening the creaky screen door and entering the house. Another one what?
“Haley’s here,” Joseph responded, without needing Marissa to even ask aloud. The look on her face had been enough for him to feel the need to interject. “She was here before you were.”
And in a mad dash, Marissa fled inside the house and found the woman without difficulty. She was sitting comfortably in the living room, folded up on her grandfather’s old cordur
oy recliner. Marissa smiled widely, but not just from seeing the woman – it was from seeing what lay in front of her on the floor. Sitting Indian-style, watching TV, were two blonde-haired, blue-eyed children who she wanted to see more than anything in the world. “You’re all here!” Marissa called as tears of happiness seemed to replace some of the ones of despair.
~~~
The bonds of family are tricky, indeed. We all have felt the threads loosen as well as tighten around our hearts as we continue in our journeys. As life leads us all in separate directions, we tend to tear away from one another without ever realizing it. It isn’t until we try to yank back at the strings and find nothing there that we realize that we’ve lost something.
In truth, we are all characters in a book somewhere. All of us are main characters in our own life’s story, but we all are fortunate enough to make appearances in others. If you’re one of the lucky ones, you may find yourself as a crossover main character or an incredibly important sub character in someone else’s novel. But perhaps, though, you are merely an extra – a stranger passing on a desolate sidewalk in the night. Regardless, we exist in more than one life. We exist to everyone and to all things surrounding.
We may not be written on every page, or even every chapter, but that doesn’t mean our existence is any less important. Family though – those are the characters found at the end of the book. It doesn’t matter if they’re blood or if they were once strangers. The ones that exist to you on your hard days, and especially your dying day – during that very last word, on that very last page – those are your family. No matter if they are with you physically or spiritually; they’re the ones who matter.
We want things we can never have, and we need things that are never there. As human beings, we are selfish, but it is within that selfishness that we find ourselves. No matter what ailments cause your loved ones to retreat from you – for that string to be broken or loosened beyond tightening, if they are with you – in mind, body, or spirit – on the last page, then they are your family. The question was, who was Haley’s family?
She didn’t realize how love worked before now. She had felt the threads loosen for Marissa ever since she and Preston fell into the abyss of sinful pleasure. Standing with the woman now, tears rushing down her cheeks as she held her children closely and desperately, made it all the more clear – that this was who her family needed to be. The three of them.
Families fight. Families love. Families are unique in the sense that no one person has the same exact family as another. She did love Preston, and she still didn’t know how to deal with it all, but she knew she wanted to try – try to make amends. She hoped more than anything that her book would end with the Lancers; she hoped that her final breath would be spent knowing that she loved them and they her in return.
Then it hit her: she couldn’t just try to make amends. She had to do it.
The only problem was – the woman didn’t even know there was anything to make amends for.
Chapter 16
Marissa stood in silence as they lowered the silver coffin into the ground. She felt a strong male hand lightly grip at her shoulder as she began to quake with tears. The gut-wrenching pain that washed over her as she saw her father lowered into dirt was almost unbearable. The hand squeezed her comfortingly and trailed to the small of her back, rounding small circles to soothe the hurt that she had within.
Though it was unsuccessful, she appreciated the gesture and leaned against him slightly. “Preston texted me; his flight just landed,” the man whispered in her ear. He still hadn’t made it. Part of her hoped that he was already there, standing in the back somewhere, giving her family space; hell, at the very least waiting back at the house. But he wasn’t even there yet.
The airport was over an hour’s drive away, and her father was already being buried. It was then that she realized how much he had changed. It wasn’t the small signs of cheating, or a fucking teddy bear charm found in his nightstand – hell, it didn’t even matter if he was cheating at that moment. He wasn’t there. He wasn’t there before. That wasn’t Preston. Preston cared; Preston’s intuition had never faltered, and he had always managed to be her saving grace. Not now. The man she leaned against, the man who wrapped his arms lovingly around her, was not Preston. It was her friend Joseph.
She cried harder now, the congestion building, making it difficult to breathe. Her husband wasn’t there. Her marriage was in trouble – and she knew that without doubt now. The death of her father was bad enough, but it was something she expected to happen one day. The death of her marriage, however; that was something she never expected.
The rest of the day was a bit of a blur; her mind was jostled with negativity and sadness. She was losing herself – fast. She remembered surrounding herself with her children and family to ease her heart’s discontent. It hadn’t worked as well as she had hoped, but it kept her sane.
Insanity was just beyond the horizon when Preston had arrived even later than expected – apparently having had difficulty finding a rental car. She wondered, though; she wondered if that was true. Could she believe anything he told her anymore?
Though her vision was cloudy, she remembered avoiding him for the rest of the evening. What was the point of him even coming? He had missed the entire funeral, and they were leaving the next day on a flight back to Chicago. There was no point other than appear as a loving husband, which at the moment, she was questioning.
~~~
Haley saw the look of disappointment run across Marissa’s face when Preston arrived after the funeral had already commenced and ended. She found herself angry at him as well. No matter how much she had wanted him to herself previously, there was no excuse for leaving someone alone on the day they needed you the most. Especially if that person was someone you loved, or even just once loved.
She started to wonder how genuine he really was, if he couldn’t even do this for Marissa. Haley said nothing though, nor did she look at him the entire night that they were surrounded by Marissa’s family and friends. She still didn’t know what she was going to tell him, so part of her found relief in the crowd. All she knew was that she needed to tell Marissa the truth. Especially now that she was likely wondering where her husband had gone.
As a member of a failed marriage, she knew the feeling. She knew the questions. What happened? When did it happen? Could it have changed? Haley may not have been able to answer them all, but she may – just may – be able to shed light on her likely suspicions.
Grabbing a glass and pouring herself a splash of red, she saw Joseph standing by his lonesome beside the food table. His arms were folded and his eyes were glistening with sympathy. They had never spoken, but she wanted to change that. She downed the liquid and moseyed over to him, ready to make his acquaintance.
~~~
Once they had arrived home, the tension in the air was thick. She knew that his senses had been attuned enough to know that she was angry. It wasn’t until the kids had gone to bed that he addressed the situation, the time allowing her to stew even longer than she needed to.
“Are we going to talk about this?” he asked pointedly as they lounged on opposing chairs in the living room. She scoffed and looked at him, her eyes still red from the continual spurts of crying spells.
“There’s nothing to talk about. You’re not Preston,” she snapped, wiping her face free of the tears that had just fallen.
“I am Preston. I wanted to give you and your family time to mourn. I even let Haley take the kids!”
“You’re my family, you idiot! I needed you! You’re my husband!” She lost it. She jumped from her chair, so angry that she thought it might be possible to spit flames. “And what about the teddy bear charm?” she screamed, just ready to lay it all out on the table.
His eyes were wide, and he thought for a moment. “The one in my night stand?” He laughed. She wanted to walk up to him and slap him squarely in his chiseled jaw. She wanted to wipe that ridiculous smile off of his face
. She was hurting, and he was laughing. “That’s for Sophie for her birthday, Marissa. It’s a Pandora charm. The bracelet is getting an engraving on the clasp.”
She stopped and was frozen for a moment. He and Haley had gone out and looked for gifts. Perhaps he was telling the truth. She sat down softly on the chair below and allowed her tears to fall freely again. “You really don’t think anything is going on here, do you?” Preston asked gingerly before falling from his respective chair and crawling towards hers. He stood on his knees and grabbed her hands in his. “I love you, honey.”
Marissa shivered and stopped questioning it all. She felt his mouth on hers suddenly, his essence flowing and enticing her in a comforting passion. She didn’t know why, but the idea of falling passionately into bed with him seemed like the right decision. She loved the man, no matter how angry at him she might have been. She thought, maybe – just maybe, he was telling the truth. Perhaps he did truly think it was best to leave her with her family for the day, and maybe he really did have problems getting a rental car.
She questioned her own sanity, fear of growing into “one of those wives” haunting her. She never wanted to be accusatory – she never wanted to be overly needy. She just wanted him. This marriage. This family. And this night.
They fell together in one zealous undertaking. Before she knew it, they were rid of their garments and entwined in one another’s embraces, moans echoing throughout the room. They only hoped that their children were fast asleep by now and wouldn’t examine the source of the noises.
He nipped at the skin of her sex and chased stray droplets of her wetness back up to her folds with his tongue. He threw her legs over his shoulders and pulled her forward to meet his face. She screamed when he spread her cheeks and licked his way back up to her vulva, lingering on her pubic hair. He kissed her tenderly atop her mound, and she moaned, wanting him fully.
