“But you’re not!” Sunshine’s response was so immediate, so forceful, it was almost funny. “You’re nothing like him. You’d never do the things he does or act the way he did.”
I lowered my head and sighed as I glanced at her flat stomach. “I just did. History is repeating itself right now.”
Self-loathing coated my skin like a thick layer of sweat.
We’d been so careful. The day I went back home from Easter, I stopped at the drug store and bought out an entire row of condoms. I’d pulled out that first night and it almost killed me. Peyton hadn’t yet figured out how to ask her mom for birth control, but once she did, we’d do that, too. But we were smart. We were safe, every time.
Every time but the first.
“We don’t know that,” she said, and I raised my eyes. Hurt was evident on her face, yet she still tried to comfort me. It somehow made it worse. “I’m late, and it freaks me out, but we don’t know I’m pregnant for sure. I’ll take a test in the morning, before school, and then we’ll figure it out, okay? This is probably just a false alarm.”
She looked away and I sighed, knowing better than to let hope win out. This was me we were talking about.
“Can you get it?” she asked, squirming on my lap. “I’d ask my parents, but…”
“No, I’ll get it.” No way did I want Coach hearing about this until we knew for sure. “I’ll get it tonight and bring it with me tomorrow. We can use the bathrooms on the second-floor,” I suggested. “Detention kids are the only ones around before seven-thirty, but it’s better to be safe than sorry. Upstairs, no one will even know we’re there.”
I’d slipped back into robot talk, but I couldn’t help it. Shutting down was easier. Feeling was what hurt; it was what got me in trouble. Peyton’s acceptance tricked me into thinking I wasn’t a fuckup. Opening up now could only harm me. Letting myself wonder, imagining what would happen. I couldn’t do that, not yet.
One thing at a time.
As gently as I could, I lifted Peyton from my lap and placed her back on the bench. Then I stood and shoved my hands deep into my pockets, keeping her from reaching out for them. Stopping me from reaching for her.
I kicked at the frame of the picnic table and raised my eyes, allowing myself one last look at her stricken face. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Numbly, Peyton nodded, her rapid breaths rocking her body, and I turned away.
I’d done that. I’d caused her pain. My weakness, my mistakes. My legacy.
I retraced the steps I’d taken here, walking all the way down the gravel path to the gate near the highway. Once there, I headed south and grabbed my phone, sending a text to Rosalyn to meet me at the strip mall a few miles away.
The long walk there in the unforgiving heat would be good. It’d keep my mind busy. Hopefully, it’d wear my body out. As it was, I doubted I’d see a wink of sleep that night.
Or, depending on the test results, ever again.
SATURDAY, MAY 31ST
1 Week until Graduation
♥Senior Year
PEYTON
GALVESTON BEACH HOUSE 9:45 A.M.
Cade huffs as he shoves a pair of shorts in his open bag. “I’m not an idiot, Peyton, I know what I saw.” As I try to find a way to explain, the bedroom door swings open and Carlos steps inside, his ever-present goofball grin in place. I try to warn him to escape when Cade, his back to the door, continues with his rant. “You slept with him, dammit!”
Carlos’s eyes go buggy wide, almost like a cartoon character, and he backpedals out the door, shutting it quickly with a bam. Cade turns at the sound, then forgets it just as quick, looking at me with anguished eyes. “How could you do that to me?”
“I know it looks bad.” I push off from the wall and hold my hands palm up. “But nothing happened last night, I swear.”
After Justin and I talked, our electronic infant woke up again, twice, and sometime around five A.M. we must’ve crashed. When Cade found me this morning, my head was on Justin’s lap, his hands were in my hair, and Justin Jr. was cooing contentedly beside us. Understandably, he wasn’t happy…
“Don’t you trust me?” I ask him, hating myself. It’s a cowardly question, one I’m frankly afraid to hear the answer to. Cade sighs, sinking onto the mattress, and my fear spikes as I sense my concern is warranted.
“I love you,” he says instead, an amazing response… but not to the question I asked.
Cade’s face is open and honest; knowing he loves me should make me happy. But it’s his eyes that do me in. The bleak look in them tears at the healing hole inside my heart.
“I’ve loved you for years, CC, you know that. But trust?” He shakes his head. “I wish I could say yes, I really do. But when it comes to him… you just don’t think clearly.”
I take a step toward the bed. “Listen, you have to believe me. Last night—”
“Was nothing more than a repeat of the same old pattern,” he finishes, a humorless laugh lifting his shoulders. “What surprises me is that I’m even surprised. I’ve played second fiddle to Justin Carter for years. Now… now I see that’s all I’ll ever be. Even though I treat you better than he ever will. Even though I love you more than he ever could. He’s who you want.” Cade drops his head into his hands. “I’m so damn tired of pretending otherwise.”
His posture slumps in defeat and everything in me says to go to him, to hold him tight and deny, deny, deny what he’s saying. But I can’t. As much as I hate it, as much as I loathe what it says about me and my messed up priorities, he’s right. Justin is who I want. Who I’ve always wanted.
I’m seriously a glutton for punishment.
Tremors quake my hands and I fist them under my arms. This feels like an ending.
“Are we… are we breaking up?”
I whisper the words so low, I wonder if he even hears them. Cade stares at the floor for a long, heavy beat, and I assume he didn’t. It’s a relief because hearing would make it real. He’d have to answer. But then, slowly, he nods.
“Yeah.” Cade’s voice breaks, and my heart crumples right along with it. “I think we are.”
It’s not until he stands and grabs his bag that I lose it for real.
“Wait. Where are you going? You don’t have to…” I trail off as he gives me a look.
“Home,” he answers. “I’m going home, Peyton. I think I’ve overstayed my welcome.”
Heaving the bag onto his shoulder, he removes his glasses and scrubs a hand over his face, looking uncomfortable as hell. Like he can’t wait to get away from me. And that… that hurts more than the breakup.
“You can come with me if you want,” he offers, always so damn polite. I hesitate, swallowing past the painful lump lodged in my throat, and he laughs. “Yeah. That’s what I thought.”
Cade rocks back on his heels, and slaps his palms against his thighs. With a decisive nod, he turns toward the door. Numbly, not knowing what else to do, how else to stop this from happening, I fall in step behind him.
I pad out the door and down the stairs, arms wrapped tight around my chest as I watch my best friend leave. Leave the house or leave my life, I’m not sure, and that terrifies me. But I don’t ask. The potential answer is more terrifying than the question.
We make it outside, and the briny scent of the Gulf floats on the breeze. If I stretch my hearing, I imagine I can hear the bells and rings of Pleasure Pier. Maybe it’s good we never made it back. Better. If we were destined to break up anyway, I’d rather keep those memories between us untainted. A perfect snapshot of what we once were. Or could have been, had my head and heart not been owned by Justin Carter.
I stop at the base of the stairs and Cade tosses his bag in the bed of his truck. He stops near the driver’s side door, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. This is goodbye. We’ll see each other at the ranch, around the rodeo circuit, but it will never be the same. It’ll be tainted. Tainted with loss, sadness, and regret.
For a moment, I let myself
wonder what it would’ve been like had things been reversed. How different our lives would be had Cade brought me to the pier freshman year, sweeping me off my feet before I even met Justin. It’s impossible to know for certain, but I’d like to think we’d have been great. Because Cade Donovan is an incredible guy. He’ll find his other half one day. He has way too much love to give not to.
Wrapping one hand around the stair railing as an anchor, I lift the other in a wave, knowing he needs me to be strong. If I ask him to, even now, he’d stay. He’d come back and pretend some more, but I can’t ask him to do that. Not anymore.
Cade nods slowly and his mouth lifts in a small, heartbroken smile. Then, he yanks open the door. The engine fires and I wince, feeling the finality of that sound.
As I stand there, watching the rapidly disappearing taillights, a shadow falls across mine on the pavement. “I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but it’s for the best.”
I give Aly my best attempt at a smile. “Speaking from experience?”
There’s no point in pretending she doesn’t know exactly what just happened. We weren’t exactly quiet, Carlos isn’t known for keeping his mouth shut, and, as I saw yesterday, Aly Reed is sneakily perceptive.
“Yep,” she confirms. She sets her car seat on the ground and lays her head on my shoulder. “It hurts, I know, but in the end, it’s always best to follow your heart. The sooner you do that, the less pain is involved.”
We stay like this, her head on my shoulder, my heart in my throat, for what feels like forever. The house is quiet. Sometime between Carlos peeking inside our bedroom, and Cade and I leaving it, the baseball team headed out. Well, the team minus Justin. Dad asked him to stay behind, knowing how hard it would be for him to sit in the dugout and not play in the Semi-finals. One bright spot is that by staying here, he was able to take care of Justin Jr. while my relationship imploded.
Aly breaks the silence by saying, “I’m here if you want to talk. I understand we’re not close, and I don’t know everything that went down, but Justin’s told me enough. He mentioned that you two were together once… and he told me that he loved you.”
I must gasp because she lifts her head and studies me. “He never told you?”
“Uh, no,” I stutter, torn between wanting to believe and doubting, and Aly rolls her eyes.
“Boys are stubborn creatures,” she says with a sigh, “and Justin is one of the worst. He’s stubborn and a flirt, but Peyton, I’ve never known him to lie. He said that he loved you and I believe him.” She covers her eyes with her hand, shielding her face from the sun. “Though, from the way he said it, I’m guessing things didn’t exactly end well. He implied it was his fault.”
I shrug, neither confirming nor denying her assumption, and look off into the distance. “In some ways, it was both our faults.”
It’s true, too. I was a mess back then. I was impulsive and daring, looking for ways to prove I was alive. That GBS hadn’t won. I took all the energy I normally reserved for barrel racing and put it into challenging myself, rushing through steps and pushing past fear. Pretending I had none.
Man, did that bite me in the ass.
Aly brushes sand off the bottom step and takes a seat. “Probably so, but from talking to him, it’s obvious Justin blames himself. I’m not gonna sit here and blow smoke up your skirt, claiming he won’t ever mess up again. He will. But I can promise you this—Justin’s a different guy than he used to be. He’s different than he was when we were freshmen, he’s different than he was when I dated him in the fall, and he’s changed even since this project began.”
Leaning back on her elbows, she squints into the sun. “It doesn’t take a genius to know that last part is all you. He’s in deep. He cares about you a lot, and as his friend, it’s my duty to be nosy and ask you… how do you feel about him? Because, at the end of the day, it’s on you. That boy ain’t going nowhere. So what is your heart telling you?”
What is my heart saying? It’s saying I just destroyed my best friend. That I’m standing here getting advice from a girl I barely know, as an electronic baby coos at her feet, and that I need to find the nearest gallon of ice cream and dive in head first. But even as I think it, I know I’m not being completely honest.
My heart… it’s screaming at me, loud and clear.
I kick at the railing. No wonder Cade left me; our relationship isn’t cold, it’s barely even reached room temperature, and I’m already thinking about Justin. Wondering if, now that I’m free, he’ll tell me the rest of the story. If after he does, it’ll make a difference. If the timing is finally right for us.
How can my heart be so fickle? It should be in mourning. Hell, after the beating it took with Justin three years ago, it should be curled up in the fetal position.
Do what scares you.
The long-forgotten motto roars through me like an old friend, like a lion waking from its slumber. But look what happened when I followed that philosophy before. It backfired miserably. I’ve spent the last three years doing the exact opposite of that, avoiding the sport I love and keeping my heart locked up safe and tight. Yeah, it’s been boring, but it’s also been beautifully tear-less.
My heart whispers, “But Justin helped you face your fear, and you kicked the barrel course’s ass. Maybe it’s time you let him back in, too.”
Gah. My heart is so damn nosy.
Excitement and anticipation surge though me with such force I practically vibrate on the steps. Aly beams up at me, clearly a mind reader, and I exhale the toxic fear. “I need to find Justin,” I say, and she nods at me.
“My work here is done,” she replies. “Last I saw him, he was heading out to the beach with Justin Jr.”
My feet have already spun, guiding me down the walkway to the private strip of beach behind the house. I’m halfway down the path before I even realize it, and I quickly turn and call out, “Thank you!”
Aly waves me on, holding a thumbs-up, and yells out, “Go get your man!”
Laughing at the absurdity… and possibility… of Justin Carter being my man, for real this time, I take off for the beach. Hope flutters in my heart, an odd yet familiar sensation when it comes to him, and I my press my open hand over my skin.
The steady thump, thump, thump against my palm pushes me on.
Part of me realizes I need to grieve my relationship with Cade, to take stock of what happened, and find a way to salvage our friendship—and I will. He deserves that, and I can’t lose him from my life completely. He was a huge part of my past. But right now, I need to chase my future.
I check either side of the beach, holding onto the rope railing as I search for Justin. The walkway climbs over a sand dune and I smile as I crest the hill, somehow knowing he’s waiting on the other side.
A few steps away from the top, I call out, “Justin?” too eager to wait, and hear a muffled shuffling in response. I always knew my body was attuned to his. Smiling, I rock back and forth on my heels and wait for him to duck out from behind the dune, still amazed that I’m actually doing this.
“Peyton?” Justin appears in front of me, just on the other side of the railing, with the robot baby in his arms and a strange expression on his face. “What are you doing here? Is everything okay?”
“Yeah.” I shake my head a bit, hoping to shake off the sudden weird vibe, and say, “I think so. I mean, Cade just left… We, uh, we broke up.”
Joy lights his face before he quickly checks it, replacing it with a look of concern. I stifle a grin. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“No, you’re not.” I laugh as a swarm of hyped-up butterflies takes flight in my gut. “But that’s not why I’m here. Not really. I came to find you because, well, I talked to Aly, and I think… I mean, if you are, I’m ready to…”
My voice fades as the scene plays out like a bad teen movie.
The slight breeze off the Gulf of Mexico carries a sharp, salty scent, and with it comes the past. I’m here on the beach, but I may as well be back at
the concession stand at Fairfield Academy. The players are the same, the shock just as real.
The slap of stupidity every bit as embarrassing.
How insane can I be? Will I ever learn? I’m standing here with my heart in my hands, prepared to hand it over to the very guy who once cut it to shreds, and out comes the girl who once held the knife.
Lauren struts out from behind the sand dune, the same one Justin was just behind, and flashes me a smile as she fixes the bottom of her impossibly tiny bikini. I stagger back, my gasp echoing in my head, and Justin holds out his hands as if to catch me.
“Sunshine?” He looks back and discovers Lauren waiting behind him, Carlos Jr. in a bedazzled carrier by her side, then twists around with eyes blown wide. “Shit. Baby, please, it’s not what it looks like. You have to let me explain.”
“Explain?” I repeat, my dumb eyes filling with hot tears. “Explain what? What a fool I am? That I actually thought…”
The lump in my throat refuses to let me complete that thought. Instead, I spin on my heel.
Shame and embarrassment threaten to push my tears over the edge, but I can’t let them fall. Not where they can see. The two of them have gotten enough tears out of me.
Warm sand kicks up beneath me as I jog down the path, Justin’s voice chasing behind me. He can’t take off and risk jostling the baby’s neck, so if I keep moving, maybe I can outrun him. If I move a little faster, maybe I can outrun the pain, too.
A girl can hope.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 1ST
Disaster
♥Freshman Year
JUSTIN
FAIRFIELD ACADEMY 7:05 A.M.
The mental tapes played the entire drive to school.
So… baseball’s not the only thing you and the old man have in common. A baby in high school. Maybe you should compare notes.
You knew you were never good enough for Peyton… and this only proves it.
The Natural History of Us Page 22
