by MJ Carnal
“What if we fire you?”
His words startle me. I’m confused and I let it show. When he realizes how harsh it sounded, he shakes his head and smiles at me.
“You’ve spent so much time with us as our therapist. It’s been hard to be friends without breaking all the patient/ doctor rules you have set up for all of us. There were special circumstances that kept you with us for so long. Maybe it’s time to cut you loose and let you settle into our lives in another capacity.”
My heart squeezes in my chest and a wave a sadness washes over me. “I don’t think I could do that. I’ve spent so much time developing these relationships with all of you. I enjoy being a part of your lives but I don’t know if it could be more than that.”
“What if we have a reason for firing you? What if there is greater potential for happiness if you are in our lives in a different way?”
“I don’t know if there would be a good enough reason to break the guidelines that are set.” They’re the rules I’ve lived by since the second I took my last exam. It’s what we promise our patients when they walk through our office door. I’ve lost myself during this assignment but I have to find myself again.
“I have to disagree. I think there’s a guy that stands about six foot three that would fight you on that.”
I blush. The thought of Max feeling the same way about me makes my heart speed up. The sexual chemistry has always been there but I hadn’t realized the depth of my feelings until recently. Maybe he feels the same way. “Whatever. Fine. Go pack. Call me if you need me.”
“It’s been real, Doc, but your services will no longer be needed.” He hugs me and kisses me on the cheek. “I expect to see you in the audience at one of our shows. And without that fucking pen.”
I giggle as he walks out. He’s amazing. They all are. Now I tread lightly. I’m not sure where the next chapter will lead me but I’m ready to find out.
My cell phone buzzes on the coffee table and I jump. I’ve been lost in patient files all morning. It’s been a welcome distraction since the guys are going out on the road today. I haven’t had any contact with Max for a while. I thought he’d call after Harley fired me but I haven’t heard anything. I will send him good luck messages on tour and open up the lines of communication.
“Doc, you have a few minutes today before we head out on the road? I need some of that magic therapy you do on me.” Chance’s voice is always a welcome distraction. Despite the alcohol or drug abuse, the sexual addiction and whatever else these guys have faced, Chance may need the most help. He’s in complete denial that he’s worthy of anyone important in his life.
“Chance, I always have time for you. But I have to tell you, Harley fired me so I’ll talk to you as a friend if you want me to.”
“Fired you?” I hear him whispering in the background. “Well, can you still use that judgmental voice I find so sexy?”
I choke on the sip of water I’d just taken. I can’t stop laughing and it’s made worse by the coughing. “My bitchy voice is sexy?”
“Hell yeah, Doc. Add those sexy, long legs and I’m a goner. Want to go to breakfast some time? And by breakfast, I mean in bed.” He covers the phone with his hand and I can barely make out what he’s saying. “She’s not our therapist anymore so she’s fair game. Back the fuck away from me, Callum.”
“Rachel?” His voice makes my breath catch. “Shut up, Lennon. You’ll get it back in a minute.”
“Max.” I sound like I just ran a marathon.
“Griff fired you?”
“Yeah. I’m surprised he didn’t tell you.” I smile at the anger in his voice. At least it’s an emotion.
“He kept that little bit of info to himself. Are you ok?”
“I’m fine.” I giggle. I’m such a girl around him. “I think he was doing what he thought was right. But promise me, if you guys need me, you’ll always come to me, even if I’m just a friend.”
“I don’t like this, Rach. I don’t like that you aren’t in our lives.” He sighs and my body responds.
“I’m always here. I don’t want to be out of your lives.”
“I’ll fix this.”
The phone goes dead and I can’t help but stare at it like he will magically reappear.
Chapter 8
I slam out of the front door of Harley’s house. He’s crossed the line. With everything else I’ve been feeling, I don’t need to lose Rachel too. We’re heading out on the road today and I don’t need this. The limo driver arrived a few minutes ago to pick us up and I’m on edge. Harley jumps when he hears the door and the smug look on his face just amps up my anger. “You!”
Is he going to laugh? What the hell is that look? Laney’s eyes widen and I have to look away from her or my anger will disappear. I need to feel this. I need to feel something other than lost.
“What?”
“Don’t pull the innocent bullshit. You fired Rachel? What the fuck? You think you were the only one she was working with?” I get right in his face but I can’t take a swing. It’s Harley. Despite the beating he gave me a few months ago, he’s still one of the most important people in the world to me.
“Just thank me and get it over with.” He laughs.
“Thank you? What the hell for? You just insured she won’t be around us anymore.”
“I let her go so you can finally be with her.” Harley’s words cut into my heart.
“What are you talking about?”
Chance laughs. “Seriously, dude? Were you not in the same room as we were at Christmas? The texting, the looks. Shit, even I got horny.”
Harley’s chuckle pisses me off. “You aren’t fooling anyone, Max. We see the way you look at her.”
“The way I look at her? I look at her the way I look at Laney. Or the way I looked at Della.” Well, hello denial. Who am I kidding? Even I don’t believe what I’m saying.
“Bullshit.” Chance takes a sip of his water and shakes his head. “You looked at Della like she was some porcelain doll up on a shelf and you couldn’t touch her or she’d break.”
“I couldn’t touch her. She was Harley’s.” I seriously need to get my shit together. I’ve become bipolar. That’s the only explanation.
Chance shakes his head. “No. You could’ve touched her. You just chose not to because you’re a standup guy and wouldn’t risk your friendship with Harley. Not all of us are like you.”
My head is spinning. With everything that has happened in the last week, I’m not even sure how to respond. I went from the highest high, having my mouth on Rachel’s, feeding her, having a glimpse of what it would feel like to have her. To the lowest low when Karen walked back into my life and changed everything.
“It’s different.” Chance stares out the window. “The way you look at Rachel is different. I’ve never seen that look from you before.”
“You guys are crazy.” They know me too well. Trying to hide my feelings is useless.
“Deny it all you want, buddy. You’ve always been an open book. We just want you to be happy. We can find another therapist. You can’t find another Rachel.” Harley squeezes my shoulder before turning his attention to his phone.
Chance raises his water bottle to me. “Don’t fuck it up.”
“No pressure there.” I grumble as I take my seat in the limo.
“I could take the hot blond off your hands if that would help.” Chance raises one eyebrow at me and I laugh.
“She’s my sister, dude. And there isn’t a day in the future of forever that I’ll be ok letting her get near you. She’s been through a lot and there’s no way I’m letting you get within twenty feet of her.”
“You have a hot sister?”
“Is that all you got out of that?” I laugh. He’s an idiot. He’ll be an idiot missing his favorite appendage if he gets near her. “Stay away from her, Lennon. I’m serious. She deserves better than any of us.”
This hotel bed is cold and lonely. I can hear Chance next door tearing up the sheets with t
he bartender from the hotel bar. I’ve tried covering my ears with my pillow, blasting the television, I’ve even contemplated suffocating myself. How is it possible that I always draw the short straw and get to be Chance’s neighbor? Thank God he hasn’t screwed Rachel. Judging by the sounds next door, I’d never measure up.
“Jesus, Chance. Give her a rest.” I pound on the wall behind me and they don’t even acknowledge me. I throw the pillow back over my head. Joshua has two choices from now on: A hotel with more insulation or a different floor for the freak next door.
It’s been way too long and getting hard listening to your friend is a serious problem. I’d say I need therapy but then I’d call Rachel and it wouldn’t help the problem that has arisen. That would make it so much worse. Fuck it. I grab my phone. I hope I don’t regret this. She answers on the first ring.
“Max? Are you ok?” I was right. I’m harder. I woke her up and her voice is sultry.
“I can’t sleep. I’m sorry I woke you.” I run my hand through my hair. God, I want this woman.
“I’m not. I’m always happy to hear your voice. How’s the tour?” I hear her shifting in her bed and I close my eyes.
“It’s fine. I’m tired but I’m not sure if that has to do with the long hours traveling or getting stuck next to Don Juan every night. I swear he must take Viagra by the handful. No one should have that much stamina.”
Her laugh makes me smile. “Poor Max. Are you saying Chance is more of a man than you are?”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying, woman. You cannot sleep with him. Ever.”
“Well, shit. There went my Saturday night plans.” She laughs again.
“You wound me.” I chuckle. “In all seriousness, I’ve heard him hit on you. And he can be pretty persuasive. I’ve seen it. Promise me, Rach. Promise me that even if you’re totally drunk and it’s the middle of the zombie apocalypse and you’re the last two survivors and you’ll both die if you don’t sleep together because it’s the only way to find a cure and you could save all of mankind, promise me, even then, you won’t sleep with him.”
Her belly laugh has me laughing in return. Maybe that’s an unrealistic goal and I’m setting her up to fail if that situation ever happens. I laugh even harder when she snorts. She’s adorable.
“That was attractive. I’m going to hang up and go die now.”
“Everything about you is attractive, Rach. Don’t doubt that for a second. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”
There’s silence and then a quiet “thank you”. She clears her throat and I smile. She’s the strongest woman I’ve ever known but I can silence her with a simple compliment. A woman like her should hear these things every second of every day. I let the silence blanket me. Her breathing comforts me and my body calms. There’s quiet next door and I take a deep breath and enjoy the peace that comes with it.
I realize it’s been quiet for a few minutes. I look at my phone and the call is still connected. “You still with me?”
She yawns. “I’m here. Just enjoying listening to you breathe. Is that creepy?”
I smile. “Not at all. I was doing the same.”
She takes a deep breath. “I miss you. It’s weird not having you guys here.”
“I miss you too. Would it be weird if I asked you to sleep with me tonight?” I smile when she laughs.
“I would love to sleep with you tonight, Max.”
“Just don’t hang up, Rach. I need to know you’re there.”
“I won’t. I promise.” She yawns again.
“Sweat dreams, beautiful girl. I’ll talk to you in the morning.”
I smile when her breathing changes and she’s fallen asleep. I’d give anything to be lying next to her, holding her in my arms and breathing in everything that makes her Rachel. I’ve never felt this way about anyone and we haven’t even had a first date. I want her more than I’ve ever wanted anyone in my life.
I roll over and shut my eyes. I need to become the man she deserves. I need to stop letting my past define me. I’d been fine for so long. Denial is a wonderful place but someday, I’m going to have to stop living in it.
Chapter 9
The sound that wakes me up scares me to death. I’ve never heard someone in that much pain. Considering what I do for a living, that says a lot. I pull the phone closer to my mouth and yell for him.
“Max! Are you ok?”
He gasps for breath. I can’t understand anything he’s saying but I know he can’t breathe. My heart slams in my chest. He’s in trouble.
I hang up my phone and dial Harley. He answers on the fourth ring and I’m in a panic.
“Max is in trouble. I don’t know what’s happening but he can’t breathe. He sounds like he’s getting attacked. Please, Harley, help him.”
I can hear Harley throw the covers back and open his hotel room door. His breathing changes and I know he’s running. He yells for Maddox and I can hear his name echo down the hall.
“Get the door open,” Harley yells and I hear doors slamming in the background. “Chance, take Laney in your room. I don’t know what’s happening. Keep her safe.”
“What’s happening?” Tears are flowing down my face. I’m helpless not being there.
“Max. Shit.” Harley hands chance the phone. “Take Rachel.”
“What’s happening?” I’m yelling now. I don’t care if I sound insane. I need to know what’s going on. My heart breaks with each passing second. He has to be alright.
“He’s ok. It’s a nightmare.” Chance takes a deep breath. “This happens a lot. I used to live with him and he woke me up all the time.”
I can hear Harley in the background. His voice is comforting and it helps ease my mind a little. When I finally hear Max’s voice, I take a deep breath. I wait while everything settles down.
“You still there?” Harley’s voice is calm and I know everything is ok.
“I’m here. Is he ok?”
“He’s fine. Call me if you need me, Max.” I hear Harley close the door. “He’ll be ok. Just a nightmare.”
“That sounded like one hell of a nightmare, Griff. What’s going on?”
“They’re pretty brutal. He hardly sleeps.” Harley opens his hotel room door and it slams behind him.
“Why? What’s wrong?” I need to help him. I can’t stand to know he’s hurting.
“Not my story to tell. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t betray him.” Harley sighs. “I’ve never heard him gasping for breath before, though. Scared the shit out of me.”
“What if I prescribe him something to sleep? Think that would help?” I need to try something.
“He’s tried everything, Rach. The only thing that’s going to help him is deciding it’s ok to let go of his past. He’s hurting. More now than ever. His sister just came back to town. I think that stirred up the hornet’s nest.”
“What can I do?” My heart breaks for him. This is a side of him I don’t know. He’s become so important to me in such a short time. Is it possible I already love him? “I’ll do anything, Harley.”
“You could get on a plane. If I buy your ticket, will you fly out here? We have an interview this morning and a show tonight. Let me get you here before we go on. He may kill me for this but I think you might be the only one that can help him.”
“I’m already packing. I will see you in a couple hours.”
I grab a few things and throw them aimlessly in my suitcase. I need to get to him and I don’t want to wait another second.
I’m sitting front row at a Liquid Regret concert. My arms are covered in goosebumps, my adrenaline is pumping like crazy and my heart is beating wildly against my ribs. I’ve seen them in concert before but it’s usually from the wings. Being out on tour with them briefly last year gave me a taste of what life’s like for them. But tonight, I get to be a fan.
Max doesn’t know I’m here. Harley wanted to keep my trip a secret. So, I get to sit in the front row with Laney and be a super fan. I�
�m nervous that Max will question why I’m here and I won’t lie to him. I’m worried. He must know that.
Harley says Max can’t see much from where he sits on stage. Still, a part of me hopes he will see me and we’ll have that magic moment where our eyes meet and he smiles. I can’t help myself. He makes me giddy. The minute Harley fired me, Max became fair game. And starting tonight, it’s game on.
The lights go out and the crowd is on their feet. Women scream from all directions and I find myself joining in. When in Rome and all that. Laney grabs my hand and jumps up and down. I feel like a kid again as I scream and jump and hope that this isn’t the moment Max actually spots me.
The spotlight hits the drums and the beat starts. I almost swallow my tongue. He’s wearing ripped jeans, a tight red tee and a backward baseball hat. His jaw is scruffy and the look of concentration on his face almost brings me to my knees. His blue eyes pierce the spotlight and I can see him more clearly than I ever have.
I grab my chest. Holy shit, what was that?
“You ok?” Laney’s forehead wrinkles in concern.
My eyes fill with tears of excitement and I nod my head. I have no doubt she thinks I’m crazy but in this second, everything is crystal clear. I’m falling in love with him.
Chapter 10
It’s always hard to breathe during the encore. Since we’ve been back out on tour, we’ve been using our song “Adella” as our closing number. It takes my breath away when I think about Dell. It’s not in the way it used to. I was so lost in the lyrics when I wrote them and again when we recorded the song. Since I’ve gotten to know Rachel, the song has taken on a new meaning. It’s like saying goodbye to my first love, the promise of what love could someday mean, the very beginning of learning what love really is. Della gave me all of that. At the time, I thought it was everything. I had no idea how much more there could be.
The house lights go up as I start the beat that takes us into the most emotional journey on our tour. Harley turns and looks at me, eyes full of tears and a smile on his face. Damien and Chance bumps fists and it’s a moment that’s felt through the whole arena.
