by Tara Shuler
“Oh, well,” Kai said. “At least we can get better food in the house.”
The house was completely dark, but I could see paper cups and garbage everywhere. His house was completely trashed, and it smelled strongly of beer. I followed him through the back door and into the kitchen.
Kai was bent over looking through the refrigerator when I heard a faint rustle behind me and suddenly smelled the nauseating scent of blood heavily laced with liquor. I turned just in time to see an angry looking woman breeze into the kitchen and storm over toward Kai. I suddenly became very uncomfortable, and I pressed myself against the wall to try to avoid detection.
“Kai!” she screeched in a shrill voice. “What have you done to this house?”
“Mom!” he shouted, slamming the refrigerator door and jumping backward.
“Yeah, you didn’t expect me back until the weekend, did you?” she yelled at him, pointing her waggling finger directly in his face. “I should have known you’d pull some shit like this!”
The woman viciously struck Kai across the face, and he recoiled. I jumped – startled. I wanted to say something, but I was afraid. I don’t know why I felt such fear. I could have ripped her to shreds. Somehow, though, I couldn’t move. I held my breath, and closed my eyes.
“You’re a pathetic piece of shit!” she shouted, and I smelled the overwhelming scent of liquor emanating from her general direction. “You’re worthless! You can’t even keep the house straight for two goddamned weeks! You have a party as soon as my back is turned? Did you think you could get away with that?”
“No, Mom,” he tried to explain. “It was Van. He…”
“Liar! Don’t blame your cousin for your stupidity! If you were more like Van, we’d all be better off! You’re just trash! That’s all you’ve ever been, and that’s all you ever will be!”
My lower lip began to tremble, and I felt my fists clench. I gritted my teeth together, trying to contain the strange mixture of fear and rage that suddenly began to overtake my body and my mind.
The slight woman grabbed Kai by the hair and shoved him against the counter. She reached over and turned one of the knobs on the stove, and blue flames shot up from one of the eyes. Still holding him by the hair with her left hand, she grabbed Kai’s left hand with her right and shoved it toward the flames, and he screamed out in pain.
I was horrified. I wanted to do something, but I couldn’t move. I’d been holding my breath for so long, I could feel myself getting lightheaded, and suddenly tears began to well up in my eyes.
I couldn’t bear it. My entire body began to tremble violently. I saw brief flashes of a hazy, reddish fog before my eyes, and I shut my eyes tightly, trying to block out the scene in front of me. I could feel a surge of violence begin to wash over me, and I was afraid of what I might do. Despite my best efforts to remain undetected, a shuddering growl escaped my lips. I gasped, and covered my mouth, but it was too late. I’d been detected.
The woman wheeled around to face me with fire in her eyes. For a moment, I was afraid she might strike me. I knew my instinct would kick in if she did, and I would hurt her. I didn’t want that. Fortunately, she just glared at me in shock for a moment and grabbed her car keys off the table, heading for the door.
“Mom, no!” Kai shouted, chasing after her. “You can’t drive like this!”
He tried to grab the keys from his mother’s hand, but she snatched them away.
“Don’t tell me what to do, you miserable fuck-up! I wish you were dead!” she screamed.
Kai watched helplessly as his mother barged out the door, got into her car, and sped away. For a moment, I was still frozen in place. Then I ran to him and grabbed his hand. Even in the dark, I could see it was badly burned.
“Oh, Kai,” I whispered, horrified.
“I’m fine,” he said, shaking his head. I could feel his hand trembling in mine.
My eyes began to sting as tears filled them. I couldn’t stand this. I’d never in my life witnessed something so completely heartbreaking. Kai’s own mother had hurt him this way, and then he tried to keep her from driving drunk. He was protecting the woman who had just treated him like a worthless piece of trash. A moment earlier, I felt like I could rip her apart.
Kai stood there, motionless. I couldn’t tell what he was feeling until he suddenly collapsed on the floor, sobbing. Instantly, I fell to the floor beside him. Instinctively, I wrapped my arms around him. He trembled violently as I held him, and he cried harder than I’d ever seen anyone cry before.
I’d seen a lot of emotional movies, but nothing could have prepared me for this. The vampires I knew were rarely so emotional, so the sensation was foreign. My heart ached for him. I’d never felt such a deep emotion in my entire life. I almost felt human, or at least what I imagined it would be like.
I tried to hold him as close to me as I could. I knelt there beside him, trying to pull him into my arms and shelter him. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted to take away what had just happened to him. I’d have given anything to be able to do so at that moment.
I rested my head against his, and I noticed how intoxicating he smelled. His hair had an indescribable scent that was somewhere between fresh-baked bread and French fries. I don’t know how I could even notice after what I’d just witnessed, but it lingered with me. It wasn’t like anything I’d ever smelled before.
He sat on the floor with his knees in front of him, wrapping his arms around them as I had at the beach. I remembered how anxious and alone I felt, and I wondered if he was feeling the same way. My left arm wrapped around his arms, and my right arm cradled his head. My right hand reached around to his forehead, and I pushed his long hair gently away from his face.
With his left hand, he grabbed my left wrist, and he reached across with his right arm to pull my left arm tighter to him. He began to rock back and forth as he cried, and I tried to comfort him by whispering softly to him.
“Shh…” I shushed into his ear. “I’m here.”
It was all so unbearable. It was like the pain he was feeling was penetrating my soul – piercing my heart with a razor-sharp blade. I never imagined I could feel with such intensity. To go from an empty, nearly emotionless shell to such passion of feeling so rapidly was maddening.
I wanted to pull him into my embrace and let him get lost there. He was so weak and so gentle. All I wanted was to be the person to protect and comfort him. I wanted to shelter him from every horrible thing in the world.
Suddenly, I wanted to kiss him. I knew it was highly inappropriate to want to such a thing at that moment, especially considering we’d just met that night, but the feeling was overwhelming. As I sat there cradling him, I could little understand what was happening. I just knew if I didn’t kiss him I would go crazy.
I didn’t have to worry about impropriety for long. Seconds after I developed the overwhelming urge to kiss him, I felt his lips on mine. He’d pulled me across his lap, and he was pressing his lips urgently against my own. I could feel his tears against my face, and his strong arms wrapped around me and pulled me into his grasp.
It’s still difficult to explain the intensity of that moment. I know I had only known him for a few hours, but in that moment… it felt like a lifetime. As his arms wrapped around me and his lips searched mine for comfort, I thought of nothing else. Suddenly, the whole world disappeared and there was nothing left but Kai and me.
I felt his fingers tangle in my hair as he struggled to pull me even further in. I gasped aloud, unable to contain the indescribable passion I felt in that kiss. My own fingers wrapped inside his hair, and I allowed myself to become lost in the moment.
As quickly as it started, it was over. He struggled to his feet and backed away from me. I sat in the floor and gawked up at him, unsure what had just happened. One moment, we were kissing in breathless passion, and the next moment he was distant – even cold.
He shook his head slowly, backing away from me one fragile step at a time. I reached my hand toward
him, and he recoiled. His deep red hair hung wild and tangled around his face, and his breath was ragged and almost vicious. He wiped his mouth with the back of his sleeve, tugging at his lips so hard it looked as though it might’ve hurt. He turned and quickly fled out the back door.
For a long while, I sat in the floor and tried to assess the situation. I hadn’t done anything wrong – I was certain of that. Surely, it couldn’t have been that he hated the kiss. But then I thought that maybe it could have been. It was my first kiss, after all. That realization also hit me at that moment. I’d just had my first kiss. And it had been with a human! And I hadn’t eaten him!
More than anything, though, I just wanted to know if Kai was okay. The burn on his hand had been terrible, and I was even more worried about his emotional state. I still couldn’t believe what I’d just witnessed. To think that a mother could treat her own son that way – it was unimaginable.
Maybe he wanted to be alone. For a moment, I thought it was best if I just called Will to come pick me up. But I was so overcome with worry about Kai, I couldn’t leave. I had to see if he was okay.
I stood up and headed toward the shed. I figured that’s where he’d be. There was a faint golden glow coming from the windows. I approached the door with consternation swelling within me, but I summoned the courage to knock gently.
“Go away,” he answered, his voice uneven.
“Kai, please,” I called to him.
“Leave me alone!” he shouted.
I sighed.
“Kai,” I said again, “please let me in.”
“No!” he yelled through the closed door. “I need to be alone!”
I opened my mouth to protest, but I didn’t think it would do any good. Still, I couldn’t leave him. I pressed my back against the outer wall of the shed and slid down to the ground. I landed with a thud, and I pulled my legs up against me and hugged them close – trying to comfort myself.
Why was he pushing me away? Had I done something wrong? I just couldn’t understand it. But I knew I couldn’t leave him.
Chapter Four
Understanding
I awoke with a start. Kai was standing over me. Apparently, I had fallen asleep outside the shed. The ground was cold and damp underneath me, and I was shivering. Kai looked at me like I was a maniac or something.
I stared up at him weakly, pulling myself to a sitting position. He must have thought I was some kind of stalker or something – lying there on the ground in the dark. After a moment, he sat down on the ground beside me. He sighed long and hard, and he hung his head.
“I’m sorry, Alice,” he said sincerely.
“No,” I said. “I’m sorry. You asked to be left alone, but I just couldn’t go. I should have respected your wishes.”
He looked startled.
“Why did you stay?” he asked gently.
“I… I don’t know,” I stammered. “I was worried about you, and I just couldn’t leave until I knew you were okay.”
“Why?” he wanted to know.
“Why what?” I inquired.
“Why were you worried about me?” he asked.
“What kind of a question is that?” I demanded.
“You just met me a few hours ago,” he explained. “Why would you care enough about some worthless idiot you just met to sleep on the cold, hard ground like this?”
I wondered just how long I’d been asleep, but it wasn’t yet daybreak, so it couldn’t have been more than three or four hours.
“Worthless idiot?” I gasped. “What makes you say a thing like that?”
“It’s the truth,” he stated, fiddling with a blade of grass.
“No!” I gushed. “No! It’s not the truth!”
“How do you know?” he asked, still starting intently at his blade of grass.
“Kai, look at me,” I urged. He shook his head, his gaze still transfixed on the grass. “Please,” I pleaded with him.
Slowly, he turned his head to look at me. I caught his beautiful blue eyes and I looked deep within them. I reached over with my right hand and placed it on his arm.
“Kai, you are so incredible, I can’t even describe it,” I blurted out. I didn’t know if I should be gushing like some silly schoolgirl to a guy I’d only just met, but I couldn’t stop myself. “When I’m with you, I feel whole – alive,” I told him. “I know we just met, but you’ve made me feel things I never thought I could. You’ve shown me things I would never have seen without you – glorious things. The sea in the moonlight, the joy of playing the piano for someone besides myself, what it’s like to be kissed...”
I stopped and turned my eyes downward. Perhaps I’d said too much. I really didn’t know if I should be telling him he was my first kiss. Honestly, that was embarrassing.
“I was your first kiss?” he asked very quietly – almost in a whisper.
I nodded, looking down at the ground. My hand still lingered on his arm, and suddenly he took it and placed it over his heart, then rested his hand over mine. I could feel it pounding deep inside his chest. My own heart was pounding just as hard and just as fast. I felt like it was going to leap from my chest.
“You were mine, too,” he confessed.
“Really?” I asked.
I found it difficult to believe that such an incredibly beautiful human would never have been kissed, especially at nineteen, but then again, Kai didn’t seem like an ordinary human. Not in any way.
He nodded.
I was overwhelmed. I put my arms around his neck and held him close. I noticed him burying his head in my hair and breathing in deeply as he squeeze me tightly within his strong arms.
“I’m sorry I told you to go away,” he told me. “I didn’t mean it.”
He had begun to cry. I took his face in my hands and pulled his gaze up to meet mine. I looked deep into his eyes – those piercing blue eyes that were now hazy behind a veil of tears – and I spoke.
“I understand,” I told him honestly.
After what I’d witnessed, I realized why he was such a loner. He felt worthless and unlovable. He didn’t want to get hurt, and he was afraid to get too close to me. The kiss had scared him – either because he was afraid I would leave him, or perhaps because he felt unworthy of being loved.
“Oh, Kai,” I whispered. I wiped his tears away with my thumbs, still cradling his face in my hands.
He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me toward him. He hesitated, his lips so close to mine I could feel his ragged breath on my face. It seemed as if he thought me too delicate to touch. Feeling his warm breath against my face, I desperately wanted to kiss him again. Sensing his hesitation, I twisted my fingers into his hair and pushed his head toward mine. Our lips met in an electrifying kiss that sent shockwaves of pleasure through my body. My lips parted, and he pressed his tongue into my mouth. I moaned gently, and he began to kiss me more fervently.
His lips moved away from mine, and I soon felt them against the skin of my neck. He pushed my hair back and pressed his lips against me. The sensation of his hot breath on my skin sent chills up my spine, and I wanted to feel his skin against mine. I tore at his shirt like a wild animal, desperate to rip it from his body so I could feel him.
I pulled his shirt over his head, and we both froze. We had been caught up in the heat of the moment, and I guess he had forgotten what it was like underneath his shirt. I was aghast at what I saw. Scars covered his torso on every side. Some were long like slash marks, and others were small and round. There must have been dozens of them.
I reached out to touch one gently, and he jerked away. He yanked his shirt away from me and held it in front of him – shielding his body from my eyes as much as he could. He started to back away from me, and then he stood up and quickly disappeared inside the shed.
What had I done, now? It seemed like I couldn’t stop making these stupid mistakes and chasing him away. The last thing I wanted to do was cause him more pain. I stood up and tapped gently against the door. I was met with
silence.
“Kai, please,” I begged. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
He was still completely silent. It was unbearable.
“Kai, let me in,” I pleaded with him, pounding my fist on the door. “Please, please let me in.”
He still didn’t make a sound. I turned the doorknob slowly, cautiously, and the door opened. I pulled it gently, and I peeked very carefully into the shed.
“Kai?” I called quietly.
I heard a faint whimper, and I turned toward it. Kai sat huddled in the back corner of the shed, curled into ball with his arms around his knees. He was rocking and crying, and I could tell he was shaking. He hadn’t put his shirt back on, but he had it pulled over him in the front.
My heart was breaking. Seeing him like this was the most painful thing I’d ever imagined. I walked over to him and knelt in front of him, but I hesitated before I touched him. I didn’t want to touch him if he wanted to be left alone, but I couldn’t stand seeing him like that.
I placed my hand very gently on his arm. He jumped, but he did not try to push me away. I placed both of my hands on his arms just above the elbow, and I felt him relax ever so slightly. I very slowly moved my hands up his biceps toward his shoulders, and then back behind his neck. He bent forward to rest his head on my shoulder as I put my arms around him. I noticed a long scar on his shoulder, and I kissed it gingerly. He did not push me away. I placed my cheek against the scar and wished with all my heart I could take it away.
“I’m sorry,” he whimpered.
“Please don’t apologize,” I begged him. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“I never should have gotten you involved in any of this,” he told me. “You don’t deserve this.”
“Don’t deserve what?” I gasped.
“This!” he hissed. “All of this! I’m a mess. I’m worthless and pathetic, and you’re better off without me around. You’ll just leave me like everyone else does. Besides, you deserve better.”
