He looked delicious too. His gray t-shirt stretched taut over his broad chest and his cut-off sweats hung dangerously low on his hips. His hair was wet and smelled clean and fresh like he’s just come out of the shower.
I realized I was blatantly checking him out and snapped my eyes back up to his face. His lips quirked up.
“Going to invite me in, doll face?” he drawled.
I took a deep breath and tried to stop my racing heart. He was just too handsome for his own good. And he knew it.
I leaned my hip against the door and tapped my fingers against the wood.
“I’m not sure I should,” I said seriously.
The smile dropped from Nathan’s face and he stepped closer to me. The intensity of his blue eyes sucked me, drowning me in the emotions I was so desperately trying to keep in check.
“Is Katie home?” he asked tilting his chin down to meet my eyes.
I shook my head.
He took a deep breath, then brought both hands up to frame my face. His eyes continued to search mine and then he slowly lowered his head until our lips were almost touching.
“If I kiss you right now, I’m not sure I’ll be able to stop,” he murmured. My lower abdomen muscles clenched in anticipation and I clamped my thighs together. My heart beat so fast and so hard I was sure he could hear it.
“Then why—” I stuttered. Taking a deep breath I tried to push the words out despite the thrumming desire and lust scattering my thoughts and begging me to press my lips to his. “Why are you here?”
His fingers slipped into my hair destroying my braid. His gaze dropped to my lips and he licked his. “I can’t stay away.”
I bit my lower lip. Please just kiss me already! I thought.
He inched closer, brushing his mouth over mine lightly. I whimpered and suddenly his control snapped like a thin piece of thread and he crashed his lips against mine. He licked the seam of my lips and I opened, letting him deepen the kiss.
Nathan dropped his hands from my face and wrapped both arms around my waist, pulling up against him. I had to stand on my tip toes to continue kissing him, so I wrapped my arms around his neck to steady myself.
He gripped my ass in his hands, pulling me against him harder, until I could feel the hard length of him pressed against me. I whimpered.
Abruptly, he broke the kiss. We were both panting, his eyes wide with a swirling stormy mix of blue and gray.
“I should go,” he said, almost to himself more than me. He seemed so caught up in me, so bowled over by our kiss. It was endearing and adorable and made me feel alive and sexy and wanted.
I pressed my lips together to hide my smile. Nathan cocked an eyebrow at me.
A giggle escaped me.
He closed his eyes and groaned. And then shoved both hands into his shaggy brown hair. “I should defiantly go.”
Part of me wanted to beg him to stay. But I knew if he did what would happen and wasn’t sure I was ready for that. Nathan had the power to break my heart. I couldn’t keep up any wall when he kissed me or touched me. And I knew if I tried to push him away, he’d only pursue me harder. He was intense and competitive like that.
So I took the out he was offering. The reprieve.
“Study date on Thursday?” I asked suddenly.
Nathan opened his eyes and smiled when he saw my smile. He nodded and then leaned in to give me one swift peck on my cheek.
I frowned when he pulled back.
“Don’t pout, baby. You’re killing me. A guy can only have so much control.”
“And I’m making you lose yours?” I asked.
He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “You have no idea, baby.”
A little thrill shot through me and I grinned.
His lips curled up and he shook his head. I leaned up on my toes and kissed him once more soundly on the mouth.
“I’ll see you Thursday,” I whispered. Before I could change my mind about going slow I hurried back inside and shut the door. A moment later I heard a thump against the door and a murmured curse.
Right then, as I leaned against my door, breathless, my body humming with desire and my heart cracked wide open, I knew I wouldn’t be able to go slow with Nathan much longer.
This connection between us was inescapable.
Trouble, trouble, oh!
Chapter 7
On Thursday night, Nathan and I ended up in my room. We were supposed to be studying, but the moment my door shut I pounced. I flung my arms around his neck and practically crawled up his body. I couldn’t help it. I wanted him. In that moment it overruled the fear and the voice telling me to run, to push him away, and to end this thing before I got hurt.
Nathan’s lips were on mine instantly, teasing them apart with his tongue. He gripped my ass and walked to the bed and fell forward, crushing me between his hard body and the mattress.
He kissed a line down my neck and I pushed him back so I could pull my shirt over my head, exposing my lacy pink bra. Nathan's blue eyes clouded over with lust. He groaned and his grip on my jean covered hips tightened as his eyes roved over my exposed skin.
Nathan squeezed his eyes shut a moment later and dropped his head to my chest. His warm hands moved up, gently skimming my sides, trembling as they wrapped around my rib cage, his thumbs rested just below the bottom of my breast. His breath came out in short quick bursts of air against my heated skin.
"Maybe we shouldn’t,” he murmured against me.
Desire was so thick and hot inside me I thought I’d spontaneously combust. I started to shake and fresh tears pooled in my eyes at his rejection.
Nathan looked up, and immediately his hands were on my face, his lips raining kisses on my cheeks and the corner of my eyes. Tears streaked across my temples, and he kissed there too.
"Ash, please don't cry," he whispered frantically. "Don't think I don't want to. That I don't want you. I do. Oh god, I--"
As if to emphasis his point, his obvious arousal pressed against me. His lips found mine again. There was a raw desperate passion in his kiss that had me moaning and clutching at his shirt.
"Please," I begged, my face red.
He groaned, and I felt his surrender, his loss of control as he crashed against me. He flicked the button on my jeans and I wiggled out of them. My breath faltered as he hooked his fingers in my panties and slowly dragged them down my hips. His lips and hands began to touch and kiss every inch of my naked skin. He dragged his rough fingertips along my slick flesh and I bit my lip hard.
Blue-gray eyes locked on mine as he lowered his head, his hands gently pushed my thighs apart. When his mouth lowered and he kissed me there, I cried out his name.
My hands fisted in the sheets and my hips rocked up. I cried out again as I lost control. A moment later, Nathan positioned himself above me. I closed my eyes, the anticipation beat like a drum in my chest.
With our bodies perfectly aligned, Nathan whispered, "Ashley, look at me."
I opened my eyes to find his right above me, dark with wanting. "God, you are so beautiful," he said, groaning as he slowly pushed inside me.
There was a raw edge to his tenderness. Every movement, every kiss, every murmured whisper against my skin was intense and so raw and emotional I felt completely and utterly stripped bare, down to my very soul.
I whispered his name, over and over again and his movements became faster every time I said it. He kissed my jaw, then the jumping pulse in my neck. He pressed into me again, harder, and I dug my fingernails into his biceps as I held on. Everything inside me tightened.
Nathan wrapped his arms around me and pulled me up. He was on his knees, holding me off the bed, our bodies pressed tightly together, as he continued to thrust inside me.
I arched, threw my head back, and flew apart. Pleasure started low in my gut, tingling up my spine and exploding like an electric current through all my limbs.
Nathan’s muscles tensed, then he went completely still. He lowered me back to the mattress, cuppi
ng my head, his fingertips tangled in my wild hair, and molded his lips to mine.
Nathan rolled to his side, bringing me with him. I tucked my head under his chin, and he wrapped his arms tight around me as I melted into his embrace.
~000~
I knew something was wrong when I woke up the next day and Nathan was gone. All day I tried to keep myself busy, but a cold feeling of dread coiled tightly in my gut. And every time I felt the soreness between my thighs I cringed.
I didn’t regret last night. Being with Nathan had been explosive and passionate and inevitable. But something in his expression, something inside me knew something was wasn’t right.
At eight o’clock, a heavy knock sounded at my door. When I opened it, there was Nathan, looking tired and disheveled and serious.
My stomach dropped.
I let him inside silently and he sat on the couch next to me.
"I can't do this, Ash," he said. "Last night was a mistake."
A sharp pain clawed at my insides. "I don't understand," I said shakily. My whole world tilted as I struggled to understand what went wrong.
Nathan sighed, his massive shoulders moved up and down with the movement. He leaned over his knees, his messy hair slipped down his forehead covering up one eye.
I kept focusing on these little details about him. The scar above his left eyebrow, the plump curve of his bottom lip, the straight lines of his jaw.
Not mine. Nathan didn’t belong to me. And he never would.
A sudden flash of anger surged through me. "Why?"
Nathan sighed again and raked his fingers through his thick hair, pushing it off his eyes. He looked tired. And a little angry at the world.
"Ashley, tell me how you feel about me."
My sudden anger fled, leaving a white hot panic in its wake. I looked down at my twisting fingers and swallowed hard. Nathan was completely silent.
"I--" I looked up at him. "I like you."
"Is that all?"
My chest was tight. The way he was looking at me, that intense blue gaze, combined with my sudden lack of oxygen, had my head spinning. I bit my lip hard and shrugged.
What did he want me to say? That I really really liked him? That it was too much and it scared me? That he scared me? That I might be falling for him? That yesterday I had wanted him more than I’d ever desired another person?
His jaw clenched and his eyes visibly darkened. His hands twitched like he wanted to touch me but he wouldn't let himself.
"That's not enough, doll face," he said shaking his head. "I can't do casual."
I scoffed. "What? That doesn’t…you’re not making sense. You said—"
"I can't do casual with you."
"Why? Why can't we just take it slow?" My voice was high and whiny. I winced at the sound. I sounded pathetic and clingy.
He snorted, "We bypassed slow last night."
Heat crept up my neck. Images from last night replayed with startling accuracy in my mind. His lips roving over my bare skin, his husky voice in my ear.
"Ashley, the way I feel about you...” he trailed off and sighed, dropping his head into his hands. After several beats in which I held my breath, desperate for his next words, he continued. “It's not casual. I can't do casual with you. I want more. I want everything."
My heart skipped a beat, both thrilled and terrified at his words. In that moment I wanted to give in. I wanted to throw myself into his arms, tell him last night was the best night of my life. I wanted—
"But I can't do that right now either."
My stomach fell to my toes.
Nathan moved closer to me, slipping his large warm hands around mine. I didn't know what I wanted anymore.
I had been too scared to tell him what I felt. It was too soon, too much. But the desire I felt for him was too hard to ignore. I had been sure I'd end up hurt again.
Last night I had risked it anyways, my judgment clouded by lust and passion.
"With football--"
"Football!" I screeched. I winced at the sudden volume of my voice. "You're breaking up with me because of football?!"
"Ash, that's not what I'm saying."
The sharp burn of tears pricked my eyes and clogged my throat.
Nathan cupped my cheeks. I flinched at his touch and his hands fell away. I wanted to scream out. How could he give up so easily? He chased me! He practically begged me to give him a chance!
Suddenly everything changed. All my being scared felt tiny and minuscule. I wanted to take it all back. Was I not enough? Again?
I opened my mouth to say something but Nathan beat me to it.
"Football is not just a hobby for me. It’s my career. April is the draft. But it’s not just about football, Ash,” he paused, sucking in a breath and then slowly letting it out. His shoulders slumped. “You deserve better.”
I sniffed and wiped my knuckles under my eyes. I was shaking, my thoughts were a mess. And he was rambling, making excuses. All of which only partly made sense and seemed a little flimsy.
"I can't do this Ash. It's killing me to not have all of you. But—" he sighed, sounding pained, his voice cracked and he looked close to tears. "—I can't give you all of me right now either."
I couldn't stop the tears. A sob broke from chest as they streamed in rivulets down my cheeks. What did that even mean? This didn’t make any sense.
Nathan’s arms encircled me as he pulled me into his chest and he buried his face in the crook of my neck. His tears splashed against my skin.
I didn’t understand. Despite my best efforts I was hurting again, my damaged heart trampled on once more. Except this time, it felt worse, more significant, as if all the broken hearts of the past were merely tiny cracks. This crack felt more like the one in the liberty bell.
Completely and utterly devastating.
After what felt like an eternity, Nathan scooped me up and laid me in my bed. He kept his arms wound tightly around me. Eventually, once my sobbing and hiccupping had stopped, he loosened his grip and got up from the bed. I pretended to be asleep because I couldn't face him leaving.
Once I heard the front door close, and I knew he was gone, I fell apart. I cried loud gut-wrenching, body-wracking sobs into my pillow, cursing my foolishness and Nathan’s fickle heart.
Chapter 8
Go and fix your make up, girl, it’s just a break up. Run and hide your crazy and start actin’ like a lady.
~Miranda Lambert
By Tuesday I'd spent a significant amount of time crying, feeling sorry for myself, lying in bed and eating my weight in chocolate.
I rubbed the heel of my hand over the center of my chest. Everything inside me was burning, aching, and hurting.
I felt like I had been broken. Bleeding and raw. I had foolishly believed I could do this. That I could keep things between Nathan and me at least semi-casual. That we could have sex and it wouldn't change everything. That I could keep myself closed off enough or take it slow enough so I would not get hurt.
Being with Nathan that night made me feel like I'd been ripped open. Which made his rejection hurt even more. Made me feel used and insignificant.
Except I kept hearing his words. Maybe it was all just bad timing. Nathan was obviously a very passionate person, maybe he just couldn't give a relationship with me his total focus because it was so significant. Like he'd said, his whole career, his future, what he'd worked for his whole life was on the line.
These thoughts didn't make me feel any better. In fact, I felt worse. Couldn’t we have made it work? Why did he start something with me at all?
Ugh. I was so sick of my thoughts.
"Ashley, get up!" Katie yelled as she came in my room and plopped unceremoniously down on my bed. "You have got to stop mopping around. Get dressed, we're going out."
I moaned and pulled the covers over my head. Katie promptly ripped them off me. I squealed in protest.
"I'm serious, Ash. Get up," she commanded.
I pouted and crossed my arms
over my chest. Katie sighed and wrapped her arms around me in a hug.
"Talk to me, Ash. It'll help."
I sighed. I had to talk to someone, I was driving myself crazy.
"Do you think Nathan couldn't be serious with me because I was too much work? Did I push him away? Or did I rush things by pushing sex?"
Katie shook her head against mine. "I don't think any of that's true."
The Best Kind of Trouble Page 5
