"Speaking from experience, Andy, don't do anything tonight. Sleep on whatever it is you want to do." Nora rubbed her hands together and leaned forward. "This one bump doesn't have to mean it's over for you and my brother. He cares so deeply for you and Harper. I don't know what he would do if you walked away from him now." Nora's eyes caught the light of the dim lamp in the corner. Andy knew she was right. She knew running from it all would only keep her running, but a small part of her begged her to do just that. To turn aside and let it all fall down. Would it shatter me too?
"I think that I shouldn't have moved in here with your brothers when Matt asked me. I should have maintained some distance. I was just so tired and scared of what might happen without him." Andy's confession just fell out of her mouth. She knew her whole story would, if not closely guarded around Nora. They were kindred spirits. A great deal of comfort was offered because of that connection.
"You did what you thought was right. Matt only wanted to protect you." Nora sat back in her chair and the shadow covered her face. Andy shook her head. Protect! There is that word again!
"I don't need him to protect me, Nora. I just need him to be there for me. Why can't he just accept that not everything can be changed?" Andy fell back onto the bed, careful not to wake Harper. She hated to note that this bed didn't feel nearly as comfortable as Matt's did.
"He's a good man, Andy. Good men instantly want to fix anything that is broken. Doubly so if he loves you." Nora's words knocked her slightly off the topic. Love? Could he really love me too?
"I've never been told that before. I mean from a guy." Andy confessed into the room, her heart skipping in its hurried rhythm. Nora didn't say anything. Andy lay quietly on the bed, her eyes slowly closing. Harper started to fuss almost instantly, but Nora was already there. Andy sat up, rubbing her painful and gritty eyes.
"I've got her. You go back to sleep." Nora whispered to Andy and swept Harper from the room. Andy didn't fight her. Harper seemed to like her too. She really did feel exhausted.
Stumbling around, Andy pulled out a pair of flowered pajama pants and a tank top to sleep in. Stripping her jeans off and then her top, Andy dressed in the sleep pants and shirt. Clumsily she crossed to her bed and pulled back the covers. The sheets were cool and the pillows cradled her head. Again tears pricked her eyes. She couldn't pretend that she didn't want to be across the hall, lying in Matt's arms. Her heart ached to be so angry. She didn't want to be angry with him. Andy closed her eyes and hugged her pillow tightly against her chest.
***
He felt like shit. After Andy had left the room with Nora, Matt had escaped outdoors. He breathed in copious amounts of fresh air trying to shake the tsunami that threatened to crash over him. Against his better judgment he had let his weakness for the unknown take hold. Worse than that, Andy had found out just like Nora said she would. He was sorry for using his connections to find out who had called. He was in agony that it had hurt Andy. It would be his wretched luck that she would never trust him again. She was probably planning on moving out as soon as she could. Matt's chest squeezed painfully. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Andy couldn't leave. He couldn't let her go. He couldn't let Harper go either. Both of them had become everything to him. He didn't know how to make this right. He didn't know how to change her mind. He did know just how much he stood to lose if she left him. Matt came in from the yard on a mission to tell her how he felt. If she knew that he loved her, she wouldn't leave him. Would she anyway? He zipped past Garrett, who had downed a couple more beers, and he met Nora on the stairway. She held a fussy Harper. No Andy.
One look at his sister said a multitude of things. The searing flames of anger were dissipating, but the gaping wound was still there. A raw, throbbing wound that needed to be addressed now. Nora stood her ground on the stairs not letting him pass. Her blue eyes burned into his own and she conveyed much more than words would ever say to him. As siblings they had always been in tuned to each other and they could forgive a great many things, but Nora was telling him he had this one shot to make it right. If he screwed that one shot up, there would be no forgiving this.
"She's in her room." Nora's voice sounded gravelly. She had been crying too. Shit. He really was the lowest of the low. Matt slowly nodded and stepped past her when she descended towards the main floor. Andy was in her room. He repeated it over and over in his head as he went up the stairs.
Rounding the corner from the stairs into the hallway, Matt went to the second door on the left. It was ajar. His heart was hammering in his chest when he looked into the room. It was dark except for a small lamp in the far corner. It was enough to see that Andy was in bed covered almost completely by the comforter. Her long brown hair was covering one shoulder. He took a deep breath and pushed the door open. It swung soundlessly to allow him entry.
Not having any sort of plan before he got up here, Matt stood motionless just inside the door. His body craved hers. His skin wanted her touch and his nose picked up the familiar scent. Closing the door all the way, Matt moved towards the bed. His bare feet were soundless in the soft carpet. He reached his hand out pulling part of the comforter back to reveal a spot for him. He didn't allow his mind to doubt this move, he eased into the mattress next to Andy. She stirred only slightly as he came to rest beside her. His arm snaked over her waist and drew her firmly into his body.
They were a perfect fit. Her curves filled in his hollows. He wasn't sure if he had messed this up for all time, but he prayed he hadn't. He needed to apologize and he had to fix the rift. He couldn't survive her leaving him. His hand brushed away her hair from the smooth, pale column of her neck. Her cheeks were splotchy and red from crying. His gut twisted again. He grimaced and leaned in to press his lips to her neck. She shifted against him, her eyes never opening.
"Why are you here?" Andy's voice was raspy and low. He swallowed hard, the lump remained. He settled himself a bit more comfortably and nodded.
"I just want to hold you, Andy." His plea was met by silence. She still didn't open her eyes or turn over into him. He waited, breath baited. It seemed such a long time before she nodded.
It was some sort of green light as he closed his eyes and willed peace to settle between them. Wherever would he begin to sort this out? Matt breathed in her unique scent, feeling her hair soft on his cheek. There was so much he wanted to say, but how in the world did it translate into words? The seconds ticked by, slower than they ever had before. The longer it went on, the further he felt from her.
"I wanted to apologize, Andy. I messed up, I know. I thought I was protecting you by finding out who it was that called. You were so upset and I didn't know what else to do." He was rambling, he knew that. The words of explanation just fell out of his mouth. He wasn't even sure she was listening, but she had to be. His mouth was next to her ear. He could hear her ragged breathing and the soft inhalations as silent tears still slipped down her cheeks. Matt waited for a response, which seemed to take forever. He needed her to understand, but at this point if he opened his mouth, he feared all his jumbled words would be incoherent at best. He sighed heavily in frustration.
"You told me that I should trust you. You said you wouldn't force me to tell you what I wasn't ready to." Andy whispered loudly between rough breaths. Matt squeezed his eyes shut.
"I meant it. I was afraid, Andy. I can't lose you and Harper. Please give me another chance at this. I will do whatever it takes." Matt pleaded, his passion rising with each heartfelt word. His chest rose and fell with each quick breath. Andy rolled onto her back, pulling half way out of his arms. Matt flexed his hands at the loss. He noted each watery pathway down her cheek from her tears.
"You already know part of the secret, Matt. Lance Harper. I suppose you should know the rest of it." Her green eyes had shifted to almost a steel gray in the minimal light. Her beautiful full lips almost pressed completely into a line. She was closing herself off emotionally from all of it and he yearned to pull her back into the safety of hi
s arms. He resisted the urge.
"Lance Harper is my daughter's uncle. His brother, Terrell Harper is the father." She sucked in a huge chest full of air. Matt couldn't mistake the strength that it took for her to admit that to him. He knew his sister carried that secret with her five years after Drew was born. Andy was either telling him to let him in, or she was telling him before she said goodbye. Matt prayed she was trusting him with the knowledge for the future.
"What does he want? Why isn't his brother contacting you directly?" Matt kept his voice low, undemanding and he hoped it was soothing. Andy lowered her chin towards her chest.
"Terrell is dead. He died four months ago in Afghanistan. He was in the army." Her voice wobbled, tears creeping out the corners of her eyes again. This time Matt couldn't resist pulling her into him. She let him.
"He must have known you were pregnant." Matt said, unconsciously running his hand over the goose bumps on her arm. Andy nodded jerkily. He closed his eyes. How much pain did she have to carry?
"It was one night. I was pregnant after my first time. I was so ashamed and I didn't know what to do. I told Terrell the last day before he was to report back to base. I was so afraid he wouldn't believe me." Every word she spoke tore a deeper hole in Matt. He wanted to hold onto the anger, but he knew nothing could be healed by its presence. He continued to hold her and rub her arm in support.
"He wrote to me after I had told my parents and they had strongly urged adoption. He said to promise him that I would never tell his parents about our baby. Never tell them she is mine. He begged me. He said that his parents were screwed up." Andy took a shaky breath and continued. "His father was in prison for the second time and his mother had been on drugs since he and his brother were little." Andy broke down, her sobs wracking her body in furious shakes. Matt squeezed her into him, holding her head against his chest. He could feel the torrential tears soaking his shirt. A part of him wished he had never started this. Another part told him that she needed him even more now.
"He wrote me exactly four months before Harper was born. He was so excited to be a father. Terrell said he was taking leave to be there for her like his parents never were for him. I just knew everything was going to be fine. It didn't matter so much that my family life was falling apart. I had to keep my baby. Matt, I had to keep her." Andy shattered, splintering in so many directions that he wasn't sure where to start cleaning up and putting back together. She clung to him as if she were afraid that hell would open up and pull her in. Her sobs penetrated the deepest recesses of his soul. He was sure he would never forget this night not so long as he lived.
"Of course you had to keep her, sweetheart. You still have Harper and me. We aren't going anywhere." Matt murmured into her hair. Her spasms started to slow. She drew in a shallow breath.
"Terrell was killed by a road-side bomb while they were out securing a school. It was instant and he felt no pain. I was contacted by his request should something happen to him. We weren't married so it was more of a courtesy than anything." Andy snuggled closer with his chin resting on her head. "I was on my own with our baby. I couldn't think of a name for her and when the nurse asked me, I didn't know what to say. Harper came out without me thinking about it."
He couldn't imagine knowing he was going to be a father and then never live to see it. Terrell Harper wasn't the bad guy after all. He was a serviceman and a hero. It was a difficult memory to live up to, but he was going to be a father to Harper. He wasn't sure he could voice that right here and now. Andy might not believe that he was serious, but he was.
"Where does Lance Terrell come into the picture?" Matt asked, hugging a much calmer woman in his arms. She was still emotional, but it had taken its toll. She was exhausted.
"He wants to see her. I don't know if I should. Terrell never mentioned keeping his brother away. He never mentioned much about him at all." Andy closed her eyes, her fingers playing with the collar of his shirt. Matt wondered what Garrett would do for him if the positions of the two brothers were exchanged. Would Garrett do whatever possible to maintain contact with Matt's fatherless child? He hoped so. It was a problem for another day. He had gotten far more than he had bargained for tonight. Mentally his head was spinning and physically he was rung out. Matt couldn't imagine how Andy felt. Traumatized, probably! He grimaced.
"Thank you for telling me. I really am sorry. I hope you can forgive me." Matt whispered gently in her ear. Greenish gray eyes stared into his. They looked like the skies just after a heavy thunderstorm.
"It hurt, Matt." Her words knifed through him, spilling his emotions into a jumbled mess. He groaned, closing his eyes again. He leaned forward, pressing his forehead against hers.
"I love you, Andy. Please forgive me." His heart quit beating for those seconds after he said the words. He had never said the words to any woman but his sister and mother. He silently prayed Andy would believe him and give him a second chance. He heard the soft moan that escaped her lips.
"I forgave you the minute you crawled into bed." Andy pressed her lips to his. Desire speared through him as he kissed her. Never mind that she hadn't said she loved him back. She had shared one of the deepest and darkest secrets tonight with him. He knew she loved him in return.
Matt and Andy were far too tired to go beyond that soul-searing kiss. He took off his wet shirt and then pulled her close to his bare skin. Andy rested her cheek, listening to his heart beat as they both fell into dreamless sleep.
Chapter Eighteen
Andy woke up to the South Dakota sunshine streaming into her bedroom. She hesitated to open her eyes any further than a crack due to the monstrous headache that beat away in her skull. Oh God! Her eyes burned and her throat was as dry as the desert! If she didn't have a vivid memory of last night, Andy would have thought she had went to bed wasted. Not that you ever have been wasted! Although after the night she'd had, she could have settled for a couple just to take the edge off.
She swallowed, rolling her face into the soft pillow. With one wandering look, she noted with a sigh that Matt was not beside her. The indentation on the other pillow was the only mark left that he had really been there. A large knot constricted her breathing. She was a mixed bag of emotions this morning. The range was far beyond her comprehension and she didn't feel like sorting them all out into neat, understandable categories. Maybe tomorrow.
"Is it safe to come in?" Nora asked after she had knocked on the door. Andy wanted to just roll over and shut out the world, but it wasn't likely to happen. Nora seemed to know it was up to her to pull Andy back into the world of the living. Matt's sister toted Harper on her hip. Harper looked happy and playful this morning in her yellow sundress.
"I hope she wasn't too much trouble last night." Andy groaned as she turned over and sat up. Her head spun like a lopsided top. Nora smiled softly, seating herself down on the bed.
"Harper is a doll. I actually miss Drew being this little. They grow up so fast." Nora ruffled Harper's downy blonde hair. Andy felt a pang of guilt as Harper grinned and ducked her head into Nora's shoulder. Rubbing her eyes and wishing for some Tylenol, Andy took a couple of deep breaths. She really felt out of her element. Everyone knew what happened last night. How was she to get past it all?
"Everything goes so fast! One day here and the next day gone." Andy said in a measured voice. She didn't try to make eye contact with Nora. Matt's sister was all grown up and a single mom to boot! She knew what Andy meant.
"Not everything goes away. You don't stop being a mother or protecting your child. If anyone understands that, I do. You were brave enough to tell Matt last night about Harper's father. I'm not brave enough to even admit it to myself, let alone Randy." Nora plopped Harper onto the bedspread and tickled her cute little toes. A sloppy gurgle spilled out of Harper's pink lips.
"I didn't tell him, because it was the right time. Matt found out Lance Harper's name and did some digging." Andy sighed loudly, tipping her head to the ceiling. "I told him, because I don't want him freak
ing out on me. Matt has been an angel and I know he dotes on Harper so much. Besides I am not a very good liar." Andy slipped out of bed, tugging her shirt down and resettling her pajama pants.
"She is your daughter, Andy, and they are your secrets. I agree Matt is an amazing guy and he absolutely loves you and Harper, but he isn't entitled to know everything. I'm sorry if I come off as a bitch, but it's how I feel. You don't give trust; you earn it." Nora wore a frown, her beautiful blue eyes sparking. Andy knew where she was coming from. Being a single parent was hard and Andy didn't think she could be strong enough to continue doing this all on her own. She wasn't prepared for it.
"I agree that trust has to be earned, but to me, Matt has done that. He has been protecting us from the moment he met us. From Monica mostly, but also from myself. I needed someone to be there for me and he just came out of the blue. No warning. No questions. No ultimatums." Andy slid open her dresser drawer to pull out clean underwear, socks, shirt and jeans. She slip it shut with a snap. "I want to keep Matt in our lives and I don't want to keep any more secrets than what I feel I absolutely must." Andy felt more than saw Nora's surprise and then a small smile creeped over her fine features. Nora nodded gently and turned back to Harper on the bed. Andy left the room to take a shower.
***
She felt clean, physically refreshed, but her brain kept whirring around like the inside of a washer. Agitated, on edge and bewildered by the need to share her feelings, Andy gathered Harper's diaper bag. It was time to get out of this house. She needed some air and the bright sunshine to remind her that life went on as it always did. Time didn't stop because she didn't know what to do with it.
Black Hills Angel (Black Hills Series) Page 18
