by Fiona Lowe
And that scared her more than anything.
CHAPTER NINE
NOAH STRODE ALONG the main street, eating his ham and salad baguette as he went and enjoying the sunshine on his face. Unlike his first week in Turraburra, when he’d actually sat on a park bench and taken in the ocean view, today he was walking directly from the bakery to the clinic, because his morning visit to the nursing home had run a long way over time.
He’d got distracted with the birthday morning tea for Mrs Lewinski, who was celebrating her one-hundredth birthday. The local press had been there and the staff had put on a party with balloons, mugs of tea, a cream-filled sponge cake and bingo. It was Mrs L.’s favourite game and it had seemed wrong not to stay and play one game with her. He’d lost.
His week had been a busy one—Lily had been right about word getting out. His third week in town had passed so fast he could hardly believe it was Friday.
‘Dr Jackson. Dr Jackson, slow down.’
He turned towards the female voice and saw Claire Burke hurrying towards him. ‘Hi, Claire, great day, isn’t it?’
‘Yes, it is!’ Unlike the scowling woman she’d been last Saturday, now she was positively beaming. ‘Karen just called me and told me the news. I can’t believe it. I really thought you were just spinning me a line the other day to placate me. I never expected you to be a miracle-worker.’ She pushed a carton of eggs into his hands. ‘These are free-range eggs from my chooks as a thank-you.’
He accepted the eggs. ‘You’re welcome, and I’m not a miracle-worker. I just made a few phone calls and spoke with my boss at the Melbourne Victoria. I suggested to him that as the hospital had sent me down here to work, it was only right and proper that I finish the work I started. I’ll be removing your gall bladder on my first day back in Melbourne.’
‘Well, the fact I’ll be operated on in eleven days is a miracle to me and I’m not your only happy patient, Dr Jackson. Rita Hazelton and Len Peterken told me their news too.’
Noah matched her smile. ‘Like I said, I’m happy to be able to help.’ And he meant it.
In his telephone conversation with the prof, the experienced surgeon had been hesitant about the idea of Noah bringing back a patient load with him from Turraburra. Noah had surprised himself at how passionately he’d pushed for the surgical cases. He always saw his surgery in terms of making a difference but, seeing people in their home environment, those differences were even starker.
His life in Melbourne, his income and his access to services had given him a certain amount of immunity to his past. It was easier to forget the difficult stuff but his time in Turraburra had brought back a lot of memories—life in a town without services and hardworking people in low-paid jobs who couldn’t afford health insurance. The reminder that he’d lost contact with his roots came with a shot of middle-class guilt and going in to bat for four patients had seemed a valid way of easing it. It surprised him just how much pleasure he was getting out of being able to help.
‘We all thought you were a bit of a cold fish, Doctor,’ Claire said, her tone bemused, ‘but you’ve totally surprised us, in a good way.’
Thank you? It was time to go. ‘It’s been good talking to you, Claire, but I need to get back to the clinic. Thanks for the eggs.’
He arrived back to find Lily sitting at Reception with a huge box of vegetables. He leaned in for a quick kiss. ‘Are you starting a food bank?’
She laughed and kissed him back. ‘Actually, they’re for you, along with this tub of honey, a leg of lamb and some filleted flathead. The town loves you.’
He gave a wry smile. ‘Claire Burke just told me the town thought I was a bit of cold fish when I first arrived.’
Lily dropped her face in her hands before looking up at him. ‘She seriously said that after you’ve just organised her surgery?’
‘It’s okay. I know she meant it as a compliment and we both know I wasn’t exactly enthusiastic when I first arrived. The funny thing is, Turraburra grows on you.’
A stricken look crossed her pretty face. ‘But Melbourne’s better, right?’
‘Melbourne is without a doubt the absolute best.’ He hauled her to her feet, wrapping his arms around her waist. ‘Do you want to come over for dinner tonight and help me eat some of this stuff?’
Her brows rose teasingly. ‘Cook it, you mean?’
‘Well, if you’re offering …’
She laughed. ‘How about you barbecue the fish and I’ll make ratatouille with the veggies. Deal?’
‘Deal.’ He glanced around and with no sign of Karen or the afternoon session patients he kissed her long and hard, loving the way she slumped against him. ‘And just maybe you could stay the whole night?’
Shadows rolled across her usually clear eyes. ‘It’s not like I have a lot of control over that. Women have a habit of going into labour in the early hours of the morning.’
Only he knew irrespective of a labouring woman, Lily always left his bed before dawn. ‘Is it your grandfather?’
‘Is what my grandfather?’
‘The reason you always leave.’
She spun out of his arms. ‘I’m a grown woman, Noah. Gramps doesn’t question my comings and goings.’
So why do you leave? He didn’t know why it bugged him so much that she did, because in the past he’d always been the one to depart first. In fact, he’d made sure his trysts with women occurred at their place or in a hotel so that he could always make his exit when it suited him. With Lily, staying at her grandfather’s house was out of the question so they used his flat. He couldn’t say exactly why he wanted her to stay a whole night but he did know that when she rolled away from him, swung her legs out of bed and padded out of the room, a vague hollowness filled him.
An idea pinged into his head—the perfect solution to this problem. ‘You have this weekend rostered off, right?’
She nodded. ‘Someone’s down from MMU this afternoon through Sunday. Why? Do you want to visit that winery I told you about?’
He caught her hands and drew her back in close. ‘Better than that.’
She gazed up at him, her expression quizzical. ‘Better than a studio room high in the gum trees with a view clear to Tasmania?’
He grinned. ‘Yep.’
Her eyes sparkled with excitement. ‘Where?’
‘My place.’
‘Um, Noah, the hospital flat doesn’t come close to the accommodation at the winery.’
He shook his head. ‘No, I mean my place. Come and spend the weekend with me in Melbourne.’
Her eyes dimmed. ‘Oh, I don’t th—’
‘Yes,’ he said enthusiastically. ‘Come and experience my world. Let me show you my Melbourne. We can go to the Queen Vic market for the best coffee in the country, take in the exhibition at the National Gallery, see a show at the Melbourne Theatre Company, anything you want.’
She stiffened in his arms. ‘No.’
The quiet word carried gravitas. He tucked some hair behind her ears. ‘Why not?’
‘I don’t like Melbourne.’
He kissed her hair. ‘But you’ve never had me as a tour guide before.’
She pulled away. ‘It’s not like I haven’t seen or done those things before, Noah. None of it’s new to me.’
Her quick dismissal of his idea felt like a slap in the face. ‘So you’ll spend the weekend at the winery where you’ve been before but you won’t come to Melbourne?’
She shrugged. ‘What can I say? I’m a country girl.’
Her dismissive manner was at odds with her usual interest in things. ‘Aren’t you at all curious about seeing my place?’
She sucked in her lips. ‘Not really, no.’
Her rejection flared a jagged, white-hot pain, which burned him under his ribs. No. His hand rubbed the spot. It had been a long time since he’d felt something like that and he hated it was back. Hated that he’d allowed himself to care enough to be hurt. ‘So this thing between us doesn’t extend beyond Turraburra?’
She stared at him, her face filling with pity. ‘Noah, you were the one who said sex doesn’t have to mean a lifelong commitment. I took you at your word. We enjoy each other while you’re here and then we go back to our lives.’
His own words—ones he’d always lived by when it came to women and sex—suffocated him with their irony. For the first time in his life he didn’t want to walk away. Lily made him laugh, she called him on his arrogant tendencies and as a result he’d become a better doctor and a better person. She understood him in a way no one else ever had, and because of that he’d opened up to her, telling her more about this life than he’d told anyone.
He wanted a chance to explore this relationship, an opportunity to see where it would take them. Hell, he wanted more than that. He wanted to come home to Lily, tell her about his day, bounce ideas off her, and hear about her day.
I love her.
His breath left his lungs in a rush, leaving him hauling in air against cramping muscles. No, I do not love her. I can’t love her.
He didn’t have time to love anyone, didn’t want to love anyone, and he didn’t want to feel tied down to another person. Loving meant caring and caring meant his life wasn’t his own to do as he pleased.
It’s already happened, mate. That empty feeling when she leaves the bed—that’s love.
Wanting to show her Melbourne—that’s love.
Wanting her to share your life—that’s love.
He ran his hands through his hair but the ragged movement morphed into something else. Panic eased, replaced by a desperate need to tell her exactly how he felt. ‘What if I told you that when I said all that stuff about commitment I truly believed it, but getting to know you has changed everything?’
‘Noah, I—’
‘Shh.’ He pressed his finger gently to her lips. ‘I want to take this to the next level. I want commitment, exclusivity, the complete deal. I want us to be a couple because I’ve fallen in love with you.’
A look of pure horror crossed her face and she brought her arms up in front of her like a protective shield. ‘You don’t love me, Noah.’
He opened his hands palms up, hoping the gesture would reassure her. ‘It’s a surprise to me too but I most definitely do love you.’
‘No.’ Her voice rose, tinged with a sharp edge. ‘You don’t.’
Every cell in his body tensed and he worked hard at keeping a leash on his temper. ‘Don’t tell me—’ he immediately dropped his slightly increased volume ‘—what I think and feel.’
Her face blanched, suddenly pinched. ‘Don’t yell at me.’
He stared at her, confused. ‘You think that’s yelling?’ He laughed, trying to make a joke to lighten the moment. ‘If you think that’s yelling, don’t come near my operating theatre when a patient’s bleeding out.’
‘And that’s so very reassuring.’
Her sarcasm—her default defensive setting—whipped him, burning his skin. Bewildered, he reached for her, needing to touch her and fix this. How had his declaration of love landed him in emotional quicksand?
She ducked his touch. ‘People don’t fall in love in three weeks, Noah, they just think they do. You’re a doctor. You know about hormones and lust. You’ve seen the MRI films of the effect of lust on the brain but it’s not love.’ Her face implored him to understand. ‘Think about it. You arrived here angry and disenfranchised, like an alien from another planet, and I made you feel good. You’re projecting those feelings onto me but it’s not love.’
The logical side of his brain grappled with her argument while his bruised heart quivered, telling him she was wrong. Very, very wrong. ‘If it was only lust, I wouldn’t be thinking past the next time we had sex or a week from today, but I am. What we have is so much more than sex, Lily, you know it too. I’ve never felt this way about anyone and for the first time in my life I want to try. We have a shot at a future and it starts with me showing you my real life.’
Her mouth flattened into a grim line. ‘I glimpsed it when we spent the day at the Melbourne Victoria.’
‘My life’s more than just the hospital.’
Her brows rose. ‘You’re a surgical registrar about to sit your part-two exams. Your life is work and study.’
He immediately jettisoned that line of argument, knowing he couldn’t win it, and tried something else. ‘I’ve had the luxury of getting to know you. You invited me into your world and last Sunday, cooking with you and then playing cards with Bruce, was really special.’
‘Gramps invited you, Noah, not me. Don’t read more into it than country hospitality.’
Her words hit with the force of a king punch and he gripped the reception desk. Something was definitely off. He scanned her face, searching for clues that told him why she was behaving this way. Sure, she had moments of whipping sarcasm but he’d never known her to be so blunt. So mean.
He sighed and tried again. ‘All I’m asking is for one weekend, Lily. After all, you’ve lived in Melbourne so you know one night won’t kill you.’
Her already pale face turned ashen and her pupils dilated so fast that the beautiful blue vanished under huge, ebony discs.
A shiver ran over his skin. ‘Lily? What’s wrong? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost.’
Her chin shot up and she shook her head. ‘I’m sorry, Noah. There’s no point me coming to Melbourne with you because we have an end date. My home is here and yours is in the city. These last few weeks have been great but that’s all they can ever be. An interlude. We agreed to that and you can’t change the rules on me now.’
Incredulity flooded him. ‘You’re letting geography get in the way of something that could be amazing?’
She folded her arms over her chest, as a slight tremor rippled across her body. ‘Geography has nothing to do with it, Noah.’
‘I know something’s going on, something I don’t understand. Please tell me what it is so I can help. Whatever it is, together we can fix it.’
She closed her eyes for a moment and when she opened them again their emptiness chilled him. She swallowed. ‘There’s nothing to fix, Noah.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I don’t love you.’
His lunch turned to stone in his stomach. ‘Well, there’s nothing ambiguous about that answer.’
‘No. There’s not.’ She wrung her hands. ‘I’m sorry it couldn’t be different.’
‘You’re sorry?’ Feelings of foolishness curdled with hurt and despair. ‘Am I supposed to be grateful you threw me that bone, because, let me tell you, I’m not.’ He tapped his chest directly over his heart. ‘This hurts.’
Lily heard Noah’s anguish and it tore at her, shredding her heart. She’d never intended to hurt him but he wanted more of her than she was able to give. Loving him was too much of a gamble. It would open her up to a huge risk and she’d worked way too hard at rebuilding her life to chance losing everything all over again. ‘I said I was sorry.’ And she truly meant it.
‘Yeah. I heard.’ The deep words rumbled around her, vibrating in controlled anger that flicked and stung her like the tail of a switch. ‘Did sorry cut it with your ex-husband?’
She gasped as his bitter words spun her back in time. I’m sorry, Trent. I apologise. I was wrong. Fighting for control, she managed to grind out, ‘This has nothing to do with my marriage.’
His expression turned stony. ‘I wouldn’t know, seeing as you’ve never told me anything about it.’
Fear and embarrassment rose on a river of acid, scalding the back of her throat. And I’m never going to tell you. ‘There’s nothing to tell. I was young and stupid. I had a whirlwind, high-octane romance with all the trimmings—flowers, chocolates, horse-and-carriage rides and a proposal straight out of a Hollywood movie. I thought I’d found my great love and I got married. Turned out it was neither great nor love, just lust, and it wore off fast. For Trent, it wore off even faster.’ If you’d been a better wife, I wouldn’t have had to look elsewhere.
&nb
sp; She sucked in a steadying breath to push the memory of Trent’s vicious voice away. ‘It turns out the affair I discovered he was having was actually his third since we got married. I filed for divorce. End of story.’
His keen and piercing eyes bored through her. ‘So you were young, you made a mistake and, just like that, you’re not prepared to take a second chance?’
Panic skittered through her. She had to stop him asking questions, digging and probing, in case he got close to the truth. Do what it takes to stop him.
Her gut rolled. The only choice she had was to hurt him. ‘We’re too different, Noah. We’d never work so there’s no point trying. Believe me, when I tell you that I’m saving us the heartache.’
‘You’re wrong.’
No, I’m so very right. ‘I have to get back to work.’
‘Of course you do.’ He swiped his phone. ‘Don’t worry. I’ve only got one hundred and seventy-two hours left in town and then I’ll be out of your hair. I’m sure we can avoid each other if we try hard enough.’ His generous mouth thinned to a hard line. ‘Believe me, I’ll be trying.’
With his back straight and his shoulders rigidly square, he walked away from her before disappearing into his office.
As she stood staring at the closed door, desolation hit her and, like an arrow slicing through the bullseye on a target it pierced her straight in the solar plexus. Searing pain exploded into every cell, setting up a vibrating agony of wretchedness. She’d just wounded a good and decent man to save herself.
She doubled over in agony. Playing it safe had never hurt so much.
By Monday morning, back in Turraburra after the weekend, Noah struggled not to hate Lily. He’d spent his two days in Melbourne, preparing for his return the following Saturday. Once he’d lodged the necessary paperwork for the Turraburra patients at the Victoria and booked the operating theatre, he’d concentrated on doing all his favourite things. He’d gone to a game at the MCG, he’d run through Yarra Park, bought coffee beans from his favourite deli to replenish his Turraburra supply, and he’d spent Saturday night at the Rooftop. He’d hated every minute of it.
