‘Why can’t I get over losing him? I have to get over that before I can move on with my life. And now that the shop might close, what am I going to do without Riley and Dan, to get me through the days? I― I can’t do this on my own.’
‘You don’t have to,’ said Cooper. ‘You have us to help you.’
‘It’s not enough.’
A silence fell upon the room. Sadie hoped she hadn’t offended him with her outburst.
‘Ross wanted me to live my life without him,’ she tried again to explain. ‘He wanted me to go on and do everything we’d done before, but with someone else. He wanted me to be loved again.’ She looked at Cooper. ‘I told him I didn’t think I could do that, and he got angry with me for a while, and then he calmed down.’
‘He loved you so much,’ said Cooper.
Sadie nodded. ‘I feel desperately lonely without him, yet I also feel that I’m being selfish if I show that. I have Esther to think about. I shouldn’t be feeling sorry for myself. But I― I can’t do this without him.’
Again, Cooper drew her into his arms and let her cry until her tears had dried up. It was so good to have his arms around her. She felt a physical jolt as she realised it was what she missed: being loved by someone, held by someone, belonging to someone. She missed being part of a couple.
Afterwards, she pulled away slightly, embarrassed by her outburst.
‘Sorry about that.’ Sadie reached for a tissue. ‘Sometimes I just can’t keep it all in.’
‘I’ve told you, anytime.’ Cooper stared at her. ‘Don’t forget that. I do worry about you.’
A thought struck her, causing her to gasp. ‘You don’t think you’re a substitute for Ross, do you?’
‘Of course not.’ Cooper shook his head. ‘I really wish I could fall in love with you and marry you and make you and Esther happy, but I can’t do that. It would be like sleeping with my sister.’
‘Eww.’ Sadie wrinkled her nose. ‘That’s gross.’
‘I can still make you smile.’ Cooper kissed her gently on the forehead. ‘And I can look after you just the same.’
‘Mummy, are you all right?’ Esther’s head popped round the door frame.
‘Sure I am.’ Sadie wiped at her eyes, as she beckoned her over. She pulled her daughter onto her lap and held her close. ‘I thought you were asleep.’
‘I’m too excited.’
‘But everyone knows a good dancer needs her beauty sleep,’ Cooper told her. After a moment, he took Esther’s hand. ‘Come on, I’ll tuck you in.’
As they left the room, Sadie held back tears once more. Thank goodness she had supportive friends around her. She really was lucky.
Once Cooper had gone, she would write in her journal, then maybe log on to Grieve Together. If Tanya was around she might be able to have a quick chat. Tanya would understand.
And then she might be able to get a grip, even if just for Esther’s sake.
Chapter Thirteen
Jimmy was sitting in the armchair in the window when Riley and Ethan arrived at his house. Before they’d got through the door, he had leapt from the chair and rushed to them. His barking was insane as he dived around their feet, following them into the living room, jumping on every seat before sliding along the laminate flooring.
‘Jimmy, me lad,’ Ethan cried, trying to stop him jumping up at Riley. ‘Calm down, will you? You’ll do yourself an injury.’
‘He’s fine.’ Riley sat down quickly. ‘At least he’s welcoming. Hey, boy,’ she smiled as Jimmy placed his chin on her knee, and she stroked his head. ‘He must really miss you when you’re working.’
‘My next-door neighbour has a key and checks on him during the day. I don’t know what I’d do without her, given the often irregular hours of my job. I know most of the time it’s daytime hours, and if I get called out it’s likely to be during the night, but she lost her dog last year and Jimmy seems to have filled the hole Ralph left behind. She often takes him round to her house for a few hours, especially in summer when it’s hot indoors.’
‘Lucky fella.’ Riley continued to stroke Jimmy’s head.
‘So, this dance?’ Ethan looked at her pointedly. ‘Will you be practising in your bedroom, watching yourself in your wardrobe mirror?’
‘No!’ Riley blushed. Serena had told her to visualise herself doing the dance in her mind. Sadly, every time she did, she saw herself falling over at the last minute, like Bridget Jones when she came down the fireman’s pole showing off her knickers.
‘Although I do hasten to add that maybe if I did something stupid, it might work out in my favour – people would share the video more then!’
‘You’ll be fine,’ said Ethan.
‘Or maybe everyone will be too busy cooing over Esther looking so cute next to all the grown-ups.’
‘I still want to see some of your moves.’ Ethan’s voice turned husky. ‘I can’t wait to see what you can do.’
Riley felt a shiver pass through her as he reached for her hand. They hadn’t slept together yet, but they were both keen to. Their kisses had turned more passionate with every date. She was surprised she had held out this long, really. She was the one holding back, so hurt by Nicholas’s betrayal. She couldn’t take that out on Ethan forever, though. It wasn’t fair to him, and it would feel as if she didn’t trust him.
It wasn’t fair to herself, either.
More to the point, she did want to move things along, and she was looking forward to getting closer to him, even if she was a little nervous. Surely that was par for the course? She wasn’t the type of person who would rip her clothes off as soon as she met someone. She wanted to know that it was right before giving herself to anyone, even at the age of thirty-two. Especially after the Nicholas debacle. She’d told Ethan she had some demons, and he’d said he understood.
But yes, she was ready now.
‘No time like the present.’ Her voice was soft. ‘I’m not doing the dance, though. That is strictly for a one-off performance.’
‘A one-off performance is definitely something I am not interested in. But . . .’ Ethan pulled her to her feet and into his arms. ‘Back to the dance – it isn’t anything like Dirty Dancing, is it? Because I could definitely carry a watermelon.’
Riley laughed as they waltzed around the room.
‘Ow!’ she cried as he stamped on her toes one too many times. ‘You’re worse than I am.’
‘Well, they do say practice makes perfect.’
Ethan twirled her one more time and then wrapped his arms around her as she faced him.
Riley looked up, noticing his dilated pupils, the curve of his lips and the gap between them. She glanced at his eyes, then his mouth, then back to his eyes.
Time seemed to stand still as he dipped his head towards hers. Their mouths pressed together as if it was the first time. She wrapped her arms around his neck, running one hand through his hair, feeling his body responding as a groan escaped his mouth. His lips began to travel to her neck, his hand to her breast. She pulled at his shirt, wanting to feel his skin. He groaned again, and pushed her down onto the settee.
Dropping on top of her gently, he went to kiss her.
‘Aren’t you forgetting something?’ Riley asked.
‘What?’
Riley nodded her head in the dog’s direction.
Ethan grinned. ‘Oh. You don’t want an audience?’ He scooped Jimmy up and carried him out of the room. Seconds later, he was back in the same position he’d left. His look was intense as she gazed back at him.
‘Where was I?’ he said, before dipping his mouth to find hers.
Over the next few days, every spare minute at work or at home was spent practising the dance. At home, Riley waltzed around her living room to the song as she streamed it on YouTube. At work, she and Sadie took it in turns to practise with Dan whenever the shop was customer-free.
By the time Wednesday evening rolled around, they were as ready as they would ever be. They were all at the dance s
tudio, taking a breather after rehearsing for over an hour.
‘Let’s go again from the top!’ Serena cried for the umpteenth time as she clapped her hands at the group.
As the dancers trooped back out into the corridor, all excited and pumped up with adrenaline, Riley stood at the front of the room, bent over, hands on knees, trying to catch her breath.
‘Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever worked so hard in my life,’ she exclaimed through ragged breaths. She held up a hand. ‘I’m going to be super-fit after this.’
Sadie leaned on her shoulder. ‘Me, too. I’m glad Esther is having a sleepover at Christine and Paul’s tonight. I’ll be fit for nothing but the sofa as soon as I get in. But only after a long hot bath to ease the aches I know I’m going to have in the morning.’
‘What time is Cooper picking us up?’ asked Ash, leaning on Dan’s shoulder, her face covered in red blotches and glistening with sweat.
Sadie checked her watch. ‘Another half an hour yet! That’s about ten more rehearsals.’
‘We can do it,’ said Dan, taking her and Sadie by the hand. ‘Come on, Riley.’
Riley followed behind them, flashing a smile in Serena’s direction before heading out of the door. As soon as they were in the corridor, the music started again and two dancers went through the door.
Although Riley was tired, and thinking that she would never get the dance moves perfected in time, she couldn’t help feeling proud of what they had set up and what they had achieved in such a short space of time. Setting the date had made them focus rather than dilly-dally around, thinking they had lots of time to spare. It had been a perfect deadline. They were lucky to have Serena and Ethan helping them.
Ethan.
Her mind flicked back to the night before, when they had finally got down to getting to know each other. The sex had been good, a little nerve-racking at first, but the second time had been much better. Riley had felt herself relaxing, thinking of him only, and enjoying the moment, putting that slimeball Nicholas out of her mind completely.
She pressed a finger to her chin, feeling the slight stubble rash Ethan had created. He was picking her up after the dance session, and they were going back to his house again. Tonight would be the first time she had stayed overnight with him.
‘You’ll miss your place if you’re not careful!’ Dan clicked his fingers in front of her face.
For a moment, Riley tuned Ethan out of her thoughts as she heard the beats where she, Dan, Ash and Sadie were supposed to enter the room. Ryan, her dance partner, reached for her hand again. He was just how you’d expect a young dancer to be: tall, lean, tidy hair and an angelic face. His hands and feet were always poised in the right position, and he had the patience of a saint, bringing Riley back whenever she went wrong, almost leading her through the dance. He’d told her he’d have his own dance studio by the time he was twenty, and she didn’t doubt him for a moment. Riley already knew he had a special knack for teaching. She was certain that she could nail it on the day, with him by her side.
Sadie’s dance partner, Will, pushed the door open for the final time and they followed after him. Dan and Ash, with their dance partners, came in behind. This time the dance routine was flawless, none of them faltering, none of them messing up their steps.
‘Nice work!’ Serena clapped. ‘At last! The moves weren’t all perfect, but they were in the right order.’ She reached for the remote control for the music deck. ‘Again, from the top. Just to check that wasn’t a fluke.’
Riley groaned. It was bound to have been a fluke. Knowing Serena, she would make them do it again and again and again. She’d be pirouetting in her sleep at this rate.
Serena turned back sharply. ‘Did I hear someone complaining?’
‘Me?’ Riley looked all innocent. ‘Not at all. I meant to do a little . . . “yay!”, but it came out wrong.’
Serena grinned. ‘You’re doing fine,’ she told her. ‘You just need a little more practice. Shoo.’
‘Ha ha, nice one,’ said Dan.
Serena looked puzzled.
‘Shoe?’
‘Talking of which,’ Serena pointed to their feet. Sadie and Riley had been told to wear trainers until they were accustomed to the moves. ‘Pop on the heels you’ll be dancing in. It’s time to add the glamour.’
‘Are you sure we’re ready for that?’ Ash questioned. ‘I’ve only just learned to stay on my feet. Adding heels to the equation may definitely result in me tripping over my toes.’
‘Better to do it now than on Saturday,’ said Serena.
‘You have a point.’ Ash joined Sadie and Riley and changed into her heels.
‘Time to make a fool of myself,’ Riley muttered as they lined up in the corridor once more. ‘If I stay up on my feet, I’ll eat my hat.’
‘If I stay up on my feet, I’ll eat my shoes!’ laughed Dan.
Chapter Fourteen
’Well, I’m not sure if that was fun or medieval torture,’ said Dan, after they’d finished for the night and said their goodbyes to Serena and the dancers.
‘It’s all for a good cause,’ said Sadie, trotting down the stairs behind him.
‘Yes, I’m bound to lose a little bit of weight too!’ Dan shouted. ‘That can’t be bad.’
‘Depends how many takeaways you eat afterwards,’ added Riley.
‘Damn, I was just going to ask Cooper to go home via the chippy,’ Dan remarked.
‘I’ll ask him instead,’ said Ash. ‘I’m starving after all that exercise.’
‘You’re always starving,’ pointed out Riley. ‘Beats me where you put it all.’
‘Here.’ Ash grabbed her waist. She pinched the tiniest bit of flesh. ‘That was the curry we had the other night.’
Cooper and Ethan were standing chatting as everyone went out into the car park. Over their own chatter, Riley could hear the two men laughing, and was pleased to see they seemed to be getting on really well. It was mid-April, Easter the weekend after next, and after the recent warm spell the blustery weather was back again. Riley pulled her coat around her before she took off.
‘What are you two laughing at?’ Ash asked as they reached the waiting men.
‘You beat me to it,’ said Riley, grinning wildly at Ethan. ‘Hi.’
‘Hi, you.’ He pulled her into his arms to shouts of ‘Get a room!’ from Dan.
‘We were just taking bets on which one of you would fall over first,’ said Cooper.
‘And who did you say?’ Ash replied.
Cooper pointed at her, trying to keep his face from breaking out into a smile.
‘O ye of little faith!’ Ash cried. ‘I’ll have you know, I’ve just stayed on my heels three times.’
‘She fell off them at least fifteen times before that,’ whispered Dan loudly.
Ash pushed him. ‘Do you want to walk home?’ she asked him.
‘It’s not your car,’ retorted Cooper.
Apart from Riley, Cooper was giving them all a lift.
Ash grinned. ‘I know, but I’m your co-pilot.’ She turned to Riley and raised her eyebrows. ‘I suppose you’re going to the love shack?’
Riley blushed again. ‘You’re only jealous,’ was the only thing she could think of to say.
Ash gave her a hug. ‘You’re so easy to wind up,’ she whispered.
After saying their goodbyes, Ethan and Riley headed out of the car park amidst shouts of ‘Be good’ and ‘Don’t do anything I wouldn’t’. It was all so childish but ridiculously funny.
Yet as soon as Riley got to Ethan’s house, she suddenly felt nervous again. Luckily, Jimmy made a fuss of her, so she could dip her face towards him and hide her burning cheeks.
‘I have pizza or cheese on toast,’ Ethan shouted through from the kitchen.
‘Pizza, please,’ Riley shouted back. ‘Although I really need to start eating normal food again. I’ve never eaten so much fast food in such a short space of time.’
With the pizza in the oven, Ethan walked towar
ds her, removing his jumper before his lips found hers.
‘The food is on low,’ he whispered.
‘I need a shower,’ she whispered back.
‘We’ll take one together.’ He took hold of her hand and led her out of the room.
An hour later, they were curled up on the sofa. The pizza had been eaten. Riley’s hair was wet and she was wearing Ethan’s dressing gown.
‘So, are you ready to share your past with me yet?’ Ethan asked.
Riley frowned at him.
‘I just wondered what your story is, who hurt you recently? I can tell it took a while for you to trust me enough to . . .’ He raised his eyebrows up and down.
Riley clammed up. ‘I don’t want to talk about it just yet,’ she said. ‘It will spoil a good evening.’
‘So shall I tell you all about my sordid past instead?’
Riley’s mouth dropped open.
Ethan laughed. ‘I have a few scars too. I escaped a toxic relationship just over a year ago now. The woman I was seeing, Clarissa, I was with her for nearly two years. She’d always been the jealous type, but during the second year she became extremely jealous, of everything.’ Ethan’s smile faded. ‘You know my job. I photograph people, I have to banter with them. But I’m a one-woman man. I could never cheat on anyone. Clarissa is a model. She was always being photographed, so she said she knew what went on.’
‘That seems a bit unfair,’ said Riley.
Ethan nodded. ‘I take photographs for the local news: she modelled lingerie and swimsuits. There’s a huge difference.’
‘I bet she was beautiful.’ All of a sudden, Riley felt inadequate.
‘Beauty’s only skin deep. It doesn’t matter how good-looking someone is if the relationship is going nowhere because of it. She was really vain, constantly comparing herself to other women. Always accusing me of eyeing them up too – which I never did.’ Ethan looked away for a moment, as if he couldn’t bear to recall the memories.
‘She began to follow me around,’ he continued. ‘Accused me of having an affair every time she saw me with a woman. In the end, her possessiveness got too much to handle. Even when I finished things, she made my life hell. She just wouldn’t accept it was over.’
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