Then his staring eyes caught the figure below - 1,500,000. And below that, 1,400,000. Then three 1,300,000s. And the names - Gleeze, Vorskyn, Smegerill, Wojjer and Blobe. And then another seven names, and another seven figures, all over a million. And then it struck him: this was the Council here; Kanker was up there in the rarefied atmosphere of gross overpayment with every other member of the League Council. And all these bastards were way above anybody else. OK, there were a handful of knights with well over 600,000 Essics, and there were quite a few more hovering around the half-million mark - all, it has to be said, from the Korpulund office - but there were none who approached the full million.
'Meitchars!' exclaimed Renton, and he quickly replaced the profit share listing with the alphabetical listing. He scrolled to the M's. Meeger, Meinecke, Meirkkeirher and then Meitchars - and a figure: 125,000.
Renton's mouth dropped open. His mind floundered inside his head. His brain couldn't cope. And all he could do was shake his head and then slowly scroll back to the F's.
For-bin-Ah had 150,000 Essics.
Very gradually, as he absorbed the information, Renton began to understand what was going on in the League. It was simple. Most of its knights were being raped by its top management. Indeed, if you were a knight who wasn't based in Korpulund, you were probably being gang-raped. Kanker and all his cronies on the Council were stuffing you, and the further you were from Korpulund, the more you were being stuffed. Yes, there was no doubt about it; this wasn't a true partnership of knights as Renton had previously thought, but instead it was an exercise in institutionalised intercourse without consent - or put another way, daylight bleedin' robbery on a massive scale. Somehow the majority of Ticklers out there, doing the job they were trained to do - and risking their lives in the process - had burdened themselves with a bunch of overpaid gangsters for a Council - and an out and out hoodlum for a leader.
No wonder For-bin-Ah had wanted Renton to include the profit statement in his essential reading list. And no wonder Meitchars was such a melanchole! What would anybody feel like who was so brilliant in his rôle, but had seen this rôle so demeaned - and then his whole way of life devalued - by this cankerous corruption upstairs? Renton could hardly imagine.
He could, however, imagine what Meitchars might be tempted to do on Korpulund when he came face to face with any of the incompetents responsible for his condition. It was more important than ever that he re-join his Pandiloop colleagues as soon as he could. He needed to get to Midi-Tempa pretty damn quickly - and protect Meitchars from himself.
And although he did get to Midi-Tempa pretty damn quickly - with Boz and a now rather more approachable Madeleine - he very soon discovered that he was already too late to provide such a service. Meitchars had disappeared - and with no one's protection at all.
36.
Gleeze was sitting at the head of the boardroom table in what was normally Kanker's seat. It was framed by a large black door, which led directly into Kanker's private office. The leader's lair was just behind his throne, an arrangement he'd had installed himself, and one which Gleeze found quite intimidating - as was intended. But not so today. Today he was in the chair and it was his Council that was in session, his Council to control as he pleased. He took a deep breath and opened the proceedings with a short announcement. Its delivery was slow and solemn. 'Kanker has left us,' he intoned - and then he paused for effect. But Smegerill jumped in, apparently failing to notice either the solemnity of the tone or the dramatic hiatus.
'So what's new?' he drawled.
Then Wojjer joined in.
'Well, hang on a minute. He may have disappeared a few times - and especially just recently. But he doesn't often miss a Council meeting. At least, I don't think he does.'
'Disappeared a few times?' hooted Blobe. 'More like a few hundred times, if you ask me. He's always off on his friggin' travels these days. And when he's around he hardly does anything anyway…'
'Yes, I suppose you're right,' conceded Wojjer. 'And on both counts. He's not what you'd call very active these days, is he?'
Gleeze was genuinely taken aback. And then he was delighted. The fact that they'd all ignored the import of his grave announcement didn't matter. Not at all. Because what he'd witnessed instead was a groundswell of latent mutiny. He'd never heard anything like it before. And now in an open meeting. And even from Blobe. It was fantastic. These boys were really fed up with Kanker - fed up to their back teeth. And his scheme was going to work - without a doubt. He was going to get the control he wanted - after all this time…
But first he needed to regain control of this meeting. Just imagine if somebody else got there first!
'Gentlemen, gentlemen,' he interjected, 'may I please resume my announcement. I believe some of you may not have fully understood what I was saying.'
'So what's new?' drawled Smegerill for a second time. And then he sniggered.
'Shut up,' snapped Vorskyn. 'Let's hear what Gleeze has to say. It might be interesting. Let him go on.'
In response to such assistance, Gleeze would normally have grinned a greasy grin at Vorskyn and then thanked him elaborately and effusively. But he did neither. He simply nodded at Vorskyn with a stony expression on his face. The effect was remarkable. Straightaway, everybody clearly understood something unusual was about to happen - and that they needed to listen to learn what it was. Gleeze had the undivided attention of them all - something that in itself was highly unusual.
'As I said,' he continued, 'Kanker has left us. He has disappeared on a, quote "secret and urgent assignment" unquote. As Blobe has already observed, not the first time our Senior Knight has… errh, abandoned us in this way…'
At this point Wojjer's jaw dropped open.
'He has, in my mind, gentlemen, chosen to abandon the entire League. He cannot, therefore, be allowed to remain its Senior Knight…'
Wojjer's jaw dropped even further.
'We cannot wait until the end of his tenancy. Which, if I may remind you, has two full years to run before the next election. Nor can we afford to indulge ourselves in any of the niceties of impeachment proceedings. Our beloved Senior Knight would undoubtedly frustrate such a process. It would be futile.
'We are therefore left with just one course of action. And we must commit ourselves to this action immediately - while the Senior Knight is still away on his so-called secret and urgent business.'
'My God, Gleeze,' interrupted Blobe, 'what are you suggesting?'
'I'm suggesting,' responded Gleeze, not looking at Blobe, but at a spot on the boardroom's far wall, 'that we adopt a new Senior Knight at this meeting. And as his first task, he embarks on a crusade against the evil of Grader.
'As some of you will know, we have our friends from the Pandiloop office with us here on Korpulund. And they, I believe, will make a first rate band of crusaders. They should be used and not abused - which was Kanker's intention, and indeed the very purpose of this meeting. He'd called it so we could deal with them in a way that suited him - while he was still away elsewhere.
'But I digress. He is already a nobody. We must proceed with the business in hand. A new leader for a new League, one who will be christened by the demise of Grader, a little chore that the previous Senior Knight never quite got round to.'
Gleeze paused. He was still looking at that spot on the far wall of the room. And he was waiting for the inevitable question. It came quickly - from Wojjer.
'Who's this new leader, then? I mean, if we're having a new leader. You know, if everybody thinks we should. I mean… I mean… But I don't mean…'
Wojjer's ability to come to a halt was on a par with his eloquence, and Gleeze had to provide the necessary full stop. His eyes moved from the far wall to the ceiling of the room as he did so. 'I declare myself the new Senior Knight,' he intoned slowly.
It was as though the Council meeting was a holo-film and the sound track had just failed. There was complete silence in the room, not a murmur for a full ten seconds. Then Smege
rill spoke.
'I think you need to work on the projection a bit more. If you want to make a career in pantomime, you do need to be heard… you know, above all the catcalls and boos. It's no good getting yourself submerged in all that noise. I mean, it ruins the whole thing…'
Blobe's face lit up like a lantern and then he spluttered into laughter. And then his laughter became uncontrollable - and accompanied. The whole League Council had collapsed into a fit of the giggles on a giant scale. All its members were whooping and hooping at will, all of them that is other than Vorskyn and Gleeze. Neither of them, it seemed, had found anything funny in Smegerill's rudeness. And Gleeze had certainly found nothing encouraging in it. He now felt dismally despondent and deeply dejected.
'Cheer up,' shouted Smegerill above the laughter. 'I was only joking, you know - to relieve the tension an' all. You mustn't take me seriously. It wasn't meant that way. Really'
Gleeze looked at him. Maybe after all…
'I mean,' continued Smegerill, 'there's nothing wrong with your projection at all. It doesn't need a thing doing to it. Honestly. Heck, you're ready for panto now. In fact, I'd say you're a natural for it. You always have been.'
A new wave of laughter washed around the boardroom table as Smegerill sat gloating and Gleeze sat choking. Then Blobe spoke.
'Hey, shall we have a leaving-do for Kanker - and present him with something? What do you think, Gleeze? What do you think he'd like - apart from your pecker on a plate?'
'Grader's pecker on a plate,' interrupted Smegerill. 'Remember - ole Gleeze's crusaders will have him in a few days, won't they? And then we can give him his pecker as well - and any other bits of him he wants. And he'll be highly delighted, I'm sure.'
'Yeah, but who's going to tell him he's retired?' enquired an impish looking Blobe. 'You know, you can hardly invite him to his leaving-do before he knows he's leaving. It just wouldn't be proper, would it?'
'The host, of course,' answered Smegerill. 'Who else? The new Senior Knight. He'll have to tell him.'
'Ooh, sounds like you Gleeze,' chirped Wojjer. 'You'll have to do it…'
'Hang on,' said Blobe. 'Who says Gleeze has got the job? What if I announce that I'm the new Senior Knight? What then? Hey, wait a minute, I think I'll do that. Yes, I think I will. So here goes. I pronounce myself the new Senior Knight. And Wojjer, you may now kiss the bride.'
'Congratulations, Blobe,' chuckled Smegerill. 'You're just the man for the job. However, I have to say that although I think you've done the League really proud, it's about time you moved over - and let a new man come in. So I declare myself Senior Knight. Oh, and by the way, all ex-Senior Knights have to retire immediately. So, if you and Gleeze wouldn't mind leaving…'
'I don't know who's the most stupid,' interrupted Vorskyn. 'I think you've all lost your marbles - if you had any in the first place. And you, Gleeze… well, I'm amazed. What the hell were you thinking of? And what the hell do you think's going to happen to you now?'
Gleeze felt like a child. He was beginning to realise just how stupid he'd been. Staging a coup was all about leading a rebellion. And how could you do that if you didn't have any rebels, if you had nobody on your side at the outset? It was hopeless.
'I know what's going to happen to him!' announced Smegerill. 'Kanker's going to come back and have his bollocks for his breakfast. And I'm afraid our dearly beloved chairman will then have to try and act pompous with just a high-pitched, girlie-sounding voice.'
'Oh, and what about your bollocks?' challenged Vorskyn. 'I seem to remember that you're the one holding the position of Senior Knight at the moment. And then there's Blobe. He declared himself Senior Knight as well.'
'What?' shrieked Blobe. 'You're kidding. You must be. You saw what happened. I was only joking.'
'Yeah, and you watch it, Vorskyn,' growled Smegerill. 'Or Blobe and me might just remember that it was you who declared himself Senior Knight. Then you'd be the one in the shit.'
'I don't remember that,' said Wojjer. 'When did you do that, Vorskyn? Was it after Smegerill…'
'Oh shut up, you idiot,' snapped Vorskyn, 'you bloody imbecile…'
'Well really!'
'Yes really. You're a cretin, Wojjer. A full-blown, champion dickhead. And don't you forget it.'
'Well, I ought to…'
'Ought to what? Donate yourself to science? They wouldn't want you. You're a throwback. And a pity they didn't when they first fished you out…'
'You horrible…'
'Hey, who's keeping the minutes?' shouted Blobe. 'I wouldn't want to lose any of this. It's classic. The cut and thrust of incisive debate at its best. Bloody brilliant.'
'Mind your lip, Blobe,' snarled Vorskyn. 'Just remember who might really be the next Senior Knight. I'd be a damn sight more careful if I were you.'
'Oooh, get you,' squeaked Blobe. 'And since when have you been the appointed one? You're beginning to sound just like our chairman here: somewhere between daft and demented. You shouldn't take yourself so seriously, you know. Nobody else does.'
'Blobe's right,' added Smegerill. 'The only way you'll ever make Senior Knight is to get Grader to help you. If he can kill off every other knight in the universe, you might just stand a chance. But if we're talking about a regular sort of election, you haven't got a hope. There isn't a knight in his right mind who'd vote for you. Shit, Wojjer'd do better than you.'
'Do you really think so?' beamed Wojjer. 'Do you think I would?'
'Yeah, no problem, Wojjer. Hell, but forget about an election. Why not just go the declaration route? Everybody else has. Only if you do it, it'll probably stick - on account of you being such a popular bloke. And then Gleeze can wind up the meeting and we can all go home. That's assuming, of course, Gleeze hasn't got any other harebrained items on the agenda. We're not going to decide who's going to be the next Miss Universe, are we, Gleeze, and then celebrate her reign with a crusade against cellulite? Or maybe we are…'
Gleeze ignored Smegerill. He was in a state of semi shock and little of what was going on around him was finding its way through. It was left for Vorskyn to reply on his behalf.
'We'll reconvene later - when I've found out what Kanker wanted us to do with these guys from Pandiloop. I'll try and get some sense out of Gleeze when he's feeling a little more talkative. Meanwhile I suggest we all disappear and forget that this meeting ever took place. If Kanker gets to hear about it we'll all be in trouble, every one of us. And you know he has ears everywhere.
'So, let's say two hours and then back here for the Pandiloop business - when I've found out what it is. And let's hope we've sorted it out before Kanker gets back. He'll hardly thank us for ditching his own agenda. Remember it was him that called this meeting in the first place.'
'Frightened he'll pop out the woodwork?' smirked Smegerill. 'Frightened he'll get…'
And then Smegerill's tease dried in his throat, and his eyes became fixed in a stare. His attention had been caught by a movement behind Gleeze. It was the door into Kanker's office, the office that only Kanker occupied and that nobody visited without an invitation from the leader.
The door was opening. Somebody was about to join them. A latecomer to the meeting.
Then he was there, standing at Gleeze's shoulder.
And Wojjer's jaw dropped open again - wider than ever before.
37.
The entire Council looked dumbfounded - all that is except Gleeze. He appeared oblivious of anything. Shock, it seemed, had closed down his senses.
Meitchars was amused. His strange appearance had made him used to people's stares; he now expected them. But this was entirely different. It wasn't what he looked like that was holding their attention, it was that he was with them at all - and here in this boardroom. They were not seeing him, they were seeing only his intrusion. And they were certainly not seeing a small box he carried under his arm…
He smiled gently at them and nodded. Nothing happened. They continued to stare. They didn't seem able to cope.
He would have to help them. Some breaking of the ice was called for. And he would choose Vorskyn. Yes, he would do nicely.
'Hello, Vorskyn,' he said quietly. 'I seem to have disturbed something. I hadn't realised there was a meeting going on.'
'Meitchars!' coughed Vorskyn. 'What the hell are you doing in here? And what were you doing next door? Don't you know that that's Kanker's office in there? Just what are you up to?'
'I was looking for Kanker,' replied Meitchars calmly. 'I thought his office would be a good place to start. But he's not there. So I came in here.'
'Was he expecting you?' snarled Smegerill, who like most of his colleagues had now snapped out of his trance.
'No. I wanted to surprise him.'
'Surprise him?' exclaimed Smegerill. 'Surprise him? You must be bloody space-happy. Don't you know he doesn't like surprises? And don't you know you need an appointment to see him? You can't just walk into his office. It just isn't allowed.'
'Oh, I didn't know that,' said Meitchars meekly.
'Well, you bloody well should have,' snapped Smegerill. 'And in case you're in any doubt as to where you are at the moment, you're in the League boardroom. And you've just managed to interrupt a meeting of the Council. You just shouldn't be here. Understand?'
'Oh,' said Meitchars, more meekly than ever, 'I'm very sorry. I really am. I'll…'
'Wait a minute,' interrupted Vorskyn. 'What did you want to see Kanker about? What are you here for?'
'Well, I have some news for him. And I wanted to see him - to tell him.'
'What news?'
'Well, I don't mean to be rude, but it's the sort of news that really Kanker should hear first. It's… errh, well you know, it's very important news. And…'
'Kanker's not here,' interrupted Blobe. 'And we don't know when he'll be back. So if it's that important, you'd better tell us. Now.'
'I'm not sure…' started Meitchars hesitantly.
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