by Blythe Stone
It wasn’t something you understood unless you were going through it. I was normal in one moment and then in the next I was a mess. It wasn’t one time. There were a thousand different times that I could have made a scene like that but my anxiety about appearing normal prevented me from giving in.
I clung to Olivia, the only safety I knew, and hoped that things would get better. I’d ignored them for so long that it seemed impossible. I liked when we did silly little couply things and when we were light and silly together. We were hardly apart enough to text so today had been interesting.
I left as soon as the bell rang since I’d already spoken to coach earlier about not being at practice. I’d make it up later. When I made it to the car I put my phone on the charger so I wouldn’t be left without my only way to talk to her.
Avery: I’m leaving. How is the thing with your mom?
Olivia: My secret’s out ;) My mom keeps talking about you and how cute you are.
Avery: How does it feel to be out and proud? P.S. Your mom loves me…
Olivia: Oh God… I can't even think of it like that (being OUT)... Is that weird?
Olivia: Also, yes. My mother is quite taken. She's practically gushing. And Roberta keeps holding my hand and squeezing it. She loves that you're wearing the ring.
Avery: I don’t know what weird is anymore. No one knew either of us wasn’t straight until we were suddenly engaged.
Avery: Did you show her yours? It pales in comparison.
Olivia: Oh! Of course I did! Roberta was gushing about it. And that's bullshit, baby... Sentimental value will always trump a price tag. I wish you wouldn't say these things :( *pouts*
She was cute. I could see her sitting there uncomfortable as Liz talked about us and told her friend all about how we met and what we were going to do, forgetting that one of the people she was telling the life story of was sitting right beside her.
It made me want to make her something really special so she could forget about all of that. I left the lot and drove along until I turned onto the main highway. There were a couple of grocery stores along here but my favorite was the furthest one away. They had better selection and better produce, something I’d never appreciated enough until Olivia.
She got me to eat things I could never imagine myself liking but with her I’d try anything. It took about twenty minutes to get there but I pulled into the market and parked, grabbing my phone and reading her text while I was walking in.
Avery: No pouting. Your pouty face makes me do things I previously said no to doing. It’s dangerous and should be used sparingly. I’m at the market across town since I had time to come all the way out here.
Olivia: “Market across town.” You're adorable. You’re like an old woman. Did you use a horse and buggy?
Avery: Yes, I have a black horse named Honda Civic.
Olivia: How generic… You should love your horse a little more.
Avery: Now you’re just being silly. How can I love my horse more when I save all my love for you? You need to think about these things, Vi.
Olivia: You know I can't take that much love…
Avery: Sorry, should I stop? Just kidding. That’s impossible. You’re way too easy to love.
Olivia: Never stop...
The front of the store was made up of this tall set of glass windows and doors from the top of the building to the bottom so it had an open, airy feel when you entered the store. I took one of the smaller carts and went through the automatic doors and through to the store.
It dumped me out right in the deli section and I considered getting some sandwich meat for lunch this week but the line looked too long. I grabbed some cookies off a display. Sometimes I didn’t even know what I was doing, just reaching out and grabbing.
I thought of how I’d feel after I ate them and reached back into the cart to lift them out, sticking them back on the table I’d found them on. I’d felt better after eating more vegetables and a better variety of food. Funny how you really noticed the difference only after you had felt like crap for years.
I passed up the rest of the desserts and went through to the produce section. It was better here, fresher. Could have been the water that hit me as the sprinklers came on though. We needed carrots and definitely some blueberries. I’d had berry cravings ever since last night.
I was looking at the oranges, picking one up and squeezing it before I turned to put it back. It slipped, falling towards the floor but before it hit, a hand shot out to catch it. My eye went from the hand to the face. It was Natalie.
“Hmmm,” she said, looking down at the fruit in her hand and squeezing it a bit before handing it back. “Gotta admit, you’re probably the last person I thought I would find right here.” Her eye contact, per usual, was shockingly intense. “Berries… Nice,” she nodded, a blush coming over her. Her lips always looked so moist and her makeup was always model perfect. “Those are for her, right? Is she here?” She looked around, fixing her hair and touching my arm absentmindedly.
“No, she’s with her mom.” I swallowed. She was still as beautiful as she was the last time I saw her. Okay, more so. “Why wouldn’t you expect to find me here?”
“Oh,” she deflated a little but also calmed now that she knew Olivia hadn’t come with me. “Well,” she checked me out a bit. “That's a shame. It's nice to see you though… Your hot body at least.” She was always teasing. “And, come on. Be honest. Since when do you come here? I'm here like every day. My gym’s across the street. I've never once seen you in here.”
She was in workout clothes but she looked insanely hot. The tight spandex hugged her body.
“Um, thanks?” I looked down at my jeans and hoodie. How she could tell anything about my body, I didn't know. “I usually go to the place closer to home but I had time so I came over here. And, Uh… You look good too.”
“Ha! Believe me, I know,” she said, amused. “Uh-oh, though,” she reached around me to grab an orange and be intrusive. I felt her breasts press into my back as she smiled and braced herself against me with her opposite arm, nearly trapping me up against the fruit. It was definitely a bit sexual. “Trouble in paradise?” She asked in a low tone right near my ear. She smelt amazing. Like she’d come from a photoshoot and not a workout. Like I hated it.
I cleared my throat and stepped to the side. “What do you mean? Why would there be trouble?” I knew she and Olivia still texted from time to time. She might know something I didn’t.
“Come on,” she said, a knowing expression on her face. “You had time?” She raised her eyebrows, seeing right through me. “What’s going on? Just tell me. I know her. I’m the perfect person to help.”
She stared at me a second before scoffing and fixing her hair. The smell was legitimately intoxicating. It was so strange.
“Okay, fine, I get it. Not even friend material. Nice,” she turned around to leave. I could tell I somehow hurt her feelings… A LOT.
“Hey, that’s not what I mean. You just took me by surprise.”
I caught up with her and sighed. She wasn’t any better at this kind of thing than I was.
“There’s nothing wrong. She just left school early since she didn’t have any real classes and I had to stay and now she’s out with her mom and I just came to pick up some things to make her dinner. I didn’t…”
“Hey, I know,” I switched gears, excited. “You wanna freak her out?”
“What?!” Nat laughed, surprised by the question and change. Just the suggestion made her happy though.
“She doesn’t know we ran into one another and she asked me to send her selfies earlier. We should send her one with the both of us. Can’t you see her face?”
I smiled, nudging Natalie’s shoulder.
“Okay,” she laughed again, seeing me and liking me. “You’re right, that sounds delicious. She’ll probably freeze and have an involuntary orgasm right on the spot.” Nat linked her arm with mine, pulled me over to the light and waited.
I got
my phone and put it in camera mode, holding it aloft and making a silly face.
At the last minute Nat surprised me by turning her head and using a hand at my chin to pull my face into her lips as she kissed my cheek and smiled for the camera. I even felt her tongue touch down through softly parted lips.
The photo took and I couldn’t stop myself from laughing while I looked at it. “I didn’t know you were so delightfully evil.”
I really wanted to put my hand up to my cheek and wipe at it. It seemed strange to have anyone but Olivia kiss me there like that but I knew it would be rude so I didn’t.
I just sent the photo and stuffed my phone in my pocket, turning to Natalie. “So, how have you been?”
She was easier to talk to now. I still didn’t know what to expect from her but it was almost nice to speak to someone who knew Olivia in a similarly intimate way.
“Hey,” she said, completely ignoring my question. “Can I buy you a bubble tea or something? I kinda want to have a conversation that lasts a bit more than three seconds. And now sort of seems the perfect time. I mean, unless that’s too weird for you in which… We totally don’t have to. I’m just worried about her and I don’t feel right intruding on her life and asking her how she is. She’d just lie anyway. Plus…” She paused. I saw a bit of stern acceptance there. “You’re together now,” she met my eyes and I saw trust in her. “I know I haven’t seemed the most upstanding person,” she laughed, sort of hating that. “But I really do want to respect that. And her. And you.” She went on. “If you make her happy I’m all for you two, really. I’m just kind of curious about a few things. There’s some unresolved stuff...” When she stopped and ran her fingers through her hair, flipping it over, I was surprised. She’d said a lot of things and her sentence just sort of ended where it did.
I paused on accident.
“If it’s too weird, I get it,” she said, feeling bad for even suggesting a talk.
“No, it’s not too weird,” I promised, holding up a hand. “It’s totally cool. I just got stuck on the unresolved stuff. Consider my interest piqued. Let’s go.”
There was a place in the same shopping center as the market. A little shop down the strip. I put my cart up and we walked down, quiet for awhile. I really was interested to hear what she had to say.
We got in and ordered, picking up our drinks and finding a table at the far side of the room. “So, what did you want to talk about?” I asked.
Olivia sent a snap of her confused and flustered face with the words: Ummm?! Written in bright pink frantic handwriting in the corner of the screen. Her cheeks were red with blush and I had to wonder if she was angry or jealous or what.
I laughed, not meaning to freak Natalie out but I swiveled the phone around so she could see the snap before it disappeared.
Nat froze a little but eventually she smiled and let out a small breath. I think seeing Olivia might’ve hurt her.
I pulled my phone down and felt a little guilty. When I looked back up at her again she seemed back to normal
“I’m… Just curious,” Natalie said, taking a sip from her straw and looking up at me a bit seductive and a bit childish. “What’s it like? A real relationship? She was always so against it with me, I sort of feel like trash across from you.” She wasn’t joking. I saw her mood fall a bit at the admission.
“A real relationship with Olivia? Well…” I didn’t want to make her feel worse or anything. “And you’re not trash. I’m not that special, believe me.”
“Hey, don’t say that,” she cut me off. “You’re obviously special. She chose you.”
“It just happens. People fall in love with someone for a multitude of reasons. I get it. It still sucks and I’m sorry you had to go through feeling like that.”
“I’m not obsessed with that, that’s just the way it works,” she said sort of agitated. “I didn’t ask you out so I could cry and have a pity party. That’s not me. I want to know what she’s like, really like?”
“She’s crazy, awesome, smart, difficult, easy to love and she has this capability to make you so obsessed with her every move and facial expression. I like pissing her off sometimes because it’s hot and it’s easy to do. I’m a little evil that way.”
“Fuck,” Natalie smiled and leaned back on the booth. My words pleased her or better reminded her of all the things she loved about Olivia. “I miss that.”
“Yeah.” I smiled and bit my lip, looking over at her. “I’d miss it too. She’s also so giving though. It’s insane how much she thinks about me rather than herself. I hate it sometimes because she puts me first and I want to put her first but it’s impossible. She’s way too hard on herself.”
Natalie let out a sort of bitter gasp and leaned forward again over the table, bracing herself on her arms and looking down at her fingers while she played with her drink. “Yeah… She’s sort of stuck in her head. It’s hot as hell but it’s her biggest flaw.” She wasn’t looking at me now. I could tell she was thinking about things, having regrets and sadness, going over her complicated past. “With us it was always about her. I couldn’t really tell if that was my fault or not but I liked it. It was okay…” She swallowed sadly and her eyebrows sort of pushed in close but she was so pretty it was hard to really see her as upset. All her faces were beautiful. When she looked up though she sort of laughed and her eyes were glossy like she maybe was trying not to cry. “Is the sex okay?” She asked worried. “Is she okay?”
That was it. The reason for the conversation. I could tell, that was the one question she really wanted to ask about.
“You don’t hurt her right?” She asked nervously. There wasn’t judgment there, just worry. “You know, she says she wants that but she doesn’t need it. She just thinks she wants it. It’s theatrics. It’s not…” She stopped herself. She had nervous energy, I hadn’t seen her like this. I could feel her leg shaking beneath the table. She sniffed. “Shit, I’m sorry… I’m a mess.” She wiped a few tears from her eyes and pushed her hair back as she tried to gather herself up. She crossed her arms and accidentally framed her breasts, pushing them together.
“No, it’s okay, really,” I said. “She doesn’t need it but she likes it sometimes. It helps her get out of her head, like you said. I never go full strength on her. That would kill her. She likes it best when it’s not like that though, when I see her.”
“Isn’t it sad that she doesn’t know?” Natalie looked up at me so pained.
“It is a little. I just always want her to feel better. You know, some things you just don’t tell people. She’s too sensitive to really like pain.” I sighed and wished I didn’t know that truth too well.
“I’ve never been… I’ve never done those types of things with other people but I’ve had…” Natalie breathed in sort of harshly. “Olivia doesn’t know but I’ve had bad things happen to me. I’ve had to let certain people touch me. She doesn’t know. And I don’t want you to tell her but I just know. I know she doesn’t know. She just wants to feel like someone sees her, she wants to know things are about her, that someone is with her. And when things happen like that, when it’s intense she really knows. Fuck, I am saying this all wrong. I just… I wanted to make sure you weren’t bad. Not that I thought that,” she covered guiltily. “I never really thought that, really. You’re sweet. A lot sweeter than me. And I want that to be true.”
“I’m the little knight,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I understand.”
She laughed. “Hey! That was a compliment,” she laughed through confused tears.
I handed her a napkin and nibbled at my lips. Natalie really had been hurt. I could see it in the way she tried to hide the look in her eyes.
“I’m sorry bad things have happened to you. I know what that’s like. Really. I do. Bad things have happened to me too. Stuff you’ll probably read about in the paper before too long, but I wouldn’t, couldn’t, hurt her. You’re right. She just needs to be seen and I love giving her that. I promise you. I’m not bad…
Or at least not bad for Olivia.”
My confession sobered her instantly. She looked at me differently. It wasn’t bad but it was serious. It was like she was looking and seeing that I was, like her, similar. “If that’s really true I’m sorry,” she said. “And if you ever want to talk about it…” Her voice trailed off. I watched her dab her eyes with a napkin. “I’m glad it’s you,” she said, looking up. “I wasn’t good enough. I know I wasn’t. I let her push me too hard. I think I just thought eventually she’d want to push me back. But that didn’t happen. Anyway, I don’t think you’ll do that.”
“Hey,” I said, reaching across to grab her hand. “Same goes for you. If you ever want to talk I’m here.” I squeezed her hand and frowned. “It’s not about good enough. It’s just about the weird variables and timing that bring two people together. You’re good enough for anyone.”
