Paper Dolls [Book Five]

by Blythe Stone

  “It makes sense to me, baby,” Olivia said. “Why should you have trusted me? You were very smart and rational to be skeptical. I was just this odd girl who just sort of swept into your life and demanded to be a part of it. And I know I was anxious and quiet and bossy and strange. Overly honest. There’s a reason people don’t usually try and interact with me without reason. And, honestly, I wasn’t longing for that or expecting anyone to astound me like you did. I wasn’t waiting on it or hoping for it. With Nat it just happened and with you I couldn’t just let you slip from my hands because of some lapse of judgement on my part… Life just happens… Sometimes you know what you want. With you, I knew.”

  “That’s it though,” I said. “I did trust you I just didn’t get what that meant to me. You had no reason to trust me either. Some people wouldn’t have after they found out what I’d been doing with Ben.”

  “I had every reason to trust you, baby,” Olivia explained. “You weren’t a threat to me. You were honest. You gave me time. I wasn’t giving you any secrets to keep. If anything I was the asshole keeping a secret from you. Knowing about Ben did nothing but make me want to talk to you more. After overhearing one conversation I knew you deserved so much better… It hurt me, overhearing how he was with you. It made me hate him and that was long before I knew the full extent of things. And at the time he was really my friend. Do you not see what that means?”

  “It was a lot. I still can’t believe you heard all of that. He was a dick sometimes but sweet other times. Finding all of that out had to kill you. It’s hard enough to trust people but he used you too. Assigning you to do that story and then just sitting back and waiting to see. He could have been wrong though.”

  “Please don’t defend him for me…” Olivia asked. “Finding out what he did to you? Yes. Yes that killed me. But not because I’d been blind. Because you’d been hurt and I could’ve stopped it if I had been any more aware. The second I got even a taste of awareness I was on him, on you.”

  I really wished I could take what she said, what we were talking about, and turn it around to change the subject but we were finally talking about this without any freak outs.

  “Sometimes I feel guilty for him being in jail but I know it’s just human to feel that way. It still messes with me. It’s hard to feel safe and I know I could easily have just drowned myself in something, an addiction or sleeping around. Instead, you were there.”

  “You could’ve had a relationship with someone like Nat,” Olivia said. “Instead of Ben, I mean. You were just unlucky. You accidentally attracted the wrong brand of sick.”

  “Yeah, I tend to wish it had been someone less sick. Everything in my life is changed. At least I wasn’t innocent before. I had less of a height to fall from.”

  “You mean, sexually?”

  “Yeah. My experience with guys wasn’t exactly good anyway. Well, most of it. There was a bright spot and then there was Daisy.” I rolled my eyes and put my hand over my face.

  “I don’t think you ever would’ve kissed me,” Olivia said, randomly. Her mind off somewhere else.

  “Why?” I scoffed.

  I knew I would have. There would have been a moment in which I would have realized the possibility that I wasn’t meant to die alone. Something I’d come to accept up to a point.

  “How long would you have needed?” She asked. “What if I hadn’t kissed you at the piano? What if we roomed together but I never told you, never said...”

  “First, I would have flirted with you some and tried to feel it out. I don’t usually pursue people so it would be new to me. I would have made some kind of move before we left. It would’ve been hard sleeping that close to you and not having done anything. If I hadn’t been attracted to you from the first, at least in the back of my head, then I wouldn’t have gone to dinner with you and I wouldn’t have requested you as a roommate.”

  “To be fair, I’d already kissed you by that point,” Olivia said.

  My fingers moved against hers. “If I’d kissed you first what would you have done?”

  “I would’ve been so ready,” she said. “Even if it had been that very first day. If you’d kissed me I would’ve known it was right, what I wanted. If you kissed me at the pool when I ran? That would probably have been the only time I would’ve been really confused or scared. It only took me about fifteen minutes after that to understand that what I felt for you was definitely attraction and care.”

  “Aww, I think I would like to feel that, but I’m just glad you kissed me at all.”

  I bit the inside of my lip and wondered how I would have done it. Would it have been standing up or sitting down? Would I have slipped her hair behind her ear before? It was a thrilling thought.

  “So, have you ever had a crush on anyone else at school?” I asked.

  “I’ve found a few people attractive and interesting, a bit pleasing to look at, but no I’ve never felt the need to pursue anyone and I’ve turned a lot of people down point-blank. As far as Huntington goes I’ve really only found interest in those quite out of reach. Why? Have you?”

  “Same. Physical attraction but not much else. And what do you mean out of reach?”

  “Adults,” she said simply. “I mostly only converse one-on-one with the teachers. At least, I’m usually only interested or enlightened in those conversations. There are a few exceptions but attraction doesn’t really come into play in those… I can find people attractive and not be physically attracted to them. Physical attraction isn’t really common for me. There’s a big difference for me between thinking someone is pretty and wanting someone to touch me. I don’t often find myself wanting someone to touch me. I guess we never really talked about that... A few teachers at Huntington have interested me though- I guess- but I would never act on something like that. I just couldn’t. Have you had Miss Skya before?”

  “Yes. Last year actually. You were into her?” I pushed her with my body a little and laughed.

  “Have you ever talked to her alone? About her family or where she comes from? I’ve had several talks with her that have just sort of cleared my head completely. She’s sort of magical… Intimate… Intimacy attracts me. Feeling wanted by someone I’m interested in intellectually. It’s odd I guess… Like a formula.”

  “No, I don’t really talk a lot in class or stick around after class. I admit that she’s interesting though and pretty. I kind of had a thing for the track coach sophomore year though. Not the one we have now. The one before.”

  “I think I just find it easier to be honest with people who are either younger or older than me. And that pretty much changes everything about how I am with people my own age. With you I didn’t feel any barrier. Most of the other students at Huntington make me feel like an outsider somehow. Even your friends… Even after I’ve been hanging out with them for months. I still don’t feel comfortable around them. It’s still me trying which is something I wouldn’t normally do. It wouldn’t normally be worth it. I do it to be around you. I enjoy mutually beneficial, mutually enjoyable, relationships and for the most part I haven’t found much of that at Huntington. I’m the sort of person who would rather be alone, baby...”

  “I don’t blame you about the kids at school. I don’t even feel like any of those people are real friends anyway. I thought Skylar was. So, I’m glad you found someone, teachers or adults. Whoever.”

  “I don’t need people,” Olivia said. “I want you. That’s pretty much it.”

  “Skylar is your friend though…” Olivia added. “It’s not like she just hung out with you the whole time because she wanted to sneak her way into your pants. That’s really reductive and wrong if you think of her that way.”

  I shrugged and stared at the TV perturbed. I didn’t want to explain myself. The whole Skylar thing still had me a little unhappy. I got it but the feelings still stung.

  “Sorry,” Olivia said, sensing my upset. “We don’t have to talk about anything. I don’t know why we’re talking,” she sighed.
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  And now I felt like shit again. There was nothing I could do that was right. I constantly felt like I was stepping on mines.

  “I just don’t make friends and now nothing was what I thought it was,” I said. “I’ve never had a real friendship that didn’t start out with or involve sex and romantic feelings at some point.”

  “You’re saying this to the girl who only felt it enjoyable to make friends with a genuine psychopath, Avery Lockhart…”

  “What about the other teachers you’ve talked about and adults?”

  “There’s a big difference between an acquaintance and a good friend,” Olivia explained. “Those other people, I may have enjoyed them but I don’t think they enjoyed me quite as much and I definitely wouldn’t feel right saying I was their friend. Even with Nat, I made sure we weren’t friends. I never wanted to need people. If people could really interest me enough for me to want to pursue them in any way it surprised me. Even my mom thought of Ben as my friend.”

  “Neither of us let people in. That’s just how we were. I don’t even want friends anymore. I don’t care.”

  “I think I needed to be reminded that people could actually make me feel good, personally,” Olivia kept on. “Ever since meeting you I see a lot of people differently. I’m more open to being affected, more open to connecting. And that started before you, it started with Ben. Which is a nightmare now to think about but it’s true. Nat was a part of it too. But you really unlocked whatever it was in me that was broken. Ben might’ve found the key and stuck it in but you were the one to completely open the door and crawl inside with me and help me to come out.”

  “So, I helped you come out of the closet?”

  “I didn’t mean that, you jerk,” she pulled me into her and punched my shoulder with her free hand.

  “No, but it’s kind of true,” I asserted.

  “Me wanting to be with anyone and admitting it was coming out and changing,” she didn’t like when I tried to compartmentalize something huge. “But sure if you want to think this is somehow just about how deliciously female you are, go ahead.”

  “I know what you’re trying to say. I’m just being an asshole. It’s part of my genetic makeup.”

  “You’re filled with excuses,” Olivia said.

  “I’m filled with a lot of things,” I mumbled.

  Right now I was feeling about a thousand different emotions. Mostly, I was feeling petulant and that had nothing to do with her. It was just my inability to think I was worth a damn at times. It set me back. I had to stop myself from thinking that I could have been anyone. The circumstances were just right. What if another girl had been the one that Ben was doing these things to and he put Olivia in her path? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

  Olivia turned in my arms to face me. “Yes, I see. You have many organs and muscles and bones.” She ran her hands along the top part of my body in different places. “Are you okay?” She asked. She knew I wasn’t. I could hear it in her tone. “Do you want to swim or something? You can. I’ll even go sit and watch. I don’t mind.”

  “I want to turn my brain off,” I sighed. “Yeah, okay. I guess swimming or running are as close as I can get to scrambling the signals up there.”

  “Okay,” she nodded, leaning in and giving me a very patient kiss. I felt her hands on my stomach, pushing kindly.

  I closed my eyes and let my face fall with emotional exhaustion, but I got up quickly and went to the bedroom, finding my suit in the closet and changing. I was done with trying for the day. The energy to feel anything other than the crazy negative things was waning.

  I walked back through the living room and stopped at the doors leading to the pool. She got up and met me there, putting her hand on my lower back. I pushed the doors open and went out, not bothering to wait. I just dove in and swam. Up and down, lap after lap until I burned.

  I let myself almost run out of breath to feel my nervous system start to alarm. Then, I’d take one and go on. I stopped after awhile, treading water and then swimming to the side of the pool where she was sitting.

  I was breathing hard and looking up. “Why do you like watching me?”

  “I like being close to you,” she said. “It actually calms me to watch you when you’re alone. I don’t have to though. I can go back in if you want.”

  “No, I just wanted to ask. It’s dumb but I still don’t get it sometimes. I feel like such a wreck and some people seem to want me anyway. I’m afraid to let anyone down. I mean anyone. I feel guilty for everything. I don’t even know why I’m telling you. You don’t need this. It’s rude.”

  “Hey,” she said, getting up sort of bothered and coming closer to put her feet in the pool and be closer to me. “You’re my person,” she said. “You can tell me anything. I want you to tell me things. Of course I need you,” she touched her hand to mine and rubbed it with her thumb while she looked down on me.

  “It’s hard not to feel like people have wanted one thing from me and it wasn’t because of who I was inside. It was because of the image they projected on me or what I let them do. Even Skylar had expectations of some sort. But I feel like I’m not holding up my end if I’m not what they want and then they go away. I’m still afraid that my parents are going to bolt eventually.”

  “Sometimes people get caught up,” Olivia said. “Your parents have so much regret. Losing Adam made them lose sight of you. They weren’t capable of seeing what they were doing to you. It’s no excuse but it’s true. And Skylar… I hesitate to even talk about that but she obviously fell in love with you Avery, not some projection of you. I don’t see her as a person who’s trying to leave after knowing she can’t have you. She still wants to be in your life. And what does all this say about me? Are you just living here and waiting for me to get bored and kick you out? Do you really think I could even just change my mind like that? I hope you know I’m not that fucking shallow.”

  “God, it’s not about that and I wasn’t even talking about you.” I crossed my arms on the concrete and put my chin on them. “I’m just not ready to deal with Skylar right now. I don’t know what she saw or didn’t see.”

  “Baby, you keep bringing these things up,” Olivia said, trying not to get frustrated. “I don’t want to push you to talk about things but you keep bringing things up so I’m talking.”

  “Yeah but I wasn’t saying you were going to do anything like that.”

  “And I’m not saying I really think you thought that,” she explained. “You posed a thought. I posed a counter-thought. I’m sorry, baby but things you say are going to affect me. They’re going to affect the way I think. I can’t be a drone. And I wasn’t even focusing on that last bit. You were. I was focusing on Skylar because you keep bringing her up. I’m trying to focus on everything, all the things we’ve been talking about since you got home. All your thoughts interest me.”

  “That’s not why I was upset,” I explained. “Talking about things is fine. I’m just feeling worthless and I don’t want to drag you down. It’s just fact. I’m not used to having anyone who is willing to care about how I feel but at the same time I care about how you feel so I’m stuck. I don’t want to make you feel like I don’t know that you’re not shallow and aren’t waiting around to kick me out while still telling you that I don’t feel worthy of anything.”

  None of it probably made sense and I should have just kept my mouth shut. We could have had a nice night. I now knew exactly what she meant when she said those kinds of things to me.

  “You’re worth everything to me,” Olivia said. “That’s all that matters… I just can’t tell sometimes if you’re talking about everything or just specific things. If you can feel that way about those people it scares me to think of how you feel about us deep down. Sometimes you don’t say the things you need to say. Sometimes you don’t know what’s going on in your own head so how am I supposed to know? But I know you’re worth everything to me and that’s all that matters. I just want to help in any way I can. Trying to figure out
how is sort of difficult… Sometimes you get us talking and I can tell I’ve upset you just by being honest and that’s hard. I came out here with you because I know you like me around baby… You’ve told me several times that I make you feel safe. It’s hard to tell what’s going to help and what’s going to hurt. I just love you and I want you to know that… Always...”

  It was hard to argue with any of that. She was good at making me feel like I wasn’t a complete loser.

  “I know. That’s why I don’t include you in those things. If I really thought you were going to just throw me away I wouldn’t be able to stay. I don’t. I know what we have. It just doesn’t stop me from feeling all the things that have been built into me. That’s how we both are. Always trying to help and not knowing what’s going to work and what won’t. I just don’t want you to watch me swim a million laps if it would help you to be doing something else. I love you more than anything and I’m sorry I’m broke.”