"What?" said Grandpa Po, a shocked expression on his face. "What are you talking about?"
Cryssa shrugged. "Nobody asked me if I wanted to be queen," she said. "Everybody just assumes I'll do it. What if I don't?"
Grandpa Po stared at her as if she had just turned into one of the Sharkites. "Cryssa," he said sharply. "You're the daughter of King Sho! It's up to you to follow in his footsteps and rule the Sylva and Kee!"
Cryssa put her bowl on the ground beside her. She had not been very hungry before, and now she had completely lost her appetite. "Maybe I just want to be a normal girl. Can't somebody else be queen?"
"The crown is passed down from royal parents to their children," said Grandpa Po. "It is our tradition."
"Then what were you going to do before I came along?" said Cryssa. "There were no more royal children, so who was going to be the next queen or king?"
Grandpa Po sighed and put down his bowl. "As acting leader, I would have chosen one. I would have picked the best qualified person I could find on the island."
"See?" said Cryssa. "You don't need me to be queen after all."
"I don't understand," said Grandpa Po. "I've never heard you talk like this before. Why don't you want to be queen all of a sudden?"
"I didn't say that I don't want to or I won't do it," said Cryssa. "I just...sometimes, I feel like I'm being pushed. Like everybody's pushing me to be what they want me to be."
"I didn't know you felt like that," said Grandpa Po. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
Cryssa hesitated, then took a breath and continued. "Because you push me harder than anyone," she said. "Sometimes, I think all you care about is getting me ready to be queen."
Grandpa Po was silent for a long moment. His brow furrowed as he stared into Cryssa's eyes, and she thought that he looked a little hurt.
Finally, he spoke. "I have an idea," he said evenly. "Why don't you take some time to figure out what you want to do about Seek? Take some time off."
"Time off?" said Cryssa. "From what?"
"From your lessons," said Grandpa Po. "From your training. No more getting ready to be queen for a while. No more pushing. What do you think?"
Cryssa loved the idea as soon as she heard him mention it. She had not imagined that such a thing was possible for a queen in training...but now that her grandpa had offered it, she knew without a doubt that it was just what she needed.
Even so, she was careful not to show just how happy the idea made her, just in case Grandpa Po changed his mind. "Maybe a break would be nice," she said.
Grandpa Po nodded. "We'll start now, then," he said. "Let's try it for a week. If you still need more time, we can extend it."
"All right," said Cryssa.
"But you still have to do your chores," said Grandpa Po, playfully wagging a finger at her. "Does that sound acceptable to you?"
"Yes, thank you, Grandpa Po," said Cryssa.
"All right, then," said Grandpa Po, clapping his hands. "Just one more thing."
"What's that?" said Cryssa.
Grandpa Po reached out and touched her shoulder. "If you want to talk any more about Seek or anything else, you know where to find me."
"I do," said Cryssa. "Thank you."
With that, Grandpa Po turned and scooped up his bowl of stew from the ground. "Believe it or not," he said, hoisting a spoonful toward his mouth, "I can be of help even though I'm old and frail and out of touch."
"I know," Cryssa said with a smile.
*****
Later that night, Cryssa lay on her mat in Grandpa Po's house and stared at the Kee pendant that hung on the wall at the foot of her sleeping spot.
She had gazed at the pendant on many a night, wondering when Grandpa Po would decide that she was an adult and could wear it. Sometimes, she had even taken it down when he wasn't around and tried it on to see if it made her feel any different, any more grown-up.
Tonight, however, she had no desire to put on the pendant. The black stone, carved in the shape of a leaping Kee, no longer appealed to her.
To wear it, she had to be an adult. Becoming an adult would take her one step closer to becoming queen...and she was no longer sure that she wanted to become queen at all.
At least Grandpa Po had given her some breathing room. The more she thought about taking a break from her queen lessons and training, the more she liked the idea. Maybe, after taking some time off, she would return to her training without feeling so pushed. Maybe, time was all she needed to solve the problem.
And maybe time was all she needed to solve her other problems, too.
If a break from being pushed made her feel better about training to become queen, maybe a break would help her resolve her mixed feelings about Bey and Seek. Maybe, if she put off making a decision about them, it would be easier for her to figure out what she wanted.
Even as she considered it, Cryssa felt relieved. That in itself convinced her more strongly of what she was going to do.
She would start by talking to Seek.
*****
Chapter Twenty-Seven
The next morning, after a sleepless night, Cryssa left the house and headed for the lagoon. She didn't wake Grandpa Po and didn't eat breakfast; she had spent the night thinking about what she was going to say to Seek, and she wanted to say it while the words were fresh in her mind.
When she got to the beach, she saw some Kee in the middle of the lagoon, and she swam out to them. Though Seek wasn't with them, Cryssa's Kee brother, Leed, was there. Leed said that he had not seen Seek that morning, but he agreed to find him and send him to meet Cryssa at their favorite cove.
When Cryssa swam to the cove, however, Seek was already there.
"Good morning," he said as he glided up to her. He moved more slowly than usual, and Cryssa thought that he sounded nervous.
Cryssa felt nervous herself. Though she had made up her mind and rehearsed what she was going to say, she felt uneasy now that she and Seek were face to face.
"Good morning," she said.
"No lessons today?" said Seek. "You're usually not here until later."
"I'm taking a break from lessons," said Cryssa. "Grandpa Po said I could."
Seek bobbed his head. "I can't stay," he said. "I still have to go on morning patrol with the other knights."
Cryssa managed a little smile. "I understand," she said. "Do you have a few minutes to talk?"
"Sure," said Seek. "Talk about what?"
Cryssa hesitated. This was turning out to be harder than she had expected. In her imagination the night before, the conversation had played out smoothly, free of doubt or awkwardness. Now, on the verge of it, she was second-guessing herself, afraid that what she had to say would hurt him.
But she knew that she had to do it. Taking a deep breath, she gathered her nerve and forced herself to keep going.
"About us," she said slowly. "About what you said yesterday."
Seek twitched his tail and watched her expectantly.
"What you said means a lot to me," she said. "I really care about you, too."
Seek said nothing. He floated motionlessly before her, waiting to hear the rest.
"I just need some time," said Cryssa. "I need to think about some things."
Finally, Seek opened his mouth and spoke. "You mean Bey?"
Cryssa's face flushed with embarrassment. In the conversation that she had imagined, Seek had not mentioned Bey.
"I just want to be sure how I feel," she said. "I want to be sure I'm doing the right thing."
"So you don't love me," said Seek.
"I didn't say that," said Cryssa.
"You love Bey more than me," said Seek.
"I didn't say that, either," said Cryssa. "All I said was that I need some time."
Seek waved his tail from side to side. "How much time?" he said.
"I don't know yet," said Cryssa.
"I see," said Seek, bobbing his head. He looked away from her, then back, then away again. "You're not sure. I un
derstand."
"I'm not saying I don't love you, Seek," said Cryssa. "I'm not saying that at all."
"I know," said Seek, and then he turned away from her. "I have to go now," he said, drifting in the direction of the main lagoon. "I have patrol."
"All right," said Cryssa. "I'll see you later."
"See you later," said Seek, and then he swam away.
As he left, Cryssa slumped. She knew that the talk had not gone well. The exchange had been strained and disappointing instead of relaxed and agreeable as in her imagination.
As she watched Seek's departing gray back gleaming in the morning sunlight, she was sorry that she had talked to him. She would regret it often in the weeks ahead, as she wondered where he had gone and went over and over the words that had driven him away.
For that was the day when Seek disappeared.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
"Cryssa," said Grandpa Po. "It's time to start your training again. Three weeks is a long enough break."
Sitting on the beach, Cryssa stared across the lagoon at the big gate in the rock wall. When Seek returned from wherever he had disappeared to, he would have to pass through that gate to reenter the lagoon.
If Seek returned. It had already been three months since he had vanished during a knight patrol of the open ocean beyond the wall...a knight patrol that he had joined right after his talk with Cryssa in the cove.
"I'm not ready," said Cryssa, brushing windblown strands of red hair from her face.
Standing beside her, leaning heavily on his cane, Po sighed with frustration. "You have a responsibility to your people," he said. "You cannot put it off forever."
"Then force me," Cryssa said coldly. "That's the only way you'll get me back in training right now."
Grandpa Po sighed again. He and Cryssa both knew that no one would force her to resume training. It might be the way that the Sharkites would handle the situation, but not the Sylva.
With some difficulty, Grandpa Po lowered himself to sit beside her on the sand. "How much longer are you going to wait for him?" he said.
"Until he comes back," said Cryssa. The sun was setting over the rock wall, casting the clouds in streamers of orange and pink that reflected in the still waters of the lagoon.
"What if he never comes back?" said Grandpa Po.
Cryssa didn't answer that question, though of course it was always in her mind. She couldn't help thinking that if Seek had been gone so long, something had happened to prevent him from returning to the island. Maybe something permanent.
It was a possibility that made her feel sick to her stomach. If, because of what she had said to him, Seek had put himself in harm's way, she would never forgive herself.
If, that is, she ever even found out what had happened to him.
"He'll come back," she said, though she hardly felt confident that what she said would come to pass. In the three weeks since Seek's disappearance, Kee and Sylva search parties had scoured the ocean far and wide without ever finding a trace of him. Even now, the search parties continued the hunt every day, though Cryssa could tell that they were becoming less hopeful all the time.
Seek had left no clues to where he was going. He had told no one of his plans to leave. While on patrol with the Kee knights in the nearby sea, he had simply slipped away into the depths without warning or explanation. Because he was curious and independent and often went off on his own like that to explore, none of the other knights had thought to follow or try to stop him. Only Cryssa had had any insight at all into his reasons for leaving, and that wasn't nearly enough to help find him.
"Don't you think," said Grandpa Po, "that Seek would want you to live your life and be happy?"
"I don't know what he would want," said Cryssa, though that wasn't entirely true. She knew one thing that he had wanted, which was for her to tell him that she loved him that morning three weeks ago. If only she had said it instead of trying to put off deciding how she had felt, Seek would be with her right now instead of missing.
The awful thing was, after three weeks without him, Cryssa knew exactly how she felt. If Seek had disappeared weeks before that fateful morning, then returned and asked her if she loved him, she knew what her answer would have been.
It would have been yes.
"I have an idea," said Grandpa Po. "Why don't you ease back into your training? Just try a little and see how it goes? Maybe it will take your mind off your worries."
"It won't," said Cryssa.
"You won't know unless you try," said Grandpa Po.
"No," said Cryssa. "I don't care about training. I don't care about being queen. I just want Seek to come home."
Grandpa Po and Cryssa both fell silent then, watching as Sylva guards raised the gate in the rock wall. Five Kee knights rushed through the gap under the gate, finned gray backs rolling in from the sea. It was the latest search party, returning at sundown from the daily quest for their missing brother.
Cryssa leaned forward, squinting at the five back fins as they glided into the lagoon, hoping to spy the familiar shape that had been gone for so long. She knew without looking that Seek wasn't there, for the search party would have been celebrating if he had been among them...but she looked anyway.
And she didn't see him.
Grandpa Po had been leaning forward too, and now he sat back again. "I'm sorry they haven't found him yet," he said softly. "Maybe tomorrow."
"I'll be waiting," said Cryssa.
Grandpa Po planted his cane in the sand and used the cane to drag himself to his feet. "Please think about the training," he said, looking down at her. "I think it would do you some good."
"I don't deserve to be queen," Cryssa said without looking up at him. "Not after what I've done."
"Is that what you think?" Grandpa Po sounded surprised.
Cryssa didn't answer him.
"If that's what you think, you are wrong," said Grandpa Po. "First of all, you have done nothing wrong here. All you did was ask for a little time to sort out your feelings. Even if you had told Seek flat out that you didn't love him, you still would have done nothing wrong. You are your own person and are entitled to love whomever you choose.
"Secondly," said Grandpa Po, "aside from avoiding your training, I have seen certain leadership qualities blossom in you since this began.
"Selflessness. Compassion. Patience." Grandpa Po ticked them off on his fingers. "Refusing to give up. Refusing to lose hope."
Grandpa Po shook his fingers at her. "These are the qualities of a great leader," he said. "I have seen them in you, and so have others.
"However," said Grandpa Po, "I have also seen that you still have a lot to learn." He let his hands fall to his sides. "Here's a lesson for you, Cryssa, whether you want to hear it or not.
"A leader must be concerned about the well-being of all her people...not just one."
With that, Grandpa Po took hold of his cane and hobbled off, leaving Cryssa to sit and stare at the rippling water.
*****
Chapter Twenty-Nine
In spite of Grandpa Po's advice to return to her lessons and training, Cryssa continued to spend her days waiting by the lagoon for Seek. Day and night, she sat on the sand or paced the beach, always watching the gate in the rock wall, always listening for the telltale splashing of the returning search parties. Many nights, she even slept on the beach, lying on a blanket that Mana the seamstress had brought her.
People came by and tried to draw her into conversation, but Cryssa never had much to say. Eenie and Ayla often came to keep her company, but Cryssa mostly listened silently to their chatter about boys and village gossip. As long as Seek was missing, she didn't feel like joining in; she felt as if she were living in a different world from everyone else, a dark, dull world where time crawled and nothing that other people cared about mattered.
People brought her food and drink, but she hardly touched it. The young Kee tried to cheer her up with antics in the lagoon, but she hardly smiled.
At least twice a day, Grandpa Po came and tried to make her feel better; sometimes, he didn't even try to talk her into resuming her training. Cryssa barely even acknowledged his presence.
All that she could think about was Seek.
As she waited, she remembered all the times that they had shared. She remembered how he had rescued her from the Sharkites and raced her to the island. She remembered how he had taught her to swim and hold her breath. She remembered the many times they had explored the underwater beauty of the lagoon. She remembered the night of the glowing cove.
And she remembered their last conversation. She played it back in her mind again and again, regretting every word that she had said. Sometimes, she imagined it differently, imagined that she had said all the right things and Seek had never left.
Sometimes, she would let that fantasy continue to develop, and she would imagine that she and Seek were living a bright and happy life together. She even imagined a ceremony in which they were bonded forever as Sylva queen and Kee king.
Sometimes, though, she imagined other things. Dark and terrible things.
She imagined Seek wandering, hopelessly lost, in pitch black depths. She imagined him surrounded by hungry sharks, their jagged teeth snapping at him as he cried her name.
She imagined him floating lifeless in the sea, far away, silent and motionless.
Sometimes, these visions made her cry. Sometimes, they made her so angry with herself for driving him away that she wished she had never been born.
Sometimes, they just made her feel numb, as if her heart had stopped beating and the light inside her had gone out.
That was also the way she felt each time the search parties returned to the cove without finding Seek. At first, there was always a moment when she felt great relief that at least the searchers had not brought back Seek's dead body...but then, the relief always turned to emptiness. She felt hollowed out and dead inside.
Sometimes, she wondered if that was how she was going to feel for the rest of her life.
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