by Dior, London
Dedication
This book is dedicated to anybody that took the time out to read my work! Did you know that you’re support is making my dream a reality? Thank you a thousand times! Enjoy!
Prologue
Milan
I stood in the doorway, as fresh tears slid down my face. The torture of watching my man be intimate with the next chick was enough to almost kill me. He was touching her like only I should be touched. Her face held the same look of ecstasy that I knew all too well.
The bastard claimed that he loved me! He didn’t love shit. How could you love someone that you continuously hurt? I was sixteen, and foolishly pregnant by a man that I’d die for, and he didn’t even want to claim me in public.
He claimed that he led a fast life, and that he wanted to keep me out of harm’s way… bullshit! It was all bullshit! He just wanted to fuck hoes, and run the streets wildly, then come home to me and pretend that we were a happy family.
“Come on boo, you don’t need to be seeing this.” My friend Chanel, who was more like a sister to me, placed her hand at the small of my back, attempting to walk me away. We were inside of my boyfriend’s warehouse. He hadn’t answered his phone all day, and things were getting hectic in the streets. I was genuinely worried about him. So, I decided to make a pop-up. Silly me.
I snatched away, barging into the office, announcing my presence. The noise caused them both to jump, scrambling to fix their clothes. “Damn, Milan, baby.” He started walking toward me, but I backed away. “Fuck!” He yelled disappointedly, swinging at the air. “I’m sorry, baby. Let’s talk, please.”
I shook my head, trying my best to stop allowing the tears to flow. He didn’t deserve to see my pain. “Just stay away from me! Stay the fuck away from me! You’re always sorry for something.” I turned on my heels and ran out of the building. I didn’t know where I was going; I just knew that I needed to get the hell away.
The fact that I was five months pregnant with his child didn’t matter. The fact that he promised to take care of me and his baby didn’t matter either. That bastard begged and graveled for me not to kill his child. He promised me that he would step up and be the man that I needed him to be. Lies! I can’t believe that I fell for his lies! I was going to get a fucking abortion!
“Slow your ass down before you go into labor, heffa! Damn!” Chanel huffed, finally catching up to me.
I slowed down a bit, as the realization that I was out of breath hit. “Chanel, he was fucking that bitch. He swore it was nothing! He promised me.” I collapsed inside of her arms, and sobbed… deep gut wrenching cries.
“It’s going to be okay, Milan. You know that this is all part of the territory of being a hustler’s wifey. Suck this shit up and reclaim your thrown. Mark your territory and let these broads know that you are queen.” She coached, but I wasn’t strong enough to keep sucking the pain up. It cut too deep and it hurt too badly. At sixteen, I was living the life of an adult. But reality was, I was still a little girl trying to find herself in this fucked up world.
“Another bitch can have this thrown! I’m not fighting anymore! I’m gone, Chanel.” I cried through a tear drenched face. My father warned me about living the fast life. He told me that he wanted more from me. I bet he was rolling over in his grave right now.
Some heartless bastard took him from me six months prior, and I just needed him back to have at least one last conversation with him. I needed him to spit knowledge, then promise me that everything would be okay.
Chanel’s brows furrowed. “What’s that supposed to mean. You guys started a family. It’s a little too late for that.”
I shook my head, “No, he started a family. I told him that we weren’t ready for this and that we were too young, but he promised to do right if I kept his baby. He lied. And now I’m done with him and when the baby drops, he can have her.” I was serious. He promised that he would keep her if we didn’t make it, and that I could live my life. Well, his promise was about to have to be made good on, because I was officially done!
Chapter One
Ten years later…
Milan
I looked around the dirty room that I was sitting in and had to let out a sigh. I couldn’t wait until the day came that I never had to come back to this ratchet-ass place. Most of the workers had nasty attitudes, and these broads with their loud, shitty-pamper babies made my skin crawl. Just a few years ago, coming to the welfare office would be like cussing me out. But now, times were hard and I had to do what I had to do.
“Man, these ma’fuckas taking too damn long.” My baby daddy, Jabari, complained as he leaned back into his seat. I rolled my eyes at him. He was the reason that we were sitting here in the first place.
My food stamps and childcare benefits had gotten cut off. I told him to drop my semi-annual review paperwork off to the drop box, but obviously he was too trifling to do it.
I worked Monday through Friday from eight-thirty to five, while he sat around backwards hustling. The least he could do was turn in my papers. Now, because of his carelessness, I was paying for food and babysitting out of pocket. It wasn’t killing me, but it sure enough wasn’t helping.
Lord knows Jabari didn’t have two nickels to rub together. As hot as he used to be, I knew that people looked at him and shook their heads now. Jabari was one of the hottest D-boys in the city just a few years ago. That’s when he was a real man. Our family didn’t want for anything. However, he had fallen off… bad. Broke bastard, I sneered to myself under my breath, cutting my eyes over at him.
I didn’t even know why I stayed sometimes; maybe it was because my comfort zone was with him. Jabari had taken care of me for so many years, so I sort of felt indebted to him. I couldn’t just turn my back when he needed me the most… or at least I tried to tell myself that I couldn’t.
I knew that I didn’t deserve this fucked up situation and I could definitely do better. I thought about my ex, my forbidden fruit, and my heart saddened. He wasn’t perfect, but the love was real. As much as I loved Jabari, no man has ever made my heart flutter the way that he did. Have you ever wanted someone so bad, but you just couldn’t have them? Well, that was the story of my life. So I was stuck with Jabari.
I snapped out of my thoughts, focusing on Jabari. “Well, if you had of turned in the paperwork like I asked, we wouldn’t be here! Now would we?” I rolled my eyes, glancing over to the play area where my children, Jabari Jr. and baby Kayla, were playing.
“Nah, you should have turned in your own shit. You know I be having to hit the block and get this money.” He shot back.
I had to hold my tongue, because the words that were about to spill out of my mouth would have had us going head-to-head in front of everyone. I couldn’t believe that he fixed his lips to say that bullshit. Jabari must have been delusional. Getting money my ass!
I was so happy that my worker came out and called me to the back. One day I was going to hurt his feelings.
I handed him the kids’ jackets and stood to meet my worker. “Watch the babies. Hopefully you can do that right.” I shot sarcastically. I was so irritated with him. Lately we had been arguing like cats and dogs because I was reaching my peak with his bullshit, but I just didn’t know how to leave.
“What the fuck ever.” Jabari called out from behind. I kept walking, not wanting to cause a scene.
My worker was a short brown skin woman; she couldn’t have been no more than twenty-three. She took my paperwork and had me out in no time.
“You know that you’re not even supposed to be here.” She smiled at me knowingly. We were from the same neighborhood, and she remembered me from when Jabar
i and I were sitting on top of the world. My pride took a beating, but I was determined to stop having to depend on a man for everything. With Jabari going broke, it really opened my eyes.
I sighed, shrugging off her comment, as I opened the door to leave. “Yeah, shit happens; especially dealing with these sorry-ass niggas.”
“I hear you, girl. Well, I’ll talk to you later, Ms. Smith.” She called me by my last name, turning her professionalism back on.
I waved goodbye, then turned to see Jabari being his dog-ass self. He was all up in some nappy weave, bald faced heffa’s face. He even had his hand on her waist, as they held an intimate conversation. Then the ratchet broad was all smiling, twirling her weave around her finger. I was surprised her finger didn’t get stuck in that bird’s nest on top of her head. Why did he like making me clown?
I walked right up to Jabari and knocked him upside his head, catching him off guard. He jumped a bit, then swung around toward me.
“Nigga, what the hell are you doing! Why you all up in her face?” I shouted, getting loud. The security guard looked up, and everyone sitting in the lobby began to stare at us, however, I didn’t give a damn.
“We was just talking Milan, damn! She ain’t nobody.” He mumbled, taking a step back. Then he straightened up, staring at me with a set of guilty eyes.
Lil Ratchet kissed her teeth. “Oh, so me and Janarius ain’t nobody, Jabari? Really? I’m so tired of you treating us like we don’t mean shit!” She sounded like one of those ratchet project chicks. Those were the kind of hoes that Jabari liked to cheat with. Lord knows his broke ass couldn’t pull a real woman.
I finally took a second to pay closer attention to the woman. She had a baby on her left hip. The little bastard looked just like Jabari. He had Jabari’s chinky brown eyes, and his fat nose. My heart fell to my stomach, but I refused to display how hurt I truly was. Jabari had a whole baby on me!
“Janarius?” I cocked my head to the side like that would help me comprehend better. “So this snotty nosed little motherfucka is your son?” I gritted through clenched teeth. My heart was breaking with every second. How did I let Jabari hurt me, yet again? Why did I put my faith in him, believing that he would get it together and do right, knowing that it would never happen?
“Don’t be talking about my baby, bitch!” Little Ratchet yelled, snapping me out of my shock-induced daze.
Bitch? I was trying to let her make it because she seemed like she needed all the help that she could get, however, I had no problem knocking her crippled eyelash ass the fuck out!
“You better shut up talking to me, little girl.” I warned, stepping into Jabari’s face, dismissing her. “So you out here raw dogging bitches, having babies, and I’m struggling taking care of yo’ dirty ass and two kids? This is how you’re going to play me?” My voice cracked a bit, because I was truly hurt. I talked about Jabari, but I really loved him.
The moment his rude ass smiled at me, coming from the gas station, I was addicted to him. Jabari was sexy as hell, and he was one of those cocky niggas with money back then. I was just getting my life back on track, I had left my ex, I graduated from high school and enrolled in college, and I was finally happy with myself again. He showed be things in my eighteen years that I never experienced. I fell in love with that Jabari.
Somehow, he got caught up on a drug case, though. They gave him four years, and once he got out last year, he never bounced back. I kept fooling myself into believing that he would get it together, holding on to a past that was long gone.
“Girl please. Jabari told me that he had a sugar momma taking care of him. Thanks for the pampers, bitch.” She chuckled, antagonizing me. She just didn’t know, I was still that same bitch from the Number Streets that would drag her ass all up and down Warren.
I didn’t say another word. My emotions provoked my actions. She was going to eat up all the shit that she was talking. I think that Jabari knew that I was about to lay hands on his mistress, because he grabbed my arm, pushing me backward.
We were locked into an intense stare down. All I saw was him, and all I could feel was the continuous heartache that he gave me. Jabari broke the silence first.
“Man, you bet not hit that girl and she got my baby in her hand!”
His baby? Was he trying to protect his hoe after she clearly disrespected me? Hurt wasn’t even the word to describe how I was feeling. I snapped, showing my natural black ass. The only thing that calmed me down was my babies crying, and the guards that were escorting me out of the building.
They roughly pushed me toward the door, and after reality began to sink in, I calmed down a bit, before I got myself locked up over some bullshit.
I grabbed my babies up and hopped in my ride with a tear stained face. I didn’t want to cry over Jabari, nor did I want to be hurt, but I couldn’t help but to be. I was fed up and done with his lies!
Chapter 2
I had to practically beg my mother to keep my kids, because I wasn’t in no shape to keep them. I felt like a fool being true to Jabari’s dog ass, when he clearly didn’t give a damn about me. His sugar momma? He’s going around telling broads that he was with me because I took care of him? The more I thought about it, the angrier I became.
When I made it to the house, I took my anger out on all of Jabari’s shit. I bleached and cut up every piece of clothing that I saw of his. Then I went for his shoes, cutting them up. Everybody knew that he was a fool about his shoes, but I didn’t care. I wanted him to feel my pain. I wanted to see what I had done to his things and know the hurt that I felt. If he wanted to get physical about it, I had a hot bullet that would send his big ass six feet under.
I didn’t even notice that I was crying until a tear slid off my face and fell into my lap. Eight years? I had been with that bastard for eight long years, and all I got was his ass to kiss. Becoming frustrated, I threw my scissors onto the ground and went to my purse to grab my cell phone to call my best friend, Chanel.
She answered on the first ring, sounding all happy. “What’s up heffa?” She asked.
“Why Jabari done had a big-head little bastard on me? With a bottom feeding ratchet little broad at that!” I sniffled, letting out a sigh.
“Stop lying! How you know?” Chanel gasped.
“Because she was at the Aid office with little Benjamin Button.”
Chanel giggled. “Girl, stop talking about people’s kids!”
“Fuck his snotty nosed ass.” I all but screamed. I meant that shit. Why was I supposed to care about a baby that was created off of Jabari’s lies?
“I’m not fooling with you. Where my little god babies? You trying to turn up on a Friday? You know Keem, and Wise are having that party tonight.” She sang into the phone, changing the subject. Chanel knew that Wise and I had history that neither of us wanted to rekindle. He had his situation, and I had my own. Well, I used to have a situation. Jabari was history.
I thought about it. Maybe I did need to get out of the house. Sitting here, crying over Jabari wasn’t going to cut it. That motherfucka didn’t even have the decency to try to call and explain the foolery. That’s why his shit was going to be fucked up and sitting on my lawn.
Wise and Keem always showed out when they threw parties. They never did anything without doing it big. Heat shot throughout my body as I thought about Wise. Gosh, he was the epitome of sexy! Maybe going to the party did sound promising. Maybe I would bust it wide open for Wise tonight; just to spite Jabari.
Chapter 3
Milan
I sat in my room, looking at the mess that I created. The smell of bleach lingered throughout the house, and the remains of his clothing were sitting in the middle of the floor. I had really done a number on his things, yet I still was hurting.
I looked at the clock on the nightstand, it was just past seven and Jabari still hadn’t called. I tried my hardest to be that tough chick that I desperately wanted to be. I didn’t want to call him; because I didn’t want him to know that I even g
ave a fuck. But, my soft ass just had to call him and ask him why he felt the need to go out and have a whole baby on me.
I called Jabari’s phone twice, only for my calls to go to voicemail. The third time that I called, he forwarded my call to his voicemail, pissing me off further. I threw my phone on the bed, deciding to get ready for Wise’s party.
I had just gotten a fresh sew-in with 24 inch Brazilian hair, so all I had to do was flat iron it, making it bone straight with a part down the middle. Then I threw on a little black dress that I had been dying to rock since I bought it. I had always been a thick chick. My waist was small, and my chest was nearly non-existent, but my ass and hips made up for it.
I gave myself the once over in the mirror. Jabari had me fucked up. I was a bad bitch that could get any nigga that I wanted, so he was definitely sleeping on me. Here it was six hours since the bullshit at the DHS office and he still hadn’t contacted me.
Satisfied with my looks, I left out to meet Chanel at the lofts downtown where Wise and Keem were throwing their party. It was only a selected few invited, and when Wise offered me to come, I turned him down, trying to be respectful to Jabari, like a dumbass. However, at this very moment, I hoped that I didn’t mess up and he invited another bitch. I would be hurt.
I smiled, thinking about Wise. He was a sexy chocolate cat, with swag out of this world. He was cocky, yet humble all the same… as if that was even possible. I mean, it was like he knew that he was the shit, and he knew that I knew he was the shit, but he still played it cool. Then his smile! Shit, I had been crushing on Wise since we were teenagers, but the only problem was, he was a hoe, and somehow he became friends with Jabari and his cousin Keem. I knew Wise way before he became friends with Keem who introduced him to Jabari, however, we kept that on the low. I wasn’t trying to be loving the crew, but Wise’s ass could get it! He’d grown up the be that dude.
