by J. Bengtsson
Coming back through the kitchen, I found Mom standing at the counter cutting up fruit. Music from outside sounded through the open door, preventing her from hearing my approach. I stopped in my tracks as I took in her dreamy expression. Mom was peering out the window, watching her family with a happy smile on her face. Jake was right about her undying devotion to us. This had always been enough for my mother: her family, her children; and it was something I’d begrudged her for half of my life. Somehow I’d always thought if she’d loved us more, she wouldn’t have abandoned us in our time of need – but now I was finally realizing it was that undying love that had destroyed her in the first place.
“Oh, Emma!” She jumped. “You startled me.”
“Sorry.” I frowned, slipping onto a barstool.
“No need to apologize. I love the company.”
“You look happy,” I commented.
She smiled. “I like it when everyone is together. I think in a former life I was probably one of those sheep dogs who are only happy when they’re herding everyone together. I can’t believe how fast the years go. You’re all grown up now.”
“Does that make you sad?” I asked.
Mom’s eyes filled with tears, but she smiled as she wiped them away. “It does and it doesn’t. I miss the younger years, but I love watching you all grow into the people you were meant to be. If you ask me, you’re all pretty damn awesome.”
I nodded, suddenly nostalgic, though I felt a bit unworthy of the devotion. I’d done very little for her in the past decade to really deserve it.
“Mom… are you disappointed in me?”
“What?” she blurted out, looking horrified I’d say such a thing. “Of course not. Why would you ask me that?”
“I guess because I would be if I were you.” My throat clenched as I fought to hold back the tears. “I haven’t been a very good daughter.”
My mother came around the counter and settled onto the stool next to me. Her hand gently touched my arm. “Emma, you know I adore you. Where’s this coming from?”
“It’s just… I have a lot of regrets.”
“Oh, well, if that’s the issue, then get in line behind me. My regrets circle around the block.”
“You have nothing to regret, Mom.”
“Please. I’m not naïve. I know what I’ve done – to you, to Kyle, to everyone, really. I have to live with those regrets because I can never take back the things I did and said. All I can do is try to make up for the terrible mistakes I made.”
“You did the best you could under the circumstances.”
“No, I didn’t. I used to tell myself that, but now I know it was just a copout. I gave up, Emma. I gave up on Jake and you and everyone. Instead of fighting, I just abandoned you all. I was weak; devastated. I shudder to think what would have happened if we hadn’t gotten him back. I don’t think I would have survived.”
“No, I don’t think you would have either.”
The tears were freely flowing down Mom’s cheeks now, and I rounded the counter to get her a napkin. Mom dabbed at her eyes as I sat back down on my stool.
“I know I’ve apologized to you a hundred times, Emma, but I don’t think you’ve ever really heard me before. I want you to listen now. I’m sorry. What you did… the way you stepped up to fill a role that wasn’t yours… it was beyond what any sixteen-year-old girl should have had to shoulder. And I know that your experience has warped your views of love and family, and I take responsibility for that. I genuinely wish my shortcomings hadn’t affected you the way they did. I love you and only want the best of everything for my little girl.” Mom stopped to gather her emotions and then continued. “So to answer your earlier question – no, I’m not disappointed in you, and I never have been. My concern for you has always stemmed from my own guilt. I just desperately want you to have a fulfilling life, something I fear I’ve robbed you of.”
We both sat quietly on the barstools, staring out the window at all the people we loved. My mother had always put us first, and nearly died in the process; but look at what she had to show for it now. We were moving forward, and her and dad’s commitment was what had carried us through. I’d been blaming my mother for being weak when it was her strength that had kept us together. Maybe carrying a child of my own had finally opened my eyes to the sacrifices she’d made.
“I’m going to have a baby, Mom,” I whispered. “I’m five months along.”
I could feel her shock. It was hanging in the air, electrified. Her eyes were on me, but I couldn’t bring myself to meet them with my own.
“I’m just… are you okay? I know you’ve never wanted children. Emma, look at me.”
Slowly I lifted my eyes.
“How are you feeling about this?”
I set my hand on my stomach. “I’m scared. I don’t know if I have it in me to be the mother…” I stopped, choking up. “To be the mother you were.”
My mom burst into tears. I wrapped my arms around her and we both cried. She’d suffered so much but had pulled herself out of hell and kept our family together. Instead of resenting her, I should have been hailing her for the incredible role model she truly was. My mother was strong and loving and loyal. She was who I wanted to be.
“I’m sorry, Mom. The way I’ve treated you. I was so angry. What happened to Jake… to all of us. I was just so angry, and I needed someone to blame. You were the easiest target. I knew I could hurt you, so I did. If it’s any consolation, it never made me feel better. I know now you tried your best and really… you were, are, an amazing mother. And dad. He’s my hero. You raised six healthy, happy children, and after everything we went through, that’s nothing short of a miracle.”
Mom straightened up, wiping away her tears. “Thank you, Emma. You have no idea what that means to me. And just so you know, it’s perfectly normal to have fears about motherhood. When I was pregnant with Keith, I had dreams that I kept him in an aquarium and fed him fish food; so yeah, I guess you could say I was nervous about the type of mother I’d be too. But the moment you hold that baby in your arms, all your questions will be answered. I promise.”
I lay my head on her shoulder and she stroked my hair. Kyle walked in, took one look at our teary faces, and made an about-face and hightailed it out of the kitchen. We both laughed.
“Such a guy,” Mom said, shaking her head. “He acted like we were about to tie him up and dip him head first into a big, gooey pot of feelings.”
I lifted my head, chuckling at my mom’s very accurate assessment of Kyle’s horrified face.
“Does Finn know?” she asked.
“Yes.”
“How does he feel about the baby?”
“Oh, you know, he’s loving the whole thing… can’t wait. Obviously it was a huge shock for both of us, but we’re committed to this baby and determined to give him or her a good life.”
Mom smiled, gazing out the window. Finn was playing a game of one-on-one with Keith on the basketball court.
“And what about the two of you? You seem happy.”
“We are. It’s just… “
“What?”
“I don’t know if I told you, but we broke up for a while. I knew it was his dream to be a father, and I felt I wasn’t the woman to give that to him. How ironic now, right? He was totally committed to our relationship, and I really hurt him. And when I knocked on his door two months later, offering him everything he’d ever wanted, Finn dropped it all to take me back. But sometimes I can just feel his hesitation. I’m not sure he fully trusts me, and it makes me worry he’s only staying for the baby.”
“Oh, Emma, you’re the wild card, not him. Finn’s in love. He wears it on his sleeve. The way he looks at you with blinders on, like you’re the only girl he sees. Every mother wants that for her daughter. All you have to do is love him back with that same intensity, and he’s all yours.”
“I do love him.”
“And you tell him that? All the time?”
“I…well… maybe
not as much as I should. I think I’m subconsciously still trying to protect myself.”
“You can’t fully love if you don’t give all of yourself. If you want my opinion, I think you’re over-analyzing things.”
“You think?” I laughed. “Huh. That’s not like me.”
Mom grinned, then hugged me again. “Believe it or not, falling in love is the easy part. Just let yourself go and enjoy it because from time to time, real life will come along with some punishing blows and knock you on your ass. The more love you have surrounding you, the more cushion you have when you fall. Your father and I have weathered some gnarly plunges. If we hadn’t had that strong foundation from the start, we never would have made it.”
“I want that for Finn and me.”
“From what I can see, you already have it. The battle has been fought and you’ve won. Your prize is right out there waiting for you. All you have to do is relax, take a few deep breaths, and go claim him. Not for Finn, not for your baby, but for you… because, my beautiful girl, you deserve it.”
After Mom and I carried out the food, I sought out Finn. He was sitting comfortably with the boys, discussing basketball. The fact that he had so easily blended in with my family was not lost on me. I could imagine us, wrangling our toddler, surrounded by family. Mom was right. I was in control. I could make it happen if I just opened myself up to the possibilities. Finn caught my eye, looking concerned. You okay? he mouthed. I nodded, smiling as I made my way over to him and perched on the edge of his chair. I put my arm around his shoulder and he reached up to touch my hand as he gazed up at me with that look my mother said she saw in him. She was right – our future depended on me letting go of my hang-ups and allowing myself to love. If I wanted Finn, I had to show him.
Leaning down, I cupped his face in my hands, and said, “I love you” before pressing my lips gently to his. Surprised at first, Finn recovered quickly and peppered me with tiny kisses. Yes my family was watching, and yes it was a display of affection I wouldn’t normally approve of, but I wanted him to know it wasn’t just the baby I loved.
“Eww, Emma,” Quinn complained, “I just ate.”
I reached out and grabbed him, pulling him into the love circle. As Finn and I showered him with affection, Quinn squirmed like a rat tight in a trap. Only when I felt he’d been properly loved did I let him up.
“I don’t like this new Emma,” he grumbled as he wiped his face. “You’re too happy. It freaks me out.”
“I am happy,” I replied, grabbing Finn’s hand and squeezing. We exchanged a knowing glance before I addressed the room. “Finn and I have an announcement.”
“We knoooow… you’re in loooove,” Kyle said, rolling his eyes as he exaggerated each word. “How gross for the rest of us.”
Kenzie grabbed him, wrestling him down and covering his mouth with her hand.
“Sorry. Go ahead. I have him properly contained now,” she panted.
“As I was saying, Finn and I have an announcement,” I repeated, but this time I stretched out my leg and kicked Kyle with it. He groaned through Kenzie’s hand.
Every single member of my family looked at us expectantly. No doubt they were anticipating something less shocking than what I was about to tell them, but it wouldn’t matter. We were family, and, as such, supported each other through the good times and bad. And this, I’d decided, was the best.
“Finn and I are having a baby.”
“Where are we going?” I asked. “You know I don’t like surprises.”
“I’m aware – although I have to say, I’m kind of bummed I wasn’t there for the biggest surprise of your life,” he said, reaching over to tap my belly. “You’re welcome for that, by the way.”
“Oh, yes, thank you so much for impregnating me, Finn. I don’t say it often enough.”
“No, you really don’t.”
I could almost see his smirk, but since he’d required me to close my eyes the last minute of the ride, I only had his voice to go on.
“Okay, you can open them now.”
I blinked in my surroundings and smiled upon seeing the surprise. Of course, I loved it. “Ahh, you’re so romantic.”
We stepped out of the car and bought our tickets before taking a leisurely stroll over the dusty path. Up ahead was a Ferris wheel, and we took our place in line.
“What, no priority boarding?”
“No. Apparently your brother has no jurisdiction in this area.”
“His power has its limits, unfortunately.”
“No problem. No one really likes the Ferris wheel anyway. Too tame.”
“I don’t like the Ferris wheel.”
“Then I didn’t make it exciting enough for you last time,” Finn said, nibbling on my neck. “I’ll be sure to remedy that tonight.”
Our turn arrived, and this time we both managed to embark on the ride with minimal hijinks. Finn wrapped his arms around me and I settled in to his comfortable embrace. This time, I knew what to expect, and I trusted the man with my life. When we came to a stop at the top of the ride, Finn unexpectedly slid down on one knee on the floor of the carriage, causing the carriage to swing and me to scream.
“What are you doing?” I asked, digging my nails into his shoulders.
“Asking you to marry me,” he answered, gritting his teeth in pain.
“You’re what?”
I wasn’t sure if I’d heard him correctly until he produced a box from his pocket and opened it for me to see. Suddenly the world around me ceased to exist. It was just Finn and I… and the white-gold ring gleaming in the carnival lights.
“I know you’re going to overthink this, so please hear me out. I love you, Emma. I’ve loved you since the day we met, and I realize we’ve only known each other for six months, and that we have a baby on the way, but this isn’t about any of that. This is about you and me and the really huge fact that we love each other. I don’t want to wait another second to show you that I’m committed to you forever. So Emma McKallister – will you marry me?”
I didn’t mean to leave him hanging, but his proposal had taken me by complete surprise, and my voice had yet to catch up with my heart.
Fear washed over his gorgeous face. “Look, I know you probably have valid points why we should wait, but…”
I stopped his sentence with a kiss. “Yes.”
We barely made it back to my condo before the clothes came flying off. Finn guided me backward toward the bedroom, his mouth never leaving mine. Cynthia, hearing the ruckus, unsuspectingly strolled down the hallway to greet us.
“Out of the way!” Finn yelled at him, as our entangled bodies nearly mowed him down. The cat shrieked as he scrambled away.
“Sorry Cynthia!” I called out.
“Theo,” he corrected, between scattering my tingling skin with kisses.
Seriously? Was he still challenging my authority on that? Finn turned me around, pressing up against my back, as one hand reached around and started caressing my breast. I moaned as his fingers found my nipple and circled the tip.
I threw my head back. “Okay, Theo,” I conceded.
Finn laughed but didn’t take his focus away from what mattered most to him at that moment: engagement sex. Because of my rapidly growing belly, the poor guy was forced to get creative. Laying me down on the bed on my side, he glided in behind me like a runner sliding into home plate. I could feel his hardness pressed against me and encouraged his efforts by grinding my hips. Finn groaned, rubbing his hand over my ass, as he entered me from behind.
His strokes were unhurried and tender as his hand rolled down from my breast to my stomach, twirling sensuously as he traveled below. Suddenly Finn parted my thighs and I arched in response as his finger danced over me. I could feel his breath heavy on my neck as his hunger grew. Finn worked his fingers on me to the rhythm of his thrusts, bringing us both to the brink of rapture. I reached my hand to the bed and squeezed tight onto the sheets, trying to keep myself still as an orgasm taunted me.
Finn gripped my hips tighter and traded the gentle lover for an aggressive, powerful one. That was it for me. My legs shook wildly as shock waves of electricity traveled through my body. Finn was not far behind, bucking out a few final thrusts before he too was in the throes of ecstasy.
Satiated, I turned my body to face my fiancé and gently glided my fingers through his hair and kissed the tip of his nose. Feeling overwhelmed in the moment, I stared deep into his affectionate eyes. He was all I’d ever wanted but never thought possible.
And tonight the words did not fail me. “God, I love you.”
24
Finn: The Fixer
It needed to be done, but that didn’t make it easy. Emma had taken the step to make amends with her mother, and now it was my turn to confront my own.
Emma sat beside me in the passenger seat as we drove down the street leading to Perryland. I had a plan, and she’d agreed. After all, the decisions we made now had to be joint. We’d learned the hard way what it meant to act alone.
“When are the dumpsters coming?” she asked.
“Soon.”
“How do you think Gigi will react?”
“She’ll be pissed, but I’m not going to give her the option. This has to be done.”
Emma leaned over and kissed me. “Yes. For all the future Indiana-Joneses out there.”
“You ready for the fireworks?” I asked, taking her hand in mine as we pulled up the driveway.
In a few hours time, Perryland would be getting a makeover, whether the adult occupants wanted it or not. I’d secretly been saving for years for this, and with the sudden influx of money from my first acting gigs in years, I finally had the cash necessary to make life better for the kids who lived here.
