He rubbed a little harder, working his way out to her shoulder where her deeper scars were still tender. She winced.
“Sorry, is that too much?” He leaned in closer, and she felt his warm breath on her cheek.
“No, it’s good. It’s just that my right shoulder is still healing from . . .”
He froze, then dropped his hands. “I’m sorry.”
She turned and faced him. “It’s okay.”
He shifted his gaze to the mural and crossed his arms. A slight frown creased the area between his eyebrows as he silently studied her work.
Regret washed over her. Were her scars always going to put a damper on her relationships and separate her from the people who meant the most to her?
The question shook her. When had she started thinking of Bill like that?
Over the last week they had spent hours together at his house and the nature center. As they poured over books and discussed plans for the mural, she’d stepped into his world and discovered he had extensive knowledge and a deep love for nature. But he kept his feelings about most other things well hidden, at least from her.
Oh, he’d been kind and considerate, being sure she had everything she needed to do her job and feel comfortable at the house. Last Monday he’d spent a couple hours moving his clothes and personal items into the smaller bedroom next to the kitchen, the one he used as on office. He’d insisted she take his larger bedroom upstairs. She resisted, but he wouldn’t change his mind.
There’d even been a few times when she sensed he might be interested in deepening their friendship, but then something always seemed to stop him, and he would pull back. Like right now.
“So, what do you think?” She motioned toward the mural and smiled, hoping to draw him back to the closeness they’d shared a few moments ago.
“It looks good.” But his expression remained neutral, and he kept his focus on the mural.
Her spirits sagged, and she silently scolded herself. What was she thinking? She didn’t want a relationship with Bill or anyone right now. Her future was too up in the air. She pushed those thoughts away and studied her mural again.
“I want to finish up the sky this afternoon and start on those trees on the left.”
He turned to her, frowning slightly. “You can call it a day any time you want.”
Irritation prickled through her. “I’m okay. I was just taking a little break.”
He glanced at his watch. “It’s almost three, and you worked through lunch. Why don’t you take my truck and head home? I can ride with Wes later.”
His concern softened her heart. This was the first time he’d invited her to use his truck, but she didn’t want special treatment. She could put in a full day just like anyone else. “Thanks, but I can stay until four.”
He sighed and lifted his hands. “Okay.” He started to walk away then turned back. “Hey, what are you doing tonight?”
The question threw her. She blinked and tried to look past his unreadable expression. “I don’t know.”
“Do you want to come over to Julia’s?”
Now she was even more confused. Why would he invite her to Julia’s?
“Our small group meets there every other Friday,” he continued. “I thought you might like to come along and meet some new friends.”
Her stomach tensed. This probably had something to do with the church Bill and Wes attended. “What kind of group is it?”
“Eight of us get together for Bible study. One of the guys brings his guitar. We sing and then pray for each other. It’s relaxed, informal. And the first time we meet each month we have dinner together.” He smiled and patted his stomach. “Tonight’s the night. I can’t wait. Julia’s a great cook.”
Annoyance zinged along her nerves. What about all the meals she’d made? Didn’t he consider her a good cook? She squelched the question. “Thanks, but I think I’ll pass.” She had no intention of discussing her lack of faith in a group—big or small—and she certainly didn’t want to be put in a position where her ignorance of the Bible would be painfully obvious to Bill and everyone else.
“Ah, come on.” A mischievous look lit up his face. ”You don’t want to miss this. It’ll be fun.”
“I have to do my laundry.” It was a lame excuse, but she couldn’t think of anything else to say.
“You have plenty of time to do laundry after work. We won’t get together until seven.”
Her face flushed. She shook her head and climbed back up the ladder.
“Come on.” He tugged on the leg of her jeans. “Everyone’s really nice. I’m sure you’d have a good time.”
“No thanks. Not tonight.”
He chuckled. “You just need someone to convince you to stop hiding out—“
“I am not hiding!”
He looked up at her, and his teasing expression melted away. “Then what are you doing?”
She gripped the ladder, trying to rein in her surging emotions. “I’m painting the mural you hired me to paint. Then I’m going home to do my laundry.”
“Is it the Bible study part that’s bothering you? Because if it—”
“No!”
He continued looking at her with a calm steady gaze. “We wouldn’t put you on the spot, I promise. You could just listen.”
She climbed down, barely holding back her fury. “How many different ways do I have to say this? I am not interested in sitting around and listening to a bunch of people try to convince me that God loves me and has a wonderful plan for my life.”
He shook his head slowly. “You don’t understand. It’s not like that. No one is going to try and talk you into—“
“No, you don’t understand.” She jabbed her finger at his chest. “When I was fifteen I prayed my heart out, but my parents died anyway. If God cared anything about me, He would’ve answered my prayers and kept them alive.”
Bill stared at her, a stunned expression on his face.
“He let my apartment burn down, my dog die, and all my friends walk out on me. He left me with nothing. How could I ever trust a loving God like that?”
Pain filled his eyes. “I’m sorry, Jenn,” he whispered.
His quiet sympathy did her in. Tears blurred her vision, and she turned and dashed out of the room.
Chapter Nine
Bill trudged into his office and sank into his desk chair. Why hadn’t he seen it coming? Jenn obviously wasn’t ready to talk about spiritual issues or go to his small group. His timing was totally off. How could he be so dense where women were concerned? Or was it just this one woman who left him feeling stumped and tongue-tied?
No, it was the whole disturbing species!
Wes sat at the corner desk working on the computer, filling in information on the nature center website calendar. He glanced over at Bill. “Hey, what’s up?”
“I really blew it with Jenn.”
Wes swiveled his chair around. “What do you mean?”
“I asked her to come over to Julia’s tonight.”
Understanding flickered in Wes’s eyes. “And she wasn’t ready.”
“You got it.” Bill clasped his hands. “I shouldn’t have pushed her so hard. But I didn’t understand what was going on until it was too late, and she blew up.”
Wes’s eyebrows rose. “What’d she say?”
Bill repeated the painful conversation. Then he slouched in the chair. “She needed answers, but I had no idea what to say.”
“I’m not sure she’s ready for answers,” Wes added. “It sounds like she’s still grieving. She’s probably stuck in one of those stages.”
“What do you mean?”
“The stages of grief. You’ve heard of them, right?”
Squinting, Bill tried to recall the information he’d learned in his college psychology class several years earlier. “Oh yeah, there’s denial, then anger . . .” He rubbed his chin. “Can’t remember the rest.”
“Bargaining, depression and acceptance.” Wes crossed his arms, looking deep in thought. “
Even though it’s been almost ten years since our parents died, I think she’s still holding on to a lot of anger and blaming God. And everything that’s happened lately brings it all up again.”
“She’s definitely upset. I can tell you that. She took off crying.” Bill clamped his jaw as he recalled how she’d spun away from him and dashed out the door. He’d gone after her, but stopped when he saw her pacing at the far end of the nature center parking lot. What else could he say? An ocean of grief separated them, and she wasn’t willing to reach out to the only source of help he could recommend.
Wes pushed back his chair and stood. “I’ll go look for her.”
“Yeah, maybe she’ll talk to you.” Bill wearily rubbed his forehead. Why hadn’t he prayed and waited for clear direction instead of plunging ahead on his own? Now it would be even more difficult to have any kind of deeper conversation with her.
Wes slowed as he passed Bill’s desk. “Hey, don’t beat yourself up. I’m sure it will all work out for the best. At least now we know what she’s thinking.”
“Yeah, I just wish I knew how to help her.” He shook his head. “A few times lately, she seemed more open and willing to talk. But then I freeze up, and I can’t put the words together. I know what I believe, but trying to explain it to her is just . . .”
Wes clamped a firm hand on his shoulder. “What you say is important, but the way you live and what you do has a big impact too.”
Bill hoped his lifestyle reflected his beliefs, but he wasn’t sure that was enough to help Jenn find the answers she needed so desperately.
“You’ve already done a lot, letting her stay at the house and giving her your room. And getting her this job. Now that was a miracle.” Wes focused his gaze on him. “How’d you do that? I thought Mr. Zeller said there was a hiring freeze all summer?”
Bill looked down and flipped through a stack of papers on his desk, trying to ignore Wes’s question.
“Bill? Are you funding her position?”
Bill scowled as he pushed back and got up. “Promise me you won’t tell her. That would ruin everything.”
“You should’ve said something. I could’ve helped.”
Bill shook his head. “Mr. Zeller liked the idea of the mural—but he wouldn’t release the money. I knew Jenn needed a job that paid, so I told him I’d give the money to the nature center, but it had to be used to pay Jenn.”
“Man, that’s really generous. I appreciate it, and I know Jenn would, too, if she knew.”
“Well, don’t tell her. Right now she thinks her artwork is worth something, and it is. It’s good.”
Wes held up his hand. “You don’t have to convince me. I’m amazed at what she’s done. I always knew she was a talented actress with a beautiful voice, but I had no idea she was so artistic.”
“It’s going to look great, and when people see it, maybe she’ll get some more jobs. There’s got to be some other places that need murals.”
Wes folded his arms across his chest. “Are you sure you don’t want me to help pay—”
“No, you and Lauren have to cover of all the wedding expenses. I have the money. It’s not a problem.”
Wes smiled and slapped him on the shoulder. “Okay, thanks.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Uneasiness tightened Bill’s chest. Did he deserve the trust and appreciation he saw in Wes’s eyes? Was he helping Jenn because of the commitment they’d made to try and reach her spiritually, or was something else behind his desire to take care of her and make sure she had a job that might keep her in Vermont?
* * * *
Jenn pushed open the front door of Bill’s house and stepped inside. She glanced around and quietly closed the door behind her.
She’d disappeared from work almost four hours earlier without telling Bill where she was going. Wes had found her in the nature center parking lot and offered to talk, but she wasn’t ready. He gave her a hug, and told her he loved her. That helped, but she still felt she needed to get away and think things through. He’d offered her the use of his car, and she accepted.
She drove around for a while and then parked at the lake, hoping if she didn’t go home until seven, Bill would be gone. Evidently, she hadn’t stayed away long enough.
The delicious smell of garlic, herbs, and chicken floated toward her, making her mouth water and empty stomach rumble. With a weary sigh, she gave in and followed the delicious scents into the kitchen.
Bill stood in front of the stove stirring something in a large frying pan. He glanced over his shoulder at her then turned back to the stove and dropped some sliced green peppers and onions into the pan.
Jenn stayed in the doorway, waiting. “I thought you were going over to Julia’s.”
“We postponed it until next Friday. Lauren and Wes are meeting with Pastor Dan for pre-marital counseling, and Chad is sick.”
“Oh.” She didn’t know Wes and Lauren were in Bill’s Bible study group. She walked a little closer. “What are you making?”
“Chicken and ziti.”
She watched him add some dried tomatoes to the chicken and vegetables. “Wow, it smells good.”
He continued stirring the mixture in the pan, his back to her.
She pulled in another tempting whiff and swallowed. Why wasn’t he talking? Was he going to let one argument ruin their friendship? What about all the fun they’d had working together at the nature center? And how about the way they enjoyed kicking back and relaxing at home?
Her empty stomach rumbled as she recalled how she’d dumped her load of frustration and doubts on him, but she quickly forced that memory away.
This was his fault. He had pushed her too far. She couldn’t stay here if he was going to pressure her to attend church or get involved in a Bible study group. She wasn’t ready, and she might never be.
Of course this was the first time he had invited her, and he hadn’t actually pressured her in a mean way. He was probably just clueless and hadn’t sensed her rising frustration until it was too late.
But still, he should know not to tease her about a personal issue like that.
She pressed her lips together. There was no way around it. She owed him an apology. “I’m sorry I took off today. I just didn’t want—”
“No, it’s okay.” He switched off the burner and turned to face her. “I was out of line. I thought joking around would convince you to come. I didn’t know—”
She lifted her hand. “Let’s just forget about it. We don’t need to get into it now.”
He studied her for a moment. “All right. I just have a couple things I want to say.”
She steeled herself, preparing for an argument.
He leaned back against the counter. “I’ve been thinking about what you said. You asked me some tough questions. I believe there are answers for them. But I won’t push you, Jenn. I’ll leave it up to you to bring them up again when you’re ready.”
She blinked, stunned by his gentle tone and sincere expression. She’d rarely seen this serious side of Bill. “Okay. Thanks. I appreciate that.”
He smiled at her with his slightly crooked grin. “So, are we still friends?”
She smiled and nodded. “Sure.”
“You want to try some of my famous Chicken Two Tomato Ziti?”
She laughed. “Yes, I’m starved.”
“How about eating out on the deck?”
“Sounds great.” She opened the cabinet and pulled out two dinner plates.
Bill’s comment about answers to her questions pricked her curiosity. She wasn’t ready to talk about them tonight, but she appreciated the way he resolved the tension between them with openness and a calm attitude. That certainly wasn’t Phillip’s style.
A ripple of surprise passed through her. Why was she comparing Bill and Phillip again?
A few minutes later they sat on the back deck enjoying Bill’s delicious chicken and ziti, freshly steamed broccoli, and crusty Italian bread. Jenn settled back in her chair, soaking in the
peaceful evening. The sunset had faded from bright blue to a soft gold. Crickets chirped in a steady chorus, and water tumbled over the rocks in the little stream at the bottom of the hill.
“It’s so beautiful here.” She watched two squirrels chase each other around the huge trunk of an old oak tree. They chattered and flicked their tails at each other.
“Do you miss Oregon?” Bill took another bite of chicken and watched her.
“I love the Northwest, but Vermont has its own special beauty.” She sipped her ice water and set her glass aside. “There is one thing I miss though.”
“What’s that?”
“Getting up on a high hill and looking down on everything. I’ve always loved that.
“When I was a little girl we used to drive up to the top of Mt. Tabor near our home in Portland and look out over the whole city. On a sunny day you can see Mt. Hood and the Columbia and Willamette Rivers. And at night the city lights spread out and sparkle for miles and miles.” She smiled at the memory, missing her hometown a little more than she’d realized.
He chuckled. “Sounds nice, but we have all kinds of hills and mountains around here. We’re famous for them.”
“That’s what I’ve heard, but I’ve been here almost two weeks, and it seems like everywhere we go we’re just driving back and forth in a valley. Even the nature center is at the bottom of the ski slopes. I’ve never been up high enough to get a good look around.”
“There are some great viewpoints on the Round Mountain trail. We should get a group together and go for a hike.”
“What’s it like?” She set her plate on the small table between them, hoping she wouldn’t have to tell him she’d never been hiking before. He was such an outdoorsman. She didn’t want him to laugh at her and think she was a wimpy city girl.
“It’s about four miles long, there’s a bit of a climb, but most of it is pretty level. Great views. You’d love it.”
She imagined herself hiking down a trail with Bill, enjoying the scenic beauty of Vermont. “Sounds great.”
His smile spread wider, delight filling his eyes. “You really want to go?”
She felt heat stealing into her face. “Sure.”
“Okay, I’ll see if I can get some people together. Maybe Wes and Lauren will come. I think Toby might even be able to do this hike. I’ll check with Wes and see what he says.”
Surrendered Hearts Page 6
