by Ami Urban
Jack chuckled. "Yeah right. No, man. we're going to smoke it."
"you're kidding."
"Nope."
"You are. You have to be."
"I solemnly swear I am telling the complete and honest truth whether you can handle it or not, Foxtrot."
"No way."
"Yahweh."
"I don't think so."
Jack leaned back against the locker and sighed. "Okay, how long are we going to do this before you give in?"
I spread my arms out to the sides. "Jack, I'm a doctor. It would be against everything I know as a medical professional to even be near a lit joint."
"You were a doctor."
I shook my head. "How do you know it's not laced? Is it even safe?"
Even in the dim candlelight, I could see a twinkle in Jack's eye.
"it's so incredibly safe that you wouldn't even believe it."
I mulled it over in my head for a moment too long before I asked, "you're going to make me do this, aren't you?"
Jack smiled and stood up straight. "Hey, this is a high school. it's the land of peer pressure. You practically have to smoke ten of these before you're even cool." He grabbed my hand and we walked toward the stairway. "Besides...you need to relax a little."
The warmth of his touch traveled up my arm and into my spine. I felt it spread up to my heart, almost making it stop completely. It was as if we really had traveled back in time to high school and I was a girl with a crush.
Jack sat down on the top step and invited me to join him. Once I was firmly seated, he put the joint in his mouth and flicked the lighter on once again. But he paused first. "You want the first go?"
"No. You found it, so you take the first...toke." I scolded myself for using such a juvenile word.
He shrugged. "Suit yourself."
The lighter hit the white paper and began to glow in the darkness. When Jack inhaled, he clicked it closed once again and the tip grew bright for a moment. Then, it was my turn.
"This is such a terrible idea." After too long a hesitation, I put the thing in my mouth and inhaled a bit too hard. I came up coughing while Jack just laughed at me.
"It shows."
"Oh?" I coughed. "What..." cough, "have you been a..." cough, "smoker your whole life?"
"Smoker for six years." He took another drag.
"Smoker or stoner?"
He handed the joint off to me again. "what's the difference? Nicotine and marijuana are both drugs. Once is just more harmful than the other."
I studied him for a second. "I don't think I've ever heard someone say that before."
"People either go one way..."
"Or the other..." I finished the sentence for him.
The joint was winding down as he passed it to me again, so he handed me the lighter to spark it up. I did, and then noticed the engraving on its scratched surface.
"What is the S for?"
"It's my...friend's." Jack was suddenly somber.
"Oh." I knew he'd meant the friend who'd died during the rabies outbreak. I could sense he wasn't ready to divulge.
"So what kind of girl are you?"
"I'm sorry?"
"Well, I'm an earlobe and left pinky guy...what are you?"
I looked at him. "I'm nothing."
"Yeah you are." He playfully snatched the lighter from me. As he tried to light the joint again, the silver box refused to spark a flame. He sighed and tossed it on the floor beside him. "Fuckin" thing." Taking another long drag anyway, he looked my way and leaned toward me. "So?"
He was so close, I could smell the sweat and dirt. For some reason, my entire body flushed and I was filled with something I hand't felt since before Rex had been born. I took a deep breath.
"Fine. I'll go with penis size." And then laughter burst from my chest before I could stop it. Jack didn't follow suit. Instead, he tossed the mostly spent joint on the stair.
"Well, fuck."
I stopped laughing and we looked at each other. But after a second or two of silence, a smile broke out across his face and the good humor flowed once more. We both let off quite a bit of stress on the stairs before the high came down and we realized it was getting late.
"I should have a shower." I stood up to stretch my arms above my head. Jack watched me with careful eyes.
"Yeah?"
"Yes. Then I'll go to bed. Are you coming?"
"Uh...no. I'd rather just sit here and stare at..." He gestured toward the open locker once again. I tossed him a confused glance. "On...second thought... That sounded really pedophilic, so, yeah, I'm coming."
October 18
The TV in the teacher"s lounge was broadcasting nothing but static, but I didn't care. The uniformity of the sound relaxed my body somehow. I found myself laying my head back against the sofa and just reveling in the quiet.
"150 channels and there's nothing on!"
Damn it. I ran a hand over my face. I wasn't in the mood to deal with Silas's crap.
"aren't you wondering where I've been?"
I rolled my head to the left and looked at him. "Nope. In fact...I was hoping you'd fucking stay there."
The dead man recoiled ever so slightly. "Ooh. Still grumpy, I see."
"Yeah..." I could hear the exhaustion in my own voice as I put my head back against the couch. "Very very grumpy."
"Dude...you have nothing to be grumpy about with that beauty back there," he said, referring to the running water just behind the closed door next to us.
I said nothing.
"You know...I'm a fucking ghost. I can just go in there and take a peak then come back out and tell you all the good bits."
"Do whatever you want. I don't care." I had to close my eyes; the dull throb in the back of my head was returning.
"Really? You really truly don't care?"
I drew in a deep sigh. "No. I really truly don't care."
"You don't care about what?"
My eyes snapped open. I had been so out of it that I hand't heard the water shut off. I lifted my head off the couch and took in all that was Lisa. She was wearing a short white shirt with a heart on it. It showed a bit of her midriff. The sweatpants she'd found were a bit too big and sliding just off her hips. Her hair was wet and hanging down her shoulders in shiny waves.
"The uh...the news." I collected myself as quickly as possible. "I don't care about this crap. All reruns."
She glanced at the screen then back at me."Are you going to rinse off?"
"Uh, no. I'm just too beat."
"Okay."
I put my head against the sofa again. If I looked at her any longer, I wouldn't have been able to hide that I liked the way she was looking. A second later, I felt the sofa cushion next to me depress. I didn't lift my head, but instead opened my eyes and looked her way.
She tucked her legs under her. Our bodies were too close to touching. "Jack."
"Yeah?"
She tucked her hair behind an ear, but didn't answer.
I took one hand off the back of the sofa and nudged her shoulder. "What...?" I egged her on like I was a baseball coach telling my star player not to choke.
But she didn't smile, just remained silent.
"where'd you find those clothes?" I tugged at one of the sleeves on the white shirt.
She finally looked at me. "there's a lost and found in the other room. I needed to change."
"I see that."
"We should have sex."
That got my attention. "What?"
"Listen."
"I never stopped listening." I couldn't decide whether there was excitement in my voice or anxiety.
"Obviously there's something between us," she said. This time, her full attention was on me. I must have had a dumb look on my face, so I relaxed my features a bit.
"Well, yeah, but...I mean...we barely know each other."
"you've been amazing with Rex and Alex and you're extremely resourceful. you've saved our lives many times." She was as still and serious as she had ever b
een.
"it's only been three."
"I'm serious."
"Me too!"
"I had a lot of time to think about this while I was in the shower"
"Oh, God, Lisa." I groaned out loud. "don't make me start picturing you naked. that's all I need right now."
"Then don't just picture it." In one swift movement, she removed the white shirt she'd been wearing. I averted my eyes.
"Ooh-kay, those are yours."
She touched my hand and I felt a jolt of electricity so forceful that I almost tore it away.
"Nope. Nope." I shook my head while trying not to look at her."You don't want to do this."
"that's not your decision to make."
"I mean it. I don't perform well under pressure."
"No one does."
Before I could issue one more protest, she climbed on my lap and pressed her lips against mine. Oh, God, the warmth of her skin and the soft touch of her fingertips just did me in. I was at full attention immediately. When she came up for a breath, I tried more reasoning.
"Seriously, Lisa...this isn't right. You...you won't like it."
She had started planting soft kisses on my neck as I spoke. "Why not?" She didn't stop.
"Because, I...I'm not good...I'm not a good person." I felt her breath against my skin and a shiver ribboned through me."
"Feelings of inadequacy stem from lots of logical places." She finally stopped and sat straight on my lap. "We can talk about it if you want."
I could feel my mouth hanging slightly open. "If you think I can even remember what I had for breakfast with those things in my face, then you've got another thing coming!"
"Then shut up."
When she shifted her hips, I felt the pressure of her pelvis on mine. I couldn't help it and let out a groan that sounded more like the growl of a hungover college student.
"You want this just as much as I do."
"Just because you want something doesn't mean it's right."
She looked at me for a solemn moment. I couldn't read her face at all. The candlelight danced around us and gave her skin a soft yellow glow.
"I'm not your type," she finally said.
"I didn't say that."
"You don't have to. I studied psychology for a semester in college."
"What didn't you study?"
She sighed heavily. For the first time, I could see sorrow and hurt in her features. My heart dropped to my stomach and the blood rushed in the same direction. She tried to get up.
"No." I held her down. "don't leave."
I felt her fingers tap impatiently against my shoulder. I grit my teeth as she shifted her weight once again. He was not behaving.
"Okay, okay. Look...I'm not...that big..."
"What?" She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear as if she hand't heard me.
I grabbed both of her hands and brought them to my chest. "Size matters to you. I'll disappoint."
She blinked out of turn. "You thought I was serious." It wasn't even a question.
"you're always serious."
Lisa screwed up her face for some reason. I couldn't tell what was happening until she cleared her throat. She'd been stifling a laugh.
"Jack. I've been with one other man in my life and I haven't had sex in three years. I can tell it's been a while for you, too."
"Thanks..."
"I'm not in a position to be choosy."
"Double thanks."
"Besides..." She freed her hands from mine and ran them down my stomach to the zipper on my jeans. "What I'm feeling in here is far from average."
I'm pretty sure my brain just gave up when she said that. It just stopped thinking altogether. There was nothing. Nothing except pure passion.
"Oh motherfuck." I groaned and pulled her against me. I felt her shudder under my hands as they ran up her naked back. When she bit her bottom lip I nearly lost it. "Fine. let's do this."
I barely got the words out before my pants were unzipped and hers were completely off. I mean, she wasn't wrong when she "guessed" that I'd been celibate for a while. But it'd been longer than three years. And it was obvious.
As soon as she straddled me there was no going back and I lasted about half a second. Although I cringed, I felt the faint hint of a shiver on her side.
"I'm sorry..." I sighed and let my head fall back against the sofa again.
"it's all right." Her tone was soft and I could tell she meant it. I felt her nails brush down my arms and wasn't sure if it was a caress or an accident. "you're thinking about it too much."
"Yeah!" I brought my head up to look at her. "I don't even think the clock on the wall had a chance to tick."
"No, really. it's completely fine."
I took a long look at her. She was everything I could never get. She was gorgeous. Her dark hair was growing past the bob stage and just brushing her shoulders. She was smart, too. I had zero education. The last serious relationship I had ended up with her stealing my car and my favorite t-shirt. Plus she sucked in bed.
No. I wasn't going to screw it up. If this was going to be the only night we had together, I was going to make it count. I wasn't just doing it for her; I was doing it for myself too.
"it's completely not fine." I grabbed a handful of her hair and brought her mouth to mine. She tensed at first, but relaxed when I touched her cheek. Her breathing quickened and she was making small hums of desire between kisses. I stopped.
"I wasn't ready last time. This time I'm ready and it's gonna get done right." I reached behind my head and tugged my shirt off. The entire time, Lisa watched me with one hand to her chest as though she were catching her breath.
As I tried to wiggle out of my jeans, they got stuck on my right foot. I tried to shake them off, but they stayed. "God...fuck!"
"Hey..." Lisa's voice was back to its soft tenor. It was the voice that made my thoughts melt. "it's okay."
I gave one last forceful kick and the jeans finally flew into the corner of the dusty room. Before they even landed, I had snaked my left arm around Lisa's waist and practically flipped her onto her back.
"Oh!" Her tone was one of surprise, but it quickly faded back to relaxed. "Oh."
"Know what I found out while you were in the shower?"
"What?" The question emerged breathy.
I grinned as I placed one hand on the top of the couch and the other on her left side. Then, I pushed down hard. The couch groaned loudly but eventually gave way and flattened out with a cloud of dust.
"Jesus!"
I grinned. "This is a futon."
"So it seems."
We stared at each other. "Fuck...you're beautiful."
Her face twisted into a slight grimace. "I've never heard anyone put it so forcefully before."
"I mean it." I allowed my hands to follow the curves of her waist and hips. Her breathing began to deepen again. "And I may not be an Adonis, but I can at least give you one night you deserve."
And it seemed that I did just that. I was positive it was going to be a one-time thing, so I made sure I touched every inch of her with the tips of my fingers. I was careful to whisper to her exactly how she made me feel when she made me feel it. And in the final moments, she said my name. My name.
"This won't mean much, but you have nothing to feel inadequate about." Her voice was barely above a whisper as I caressed her bare arm.
"I appreciate that."
"Do you think we'll make it?"
Sadness welled up inside me. Lisa was vulnerable and she was showing it to me. She was unrated. I had to make her feel better. If I didn't, I'd fail miserably.
But my words were stuck in my throat. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't speak. All I could do was put my forehead against hers.
"I know. We can't know for sure. We should get some sleep."
I fucked it up.
From the Desk of Dr. Lisa James
It wasn't the sun that woke me the next morning. When I was able to muster the strength to open my
eyes, I noticed Jack had covered me with a blanket at some point during the night. He was lying next to me, on his back with one arm above his head. He was going to wake up to it numb.
The giggling caught my attention again. It was Rex. I sat up and tried to rub the sleep from my eyes. I was having an incredible nights" sleep so I was slightly upset that it had been interrupted.
"Peek-boo!"
Rex was ready to get out of bed. My hair had dried naturally overnight and was in messy waves. I tried to smooth it down before I reached for my clothes. Perpetual mornings without coffee weren't conducive to a productive day, but I fought through it, lazily slipping on my jeans and pulling my t-shirt over my head.
"Peek-boo!"
I sighed. "I'm coming, Rex." As I stood, I felt the overwhelming urge to just flop back onto the futon and sleep for twelve more hours. But that wasn't going to happen. I turned to see Rex standing on the arm of the other sofa, looking out the dingy window giggling.
"Oh, my God."
"Peek-boo!"
Rex was playing peek-a-boo with a rabies infected man clawing at the window outside. Bloody streaks followed his fingers. His moans were barely audible.
"Jack."
I inched toward my son while keeping one arm stretched toward my sleeping partner. Alex stirred in the next room.
"Jack."
Rex giggled louder as the diseased man outside seemed to be getting more desperate.
"Jack." I raised my voice the slightest bit.
"Peek-boo!"
The man outside pounded hard against the window with a closed fist. The glass rattled in its frame, a crack stretching across the bottom pane.
"What the fuck?" Jack had heard the sound and bolted upright. Alex let out a tiny shriek.
"We have a problem."
He turned around and looked at Rex giggling happily and banging a tiny fist against the wall. Jack smiled. But that faded when he saw the bloody near-corpse clawing to get inside.
"Holy fuck!" He scrambled out of bed and began furiously gathering his clothes. In his haste, he banged his right arm against a door jamb. "Fuck!"
"it's numb."
"Yeah, what the fuck?" He wiggled it around after making a frustrated sound in his throat. Alex jumped out of the cot and ran to him.
"You slept with it above your head." I grabbed the numb arm and dragged him to the middle of the room with Alex still attached at his waist. "Hold still." I stood him up straight and paced two fingers on either side of his neck. While trying to coax Rex away from the window, I massaged Jack's neck lightly.
