by Ami Urban
"Wow...this place is huge!" Alex handed the firefly to Rex and ran to the center of the room. The lights were still on. I could hear the faint hum of a generator coming from somewhere.
"Whoever was here left in a hurry," I said. Lisa approached the front desk.
"Hello!" Alex shouted. "Can you hear me? Hello?"
"What are you doing?" I stood next to her, taking in the dirty furniture and stained carpets.
"I'm trying to hear my echo."
"I found room keys." Lisa straightened from behind the front desk and held out two key cards. I grabbed Alex in a pretend choke-hold.
"All right. Come on, knuckleheads, let's get some rest."
"But I'm not tired!"
***
"Not tired, my ass." I shut the adjoining door to our room and clicked the lock shut. "That girl went out with the lights. Asleep before her head even hit the pillow."
"What if they need help?" Lisa was perched on the fluffy king bed. She'd showered and changed into clothes that must have been left behind.
"I told them to pound if they needed anything. But their door is locked and chained. They know not to go outside."
She nodded. I could sense something was weighing on her.
"what's wrong, beautiful?" I pushed her back onto the bed and went down on top of her. She smiled " which made my heart beat faster " and I pushed the hair out of her face with both hands.
"Now that I have you I'm scared."
"Go ahead."
She grabbed the hem of my shirt and pulled it up. I slipped it off and kissed her everywhere skin was showing.
"I had a plan."
"What do you mean?"
"I was going to get Rex to safety then end my life."
I sat up quickly. "What?"
She closed her eyes while shaking her head. "Shh. No. Try not to take that tone. Relax."
"Uh, how can I relax when you just told me you're gonna kill yourself?"
"Please listen, Jack."
I studied her face but said nothing.
"I didn't know how things would eventually turn out, but the odds of me being alive at the end of this are slim."
"You don't"
She put her index finger up. "Please. I need to finish. All I knew was that being a mother was all I had. I protect my son"s life until I can't anymore."
I fell down next to her. She turned and faced me with that stony expression again.
"But when you walked into our lives that all changed."
I allowed my hand to glide down to her hip.
"You make me want to stay alive, Jack."
Scooting close to her, I said, "I feel the same."
Lisa's head inched back slightly. "Well, I know that. Otherwise we wouldn't be having this conversation."
I rolled over and groaned while covering my eyes. "We were doing so well!"
"I'm sorry. I ruined the mood."
I turned back to her. "Well, yeah, but you can make up for it." My hand slid down to her hips again and this time, I slipped it between her legs. She was so soft and warm.
"What can I do?" Her eyes were closed.
"Say something sexy to me."
"Something sexy."
I stopped what I was doing as a smile spread across her face. Just that tiny gesture of trust and humor made my pulse rush.
"I can't believe it."
"that's about the second joke I've ever told."
"That I can believe."
She smiled at me for another moment before pulling me down for a kiss. But before her lips touched mine, she whispered, "I want you."
"You have me."
Making love to Lisa felt like second nature. It felt like I'd done it a hundred times before yet it was still new to me. I could read her body as if it were my own. I knew when she wanted me to kiss her and where. I knew when to tease her and when not to.
She was beautiful and sexy no matter what angle I looked at her from. But when she was on top of me was my favorite way to see her. Because I could see everything she had. Even beyond what was outside.
I took both her hands and laced my fingers with hers. Then I sat up so we were almost hugging while I was still inside her. When I let her hands go, she wrapped them around my shoulders. I kissed her below her ear.
"Why'd you stop?" Her question was short and breathy.
"Because I'm in love with you." My lips touched her skin as I whispered into her ear.
She made a funny noise in the back of her throat and squirmed a tiny bit. "Why...?"
I pulled her closer to me so we were still connected. The motion caused her to inhale sharply. "That's not exactly the response I was hoping for."
"I apologize." Her nails bit into the skin on my shoulders. She wanted to keep going and badly. "I don't know."
My fingertips caressed the back of her neck. Our bodies were so close that I swore our souls were touching.
"You don't know if you love me?"
"No, I...I don't know..."
I looked as deep into her as I could. "You haven't been unsure about anything so far. What's the matter?"
She bit her bottom lip. While it was the sexiest gesture I'd seen out of her, it meant something else at that moment. I could tell she was uncomfortable with not knowing.
"I don't know how much time we have."
I shrugged, pulling her closer and beginning to move again. "Who does?"
"Mmm...but what if I get bitten tomorrow?" Her questions became half questions as I laid back and let her do what she wanted.
"And what if I get eaten by a mountain lion tomorrow?"
"Cougar."
I would have rolled my eyes, but she was making me feel too good for that. "Well...then...what if I get...eaten by a cougar?" My grip on her hips tightened. We were both close. "So many things can...happen. Doesn't matter...if it's the end..."
"Oh...Jack..." She tossed her head back as pleasure rolled through our bodies.
"I don't think I'm ever gonna get used to that," I said as she flopped down next to me, her skin sparkling with sweat.
"What's that?"
"That you...you say my name during sex."
"I love you."
I rolled over and took her into my arms. "I know."
A sigh escaped her and she pushed me away with one hand. "Jack."
I laughed. "I'm sorry. I couldn't help it." I touched my lips to hers. "I love you."
She didn't smile on the outside, but it was there behind her eyes as she settled into me. Cuddling with her was odd at first because there was no discomfort. She always fit no matter what position we were in. I felt as though that was the biggest sign of fate I'd ever experienced.
Other women I'd been with had either been too skinny or had so much hair that I'd end up eating it at night. I even recalled one former girlfriend who'd eat chips or crackers in bed. I'd wake up to crumbs. Sometimes I'd have to clean them out of my ass.
"What are you laughing at?" Lisa asked.
"Marry me."
"I'm sorry?" She sat up on her elbow and watched me.
"let's get married."
"I think you and I both know that's not a good idea." She pulled the bedsheets up so they were covering her chest, but I pulled them down. She was too beautiful not to touch.
"Why not?"
The sarcastic laugh that escaped her stung. "it's the end of the world, Jack. I doubt anyone"s going to be handing out marriage licenses. Besides, we hardly know each other. I don't even know how many girlfriends you had before me."
"Three."
She cleared her throat. "Okay."
"So, marry me."
After a long pause, a sigh and averted gaze, she said, "No."
The words stung. They felt like hot knives in my belly. I felt the burn of tears welling behind my eyes, but I wasn't going to cry. Not in front of her. Then again, she'd already told me she loved me. She'd shown me a vulnerable side of herself that I don't think anyone else had seen. But I wanted more than that. I wanted a life part
ner, no matter how short that life might have been.
"I'm sorry."
I shook off the sorrow my heart had pumped into me and shrugged. "it's ok. But I'm going to keep asking you."
October 19
"Hey, Juliet. What are you doing up?" I didn't even need to stop what I was doing to see her out of the corner of my eye. Still clad in pajamas, she approached the car.
"What are you doing?" Once she got to the passenger side, she stood on tip toes to look into the engine.
"Well, there seems to be a hole in the brake line. Just can't tell which."
She climbed onto the bumper and peered inside. "How do you know there's a hole?"
I picked her up and moved her in front of me. While leaning against the hood, I pointed to the brake fluid reservoir.
"See this?"
"Yeah."
"It should be full. The fluid should hit this line here. If we run out of fluid, we're Biter Meat."
"So how do you find the hole?"
"Here." I picked up the spray bottle full of water I'd been using and gave it to her. "Spray around the reservoir until it's soaked."
She did as I told her.
"Now, do you see any bubbles anywhere?"
Alex leaned forward, searching all around for any sign of air. "No."
"Okay, then that means there's no problem here. Want to take the wheel?" I grinned at her deer in headlights look.
"You want me to drive?"
"I want you to get in and pump the brake while I'm under the car, ok?"
She nodded, hopping off the bumper and opening the driver"s side door while I got down on the ground to look for signs of leakage.
"Ready?" I held my hand up for her to see.
"Ready."
"Go." I motioned with my hand for her to pump the brakes. Then I waited. After a few seconds, a drip began to form under the passenger side. I gave Alex the OK and she jumped out of the car. When she got down on the ground with me, I showed her the leak.
"Time to jack it up," I said.
"Jack it up?" Alex's face scrunched into a ball. "My mom used to say that when she would get in fights."
I couldn't help but chuckle. "This is different."
"Time to Uncle Jack it up!" She hopped to her feet. Together, we went to the back of the van to find the spare tire. The jack was the simple part. All we had to do was wind the crank. But when I went down on my back and wiggled underneath the vehicle, Alex hesitated.
"How safe is that?"
I looked out at her. "You jacked it up. What do you think?"
Her brows knit together. "I don't know."
"Hey, I'm under here. I've done this a thousand times, Juliet. Nothin" to it but to do it."
Slowly, Alex got down on her knees and wiggled alongside me under the car.
"See? Told you there's nothing to worry about."
She smiled at me. "So what now?"
I handed her the spray bottle. "Same thing. See these two tubes here? Get them wet. No, get them wet, not me!"
Alex giggled while trying not to spray me in the face. We waited for air bubbles to form, but nothing came up.
"Okay, so it's not in the line itself."
"Is this one a head-scratcher?"
"Nope." I grumbled as I stood. My knee was giving off dull twinges of pain. "let's remove the wheel." I grabbed the wrench to remove the lug nuts, then I removed the tire and hubcap. I showed Alex how to stand on the wrench to loosen the lug nuts.
"Why do we have to do it this way?"
"Because..." I stomped once more to get the last bolt out. "If they aren't on tight enough, the wheel goes flyin'."
"Oh."
"Oh-kay, let's see..." I checked around the inside of the wheel until I could see some fluid dripping down the side. "Got it. Have to fix the cylinder."
Alex and I worked on fixing the small crack. Since we didn't have any new parts around, we just had to make do with a Band-Aid. At one point, Alex nicked her finger. As it began to bleed, I put a clean rag over it. I admit I was a bit panicked — asking her if she was okay over and over.
She smiled up at me. "don't worry. It doesn't hurt. And now my hands will look like yours!"
As much as her words warmed me to my core, I shot her a skeptical glance. "what's wrong with my hands?"
She dropped the rag and grabbed both my hands in hers. "they're all beat up."
I shrugged. I couldn't see anything wrong with them. Sure, there were a few scars here and there and they were dirty. But every mark told a story.
"they've been through a lot."
"I bet Aunt Lisa likes the way they feel." There was a devilish glint in Alex's eye.
"Whoa, now. Save that kind of talk for when you're twenty." We went back to work.
"I'm glad Aunt Lisa found you. She needs someone."
"Oh, yeah?" I pushed the sting of rejection away at the mention of her name. "Why do you say that?"
"She's lonely. She doesn't think I can tell, but I'm smarter than that."
"I see."
"I didn't like the way Rex's dad treated her."
We finished the repair and began to put the wheel back on. "Your mom liked to defend him. He sounded like a fine guy."
Alex scoffed. "She said that stuff because they were with each other behind Aunt Lisa's back."
Yikes. "No wonder she's afraid to commit."
"that's why I'm glad she found you." Alex smiled up at me. There was a spot of grease on her forehead. I grabbed the rag and rubbed it in.
"Go shower. Lisa will be up soon and you've got the mechanic look now."
From the Desk of Dr. Lisa James
October 19
I awoke to an empty hotel room. Jack wasn't asleep next to me nor was he in the bathroom. The early morning sun was streaming in through the curtains. The night before played over and over in my head. I felt as if I hand't done the right thing. But my head had never steered me wrong before.
The realization that I was in love with Jack took a weight off my shoulders. It had made me realize I was lonely. I'd been lonely for a long time. My plan of suicide was no longer in the works. I had people that needed me. On one hand, that was a blessing. On the other " a curse.
Every day I'd thought of suicide. What we were going through was not a life. That was my objective opinion. We were running. Constantly scared. Trying to stay alive. What kind of existence was that?
But then there was Jack. And Alex. And Rex. They counted on me to an extent. I knew there wasn't much I could offer, but perhaps my presence was enough support.
After putting on the clothes I'd found the night before, I stepped outside into the morning. There was a breeze, but the heat of the day could already be felt in the dry air. I was barefoot. The concrete was cool under me.
Jack was fiddling around under the hood of the brown van. Sweat beaded on his arms as he worked. My stomach felt as though it were doing flips inside me. I'd never had butterflies before.
"Hey." I leaned against one side of the car.
"Morning." He didn't look at me. All he did was take the rag that was slung over his shoulder and wipe from sweat from his brow.
"Would you like some coffee? there's actually still some of the instant"
"I'm okay, thanks."
For some reason, his short, curt answers began to hurt my feelings. "I apologize if I upset you last night, but I just don't think getting married is a good idea at the moment."
He stopped was he was doing and rested both hands on the front lip of the car, but he still wouldn't look at me. "I'd rather not talk about it."
"Keeping it inside really isn't healthy."
He went back to work. "Yeah, well that's how normal people do things."
That hurt. I wasn't expecting such a negative reaction from something that seemed so obvious to me. Neither of us said anything for some time. After a few long and intense moments, Jack stopped working abruptly after shooting me a glance out of the corner of his eye.
"Shit." He
sighed. "Look, I'm sorry. I've gotten used to being rejected my entire fucking life, but for some reason it hurts more coming from you."
"I understand."
He looked at me hard. I couldn't tell what he was thinking, but his features were stressed. "I don't think you do, Lisa." He tossed the rag down onto the engine. "You have great control over your emotions and reactions. I don't. Tons of people don't. I love you...Christ...you're so...perfect, but..."
"You don't know how badly I wanted to say yes."
He shut his mouth. I waited for him to speak, but nothing came out. Even I didn't know what to say at that moment.
"Then...why didn't you?" His tone was soft.
"Because I can't be that person who gets married only to have their spouse die in days or weeks. And neither can you."
He seemed to mull it over. "Life is about taking risks."
"You really call this a life?" I stretched out my arms, indicating the world around us.
A half smile appeared on his face, but his eyes looked through me to something else. "Yeah...I do." He came back from wherever he'd been with a serious expression. "Rex and Alex are amazing. they're great kids and I like spending time with them. And I love you. This is absolutely my life and...I wouldn't have it any other way. Because if it happened differently, I might not have met you all."
I felt his words weigh on me. It was incredibly sweet of him to have those feelings, but I still had to stick to my decision. I went to him and put my arms around his middle.
"That makes me happy."
He hugged me back, then pulled away to look into my eyes. "I'm glad."
"Will you come inside and have coffee?"
"Will you marry me?"
"No."
He nodded, but smiled as he picked me up and pinned me against the van. "I bet you a thousand dollars I get you to say yes."
The way he was looking at me and the heat of his body caused mine to react. His arms were so strong yet gentle. Rex was happy when he was around. Our intimacy had a deep connection and he was extraordinary in bed.
"I knew it."
The words startled me out of my thought coma. "I'm sorry?"
"You're totally ready to go." He lowered his voice to a tone that vibrated through my entire body.
"No. I'm fine."
His hand moved from the side of the van to my arm. Fingertips brushed my skin until they reached the hem of my shirt. As he slid it underneath my clothes and over my bare skin, he learned forward.
