by BT Urruela
Irish shoots a glance at Paige, who’s picking at her own breakfast right next to me. I get the feeling there’s something they have to say to me. Brandi is still comatose in the bedroom upstairs.
He takes a swig of his coffee and clears his throat. “So, you know you need to go see your sister, right, bro?”
“Yeah, I will, man. I figure I’m gonna stay here with Paige awhile and get used to being out.” I pull her in close, but I notice she won’t look at me. “Is everything cool here?”
“Of course, babe,” she mumbles.
“Yeah, here’s the thing, man. We only ever scratched the surface with your sister. I didn’t realize how much you’ve been hurting over that situation. Since you’ve been away, and since Brandi and I started seeing each other, Paige and I have gotten really close. She’s like a little sister to me now. So we’ve talked a lot about you… a whole lot. Both before and after, you know, we knew everything.”
He takes another long swig of his coffee.
“I’ve been keeping tabs on your sister. She’s out of the military now. Back home in Wyoming…” He looks at Paige and then at me. He hesitates and then says, “Your sister’s in some trouble, bro.”
“How so?”
“Well, as massive as the military community is in numbers, it’s actually pretty tight. I’ve got some buddies that served with her. A few buddies that still talk to her. I knew you didn’t fucking murder anyone. I knew you didn’t do that shit, bro. So I wanted to keep an eye on her for you. For when the system got their shit together.”
“So how is she in trouble?” My concern is growing with each second he puts it off. I may not have seen my sister in twenty something years, but I love her. I love her with all my heart.
“She got out of the military on some sketchy grounds. An MST from a higher-up.”
“Huh? That’s Chinese to me, man.”
“MST means Military Sexual Trauma, and a higher-up means, in this case, an officer and she was enlisted.”
“Fuck.”
“Yeah, that’s not the worst of it, unfortunately. They didn’t believe her. Gave her some shit position in the middle of nowhere. She got fed up and discharged. She moved back near her hometown in Wyoming. Started running with the wrong crowd, dealing heroin and arms and shit. It’s just not looking good, man.”
He nods his head to Paige.
“Paige and I have talked a lot about it since we found out you were being released. We think you need to go see her… the sooner, the better. Paige has to stay down here with her Dad and take care of him, but I think you know that. We will all be up to visit soon though, my brother. I promise you that.”
I know he’s right, but the thought of not being with Paige makes me sick. How can I ever be expected to spend more time away from her than I already have?
“We know it’s the last thing you wanna do. We don’t want your ass to leave either, but we also know this thing with your sister is really important. And we want you to see her”—he looks to the table and swallows hard—“before it’s too late.”
“Xander.” Paige takes my hand in hers, squeezing it. She’s not often soft spoken, but in this moment, it’s hard to even hear her.
“I want nothing more than to go with you, and I’d love nothing more than for you to stay. But neither is possible. It’s the hardest thing in the world sending you away. But the thing is, you have to go. If—God forbid—something happens, I don’t want you to regret not seeing her again”
The reality of it all settles in my gut, making me feel sick.
“How am I supposed to get there? They impounded my truck a long time ago.”
“I’ve got an extra Harley. It’s now your Harley.”
“Are you serious?”
“As a heart attack.”
“What about Rowdy?” I ask, petting his head as he nuzzles in.
“Brandi and I have really grown to love him over the past few years. We definitely don’t mind watching him for you.”
I pat Rowdy’s head and he nuzzles in close. I don’t want to say goodbye, but I know I need to. I will regret it the rest of my life if something happens to her before I can see her again. I’ll blame myself. I have no option.
I kiss Paige on her forehead, breathing in her scent before pulling away. I gaze into her beautiful blue eyes and get lost in them. Tears begin to roll down her cheeks.
“I love you, Paige.”
“I love you, Xander. So much.”
Two months ago Xander left for Wyoming to see his sister. We’ve talked every day since then, but god how I need his touch. Especially now as I feel myself slipping further and further into the nothing.
That’s why the four of us are hitting the road to Wyoming, me in my Chevelle with Brandi and Rowdy, and Chase on his Harley.
Of course, that’s not the only reason we’re on the road. My desperate need to see Xander is matched by an equally desperate need to get away from Truman Valley… forever. I have nothing left here. No one. The only thing I have left are these people. Without them, I would crumble.
It’s been a month since I read the note. I knew just what it was when I saw it taped to the front door, though I didn’t want to believe it at the time… I still don’t. It told me not to go inside, but who listens to something like that? Father, mother, sister, brother, it doesn’t matter. You read a letter like that from family and you’re going inside. No matter what it says.
Sometimes though, I wish I hadn’t gone in. Sometimes I wish I’d listened to his words of warning. Then other times I wonder if I would’ve regretted having not seen him one last time… even with the way he looked.
I don’t blame Dad for hanging himself. There are many times I want to do the same thing. He’d been holding onto a lot of guilt, and all he ever did was grieve.
He gave up a long time ago.
I want to give up too… but I don’t. I need Xander and he needs me. We’re all each other has, two broken souls fused together. He was made for me, and only he can get me through this. It’s just so damn hard sometimes. I’m always so sad. Always mourning. I hope beyond hope my love for Xander can change that. I hope his touch brings my heart back to life.
This is my life now. My entire family is gone. Xander is my home.
Xander is my only fucking home.
Thank you, first and foremost, to my readers. Without you, I would never be able to live out these dreams. If you had asked me five years ago—hell, even three years ago—if I thought I’d have people that actually wanted to read my work, I would’ve probably burst out laughing. To have your support, your appreciation, and your love means the world to me. A thousand thank yous wouldn’t be enough.
A big thank you to my BTU Beta Babes: Angela, Nikki, Jenn, Cat, Barbara, Stefanie, Jen, Jennifer, Amy, Amanda, Holly, Cara, Kristen, and Lucy. What can I even say that would do you all justice? People scoffed when I took on fifteen betas. They thought it would be too much. I’m happy you all proved them horribly wrong! This book would not be what it is today without your insight, your passion, and your support. You added so many different elements to this book and to the writing process in general. Just know that I am extremely grateful and I look forward to working with you for a long time to come.
Thank you Pops, Britto, and Bradford. Ten long years I’ve fought this battle and you have always been there. You’ve never left me to fend for myself. I’m thankful, each and every day, to have you guys in my life. I may not have a lot of family, but I have as much as I’ll ever need. I love you!
To my friends who are pretty much family: Krotch, Rob, Josh, Andrew, Johnson, Randy, Belch, Beth, Stevie, Harvey, Jenn, Jennifer, Gideon, Michael, and Wills. You all mean so much to me. The time we spend together is always a riot and incredibly fulfilling. To have friends like you is to truly know what life is all about. You watch my six and I watch yours. When I’m feeling down, I remember you guys and how much our friendship means to me. You all are the best friends a guy could ever ask for. Love ya’l
l.
A special thank you to Chris with CJC Photography, cover model Gideon Connelly, and Marisa with Cover Me Darling for capturing exactly what I was looking for with this cover. Chris, not only is your work incredible, but you have become a fast friend I have truly come to respect, appreciate and admire. Thanks for being so awesome, down to earth, and supportive. Gideon, bro, what can I say? You came in at the absolute last minute and you crushed it. I consider you a true friend and coming through like that really showed me a lot. Not only that, but you took who I thought Xander was going to be and made him a million times better. You, sir, are going far and I’m so excited to watch your ascent. Your dedication is second to none and something I have been inspired by and impressed with since day one. Keep doing you, brother. Sky’s the limit. Marisa, you never cease to amaze me. Your talent is undeniable. I have never seen someone create so much raw emotion with covers. I’m happy to have found my designer for life. Well, you and my girl, Cassy, over at Pink Ink Designs. I can’t forget her. Thank you both for inspiring all these stories through a simple Facebook group.
Golden, I can’t forget about you. We’ve been on this fun ride together with our separate solo releases and watching your incredible success in the writing realm has been a real pleasure. You’ve been nothing but supportive since I met you and just know that I appreciate it very much. As for the news today about the Journeyman Series spin-off, I could not be more honored. Thank you for including me in such an amazing project!
Harper, from the get go, I knew two things about you: one, you are the best person in the world to party with, and two, you are loyal to the end for those you care about. I’m so happy that our relationship didn’t just end at author and cover model. I genuinely value our friendship, admire your immense success and tireless work ethic, and appreciate the amount of support you give. There is absolutely no one in this world quite like Harper Sloan! I love ya, lady.
Kirby, you’re always there when I need you. You always have the right advice and you couldn’t be sweeter when having to help my rookie writing ass. I love the stories we create together and can’t wait to continue the journey!
A very special thank you to Michelle, Jake, and all the Threshers for opening up your home, your arms, and your hearts to me. I miss David every single day, but to be able to see you guys, to be able to spend time with you and watch little Jake grow up…it’s everything. I CANNOT wait to watch Jake play high school ball!
To David, you’ve been here all along. You guide me when I’m lost, comfort me when I’m down, and empower me when I’m struggling. I’ve mourned you since you left us, but I’m comforted in knowing you’re watching over me, Michelle, and Jake. I’m so glad we could finally share that beer. It only took ten years! You will never be forgotten for as long as I live. Rest in peace, sir.
Last, but certainly not least, thank you to my Lord, for showing me the way. He never left my side even when I left His. He lifts me when I’m down and humbles me when I get too sure of myself. I’m forever grateful for my second chance at life. I owe everything to Him and I will never forget that.
BT Urruela is a former US Army Infantryman originally from St Louis, Missouri. In 2006, while conducting combat operations in Baghdad, he lost his leg to a roadside bomb. Upon retirement, BT co-founded the non-profit organization, VETSports, and became a USA Today Bestselling romance novelist.
Other Books
A Lover’s Lament (co-written with KL Grayson)
