by Dixon, Ruby
My sister lets herself be pulled out of my grip, and she swipes at her eyes. "Right. Sure." She casts a wary look at Vaan and then gives me another impulsive hug. "I'm sorry I've been such a bitch."
"You haven't," I protest, shocked. "Dee, you've been through such a hard time. I would never—"
"I would," Mara says dryly. "Dee's been a bitch and you've had your head up your ass," she says to me, steering my sister away. "And your dragon's crazy. Your blonde friend wants to play hide the sausage with the other dragon and he's just weird. I think we're all caught up now. So, where can we go that’s quiet? There’s a lot of people staring at us." She offers me a chipper smile that seems crazy white in her dirty face. "Library? Storage?"
"Our room," Daniela says, and doesn't seem fazed by Mara's blunt language. She reaches a hand out to me, and for the first time since her kidnapping, she looks vulnerable instead of bitter and angry. I hurt for her, so much.
But my loyalties are torn. I look at Vaan and hope my sister doesn't feel like I'm choosing him over her. It's just…it's a different kind of choosing entirely. I can love my sister and love Vaan, and I hope they both realize that.
"No one wants to play hide the sausage," Andi declares suddenly behind me, her face beet red. "Jesus."
Daniela snort-giggles and it's the first laugh I've heard her make since she returned, scarred and broken. My own laugh bubbles up, and it turns into a sob.
A warm hand clasps the back of my neck and Vaan pulls me against him.
"Come on. I have a feeling we need some family therapy before this all gets settled," Mara says, and links her arm with Daniela's. Liam glances over at Andi, who lifts her chin and follows behind Mara and Dee. After a moment, he falls into step, and then it's just me and Vaan.
Well, me and Vaan and a dozen nosy Fort Shreveporters who are probably dying to know what the hell's going on. I smile at everyone, wiping the tears from my eyes. "Relax, everyone. It's all right. I promise."
I hope I'm not lying.
* * *
"Everyone sit," Mara says as we enter the room I've shared with Andrea and my sister for the last few years. She makes herself at home, pulling up a metal folding chair and sitting in the corner. Daniela goes to her bed and sits, cross legged, her fingers brushing against the scars on her cheeks. Andrea drops down on her own bed, and Liam sits on the floor beside her. They aren't touching, but it's close, and I wonder what happened between them while I was gone to make the sparks fly.
Vaan moves to my bed as if it’s his own, never letting go of my hand. He pulls me down with him and then sprawls in careless masculine beauty on top of the covers, and I find myself artfully nudging a bit of blanket over his loins as I settle in next to him.
"Okay, good." Mara clasps her hands in front of her. "Let's have ourselves a little therapy session, shall we? Because I feel communication has been breaking down between all of you, and in order for this family to function, we need to make sure that we are all honest with our emotions. Got it?" She looks at Andi, then Daniela, then me. "Who wants to start?"
"I'll start," Andi says and scowls at Mara. "Who died and put you in charge?"
"No one. I'm just an impartial observer." Mara doesn't seem ruffled by Andi's attitude. "And since you're beginning with an attack, we're going to skip you." She turns toward Daniela, ignoring Andrea's miffed sound of annoyance. "Why don't you start first, Dee?" Her voice is surprisingly gentle and she smiles at my sister. "You and I have chatted a little. Tell your sister how you're feeling."
"Abandoned," my sister chokes out.
It feels like a dagger twisting in my heart. "I never meant to leave you, Dee."
Tears run down her face, making the awful, awful scars on her cheeks shine. She's still lovely despite everything, and it hurts me because I wanted so much more for her. "You might not have meant it, but you still left, Gwen. You left when I needed you. I know I pushed you away. I know I was a bitch, but I needed to know you were here for me, even if I wasn't ready to reach out."
Everything she says is the truth and it hurts. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know what to do except to tackle problems. I didn't know how to fix you, but I knew how to fix the dragon outside the city, so I went to him."
"He didn't need you," Daniela exclaims.
Not need me? No one needs me more than Vaan. Dee is hurting and lost right now, but she has an entire fort to help support her. Andi will be a shoulder to lean on. Cass, Luz, Gemma, and any of the other girls will do whatever she needs. Heck, even Mara, who didn't know anyone but me before yesterday, has formed a friendship with my lovely, broken sister. It's evident in the way that Mara reaches over and squeezes Daniela's shoulder. My sister's always been good at making friends. "You're wrong," I say in the gentlest tone I can. "Vaan needs me. So, so much."
I look over at my dragon.
"Kissss mmme," he rumbles, his hand going to my hair.
I blush at his timing. "Not now," I whisper.
"I'd tell you two to get a room, but we're already in it," Mara says dryly.
Andi clears her throat. "Why not now?" When I look over at her in confusion, she gestures to Vaan, lounging next to me on my bed. "You told him not now. Why not now? Why do you keep putting him off when I thought the whole goal was for you to bond with him? To tame him and bring him over to our side? Wasn't that the point?"
Her impatience irritates me. I know she means well, and I know Andi would never intentionally hurt my feelings, but sometimes her bull-in-a-china-shop method of dealing with things doesn't work. "You think all I have to do is lie back and spread my legs, but it is just not that simple!"
"Why not?" she asks, lifting her chin. "I'm pretty sure that's exactly how it works, so why not, Gwen?"
"Because I don't want to ruin his life like I did Daniela's," I snap out before I can think about it.
Dee gasps. The room goes utterly silent. Vaan's claws gently massage my scalp and he holds me closer, as if sensing I need comfort. I can't look anyone in the eye. I shouldn't have said anything. I rub my brow, frustrated at my own words.
"You think you ruined my life?" My sister's voice is small.
I look over at her, and I know I'm going to start crying again. Shit. I blink rapidly, doing my best to fight back more stupid tears, because they don't solve anything and all they do is make it difficult to speak coherently. "We both know I did, Dee. I was the one that let the Brothers of Ash into the fort. I didn't act fast enough to stop them, and I didn't get a rescue to you fast enough. It's my poor leadership that got you into this mess, so yes, it is my fault. It's all my fault. I didn't protect you like I should have."
"Oh Gwen," Andi murmurs, shaking her head.
Daniela looks shocked at my words. Her eyes soften and a faint, tremulous smile curves her mouth even as she draws her knees up against her chest and hugs them. "You're all wrong, Gwen. All wrong. I love you, sis. I'm not mad at you. I'm angry and I'm hurting, but I've never been mad at you. I know you tried. Heck, everyone here has told me all about how hard you tried to save me while making sure everyone at the fort wasn't in danger. I know you had to juggle saving your sister versus saving people here at the fort. If it was me, I'd have probably made the same decisions, no matter how difficult. No one's ever envied you being in charge. We know it's a thankless task." She shakes her head. "I know I haven't been the same as I was. I know I've been angry, but it's not at you. I'm mad at the bastards that hurt me and treated me like I was just another toy to be broken." She touches the fresh scars on her cheeks and then looks at me. "But I've never been mad at you. If it seemed like I was lashing out, I'm sorry."
"Oh my god, don't apologize," I exclaim, moving forward on the bed to sit on the edge. I want to go and hug the sadness and hurt out of her eyes, but I don't dare leave Vaan's side. "Never apologize, Dee. I know you're hurting. I should have reached out to you more. I just didn't know how."
"You've had your own problems to worry about," my sister says, looking over at Vaan.
"But
they shouldn't take away from yours—"
Mara cuts in with a wave of her hand. "Okay, great. Everyone's sorry that they had their heads inserted in their rectums. I think we've established that. You love your sister," she says, pointing at Daniela. Then she points at me. "And you love your sister. Fantastic. Let's move on." She gives me a piercing look, her eyes bright in the mask of dirt she wears. "What are you plans now, Gwen?"
"Plans?" I'm still reeling from my sister's confession. Despite all her bitterness, she's never blamed me. I feel like a load has been lifted off my shoulders. I wasn't there for her when she needed me most, and she still loves me. I want to hug her to my chest and stroke her hair—like Vaan's stroking mine right now—and I'm a little irked at Mara's brusque change of topics. "What plans?"
"You and the dragon? Do I need to accompany this with hand gestures?" She makes a circle with her fingers and pierces it with another in a remarkably crude gesture I've only seen Andi's brother Benny do when he's among his other friends.
My face gets really hot and I'm acutely aware of Vaan's nakedness and the subtle tension in his body, because he's smart. I'm pretty sure he figured out Mara's gesture and what she's asking as she looks at me. "I-I don't know."
Andrea makes an exasperated sound, smacking her forehead with her palm. "Here we go again. Why don't you know, Gwen?"
"Because it's not simple," I say automatically.
"Why isn't it simple?" Her brows furrow together as she looks from me, to Vaan, to me again. "He loves you. You love him."
I can't speak. No words rise to mind. Anything I want to say immediately lodges in my throat. It should be simple. It should be…but it doesn't feel simple.
"Is it because he's a dragon?" Mara asks. "Because he's crazy?"
"He's not crazy," I retort. "You just don't understand him. There's nothing wrong with him."
"So the problem's with you."
I stare at her in surprise. It feels too much like the truth, and it hurts. It feels like a knife wound and everyone's prying at it in an attempt to heal, but all it's doing is making the pain worse. "I don't want to ruin his life."
"Seems to me like me he's pretty eager to have it ruined," Liam says, speaking up for the first time.
Andi throws her hands up in the air at my words. "Let me guess, because you ruined everyone's lives here, right?" Before I can agree, she gestures at Dee. "Like you ruined hers. Heck, you probably ruined Mara's, too, right?"
"She did have her dragon kill my protector," Mara chimes in, all sweetness.
"I—" I begin.
"You haven't ruined anything," Andrea continues, fired up in my defense. She puts her feet back on the ground and leans forward, her expression intense. "You organized those of us that wanted to leave Fort Tulsa behind. You kept us all together when we left that place and made sure we were armed and safe. When people got scared, you held their hands and told them it would be all right. You were the first one to think we could make a fort of our own, and you've welcomed everyone here with open arms."
"And look where that got us," I tell her bitterly. "I let in the Brothers of Ash. I even let in a dragon. Two dragons," I say, gesturing at Liam. "That doesn't seem like I'm a very good leader."
"No one could have done better than you, Gwen. No one. The only reason why Amy's stepping up as leader is because you don't want it." Andrea gives me a firm look. "Everyone here would still follow you no matter where you went. We trust you and we love you."
"We know that even when things get bad, you're doing your best to make them better," Daniela adds. "You always have."
Tears flood my eyes and the knot in my throat is so thick I can't speak.
"So again," Andi says. "Why haven't you mated him?"
I lick my lips and the words that come out are the softest of whispers. "I don't feel worthy."
"Oh Gwen," Dee says softly, and I'm ashamed at the sympathy in her voice. "No one deserves love more than you. No one blames you for anything. I promise."
"You're just punishing yourself," Andi agrees. “You’re still my big sis.”
“And my real sis,” Daniela chimes in.
Their loving support makes my heart warm. I don't deserve such wonderful friends. I sniff and swipe at my eyes, because I'm pathetic. "He was supposed to be yours," I tell Andrea.
She snorts. "He was never mine. He was always coming for you. I just didn't realize it."
Liam looks over at Andrea, and I see a flash of dark jealousy flare black in his golden eyes, but it quickly fades and he assumes his neutral expression once more as he glances over at me. "If you think you're unworthy, you can atone by saving that dragon next to you from the Salorians trying to steal his mind."
"Don't wait any longer," Andi agrees. "He needs you, and I think you need him."
It feels weird to have an entire group of people encouraging me to have sex. Weirder still, I know they're right. I've been stalling out of my own sense of guilt and shame over what's happened at the fort and to my sister, and I allowed that to put Vaan in danger.
I love him, and my hesitation's hurting him. "I won't wait. Tonight," I promise.
"What's wrong with right now?" Mara tilts her head and regards me. "I've been around you two for a while. I know there's not an issue with attraction."
Andrea giggles. My sister does, too.
Jeez, way to front me out. Still, I can't be mad, not when my sister's smiling and looks happier than she's been in a long time. I should thank Mara for this hokey family therapy session. It seems like we're getting all of the pent-up frustration out in the air and this can only mean good things. "It's daylight," I tell them. "We just had breakfast."
"Well, if you get a leg cramp, just remember to go slow. That's what my swim coach always told me."
"Har de har," I mutter.
"Just do it," Andi says, getting to her feet. "It's never too early for good, toe-curling sex. We can leave and tell everyone not to bother you guys for a while."
I'm not going to blush. I'm not going to blush. I'm not going to blush.
I look over at Vaan, whose eyes are whirling a contented gold. As if he can sense what I'm thinking, the look on his face grows speculative and he slides his hand up and down my arm in an almost-petting motion that makes my body respond. "Everyone will know what we're doing. Everyone in the fort." It sounds like a silly protest, even to me, because the longer I stare at Vaan, the easier it seems to just crawl into bed with him and shut out the world.
Mara rolls her eyes. "Everyone here's already seen his dick. It's not like he's hiding anything. Why should you?"
"Okay, fine!" This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had. "We'll have sex!"
"Right now," Andi insists.
"Right now," I agree.
"Then we should go," Mara says, getting to her feet as well. Her expression is pleased. "Unless someone else has something they need to discuss with the group?"
No one speaks. They're all grinning, though, and I can feel myself blushing. There's no reason to be embarrassed, I tell myself. Everyone has sex. I'm not a virgin. Andi's not either. My sister…says she’s a virgin, but the defeated look in her eyes makes me worry. The thought makes the guilt rush through me again, only to have Dee move to my bed and hug me, her arms around my neck.
"Love you, sis," she tells me, and then gives my forehead a friendly kiss. "We'll talk more later, all right? Right now, you do what you've gotta do."
I squeeze her hand. "Thanks, Daniela. I love you, too."
"So much love, I could just puke," Mara says cheerfully. "So when's lunch around this place?"
"Come on," Dee tells Mara, detangling herself from my grip. "I'll show you who to talk to when you need to raid the communal pantry between food times." My sister casts me one last fragile smile, and then she leaves with Mara, who's still as filthy as ever and continues to wear her dirty rags as if they're armor.
Liam leaves, but Andi lingers behind for a moment, a thoughtful expression on her face.
"How do you suppose she knew to bring us all in and make us talk?" She looks curious. "What's in this for her?"
I think about Mara. The Mara I met on the first day seems to be changing on a regular basis. I thought she was one of those weak, flighty things that sticks like glue to the biggest man they can find in order to keep themselves safe, but the longer I know her, the more layers are presented. She's smart and clever. I don't know if she's trustworthy, but she's definitely sharp. I don't know what her end-game is either, but right now I'm just glad my sister has a buddy to distract her from her own problems. "Maybe she sat in on a lot of family therapy in the Before and knows a lot about it."
"Or maybe she's smart enough to know that it benefits her if we all get along." Andi shoots me a shrewd look. "Whatever it is, it's interesting." She shrugs. "She's harmless, if smelly. Maybe I should hint that we prefer cleanliness at this fort."
"She'll clean up when she feels safe," I tell her, amused. "That dirt's armor, right? At least, that's what I figured."
"Don't know, don't care as long as she stays upwind." Andi turns back to me and points. "Now, you do what you need to do. Save him. Save yourself. Blow jobs all around. Whatever. Just quit tearing yourself down thinking that you aren't worthy of love. There's no one better or more loyal than you. If I was a dragon, I'd be all over you."
I laugh, because my friend is ridiculous and I love her. "Thanks, Andrea."
She winks at me and then closes the door behind her.
35
GWEN
Finally, everyone's gone and then it's just me and Vaan alone in the room. I remain utterly still where I am, half waiting for someone to peek into the room and suggest something else, but it's silent, and as the minutes tick past, I realize we are alone. Really, truly alone.
I take a deep, shuddering breath. I've put this off for long enough, haven't I? I look over at Vaan, who’s watching me with concerned eyes. "I hope I'm enough for you," I murmur to him. I can't shake the feeling that I'm not worthy, but I think of my sister and her reassurances and I feel a little better. I'm loved. Even if I did screw things up, I tried. Having Dee's support means everything. Knowing that we're still family, still loved. I take a deep, steeling breath and realize that for the first time, I feel truly free to love Vaan. That maybe I'm not the anchor that brings him down and makes his madness worse.
