by Jamie Pope
“I found it when we were moving things out of your place. I had them turn it into a keychain so you can always have it with you.”
Her chest heaved painfully. She fell all the way in love with him that moment. She had been fighting it for weeks, but it was no use. He wouldn’t let her not love him. He was doing everything possible to make her love him.
She left the couch and threw her arms around him, crying a little harder than before. He hugged her tightly. “You like it? I was nervous about giving it to you.”
“Why? It’s the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me.”
“I didn’t want you to think that I was trying to replace your memories of her. I know how upset you were that night. I wanted to make it a little better.”
“You’re better to me than I think I deserve.”
“No, I’m not.” He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her. It was the first time their lips had met, which seemed insane. They had shared a bed. He had seen her naked body. He had been with her in her toughest moments yet this was the first time. She shut her eyes. His lips were warm and smooth. The kiss was soft at first, but it was intense. Her heart started to race. Her body went slack, all thoughts in her head stopped. His kiss felt like coming home. His kiss felt like comfort and warmth and safety. His kiss made her want to remove all barriers between them. His kiss was the kiss. She didn’t think she would ever experience one like it again with anyone else. She would probably never be in love like this again.
“Damn it.” He broke this kiss, his eyes still half closed. “You can’t kiss me like that.”
“You kissed me.”
“I know.” He kissed the corner of her lips and then across her jawline. “But I was hoping your lips would be dry and nasty and that you would stand there like a dead fish. You aren’t supposed to kiss me with everything inside of you.”
“Why?” She found herself smiling.
“Because my fears have come true. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop kissing you.”
He kissed her again, but there was more heat behind it this time, more power. His tongue swept into her mouth, his hands slipped under the T-shirt he had given her to sleep in.
She had missed him this week. She had purposely stayed away, kept herself busy because she knew it would be too easy to go upstairs and see him. Each day she had spent with him she had fallen more in love. Being in love wasn’t good for her. For her love never lasted forever. People weren’t forever.
She had always thought that. She had held on to that to prevent anyone from getting too close.
But Arden had been in her life for so long. And Detective Rodgers. They both loved her. Maybe, possibly, love wasn’t fleeting. Love could stay around, but she didn’t want to get her hopes up.
Her heartbreak would be just as intense as her love for him.
He wiped the remaining tears from her face just as there was a knock at the door. “It’s probably the doorman with the food. Go make yourself comfortable.”
* * *
Julian walked toward the door still feeling her kiss. He had waited so long for that moment. He had never waited this long to kiss a woman. He had never waited so long to take one to bed, but her kiss was worth it. Her kiss made him feel things that he had never felt before. Her kiss confused the hell out of him. He wanted more of them. More of her.
He couldn’t stay away.
He opened the door to see Regina standing on the other side of it. He quickly stepped outside and shut it behind him. “Regina . . . What are you doing here?”
“I stopped by your office and your assistant told me you had an emergency and you left early. You never leave early so I was concerned and thought I would check on you. Is everything okay?”
“It will be. The doorman didn’t tell me you were here.”
“He just let me up. I have been coming here for years. He told me that there was a woman staying in your brother-in-law’s apartment. I thought it was your sister at first. But I should have known better. She’s in there, isn’t she? The girl? She was your emergency.”
He nodded. “I’m not sure this is a good time to talk.”
“When is? Every time I see you you’re with her.”
“I’m not sure what to say to you. There’s nothing left for us,” he said softly. “I’m sorry. I handled this wrong. This isn’t like the other times.”
“I just don’t understand. You went from wanting to spend the rest of your life with me to being completely done. And I only think it’s because you met this girl.”
“We’re friends.”
“Don’t tell me you are friends with her. I saw the way you were looking at her that night of the party. There’s no way you are just friends. Don’t you dare insult my intelligence.”
“I didn’t say we were just friends. But we are friends. She’s my best friend, Regina. It’s not about sex or power or trying to climb some stupid ladder. We’re there for each other.”
“Are you saying I’m not there for you?”
“Yes, and I wasn’t there for you, either. We are intimate strangers. You have never let your guard down with me. I haven’t even seen you without makeup.”
“Are you saying this is my fault?”
“No. I’m not blaming you. But at some point, one of us had to be the one to end this, to realize that this isn’t going anywhere. Even if we ignored everything that was wrong with us and got married, do you think we would be happy five years down the road?”
“You can’t say that we won’t be. We both enjoy the finer things in life. We can debate anything. We can move up together in this world.”
“But would you still love me if I went broke? Would you have looked at me twice if I didn’t work at that law firm? If I had tried to be with you as a football player, would you have accepted me?”
She opened her mouth to speak but no words came out.
“What if I never even made it to the pro’s? What if I was a cop? Or a teacher? Or a limo driver? Would you still want me then?”
“Don’t talk about what-ifs. There are no what-ifs. There is only what is.”
“The answer is no.”
“So, you think that girl would love you with nothing? You’re throwing this away for her? Let me be the first to tell you that she would disappear within the blink of an eye if you didn’t have all this. The fact that she weaseled her way into your home already should give you a clue. How could you be so stupid? I can build you up. She will only bring you down.”
“This isn’t about her. This was never about her. This is about you and me.” And he knew without a doubt that Sunny would be there for him if he were poor. She would give him her last dollar. She would take care of him. Not just physically, but emotionally. There weren’t many things he was sure of, but he was sure of her.
“I don’t believe you.”
“What if I told you I wanted to move out of the city? That I wanted to give this all up for a simpler life. That I wanted a big family with lots of kids and a big dog? Could you do that for me?”
“Are you insane? I worked too damn hard to get where I am to give it up for some man.”
“Some man? I would be the man you married. Your husband. Your life partner. And I’m not asking you to give up anything. You would still have your company. I would be asking you to build a different kind of life. But in the end, I know you wouldn’t be happy so I wouldn’t ask that of you. But if we can’t weather small changes, I can’t see how we could get through major ones.”
“I don’t believe that you want to give all of this up.”
“I’m not sure what I want.” He was quiet for a moment. He was on track to become partner. That meant more power. More prestige. That would mean he finally made it and no one could doubt his skills or call him a token ever again. “But I do want a family someday. I want to be closer to my family. And I want a wife who wants to give me children. Those things are very important to me.”
The door creaked open and Sunny appeared wrapped in t
he bathrobe that he kept in the guest bathroom. “I’m so sorry to interrupt,” she said quietly. “The doorman called up. The food is here. I’m going to go down and get it and then I’m going to stay downstairs. You shouldn’t have this conversation in the hallway. Regina deserves more than that.”
“No. Absolutely not. I don’t want you to be alone tonight.”
“I’m fine. You’ve done enough for me today.” She touched his cheek and then seemed to have thought better of it. “Thank you for everything.”
He watched her get on the elevator and everything inside of him screamed not to let her go.
“She’s been crying,” Regina said.
“Yes. One of her clients killed herself. Sunny was the one to find her body and her son. I had to pick her up from the hospital today. She was covered in blood.”
“That’s terrible.”
“She has a very tough job. She tries to save everyone and never thinks about taking care of herself.”
“She’s one of those altruistic do-gooders. Your sister told me that you once were thinking of becoming a civil rights attorney. Fighting for the little guy instead of getting people with too much money on their hands out of scrapes. She said you’d almost forgotten what it was like to be with normal people and she wasn’t sure you were better for it. She was taking a dig at me. But there was truth in what you said. Maybe you don’t have it in you to build an empire. Not because you’re not capable, but because you’re not hungry enough for it.”
But he was hungry for it. Or he had been. Just a little while ago. He was so damn confused. “Is that why you said no to me the first time I asked you?”
She shook her head. “I’m not exactly sure why I said no. I wanted you to love me. I wanted it to be different, but maybe I wanted something I knew that you could never give me.” She started walking away and he saw the hurt in her eyes; even though it was hidden well, the hurt was there and he didn’t like that he was the one who caused it.
“I’m sorry, Regina.”
“I am too.” The elevator came and she got on it and as soon as the doors closed Julian ran down the four flights of stairs to Sunny’s apartment. She was standing in the kitchen in front of the large bag of food she had just brought up.
“What are you doing here? I thought you were talking to her.”
“We’re done. There’s nothing left to say.”
“You didn’t have to come down. I would have been fine.”
“I’m here. I’m not going away.”
She nodded and he could feel that whatever they had upstairs before Regina came was gone.
* * *
Julian kept his word and stayed with her that evening. She hadn’t wanted him to stay. She felt like he was doing it out of obligation, because she had cried and showed him her most vulnerable side. He had felt sorry for her and that was the last thing she wanted from him.
She had just started to feel . . . feel . . . she couldn’t describe the way she was feeling about them. She loved him. Her body wanted to be near him. Her heart couldn’t help but to feel connected to him. Then Regina showed up and it felt like someone had thrown cold water in her face. She hadn’t heard much of their conversation. Only muffled voices through the door and when the doorman called, she had stood rooted to her spot for a few minutes, afraid to get any closer, afraid that she would be infringing on their privacy. But she knew she shouldn’t be there while he was speaking to the woman he had been planning to marry. She knew she was in the way; that he wouldn’t be able to fully engage with Regina if any part of him was focused on her on the other side of the door.
So she left, but he followed her not ten minutes after and they ate dinner together and they watched funny movies and they chatted about the most inane things but nothing lifted her spirits.
She had pretended for him because she didn’t want him to feel obligated to her anymore. She had sent him upstairs around eleven, claiming exhaustion, but she couldn’t sleep that night. Because every time she closed her eyes she saw that bloody, terrified little boy and his lifeless mother, naked and half submerged in a tub of water. And when she wasn’t thinking about them, she was looking at the pained looks on Julian’s and Regina’s faces when she walked in on their conversation.
He had said he didn’t love her, but there must have been some love there. No one stayed with a person they didn’t love for so long.
Sunny got out of bed at five-thirty when she couldn’t stand the barrage of thoughts any longer. There was a message from Maxine on her phone ordering her not to come in that day. She almost ignored the directive because the thought of staying alone in an apartment that didn’t even really belong to her sounded worse than going in and trying to help someone else.
That was how she coped with things. When she was a kid she threw herself into her studies and as an adult she buried herself in her work. But today she was too tired, too shell shocked. If she couldn’t give all of herself to her clients she shouldn’t even bother going in.
There was a knock on the door just as she was starting the coffeepot. She jumped, but went to it anyway looking through the peephole to see Julian standing on the other side. She let him in. He looked exhausted too.
“I knew you’d be up.”
“You’re not planning to invite me on your early morning workout, are you? Because if you are I’m about to tell you where to take your invitation and shove it.”
He grinned at her. “No. How are you feeling today?”
“Raw,” she said. There was no other word for it. She was feeling like a scrape that wouldn’t heal. She hated that feeling. It seemed so much of her childhood was spent feeling that way.
The remainder of the grin melted off his face. “I’m here because I know you didn’t sleep last night.”
“How do you know?”
“I know you. I know when you’re lying to me. I couldn’t sleep either.”
“Were you thinking about your conversation with Regina?”
“No.” He took a step forward and grabbed her by her hips. “I was thinking about you.” He wrapped his arms around her. “All night. I’m sorry about Regina.”
“Why should you be sorry? You don’t owe me anything. You needed to have that conversation.”
“Yes. I did, but I wish it hadn’t happened last night.” She hated herself for loving the way his arms felt around her, how little tingles broke out all over her skin. She was so close to him, but she wanted to get closer. She slipped her hands up the back of his shirt, running her hands across his muscled back.
“Everything is resolved now?”
“Yes. She thinks you’re the reason we aren’t getting back together.”
“Oh? You told her that wasn’t true, right?”
“I did, but I was lying.”
She swallowed hard and looked up at him.
“You confuse the hell out of me and make me question everything I have worked for these past ten years and then there’s the fact that I want you so much it hurts.”
“Julian . . . What the hell are you saying to me?”
“I don’t know.” He shook his head. “My life is very different since you walked into it and I’m not sure if I like it.”
“Then why are you here?”
“I took the day off. I want to spend it with you.”
He said he was confused, but he was confusing her. Was she just a distraction for him? A rebound? A place holder until he found what he was looking for?
He cupped her face, tipped her head back, and kissed her. His mouth was warm and searching. It was easy to get lost in his kiss and she almost did, but she pulled away from him and looked into his very beautiful green eyes. “You’re not allowed to hurt me or toy with me or use me. I’m not interchangeable just because you got bored with someone else.”
He seemed surprised by her comment. “I would never toy with you and of course you’re not interchangeable or somebody I’m just passing the time with. You’re my friend, Sunny, and I don’t ever w
ant to hurt you. But I’m very attracted to you and no matter what I do it doesn’t seem to change.”
“So what happens now?”
“You take me into your bedroom and . . .” Her breath caught and her heart started pounding. She wanted to feel him on top of her, inside of her. His lips. His hands. His breath. It all turned her on. It all made her throb between her legs. “Go back to sleep.”
“Sleep?”
“You need to rest.”
“I won’t be able to.” She stepped back slightly and placed her hand between them, running her hand over his erection. It was hot beneath the fabric and long, traveling down his thigh. He was a very large, very successful, very gorgeous man and he must have been with dozens of women. She wasn’t sure she would live up to them.
“I can barely concentrate with this thing touching me. How do you suggest I sleep with it pressed into my back?”
“I was hoping you wouldn’t notice. I wasn’t going to try anything with you.”
“But who said I wasn’t going to try anything with you?” She slipped her hand inside of the workout shorts he was wearing and pulled him out. She swallowed hard, intimidated by the weight, length, and sheer beauty of him.
“What are you thinking?” His voice was strained. She heard how heavy his breathing had become. “You looked scared.”
“I’m thinking a lot of things.” She stroked him with both of her hands. “Does it hurt to be this hard?”
“Yes, but I’ve become accustomed to it since knowing you.”
“You don’t have to feel discomfort. You could find any woman you want and get them to come home with you.”
“I don’t do that.” He placed his hand over hers and guided her on how to stroke him.
She lifted her lips and set a gentle kiss on his lips. “You make me feel . . . So damn good.”
“What else were you thinking?”
“That I wasn’t sure if I could satisfy you and that no wonder Regina wanted you back. If you turned her on half as much as you turn me on, the poor woman is going to need an intervention.”
She went down on her knees before him and ran her tongue up his shaft. The heat of him was warming her face. “Only you can satisfy me because you are the only one that I want.”
