by Jamie Pope
“Stop looking at me, Jules.”
“I’m admiring your hair.”
“I wanted to wear it today.” She touched the barrette. “For years I kept it locked away. I was going to keep this one locked up too. I was even going to put it in a safe-deposit box, but I decided that that would be pointless. I want to wear this. I want people to see it. It’s important to me and I want to keep it close.”
He took one hand off the wheel and took her hand in his. She liked his gift. She appreciated everything he had given her, no matter how big or small. Regina didn’t seem to care about anything he had given her, but maybe that wasn’t a fair assessment, because he had never gone out of his way to give her something he knew would mean a lot to her. He hadn’t cared enough and it still puzzled him why he would choose her to be his wife. He was lucky she said no. “Are you hungry? We’ve been on the road since five this morning and you barely ate any of your muffin.”
“We can stop if you’re really hungry, but I don’t think I’ll be able to eat until we go to the address the last letter came from.”
“I don’t have to eat right now. You packed a lot of snacks for us. When you handed me that lunch box I felt like a well-loved kindergartner headed for his first day of school.”
She smiled softly. “I’m afraid if I have children they are all going to be terribly chubby. I need to feed people.”
“To show them you care?”
“I guess so. Food represents security for me. I remember being hungry. I remember not knowing when or if I was going to eat again. I would never want someone in my care to feel that way. I might overdo it.”
Shit. The life she led. He couldn’t wrap his head around it. He had never known what it was like to not have those essential things. He had never been grateful just to eat. “You can feed them as much as you want. I’ll make sure they exercise.”
She glanced over at him and when she did, he realized what he had said. The implications of it. He hadn’t meant that. That they were going to have children together and.... And.... But what had he meant?
She didn’t say anything to him. She just looked at the navigation system and then back out of the window. “We’re almost there. This is a sweet little town, isn’t it?”
“Yes. It is. What did your boss say when you told her you were taking a month off work?”
“She said hallelujah and told me she hoped that I would be spending some time with the nice young lawyer she spoke to that day.”
“I don’t know any nice lawyers. I’m not sure they make them.”
She grinned at him and he knew in his gut that he was going to be making love to her before the end of this trip. Not a hookup. Not simply sex. He was going to make love to her. But he didn’t want to think about what would happen afterward. How things would change between them. He was just going to live moment by moment.
The GPS alerted them to their destination. They pulled up in front of a small white house with a set of flower boxes in the window and a small porch with a rocking chair on it. The windows were open and there were sheer gauzy curtains blowing in the breeze.
“It’s lovely.” Sunny opened the door and got out. He followed behind her. “It reminds me of the house I had when I was little. Before Mama took me to New York.” She made a soft noise. “I loved that little house.”
Julian squeezed her shoulder. This was hard for her. It was bringing up a lot of memories of her childhood. He couldn’t have done this job if he were her. It would have been too hard for him. He hated looking back.
“Are you ready?”
“No. But let’s do this.”
She took the lead and walked up the porch. He watched her take a deep breath before knocking on the door. They waited but there was no answer. Julian knocked this time. His knock much louder than hers.
An older woman came out of the little cottage next door. “Can I help you?”
“Hi.” Sunny stepped forward. “We’re looking for Grace. Do you know if she’s here?”
“Grace? Oh no. She hasn’t been here for at least a week. Is there anything I can help you with?”
“We need to speak with her. Do you have a number for her or know where we can find her?”
“Grace is really private. She seems nice but doesn’t talk much to the neighbors.”
“What about her husband?” Julian asked. “She comes here with him, doesn’t she?”
That wasn’t a fact they were sure of, but Julian had a hunch.
“Yeah. He’s really friendly. He works a lot though. He’s the district manager for some company that’s based a couple of towns over. They spend half the month here and I think he said they live somewhere in South Carolina. Hope is the name of the town, I think. I couldn’t tell you the address though.”
“Is there anyone else in town who might know them a little better? Like how to reach them?”
“You can try to find out at his company.”
“Do you know the exact name of it?”
“No. I just knew it had to do with shipping, or trucking.” The woman shook her head. “Something like that. I can’t even tell you his full name. Grace just calls him Heff.”
“Thank you, Ms. . . .” Sunny said.
“Just call me Dottie. Everyone does. Should I tell them you were looking for them when they come up?”
“That’s okay. I’m planning on seeing Grace soon. I was just hoping to catch her before they left town.”
“You actually can tell her we were looking for her,” Julian took his card out of his pocket and handed it to Dottie.
“You’re a lawyer? This is a big important firm in New York City.” Dottie looked up at him. “I’ve seen you before. You represented my favorite soap opera actress when she pitched a fit in that boutique.”
“That was me.” He nodded.
“I was watching stories of that like a hawk. There was all sorts of chatter at the senior center about what they would do with her storyline if she got locked up. That show revolves around her.”
“I know and she really is a good person, so we did our best to get her back to work as soon as possible. Please let me know if Grace shows up. I’m sure I can arrange a few autographed pictures of your favorite actress to be sent to your front door.”
“I will let you know! This is exciting.” She turned to go back into her house. “Wait until I tell the girls.”
“Was that the smartest thing you just did, Julian? What if she does tell her? Should we have given her a warning?”
“I don’t see why not. All along Grace has had the upper hand. She’s known where Soren is. She’s threatened to take her away from the family who loves and cares for her. I want her to know that we’re on her ass and that the most powerful law firm in the country is onto her. She should be afraid that we are going to press charges or sue her for emotional distress on top of my legal fees.”
“But you’re doing this for free.”
“She doesn’t know that. She should be afraid. She should be just as afraid as Soren was when she thought she might go back.”
“Julian, she might not be as evil as you paint her. Her side of the story might be different.”
“There is no her side. There is only one side. You’ve got to stop doing this. You’ve got to stop chickening out when it’s time to come down hard on her. You came to me for a reason. This is how I win. This is how we are going to keep that family together.”
“I’m not a lawyer. I’m a social worker and you may be perfectly content in breaking down people but my job is to help them put themselves back together. I came to you because I needed help, but that doesn’t ever mean I’m going to celebrate someone else’s downfall.” She stepped into his SUV. “Can we eat and go check into our hotel rooms? I need a break.”
* * *
The view from their hotel room was almost too beautiful for words. Julian had booked a room on the Inner Harbor in Baltimore. She had been expecting to stay in some national chain hotel, but Julian had surprised h
er again. He had rented a two-bedroom suite on one of the top floors. It had huge windows and from them she could see the gentle waves of the water below her and the way the sun was causing it to shimmer. She was a ball full of nervous energy, but being near the water soothed her. It made her almost feel like that was where she should be. Not the hot, dirty city. She had been anxious the entire ride down. Anxious about Soren. About possibly meeting her mother, about possibly meeting their mother. She had asked herself what she was going to do if it had been her. Would she feel the need to embrace her, or would she feel angry like she had many times during her childhood?
How could you leave me locked in that closet?
How could you leave me?
In her mind she knew it was for the best. She knew she wouldn’t have survived living with her mother for much longer. And rationally she knew her mother was mentally ill, but it didn’t mean that she wasn’t still angry, that she wasn’t still hurt, that she didn’t blame her for Sunny never feeling safe until now. Until Julian. And she knew he wasn’t permanent. Just a little taste of what it was like to feel this way. He had to take a month off of work, a month from the life he claimed to love, to reevaluate. The partnership was going to be handed to him. It was what he wanted. It was what he had worked so hard for all these years. To prove he was more than just a token, that his hard work meant something.
She wouldn’t blame him if he took the job and relished his life as a high-powered attorney, but she didn’t think he would be happy. Not all the way happy.
He certainly wasn’t going to be happy with her when he found out what she had done.
“This is a bit of the way to go for ice cream,” he said to her as they left downtown Baltimore and ventured out into the suburbs.
“I know. I saw the place on some television show and I thought we could try it. I heard it was one of the best custard places in the country.”
“I did ask you what you wanted to do tonight. I should have known you wouldn’t have said catch a play or ask me to take you to a symphony.”
“Would you prefer me to be more cultured?” she asked seriously.
“I prefer you as you are.”
“I’m sure my novelty will wear off soon.” She smiled but she meant it. It was another reason she knew they couldn’t be together long term. She wasn’t enough for him. She wasn’t sophisticated enough, or rich enough, or quiet enough to fit into his world. “You don’t have to rent fancy hotel rooms for my benefit. I could sleep in a motel just fine. It will be like old times for me.”
“Your mother . . .” he said, knowing what she was thinking.
“I guess you could say that was the fun part of her mental illness. She made it a game. Every day she would tell me we were going on a new adventure. I thought it was so much fun to sleep in a different bed every night and she would feed me fast food and chips and I got to have so much soda. I had no idea.” She shook her head. “I’m sorry. I’ll stop talking about my past.”
“Why? You don’t have to with me.”
“I don’t usually talk about her with anyone.”
“Not even Arden?”
“No, I never wanted to let anyone know how truly screwed up I am.”
“You’re not.”
She grinned at him. “We both know I am.”
“I like when you talk about her to me. It makes me feel special.”
“You’ve seen more of me than anyone else, Jules. You’ve seen me at my worse. You’re more than just special to me.” She stopped herself from telling him that she loved him. She would keep that to herself. He already made her feel too raw. “I was serious about spending so much money on this trip. I don’t need anything but you.”
He touched her knee. “I like to see your face when you experience something for the first time. It’s selfish. I don’t do anything for you. I do it all for me.”
“I wanted to do something for you, but I’m sure you’re not going to like it,” she said to him as they pulled onto the road that led to the park where the ice cream stand was.
The park was empty, most people must have been home for dinner by now, but there was a car in the parking lot. A white Mercedes and Sunny knew who it was even before seeing the driver’s face.
“What are you talking about? You know I like everything you do for me.”
“Your mother is in that white car.”
He tensed. “Excuse me?”
“Remember yesterday when you were getting in the shower and you asked me to pick up your phone because your sister was supposed to call?”
“Yeah.” He pulled the car to a stop and looked at her. She could feel how angry he was.
“Your mother called and I picked up just to tell her you were in the shower and that you would call her back, but we started talking and she asked me how you were, how you really were because you never tell her anything. I didn’t know what to tell her, so I told her that we were on our way south to see your sister. Her voice got so sad and she told me she hadn’t seen you since your sister’s wedding and before that it was your law school graduation. I could hear the tears in her throat as she told me that she had only seen you twice in ten years. I told her we would meet her here. I know I shouldn’t have done it, but the words popped out of my mouth and I didn’t take them back. I couldn’t take them back. She just wants to see your face.”
“You should have minded your own damn business.”
He got out of the car, slamming the door behind him. She followed him and walked just behind him as he approached his mother who was standing behind her car.
“Hello, Elaine!” Sunny walked ahead of Julian and shook Julian’s mother’s hand. She wasn’t sure what she had expected the woman to look like. She was hoping she would be ugly, or there would be some kind of nastiness pouring from her soul. Julian was so angry with her, so hurt by her. But she looked like a typical upper-middle-class suburban mother. She was petite with straight, blond hair and delicate features. She could see Julian in her. His eyes. His cheekbones, the shape of his chin. Despite their different sizes and skin colors, it was hard to hide the fact that they were mother and son, and unlike most mothers and sons, no one seemed happy to be there. Sunny didn’t have to look at Julian to know how angry he was. It was radiating off him.
Elaine looked nervous, almost afraid. And as much as Sunny was aware she was risking Julian’s wrath, she knew she wouldn’t regret what she’d done. How could he move on with his life with this hanging over him? He knew where his mother was; he could do what she so desperately wished she could. He could ask her why she left.
“Hello. You must be Sunny. I’m so happy to meet you.”
“I’m happy to meet you, too. Julian didn’t know I arranged this meeting. I surprised him.”
“Oh. He’s going to be very upset with you.”
“I know. But I think things happen for a reason and there was no need to waste this opportunity. I’m going to walk down the road to give you two some privacy.”
* * *
Julian watched Sunny walk away. He was furious with her. She had no right to arrange this meeting. He would see his mother on his time, on his terms. Just because her job was to put families together didn’t mean she had the right to meddle in his. He wasn’t one of her clients.
“Don’t be too mad at her, Julian. She’s a sweet girl. She only meant well.”
“I know she meant well, but that doesn’t change the fact that I didn’t want to see you.”
The hurt flashed in her eyes and Julian was surprised that he didn’t like to see her pain. He shouldn’t give a damn about her feelings. She didn’t want to see them. She stood in open court and told a judge she didn’t want custody. She didn’t ask for visitation rights. She made it clear she wanted nothing to do with them.
“Well, at least you finally admit it. You have used every excuse in the book. The words sting, but at least they are the truth.”
“Don’t try to guilt me. You don’t get to act like the victim. You’re t
he one who disappeared on us. I waited for you at school for over an hour. I sat outside by myself and watched every parent come to pick up their kid. You never came and I wondered if you were hurt or dead. I had to pick up Galen and look into her worried face and tell her everything was going to be okay. But you weren’t hurt or dead. You were just gone. It would have been easier if you had died, because then it would have been over. Instead of reappearing every few years pretending as if you give a shit about your kids.”
“Julian, that is the furthest thing from the truth. I did care. I loved you. I had to leave.”
“You had to leave?” He shook his head in disbelief. “You could have at least said good-bye. You could have at least tried to make us understand. Galen cried every night for weeks. Every time she heard there was a car accident she checked to see if it was you. Dad had to hire a private investigator to track you down and even when he found you, he wouldn’t tell us where you were. He told us you didn’t want to be found.”
“There’s more to that story. If you would just listen, you would know why I did what I had to do.”
“I don’t want to hear your excuses. There is nothing you can say that is going to make me think that what you did was just. You got married again. You had another kid. You live this perfect little life in the suburbs with your socially acceptable husband and the only time you think about those other undesirable kids you have is when the guilt is too much for you. Are you surprised at how well we turned out? Have you told your family how successful your little disgraces are?”
“Now you wait a minute! My leaving had nothing to do with you or your father or the color of your skin, so you stop that right now.”
“You don’t get to tell me what to do. Only a mother does and my mother died the moment she told a judge that she didn’t want us. This conversation is over. I have nothing left to say to you.”
He walked away from her and down the road toward Sunny who hadn’t gotten very far at all. She was sitting on a bench, probably just out of ear shot of the conversation. He was so damn mad at her. He had pushed all that anger down below the surface. Now he felt like he was a kid again. Like he was thirteen years old and pissed off all the time. His father had taught him self-control. Discipline. He told him he would never go anywhere in this world if he didn’t have any. And he had taken those lessons and made himself into something. But right now he didn’t give a shit about any of it. He wanted to break something. He wanted to scream and rage, anything to distract him from feeling the way he was feeling.
