“Connor and I are just dating.” I couldn’t believe I was having this conversation with my child. “Where is all of this coming from?”
“Don’t you think it’s weird that I don’t have a dad?”
Another shocking question. T.J. rarely asked about his father. “You do have a dad. He just isn’t here.”
“Why not?”
“He wasn’t ready to be a dad.” I knew that someday I would have to tell him the full story. I owed him that. But he wasn’t old enough to understand how complicated the truth was and why I had made the decisions I had back then.
T.J. was ready with more questions, but I cut him off. “It’s almost time to go to the picnic. Go put on your shoes.”
Every year, the town held a gathering in the city center to celebrate Salvation’s founding. The Founders’ Day Picnic was the event of the year. Everyone from town would be there, and I had volunteered to work at the beverage stand. This year, any money made would go toward the storm recovery.
One of the perks of living in a small town was that you could let your child run off and play with friends without worrying that they would be kidnapped or get into trouble. Everyone in town knew all of the kids and kept their eyes open for any trouble. It was like having a town full of free babysitters.
I was able to serve soda and beers in peace, knowing that T.J. was off having fun with his friends and wouldn’t be asking any difficult questions for a while.
“You’re being unusually quiet,” Jen said as she bumped me out of the way. I was blocking the stockpile of cups. “Fighting with Connor?”
“Nope.” I didn’t add that I hadn’t been talking to him at all. Jen was the closest thing I had to a friend. She had a son in T.J.’s class, and we were close to the same age. Those two conditions had pretty much sealed our fate as confidants. “T.J. was asking about his dad earlier.”
“Ohhhh. That’s nice and awkward.” Jen didn’t know any more about T.J.’s dad than anyone else in town.
The only person I had told had been my own father. He had understood why I wanted to keep it private, and he’d never said a word to anyone.
“It certainly wasn’t fun.” I handed a customer change and wiped moisture from the counter.
“It’s only natural that he would be curious.” Jen glanced at me sideways. “He isn’t the only one that is curious.”
“It’s no one’s business.” I knew that I was being unnecessarily harsh with her. She was my friend, after all. She had told me a lot of her own secrets. But this secret wasn’t one I could share. “I’d prefer not to even think about it.”
Jen nodded. “Okay. Let’s talk about Tyler then.”
I groaned. “Tyler?”
“You two used to date, right? Well, I heard he’s back in town because of you.”
“That’s absurd. He came back to check on his father’s house after the storm.” I was aware of how stupid that sounded. He could’ve paid someone to stop by and fix the porch. Clearly he was back for another reason. “Tyler and I aren’t even friends anymore.”
Jen fought back a smile. “Then why is he headed this way?”
“Shit.” I glanced over my shoulder.
Sure enough, Tyler was headed directly for us. I smoothed my hands down the front of my dress and tucked my hair behind my ears.
“Don’t worry. You look great.” Jen winked at me. “He’ll be swept away by your beauty.”
“I don’t care if he-”
“Hi!” Jen’s face lit up brilliantly. “Are you here for a beverage?”
I could feel Tyler standing over my shoulder. His voice was smooth when he said, “Actually, I’m here for a beautiful woman.”
“You can have a beer instead,” I said while Jen swooned.
Tyler waved off the beer. “Just the woman will be fine.”
“We’re actually working here, so if you don’t need anything…”
“Come on. Take a lap around with me. For old time’s sake.” Tyler flashed his famous smile, the one that had always worked on me.
“Fine.” I threw in the towel, literally. “Jen, can you-”
“I’ve got you covered. Go.” She pushed me away. “Have fun. Get into trouble.”
Not a good thing to say to Tyler, though he was never one that needed permission to get into trouble anyway. But Tyler was acting strange today. He didn’t seem as comfortable as he had the other times we met.
“How’s the return been treating you?”
I noticed that now that we were surrounded by more people, he was drawing more attention. The younger residents of Salvation knew exactly who he was and they all turned to watch as we walked through the town square.
“It’s been… interesting.” Tyler kept his eyes focused straight ahead. “It’s weird to be here right now- with you.”
“Agreed.”
The hardest adjustment when I moved back home was going everywhere without Tyler. We had spent our lives together growing up in this town and then suddenly, he wasn’t there. It had taken years to get used to that. Now I was having the opposite problem- being there with Tyler, but not being with him, was a mind trip.
“How’s the porch coming along?” I said, trying to keep my confused thoughts buried.
Tyler chuckled. “It’s a process. I’m not has handy as I used to be.”
“Hasn’t Glenn been helping you?”
“He helps when his wife lets him.” Tyler stepped to the side as a group of kids ran past. His arm brushed against mine and my hand twitched, an involuntary urge to take his hand.
Instead, I crossed my arms over my chest. We had moved through the center and were now on the perimeter of the square where the carnival rides had been set up. I spotted T.J. on the train ride, and he yelled and waved to us.
“He has your eyes,” Tyler said while T.J. yelled even louder. “And your lungs.”
I laughed and elbowed him in the ribs. “Very funny, Cole.”
“Hey, how about a ride?” He nodded to the Ferris wheel.
“You’re scared of heights,” I reminded him. When we were dating, I’d only been able to force him onto the ride once and he’d kept his eyes closed the entire time.
“I’m not scared of heights,” he objected.
I shrugged. “Fine, then. Let’s do it.”
He remained confident until the lap bar was snapped into place. His legs twitched nervously, but he wasn’t alone. Now that we were trapped in such confined quarters, I was nervous, too.
“You promise not to make fun of me if I start to cry?” he joked.
“No promises.”
The wheel started to move and Tyler’s knuckles whitened as he gripped the bar.
“Don’t you fly all over the world? How can you still be scared of heights?”
“That’s different,” Tyler said through a clenched jaw. “I’m not strapped to a rickety wheel.”
I laughed. “T.J. isn’t a fan of the Ferris wheel either.”
“He’s a smart kid.” Tyler allowed a small, tight smile.
“He really is, for a ten-year-old. He’s smart like his dad.”
We had reached the top and come to a stop. I looked down on the town below, eyes scanning the sea of people. Suddenly, Tyler stopped fidgeting. I turned back to him and saw panic in his eyes.
“What’s wrong?”
“T.J. is ten?”
My brow furrowed in confusion. “Yeah. So?”
“Not eight, or nine. Ten?”
Again I nodded. “He turned ten in February.”
“What’s his real name?” Tyler’s face had gone completely white.
I knew that he had figured out my secret. Very carefully, I said, “The J is after my father, James.”
“And the T?”
“Tyler.” I swallowed hard. “Tyler- after his father.”
CHAPTER FIVE
Tyler
I was already lightheaded from the height, but Emma’s revelation made everything go foggy. My pulse started to race a
nd it was difficult to breathe.
The last time I had been on a Ferris wheel, Emma and I had just finished our senior year of high school. Somehow, I let her talk me into it. We had spent the day at the Founders’ Day Picnic. Emma was feeling nostalgic, knowing that this would be our last one. She was heading off to a summer program at college in a few weeks and I was supposed to join her in the fall when classes started.
She didn’t know it, but in the past few days I had been forming a different plan in my head. I loved Emma, and I wanted us to be together, but I also had dreams that would take me far from Indiana.
I tried not to think about any of that as we walked through town, but it was always in the back of my mind. How was I going to tell Emma that I planned to leave her? That distraction was probably why she had been able to get me on the ride.
“It’s going to be okay,” she said as it started to move. Her hand on my thigh was small comfort.
I kept my eyes closed while she laughed and teased me. She marveled at how far she could see when we reached the top. I opened my eyes just enough to see her- smiling, hair blowing. When we started moving again, my eyes snapped shut.
Emma had introduced me to a lot of firsts. First kiss, first love, first lover, and now first time doing something that absolutely petrified me. In many ways, she showed me a new world through her eyes. She made me want more than a boring, small town life.
I didn’t tell her about my plans that night. The next day, we were lying on my bed talking about the future and I knew I had to tell her.
“Em, I’m not going to college.”
Her face twisted in confusion. This had been our plan for so long. What had changed?
I explained that music was my passion and I wanted to move to Nashville to see if I could make a go of it. We had a family friend that worked for a record label and he was going to let me use their studio.
My heart broke when she started to cry. She worried that I didn’t love her anymore, though nothing could’ve been further from the truth. I swore that everything would be okay for us. It took some time, but she finally came around to the idea.
“I just want you to be happy. If this is what you want, then I support you.”
A couple weeks later, I told my dad about my plans. He hadn’t been supportive at all. We fought and he told me I was making the worst mistake of my life.
The next day, he was gone.
Emma stayed by my side through it all. She cancelled plans for the summer program so that she could be there for the funeral and getting Dad’s affairs sorted out.
Fall classes were starting and she couldn’t put her life on hold forever. I drove her to school and helped her get settled into her new home. When I left, I promised that we would make it work. I wasn’t going to let anything get between us. Then I drove back home, boarded up the house, and drove to Tennessee.
A few months passed, and Emma and I started to grow apart. I tried visiting her at school once, but I was intimidated by her new life- a life that didn’t seem to have a place for me. She came down to Nashville for my first gig at a local café and things seemed better. It was just the two of us for a long weekend and we fell back into our old rhythms.
She came to the show and sat in the front row, smiling proudly as I performed. After the show, she waited patiently while I talked to some fans and signed autographs. One girl got a little too aggressive, going in for a kiss. I pushed her away, but not before Emma saw. She said that it was okay, that she understood things like that were going to happen. But I know it hurt her.
The next day, she went back to school and even though neither of us said anything, something had changed. It was clear that we were living separate lives now, holding on to a past that couldn’t be our future. When I was offered an opening spot in a tour, I had to take it.
I would be gone six months. Too long to expect Emma to wait.
When I found out the news, I did something I had never thought I would do. I called Emma, and I ended our relationship.
I wanted her to be free to live her life. It would’ve been selfish to ask her to put up with my crazy schedule. She’s already done so much for me. I thought I was doing the right thing, letting her go.
Now I know it was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.
Emma waited patiently for me to let the news sink in.
“Tyler?” I asked again, just to be sure. She nodded. “He’s my son?”
She sighed. “Tyler, I know this a surprise. I don’t expect you to be able to say anything right now.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” That was all I could think, over and over. How could I have had a son for ten years and not know? How could she keep that from me?
“It’s complicated,” she started.
Suddenly, I wasn’t in love with Emma Wellington anymore. I hated her.
“It’s not that complicated. When a man fathers a baby, you tell him.” I don’t remember the last time I felt that angry at anyone.
The wheel had started to move without me noticing and we were almost on the ground. Emma put a hand on my arm and I shook her away.
“Tyler, let me explain.”
“I can’t be around you right now.”
She was hurt, but she let me go. “Okay. When you’re ready to talk, you know where to find me.”
I left her without a backward glance.
The house felt emptier than usual when I got home. My footsteps echoed as I paced around the living room.
I had a son. He was ten-years-old. He had his mother’s eyes. Emma was his mother. Emma had kept this secret from me for ten years.
I was so mad at her. But I still loved her.
I still loved Emma.
Every part of my body hurt. Instinctually, I reached for the scotch and had taken a long pull before I remembered that I wasn’t supposed to drink. It was too late.
As I drank, more questions swirled in my head.
Did T.J. know about me? Did he ever ask about his dad? What was his favorite color? Did he laugh like me or like Emma? Did he love to swim? When was his birthday? Where had I been the day he was born? Had he been a good sleeper or had he kept Emma up all night? What was his first word? Did he like school?
Eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed answers, and I needed them now.
The bottle empty, I set off for Emma’s house. She lived just down the road so I was able to stumble there in my inebriated state. It was late, but her bedroom light was on, almost like she knew I was coming.
She answered the door with a resolved look on her face.
“I thought you might come by tonight.”
“I’m surprised you gave any thought at all to me.” I was an angry drunk and tonight was going to be no exception.
“You’re drunk,” she said, annoyed. “Old habits are hard to break, I guess.”
Now it was my turn to be annoyed. “You don’t know shit about me, Emma, so don’t pretend that you do.”
“You’re right.” She shrugged and held the door open. “Come in.”
Emma led me into the living room and turned on a light. “I’d offer you a beer, but it seems you’ve already taken care of that.”
“Where’s the kid?” I asked, unable to say his name.
“He’s sleeping over at a friend’s house.” Emma perched on the edge of a chair.
I sank heavily onto the couch. On the way to her house, I had been fuming. Now that I was in front of her, I just felt like crying.
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.” My elbows dug into my knees as I dropped my head into my hands.
“I’m sorry.” Her voice was small and she sounded lost. “I thought it would be better if you didn’t know.”
“How could you think that?” I looked at her, wanting to understand. “Didn’t you think I would be a good father?”
Her head shook furiously. “No, that wasn’t it. I knew you would be a great father. You would’ve dropped everything and come running back to Salvation.”
>
“So?”
“So that’s why I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want you to give up your dreams.” She was crying now, openly. I recalled very few times in my life when Emma had cried. “I wanted you to be happy. You didn’t want this kind of life.”
She was right. I had sworn over and over that I would never settle for a boring life in Salvation. I wanted to see the world, experience life. I didn’t want to be tied down to a family and job.
That’s what I had though until a few hours ago. Now I would trade it all in to have the last ten years back.
“I don’t know anything about my son.” My own eyes had become watery. “That kills me, Emma.”
“What do you want to know?” she wiped the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand.
“Everything. I want to know everything.”
She nodded. “Okay. I’ll put on a pot of coffee. It’s a long story.”
CHAPTER SIX
Emma
I settled on the couch on the opposite end from Tyler. He wanted to know everything and I owed it to him to tell him all that I could remember. So I started at the beginning.
Tyler broke up with me over the phone. I had sensed a distance between us in the last few months, but I had thought that was just part of the long-distance relationship. I never thought he would break up with me. I was devastated for months.
My new friends at college just didn’t understand. They’d all been through breakups themselves and after a few weeks, they started dating again. It was part of life. For me, it didn’t feel the same. Tyler was ‘the one,’ I knew, and I had just lost him. Even worse, I didn’t understand why.
But eventually I pretended to get over it. I started dating, though nobody serious. And I threw myself into school. I always planned to go to law school and become an attorney and now I had nothing to distract me from that goal. By the time graduation had rolled around, I had an acceptance at the University of Chicago’s law school firmly in my hand.
Dad came up for the graduation ceremony, looking tired but proud. I knew he hadn’t been feeling great lately, but he put on a good front for me. My friends and I all posed for lots of pictures and cheered loudly as each name was called to receive their diploma. It was a happy day.
A Rocker and a Hard Place Page 4
