"Yeah. 'Cause I never cared enough to take that much time to make sure she did."
"I see." Splaying her hands on his chest, she said quietly, "Does this mean we have another problem?"
Joe slipped his hands up to her shoulders and set her a little apart, and what she saw in his eyes broke her heart. "You make me want to feel things I've got no business feeling," he said softly, lifting her tangled hair away from her face. "Make me want to believe in things I stopped believing in a long time ago."
"And this is bad…why?"
His mouth torqued into a sad smile. "You know why."
No, actually, I don't, she wanted to say, but figured this wasn't the best time to press the issue. Whether he realized it or not, a huge chunk of his defenses had just come crumbling down. But she imagined only in the areas not strengthened by the rebar forged by fear and false assumption. Their gazes wrestled for several seconds before she lifted a hand to his stubbled cheek. "And if you think that's my cue to send you on your way, you're crazy. I've got another…" she glanced at the little clock over the medicine chest "…hour and thirty-five minutes left on my dance card, buddy."
"And if this is the only night we ever get to dance? Taylor…" He cradled her head in his hands, his thumbs skating over her cheeks as his dark, agonized gaze bore into hers. "I don't want to hurt you. Or lead you on."
She steeled herself against the sensation of having just swallowed one of Oakley's rawhide bones, slobber and all, even as she closed her fingers over Joe's hands, so strong, so gentle. Like him. Common sense—the pittance she had left—told her she should nod, say, "I see. Well, thanks for a good time," and send him on his way. But doing that would be giving up…on him.
Because she knew, in a way she'd never felt before, that this man needed her. Maybe only for now, true—she wasn't deluding herself—but never had anyone made her feel more important, or desired, or necessary. And damned if she was going to walk away from that. From him.
So she girded her emotional loins and said, "You just gave me the time of my life, buster. And if you really feel you need to leave, right now…if you really believe making love to me again would hurt me, then fine. There's the door. It's been a blast, no hard feelings, see ya around." She slid her hands down to link with his, feeling some small measure of triumph when his fingers tightened around hers. "Then again, you could think of this as, I don't know…a vacation. You know going in it's going to end, but you can still have a great time. In fact, you can enjoy the experience even more because you know it's temporary, right?"
Joe looked at her steadily for several seconds, then let out a short, dry laugh, shaking his head. "I don't know…"
"Neither do I, Joe. Neither do I. But I think fear of what might happen is kind of a lame excuse to avoid something that could do both of us some good, you know?" She smiled. "And the clock is ticking, bud. While we've been in here yakking, ten minutes have passed. And for heaven's sake—who has talks like this in the bathroom?"
He laughed, then lifted his hands to her face to kiss her, long and slow and deep. Then he took her hand and led her to the bedroom, at which point Taylor figured she'd pretty much won that round, at least.
* * *
Joe got back to his cabin a few minutes before midnight to find Blair just ejecting a DVD from the player. She looked up at his entrance, grinning, the light from the kitchen overhead spilling into the living room, making her braces sparkle.
"Good timing. Cool."
"I'll run you home, then—"
"No, that's okay," she said, pulling her cell phone out of her pocket. "Dad said he'll come get me so you don't have to leave Seth…yeah, s'me," she said into the phone. "Uh-huh, I'm ready."
Guilt nudged Joe's gaze to Seth's closed bedroom door. "Did he wake up?"
"N'uh-uh," the teenager said, poking her phone back into her shorts. "Out like a light the whole time. You get everything done you needed to do?"
Heat warmed his face. Damn—when had been the last time he'd blushed, for God's sake? But then, when was the last time he'd had to sneak off to have sex? Good thing the light wasn't real bright in here, was all he had to say. "Yeah, I did," he said, tugging his wallet out of his jeans and thanking God for an excuse not to have to look Hank's daughter in the eye right away. "Sorry, I have no idea what the going rate for baby-sitting is these days…"
Blair wrinkled her freckled nose. "How's ten sound?"
"Let's make it fifteen." Joe handed her a ten and a five just as they heard Hank's truck pull up in front of the cabin. With a grinned thanks, she slipped out the screen door and down the porch steps. Joe followed, waving back when she did from the passenger seat of her dad's truck.
Blair was a good kid, he thought. A regular kid, with almost infinite possibilities open to her—
He caught himself, shut his eyes, pushing out a breath of frustration, and irritation, and melancholy, as the reality of his life swept away the past two hours like sand castles in the tide. He knew better than to compare Blair with his sister; he knew it wasn't right and, God knew, it was pointless. But sometimes it just seemed so unfair. Looking at Blair, knowing she'd probably be popular in high school, go on to college, have a career, maybe get married and have children of her own…
All he wanted for Kristen was for her to be happy. But after fifteen years, he'd seen just how elusive happiness could be for someone on the wrong side of the invisible fence that separated "different" from what the world considered "normal." But then, he thought as he went back inside, it wasn't always easy defining happiness when you were part of the so-called "normal" world, either.
He went into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of milk, feeling…shredded. Now he knew why he never let his impulses govern his actions. He should never have gone over to Taylor's tonight, never made love to her, never let down his defenses. Because now that he had, how the hell was he ever going to get them back up? If he'd left after the first time, if he'd torn himself away from all that openness and generosity and humor while he'd still had some control, it might've been okay. But nooo, he had to go along with all that vacation crap and take her back to bed, lose himself inside her again, and now…
Now he was screwed, because now he knew what he'd be missing if he gave her up.
When he gave her up.
"Joe?" came the soft voice from across the room. Joe looked up to see Seth standing in his T-shirt and boxers, flushed from sleep and blinking in the light, and a whole bunch of feelings laced themselves around his heart. And squeezed.
"Hey, squirt…whatcha doing up?"
"I heard a car or truck or somethin' outside. Was somebody here?"
"That was Hank, coming to get Blair. I needed to go out for a couple hours, so I had her come stay with you." He smiled. "You didn't even know, did you?"
Seth shook his head, then padded over to the counter and climbed up on a stool. "C'n I have some milk, too?"
"Sure."
Joe poured some into a plastic glass and handed it to his brother, who frowned up at him and said, "Where'd you go?"
Why did the idea of telling the kid the truth make him feel slightly sick?
"Just out. Nowhere important. Come on, finish up your milk so you can get back into bed before you keel over."
The kid gulped it down; Joe handed him a napkin to wipe his mouth, then herded him back to his room and tucked him in, only to have a pair of wiry little arms thread themselves around his neck and pull him down for a hug. His heart turned over in his chest, even as the very air in the room seemed to hum with the boy's neediness. But when he lay back on his pillow, a tiny crease had settled between his dark brows.
"You smell like Taylor's," he said, accusation peering out from behind his words.
Joe started. Even though he'd taken a fast shower before he left, leave it to Seth to have a nose as keen as Oakley's. "I do?"
"Yeah. Is that where you went?"
"Okay, yeah, that's where I was. She, um, wanted to talk to me." He ruffled his b
rother's hair. "About you."
"What about me?"
"Just about how much better you seem to be doing. Stuff like that."
"Oh." The frown deepened. "So how come you didn't just say that to begin with?"
Oh, boy. "Because…I don't know." He tried smiling for the kid. "Maybe because I didn't want you to feel you'd missed out on something, you know?"
"Oh. What's gonna happen? When the summer's over, I mean?"
Joe's heart knocked against his ribs. He hadn't been able to think beyond getting these two projects done, beyond the next several weeks. Now Seth's question smacked him with the realization that he really didn't know what came next. Especially if he didn't get the promotion. Which, as much as he wanted it, as much as he knew he deserved it, wasn't a given. Nope, whatever came after the end of the summer stretched in front of him like a long, black, endless tunnel.
Especially if Taylor wasn't in it.
But Taylor couldn't be in it, he reminded himself. Because while maybe she was okay with an hour or two of his time while he was here, he doubted seriously she'd be okay with that for the long haul. After all, even vacations got old, after a while, because they weren't real life. Because they weren't meant to last forever.
"I don't really know," he finally answered over the cold, hard knot in the center of his chest. "Guess we'll just have to wait and see how everything works out. And now you need to go back to sleep, okay?"
"Okay," Seth said after a moment, then gave Joe a little smile that pierced his heart. "Today was really cool, goin' to Tulsa with you and then to Cal's and riding the horse. Except I wish…"
"What?"
Tears flooded the kid's eyes. "I really wish Mom could've seen me ride."
Battling a tightness at the back of his own throat, Joe scooped his brother into his arms and held on tight. "I bet she would've been real proud," he said, then laid Seth back on his bed and pulled the sheet and summer blanket back into place, suddenly feeling awkward. He got up from the bed, nodding toward the bedside lamp. "You want me to leave the light on for a while?"
Seth gave a vigorous shake of his head. "No, why would I want that?"
Joe smiled at the kid's bravado. "Well, okay. 'Night."
"'Night, Joe."
But when he closed the door behind him, he felt like he was pulling a door shut on his own heart.
* * *
After Joe left, Seth got up and turned the light back on, then sat down on the scratchy, oval rug beside the bed to look at his new boots some more, scratching a mosquito bite on his leg and thinking about how, all in all, he really liked it here. He was starting to get to know some of the kids at camp, like Wade Frazier and Noah Logan, for one thing. And there was Ruby's—she was so nice! And Taylor, of course. And then, going out to Cal's ranch had been so cool, he'd thought he'd bust. The horses were awesome, their noses so soft and stuff when he petted them. He even liked the way they smelled. Oh, yeah, he'd be real happy if he could stay here forever.
But that wasn't gonna happen, so he should probably just forget about it, 'cause they'd be going to live in Tulsa, Joe said, once he was finished with these projects. Seth'd never been to Tulsa before today. It was okay, he guessed, but it was still a city. He'd lived his entire life in a city, and he liked the country a whole lot better.
Bet he couldn't ride horses in Tulsa.
With a sigh, he got back in bed and turned off the light before Joe noticed it was on. Jeez, there were so many thoughts in his head, he felt like they were gonna crash into each other. He'd really, really wanted to tell Joe he loved him, but he didn't know how Joe would take that, so he didn't. Maybe brothers weren't supposed to say things like that. Or maybe Joe would get all weird like Dad used to, when Seth would say it. 'Course, he'd stopped saying it a long time ago, since it didn't feel right telling somebody you loved them when they never said it back. And maybe Joe wouldn't feel like saying it back, either, and that would totally suck.
What really sucked, though, was how Joe thought Seth was too dumb to figure out that he'd gone over to Taylor's because he liked her, not because he wanted to talk to her about Seth. But if he wanted to be with her, how come he wouldn't let them stay for dinner the other night? Why did he act like he didn't want to be around her when he obviously did?
Grown-ups were peculiar, that's all he had to say.
Then something else occurred to him, something that made him almost sick to his stomach, and that was, if Joe did like Taylor, but thought maybe Seth was keeping him from being with her, then maybe Joe would decide Seth was more trouble than he was worth. Dad had sure felt like that, always getting mad whenever Seth came into the room when he was kissing Mom and stuff. "Don't you have someplace else to be?" he'd yell, or "What the hell do you want now?"
His mom had loved him, sure. And Taylor always smiled for him and made him feel like she really liked being with him. But maybe that's because they were women. Maybe men weren't made that way, maybe having kids around made them nervous or something.
Except Cal Logan hadn't acted that way around Seth. And he'd seen Sam Frazier hug his boys and stuff when he'd pick 'em up from day camp. So he guessed that wasn't it, either. Maybe…maybe it was just the way some men were. Like his father. And Joe? Seth wanted to stay with Joe more than anything in the world, but he'd wanted his dad to stick around more than anything in the world, too, and look how that had turned out.
Seth scrunched his pillow up under his cheek and thought about that. Strangely enough, he didn't feel sad as much as kinda relieved, like maybe he'd figured something out. It was like Mom always said, you gotta know what the problem was before you can solve it. So Seth laid there, his forehead all in a knot, contemplating a whole bunch of ways that would maybe solve his problem. And Joe's, too.
And after a real long time, he thought maybe he had an answer.
Chapter 12
The woman was driving him nuts.
In the five days since Joe'd paid that little late night visit to Taylor's house, she hadn't done or said a single thing to indicate anything had changed between them. Which, if he were being logical, he should be happy about, right? Because he didn't need the distraction and all. That he wasn't happy one bit did not bode well, speaking to a side of his character from which he'd done everything in his power to distance himself ever since he could remember.
Because he was still distracted, he thought as he walked up to her front door to pick up Seth. Oh, boy, was he distracted. By memories so vivid he could almost catch her scent mixed in with the tang of sawdust and pressure-treated wood, hear her soft—and not-so-soft—cries of pleasure even over the whine of a power saw. Oh, yeah, the woman sure did know how to enjoy herself. He felt like an alcoholic who'd gone off the wagon, agonized with recriminations, more agonized by the temptation to do it again…
She met him at the door with a pleasant expression.
…only somebody had locked up all the booze.
"I suppose you heard," Taylor said with a perfectly normal smile, "that Maddie had her baby?"
"Uh, yeah, Hank told me." Joe leaned one hand against a porch post, smelling her. Aching for her. Visualizing all too clearly those cute little breasts hidden away beneath two layers of cotton, and coming about as close to hating himself as he ever had. Her hair was loose, a thousand shades of red tumbling over her shoulders, and he wanted to plow his fingers through it and bring his mouth down on hers and let her take him to that place where there was nothing but them and hot, mind-numbing sex. But instead he stayed where he was and said, "A boy. Over nine pounds or something?"
She laughed, the sound a siren call, beckoning, teasing. Tempting. "Yep. Noah's over the moon at finally getting a brother after two sisters."
Reality—his reality—elbowed back into his thought, and he looked at her, feeling his brows pull together. "And…everything's okay? With the baby?"
The green, knowing gaze gentled, as if she understood. "Yeah, Joe," she said softly. "He's fine. I got over to see him last
night. Kid's got a set of lungs on him like a tornado siren." Her eyes met his for a moment, then skittered away. "Let me go see what's keeping Seth," she said, walking over to the door and hollering at him to get a move on, Joe was waiting. Then she turned around, her hand resting lightly against the door latch, as Oakley dragged himself over and flopped down at her feet with a groan, taking up half the porch.
"So," she said. "Your mom and sister are coming in tomorrow, right?"
Now reality flat-out blew a whistle, instantly clearing the place of all thoughts involving sex and escape and temptation. But aggravation lingered, huddled in one corner of his brain where reality couldn't see it, that not once had she even hinted at getting together again. And whether it made any sense or not, considering the situation, considering everything he'd said to begin with, for crying out loud, her not bringing up the subject was plain beginning to spook him. Especially since he'd never yet met a woman who didn't use sex as a reason to lay claim to a man.
"Tomorrow evening, yeah." He glanced away, his face heating, knowing the logical thing to do would be to suggest they all get together at some point. But the words backed up in his throat where they got hopelessly tangled in the guilt and confusion already there.
"Joe?"
He met her gaze, warily, petrified of being sucked in. Even more petrified of wanting to be sucked in.
"It's gonna be okay," she said, her mouth tweaked up at the corners. He didn't even know what the hell she meant by that—if she was talking about his family being here or how Seth was going to react or even, maybe, if she was talking about them—but suddenly he felt like his head was going to explode because she was being so damn reasonable about a totally unreasonable situation.
"Dammit, Taylor—why are you acting like this?"
Her eyes stayed fixed on his, her face betraying nothing. "Acting like what?" she said mildly, infuriating him even more.
He took a step closer, slapping his hat against his thigh. "You know damn well what."
"Oh…" she said on a slowly released breath, then crossed her arms. "You mean, because I'm not acting all clingy and demanding?"
Everybody's Hero Page 15
