by Lisa Suzanne
The answer had been there all along. It just took hypnosis for me to realize it.
Oh my God.
I was in love with Scott.
I rewound the DVD to hear it again. I watched it at least ten times. Maybe twenty.
Maybe more.
And the more I watched it, the more I saw the glee on my face. The more I saw the complete relaxation in my shoulders. The more I saw everything that proved one person loved another person.
My heart ached to see him. To talk to him. To tell him what I realized. To show him the video. To hold him. To kiss him. To make love to him. To laugh with him. To share a meal, to watch Jersey Shore, to whisper to him while he held my body against his through the night.
To confess that I was as in love with him as he was with me.
But there was still Dax.
I really, really liked Dax. I certainly didn’t want to hurt him. But he saw the signs. He’d admitted to me that he felt us growing apart while I’d been away. I just needed to be honest with him. I just needed to tell him that while I really liked him, I realized while I was away it wasn’t meant to be for us. Surely he’d understand. We’d only been dating a few weeks. I’d tell him right away, and then I’d go right to Scott to tell him in person how I felt.
I suddenly couldn’t wait to get home.
I watched the rest of the video. Things went from bad to worse when Steve handed me a banana and I was led to believe I was alone with my boyfriend. I shook my head in embarrassment as I watched myself suck down the pretend meat popsicle like a champ, the audience hooting and hollering to my talents.
Oh God. My mom had seen that.
But none of it mattered. All that mattered was the fact that I finally had the answer I’d been seeking.
Before I went to sleep, I pulled Scott’s Stats book out of my suitcase. I’d largely ignored it because of the guilt I felt whenever I looked at it, but suddenly I needed something of his close to me.
I slept with his book clutched in my arms, right against my heart.
***
My flight landed on time, and my suitcase was the second one to drop into the baggage claim area. It was maybe the one time I would’ve been okay with a short delay. As excited as I was to see this through with Scott, I was dreading the end of Dax and me.
I texted Dax. I’m here and I have my luggage.
I wanted to say something more personal, but I was about to break up with the guy. It hardly seemed appropriate to take a ride from him, but this had already been arranged. Besides, this way I could do it on my home turf.
He wrote back a second later. Leaving cell lot now. Will be curbside by checkin where I dropped you off in five minutes.
Part of me wished he’d parked and waited for me in the airport. Maybe even with a sign. It was something Scott would’ve done, but it didn’t really matter. It was sweet of Dax to pick me up, even if he didn’t come inside the airport to greet me with a kiss after almost a week apart.
Baggage claim was by the arriving flights, so I walked through the airport toward the departure area to meet him.
I wished I was excited to see Dax, but I felt a sense of impending dread at having to end things with him.
He was such a good guy. I could see myself falling for him if my heart was in a different place. I would definitely miss him, especially the friendship we’d formed in such a short time. He was hilarious, fun, and easy on the eyes.
He didn’t seem like the kind of guy who would pine away for me for very long. He’d be okay. He had plenty of prospects in front of him, and even though I felt horrible I was going to end things, I was positive he would move on.
As I made my way up an escalator toward the checkin counters, I drew in a deep breath. I could do this. I would do this. I’d do it for Scott and for me. For us.
I was so caught up in thoughts of Scott that just as I passed the Southwest counter, I swore I saw him. I caught the backside of an attractive man wearing jeans and a plain black polo shirt. He had black framed glasses and messy dark blond hair.
I smiled to myself, knowing it couldn’t possibly be him since his arms were around a woman, but I did a double take anyway.
And when I turned around to look at the guy who reminded me of Scott from behind, my worst nightmare was realized.
Scott was hugging the blonde girl he’d been with at the diner.
Her arms were tight around his neck.
He had a smile on his face, and she did, too.
What the hell was Scott doing at the airport?
And what the hell was Scott doing at the airport hugging a beautiful woman?
I thought he was in love with me.
But it looked an awful lot to me like he’d moved on. Easily. With someone who was my complete opposite.
My heart fell down into my stomach. I clapped my hand over my mouth, afraid I was about to vomit. I swallowed hard, pushing the feeling away. I took a few calming breaths and moved away from Scott and the woman and toward the man I was about to break up with.
My legs felt like lead as I pushed them forward toward Dax’s waiting car. As I pushed them away from Scott and the new woman in his life.
This couldn’t be happening.
I’d literally just made my decision. I had been so excited to tell Scott, to take things to the next level, to give things a try.
To have my friend back.
To confess that I’d finally realized how I felt.
I dreaded ending things with Dax, but I had Scott’s arms to look forward to.
Instead, Scott’s arms were twined around someone else.
I was too late. I had taken too long to decide, and he’d moved on.
It was my own fault. I had no one to blame but myself, and I felt so stupid.
I’d still end things with Dax. It wasn’t fair to stay with him when I’d already decided I needed to end things with him. He’d just be my fallback, and it wouldn’t be fair to view him as some replacement for the man I’d just realized I loved.
As soon as I saw him leaning up against his sexy white Camaro wearing a white t-shirt that said “Women Love Me,” I burst into tears. I hated when the weak heroines did nothing but cry in the books I read, yet I was falling into that exact trap. I couldn’t help it. I was an emotional mess.
Dax grabbed me up into his arms, and he felt so good. His arms around me reminded me of all the reasons I’d started falling for him.
The weak part of me wanted to stay with him. I wanted one last time with him. I wanted to remember forever why we were so good together.
But I knew I couldn’t do it to him. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself, and it would only hurt him more in the long run.
“I missed you so much,” he whispered into my hair, kissing the top of my head.
He had no idea why I was crying. It was some strange combination of hating myself for needing to break up with Dax and hating Scott for moving on from me so quickly.
His words just made me cry harder. He was so sweet, and he had no idea what was coming. I hated myself for what I was about to do, but I didn’t have any other options. If it meant I had to be alone…well, it was the right thing to do.
Maybe DILF Jason was over his ex by now and we could give things a try again.
I started giggling at the thought.
So I stood at the curb in front of Dax’s car at the airport giggling through my sobs.
Oh my God.
I was actually going crazy.
Dax gave me a strange look. “Are you okay?”
I nodded.
“Let’s get you home,” he said gently, and then he helped me into the car, put my luggage into his trunk, and started driving me home.
I gazed out the window at beautiful San Diego. I really loved this town. Part of me wondered if I’d move back home after graduation or if I’d stay here. I wondered where Scott would go. If he’d follow the blonde girl to wherever she lived or if he’d stay in San Diego, too. I wondered if Dax would hit it b
ig, if things would pan out with one of the scouts. He wouldn’t want a serious girlfriend then, anyway. He’d want to do whatever it was rock stars did when they were young and famous.
And I’d be alone. If this project had taught me anything, it was that I needed to trust myself more. I needed to rely on what I knew was right, even if it was easier to push the thoughts down and ignore them.
When we pulled in front of my apartment, the butterflies hit my belly. I wasn’t sure exactly what I was going to say to Dax. I was heartbroken to be ending it with him. I’d really been falling for him, and I was choosing to end things. But now I wasn’t ending it so I could run to Scott. Now I was ending it because Dax deserved my whole heart. He didn’t have it. Someone else had claimed residence there, and until I could move on from Scott, it wasn’t fair to be with someone else.
I took a deep breath and opened the car door with shaky hands. I pulled my keys out of my purse while Dax pulled my suitcase out of his trunk.
And then I was fumbling with my door, trying to stick the key in the hole and missing three different times before I got it. I was a nervous wreck.
Dax either didn’t notice or he let it go. He brought my suitcase straight back to my bedroom, and I wondered if he was expecting me to join him there. Probably not after my emotional outburst at the airport.
He emerged from my bedroom a moment later, concern on his handsome face. He ran a hand through his hair, and it fell back perfectly into place.
I was really going to miss him.
“Can we talk?” I asked, my voice timid.
He nodded, and we both walked over to my couch.
I sucked in a deep breath, and then I just started babbling. “Dax, I really like you. But I haven’t been fair to you. You deserve someone better than me. You’re an amazing man—a good man—and I just think we need to end things before we go any further down the path we’ve started.”
He looked surprised but not shocked. His eyes were sad, and my own fill with tears. A-freaking-gain. “I really like you, too, sweets. You know that. But I have to admit, I had a feeling this was coming.”
I closed my eyes, refusing to let the tears fall. “I’m sorry.” My voice came out in a whisper.
He didn’t say anything, and when I opened my eyes, he was gazing at me.
“What changed?” he finally asked.
I needed to be honest with him even though this one was going to be tough.
I drew in a deep breath and avoided eye contact as I spoke. “I realized while I was gone that I have feelings for someone else. It’s not fair for me to be with you if you don’t have my full attention.”
“Figures the first girl I connect with after Vickie would be in love with somebody else.”
“I’m sorry, Dax,” I said softly.
“I get it. It took me a long time to get over Vickie. I know how hard it is to be with someone like me. It would never be just you and me. There will always be fans and friends and shows, and if this scout thing works out, it could blow up pretty quickly.”
“It’s not about all that, Dax. You’re genuine and sweet and kind. You care for me and you take care of me.”
A tiny smile lifted the corners of his mouth.
“And we have some amazing sex.”
He nodded his head in agreement. “I mean, we can do it one more time just for old time’s sake.”
I smiled. I couldn’t tell whether he was serious or joking. I wanted to agree to it, but it wasn’t right. “I’m probably making a colossal mistake in ending this, but I just can’t pretend like everything’s fine with us when there’s someone else.”
“Is the other guy from your project?”
I shook my head. “He’s a friend.”
“That one who was here the night I walked out?”
I nodded slowly. “He has always just been a good friend, and then before I left, I found out he’s been harboring feelings for me for a long time. And I think I have for him, too.”
“So if I wouldn’t have walked out, you might not have called him?”
I shrugged and averted my eyes to the floor. It had been Scott all along, but Dax didn’t need to know that. “Maybe. But maybe not.”
Dax stood. “I should go, Piper.”
I nodded. I couldn’t exactly stop him. I didn’t hold that real estate anymore.
I walked him to my door. “I’m so sorry, Dax.”
He leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to my lips. “Don’t be. It hurts now, but I’ll be okay.”
Tears filled my eyes. He was such a good guy, and he deserved the best. He deserved a woman who could give him her whole heart. And I had no doubt he’d find it someday.
He smiled that panty dropping smile one last time in my doorway. “Whoever ends up with you is one lucky bastard.”
I wished it could be him. I wished I didn’t have to end it. I think a part of me had wanted the winner in the end of my project to be the rock star so badly that I’d blinded myself to everything else around me.
But it really didn’t feel like there were any winners in this situation.
And I felt like the biggest loser of all. Just as I had feared, I’d managed to lose both men in the same day.
28
I thought about the last couple of times I’d been in my apartment sobbing hysterically. One was the night I’d sprained my ankle. Dax had taken care of me, soothed me and made me feel better. I glanced down at my ankle. It was mostly healed now. I still used the brace, but I could get around without it now. The swelling was completely gone, and just a shadow of the bruise still remained. It was stronger and stronger every day.
The other was the night Dax had walked out on me after I’d told him the truth about my master’s thesis. It was the night I’d called Scott and he’d talked to me about Thanksgiving food. He distracted me and made me feel so much better about everything.
But I couldn’t call Scott this time.
It was because of Scott I was crying this time.
It was also Dax. It was the combination of having to end things with someone who I’d really started developing feelings for plus the heartbreak of knowing I couldn’t have Scott.
So I didn’t call anybody. I sat at my apartment in misery, knowing I’d have to face Scott in Stats class the next morning and debating how damning skipping one class might actually be.
Austin texted me a little after nine later that night. You home yet?
I didn’t reply. Maybe he’d think I was on the plane or something.
And then a knock sounded at my door a little before ten. I was all out of tears for the moment, but my face was puffy from crying all day.
I crept silently toward the door, just in case I didn’t want to open it to whoever was out there. And when I peeked through the peephole, I saw Austin standing there, hands in his jeans pockets.
I sighed heavily and opened the door to my friend.
“Dax told me you broke up with him,” he said, pulling me into a hug before giving me a chance to react. “You want to talk about it?”
I pulled back and shook my head. “Come on in,” I muttered, closing the door behind him.
“Are you okay?”
I shrugged, lifting my eyes to the ceiling to try to ward off the tears suddenly threatening again. I was going to dehydrate myself at this rate.
“Not really.”
“Why did you end it with him?”
I was pretty sure nothing could explain it better than the DVD. “I’ll show you.”
I disappeared into my bedroom, found the DVD from the hypnotist in my still-packed suitcase Dax had set by the door, and emerged a minute later. I explained to Austin how my stepdad had taken us to see a hypnotist, and I showed the first few minutes where we watched as I went up on stage. I fast-forwarded through the beginning tasks, and then we got to the pole dancing.
My cheeks lit up with a blush while we watched me work the pole. Austin turned toward me with an enormous grin. “Are you trying to tell me something, P
iper?”
I rolled my eyes. “Shut up and listen.”
We watched as Steve the hypnotist asked me, “Who are you dancing for?”
And we watched as I proclaimed, “The man I love! Scotty!”
I paused the DVD and looked over at Austin, who stared straight ahead at the DVD player, his eyes wide and his jaw slightly agape.
“You were under hypnosis?” he finally asked me.
“Dead asleep. I don’t remember any of this.”
“Do you follow Freud or Jung?” he asked.
“This isn’t psychoanalysis, Austin. It’s me. It’s me and Scott. And watching this video proved to me who was in my heart. I’ve been searching for this big answer all along, and it was right there, right under my consciousness. I wouldn’t allow myself to think it. I think the threat of losing him as a friend opened up all of these pieces of my heart I didn’t even realize he already owned. If I already lost him as a friend, I might as well give a relationship a try. I figured it couldn’t get any worse.”
“Then why aren’t you with him right now?”
“Because apparently it can get worse.”
“What does that even mean? Have you talked to him?”
I shook my head.
“He was a mess the whole time you were gone. The only thing that got him through these past few days was having his sister here.”
“He doesn’t want to be with me,” I said, bluntly ignoring Austin and his words while I wallowed in my misery. “He’s with someone else now. And I dumped Dax and now I’m alone.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I saw him with this other girl. First at this diner when I was on the date with the athlete, and then again at the airport. At first I thought he just found a new friend, but I think he’s moved on from me.”
“Piper, listen to me. He hasn’t moved on from you. There is no other girl.”
“Then who was he with? Why was he hugging some girl at the airport today?”
“Aren’t you listening to me?” He placed his hands on my shoulders and mildly shook me to snap me out of my desolation. “That was his sister!”
“His…” I trailed off, mentally picturing the blonde girl. She was tall like Scott. She was beautiful like Scott. As I tried to recall her face, I supposed I could sort of see a resemblance. And I knew he had a sister…I’d just been too caught up in everything around me to put the pieces together. “His sister?”
